untitled- this piece needs critique! very badly!

this is a idea that sprung from Meh head when i was pondering my story, i know it isn't very good, but that's what your for isn't it, to give me ideas for changing it?!i am going to refer to them as bell, micheal and walker.

Fog holds to many secrets- bell decided, gripping walkers thick ruff tighter. She raked a big hand through her shaggy, jet black hair, almost identical to the thick, double coated wolf at her heels. She frowned at her voice, it sounded hollow in the dense fog that swirled like a sentient being. She cleared her throat nervously and kept walking, her small feet making soft squelching noises as the mud pulled at the soles.
~ummm, bell? i think we should turn back~ walker suggested, his pink tongue lolling. She cast him a scathing look "honestly walker? Thought you were the big bad wolf, nothing to be scared of out-" her feet skittered across the mud-slicked ground. She yelped as they were flung out in front of her and she landed with a wet PLOP.
Walker smiled a VERY lupine smile and said ~nothing to be afraid of . . . but mud~ bell glared, her pale blue eyes shooting daggers. Walker helped her up with a friendly nudge. Muttering something inaudible, she pressed her lips together until they were thin and white "i hate mud!"
Walker stiffened, his hackles rising as she brushed mud from her back and legs. "What is it walker?" she asked softly, feeling his unease radiate through their mental link ~i smell smoke~ bell felt herself tense with his agitation, backing up the way she came.
She bumped into something as hard as the brick wall.
Cold steel bit into bells stiff neck, a hard, unforgiving bite, not unlike the teeth that had sunk into her attackers other wrist. "Come now deary is that any way to treat your rescuer?" He asked, pulling her closer to his chest and tapping her cheek with the point of his wicked blade. "Michael! You idiot! Think about this!" bell snarled, baring her teeth in the identical challenge of the young black wolf cub dangling from Michael’s bloodied wrist. "Is this anyway to treat your princess?!" The blade twitched slightly in Michael’s hand as he said, icily calm "My allegiance is to no one." then he seemed to regret his brash words "But i have a duty. Right now, it’s to get you the hell away from here.” She stiffened, her spine going rigid as she heard walker’s growl. "How about you get your little knife out of my face and i will call off my dog?" She shifted against his wiry arms.
He laughed, a chill, hard sound, more like a bark of disbelief then a laugh of amusement "Dog? That no dog! It’s a wolf! And-" He nudged her forward with his boot "I know of your dirty magic."

Lol,this is the beginning to my novel. I think. if you like this, you should read my other post about her and her wolf cub kind of all grown up, bout two years later. please, this needs as much help as it can get! and i know about the punctuation mistakes and what not, i was just in a hurry to write this! thanks!oh, and i know this might be confusing at first, but in a min. it goes to what she was doing before the man showed up lol, which was sneaking around the castle.

Hi there!
Well, like you said, this could use some critique, but the point of a critique isn't to make your story better. The point of a critique is to make suggestions and comments that allow you to make your piece better. That said, I found it really confusing who was who. There was a girl, a wolf cub and a man, but it was hard to tell what was going on and who was who when I was reading it. Also, this beginning gave me no reason to care about the characters. They didn't seem real. Your main character, this (mc1) or (mc2) person, didn't even really look human in my picture of the scene. The reader doesn't find out why she's in this situation, what she wants or who she is. I suspect she's a robot. Do you see what I mean about not much to go on?
PM me if you edit this, and I'll re-critique.
-Aussie

It's really difficult to critique something where the capitalisation, spelling, grammar and punctuation are all broken and where the characters don't even have names. You're asking people to spend their free time critiquing your work when you won't even take the thirty seconds necessary to proofread. Proofreading is a basic courtesy from writer to reader - a sign that you respect our time and effort and that you want to provide us with an enjoyable reading experience. I suspect you might get more critique if you make this piece a little more readable.

carelessaussie13 wrote:Hi there!
Well, like you said, this could use some critique, but the point of a critique isn't to make your story better. The point of a critique is to make suggestions and comments that allow you to make your piece better. That said, I found it really confusing who was who. There was a girl, a wolf cub and a man, but it was hard to tell what was going on and who was who when I was reading it. Also, this beginning gave me no reason to care about the characters. They didn't seem real. Your main character, this (mc1) or (mc2) person, didn't even really look human in my picture of the scene. The reader doesn't find out why she's in this situation, what she wants or who she is. I suspect she's a robot. Do you see what I mean about not much to go on?
PM me if you edit this, and I'll re-critique.
-Aussie

mc stands for main character

the reason used mc1 and mc2 is because i am very protective of my characters identities lol. i didn't want their names stolen. i put a lot of thought into their names so they fit the persons personality. and the only reason i gave Michael's name away is because that's not a definite name. thanks for the critique!
and people who nag on the punctuation, my sister goes through it all and fixed it, she is basically my grammar editor. i would really love to have some feedback on the PLOT. the actual story.
THANKS
wolf

Welcome to YWS Wolfdaemon!

I'm afraid we don't have a lot to go on. It's hard to figure out the plot from a single paragraph. The designation (mc1) and (mc2) are also very distracting. As an author, I would be more worried about people stealing my story than I would be worried about them stealing my character's names. Even so, you should replace the actual names with fake names. If my main character is called Jenna, I could always disguise her as "Snoinkalicious" or something like that. (mc1) just sounds like a battlemech or something.

What I can tell you is that the paragraph is really confusing to read. We're dropped into the middle of a very tense situation, in which we're unfamiliar with the characters, what they are doing, where they are, and why they are bothering. This may not have been the best place to start us off. I'm afraid that's as good as I can do with the information available, plot wise.

Heya there Wolf.

It is rather difficult to understand what your story is actually about as the reader really has no clue into what is going on. From what I'm getting (mc1) is a princess and her "dog" is the wolf pup that's either in the man's hand or chewing on him. Micheal (who I am also assuming is mc2) is threatening(?) his princess but yet he needs to get her out of there. To where, safety? See, little confusing.

If you want people to critique your story, you defiantly need to clarify everything. It sounds like mumbo jumbo the way it is set together at the moment. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is true.

Also, every time a new character speaks, a new paragraph needs to be started. It reduces that big confusing block you have up there ^^. And if your sister is your "editor" perhaps have her edit it before you post anything for people like to read stories with proper grammar.

However, it does sound rather interesting and it has a lot of potential. You just need to work more on it and give your characters names. And like Griffin said, if you don't want people stealing their names, disguise their names. Your readers aren't going to love a character whose name is mc1

Meadow

It wasn't horrable just hard to understand. It was difficult to understand what your story was about. I really had no clue into what is going on. Other than that it was good.

Nice touch with the fog!I agree with the main character, fog holds too many secrets. =)
There are only a few things i would change, such as adding a little more detail to the scene, describing the mud more, maybe showing what the castle looked like in the mysterious fog.
Other than a couple grammatical errors that I'm sure other people have covered, i loved it!

Hi the names dragons and i will be your critique for the afternoon first i think you should separate all the dialogue so that each new statement is a new paragraph to see an example of this go to fantasy novels and click the elemental's (title curtosy of rocksmith) sorry i don't know how to use a link or make one and as others have said i found it hard to unertsand do to the lack of detail in micheal for instance what about their history how does she know him, although over all i love this story it's awesomely awesome if you ask me but feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions
happy to help
-dragons

Firstly, you need to capital names. Walker and Bell's names were not capitalized at the beginning and it confused me for a minute. Secondly, in serious writing, we do not use smily faces. I saw that smaily you have in the middle of your story and I was like, "What is that?!?!" And when they are talking you have ~ around it...is that supposed to be like they are thinking this to one another? If they are, you need to explain it. If they are talking, then you need to add "". And you also need to capitalize at the begginning of your sentences!!! Oh, I see you did say they have a mental connection. Well, in that case, you should italisize what they are thinking, because that is how thoughts are expressed in writing. And when Michael comes to rescue her, that was very confusing. I have no idea what is going on! And there is a dog hanging off his wrist? Wouldn't he be screaming and in a lot of pain? Something like that hurts a lot, you know!!! And who is she walking with? A pack of wolves? You need a lot more detail in this because I am very confused about this story. Is she a princess? And I think that you should put the part that she was sneaking around the castle BEFORE this part.

I'm sorry, I know that this may seem like a lot and that I'm being very strict and such, but I see potential here and I want this to get as good as it can get! It is confusing, but I think that you just need to slow down with your writing and add more detail. Then it would be very good! Keep up the work though! I know this could turn into a really great peice!

~Dragnet

Wolfdaemon wrote:this is a idea that sprung from Meh head when i was pondering my story, i know it isn't very good, but that's what your for isn't it, to give me ideas for changing it?!i am going to refer to them as bell, micheal and walker.

Terrible, terrible, terrible spelling, grammar and use of punctuation. Please have a handle on the English language before you post on a literary forum. Just like you wouldn't enter a swimming competition unless you've practised and can actually swim, don't post a story here if you can't follow the rules of writing.

Second, "i know it isn't very good, but that's what your for isn't it" is absolutely disgusting We're not here to fix your story for you, we're here because we want to be here. If I wasn't in the mood to critique, I would have immediately closed the tab of this story to find a better one.

At first I thought I'd be able to rewrite/change your story to the way it's supposed to be, but this work is so inundated with mistakes and bad grammar that it'd take me the rest of the night to edit. Instead I'm going to do my best with what you have given me.

What I can see immediately:

1) You have to capitalize all your names.
2) You have to start each new idea with a new paragraph
3) Each new line of speech should also be a new paragraph

On to the review:

Fog holds to too many secrets- bell decided, gripping walkers thick ruff tighter. She raked a big hand through her shaggy, jet black hair, almost identical to the thick, double coated wolf at her heels. She frowned at her voice, it sounded hollow in the dense fog that swirled like a sentient being. She cleared her throat nervously and kept walking, her small feet making soft squelching noises as the mud pulled at the soles.

Double coated wolf? What? And what do you mean, she frowned at her voice? The line "Fog holds to many secrets" was thought, wasn't it? Not spoken? The descriptions are decent.

~ummm, bell? i think we should turn back~ walker suggested, his pink tongue lolling. She cast him a scathing look "honestly walker? Thought you were the big bad wolf, nothing to be scared of out-" her feet skittered across the mud-slicked ground. She yelped as they were flung out in front of her and she landed with a wet PLOP.

Dogs say "ummm"? She yelped as what was flung out in front of her? Don't capitalize onomatopoeia.

Walker smiled a VERY very lupine smile and said ~nothing to be afraid of . . . but mud~ bell glared, her pale blue eyes shooting daggers. Walker helped her up with a friendly nudge. Muttering something inaudible, she pressed her lips together until they were thin and white "i hate mud!"

If you bothered to learn how to use paragraph breaks and punctuation, this story would end up well.

Walker stiffened, his hackles rising as she brushed mud from her back and legs. "What is it walker?" she asked softly, feeling his unease radiate through their mental link ~i smell smoke~ bell felt herself tense with his agitation, backing up the way she came.

This is the best paragraph so far. You've almost got grammar and punctuation down pat. Well done.

She bumped into something as hard as the brick wall. Cold steel bit into bells stiff neck, a hard, unforgiving bite, not unlike the teeth that had sunk into her attacker's other wrist. "Come now deary is that any way to treat your rescuer?" He asked, pulling her closer to his chest and tapping her cheek with the point of his wicked blade.

A blade cannot be wicked. This whole scene wouldn't be as confusing if the reader knew where Walker and Bell were walking.

"Michael! You idiot! Think about this!" bell snarled, baring her teeth in the identical challenge of the young black wolf cub dangling from Michael’s bloodied wrist. "Is this anyway to treat your princess?!"

Please don't use two forms of punctuation one right after another, like "?!" in your story. Choose one or the other. It's also hard here to realize that the "young black wolf cub" is Walker. You should really explain Walker's age at the beginning.

The blade twitched slightly in Michael’s hand as he said, icily calm "My allegiance is to no one." then he seemed to regret his brash words "But i have a duty. Right now, it’s to get you the hell away from here.” She stiffened, her spine going rigid as she heard walker’s growl.

Michael doesn't seem like the sort of guy who regrets things, and here it looks like a weak conjunction.

"How about you get your little knife out of my face and i will call off my dog?" She shifted against his wiry arms.

Doesn't sound very princess-like.

He laughed, a chill, hard sound, more like a bark of disbelief then a laugh of amusement "Dog? That's no dog! It’s a wolf! And-" He nudged her forward with his boot "I know of your dirty magic."

Don't use the style of ":thud:" in a narrative. is for chat speak only. I don't see why he would need to clarify that Walker is a wolf, not a dog, it seems like a petty thing to be talking about.

Characters
We know nothing interesting.
Bell = princess, blue eyes, black hair, knows magic, hates mud. That's it. You could really develop her character into something more.
Walker = young black wolf that sounds like a human teenager. Great...
Michael = wiry man with no alliance with the crown.
You really need to elaborate on your character descriptions and give them more depth.

Plot
Would be better if we knew what was going on. As it is, we've got: Fog --> Dog and girl walking --> Mud --> Dog senses stranger --> Michael = Stranger --> Michael is a man with a mission.

Setting
Again, we've got nothing. Mud, fog, that's it. We have no idea where they are or what they're doing, what time it is, or what era this story is set in. Nothing. This could be set in space for all the reader knows.

Overall
You need to do the three things I listed above and more. Read over your story out loud. Actually go over your story for mistakes.Take the suggestions people are giving you and actually comply - actively make your story better.

If you choose not to continue with this story, make sure you say so, so that no more people waste their time on a story that you aren't thinking of continuing.

The sad thing about this, is that this is one of the better stories I've read in terms of it being interesting, but it's so BAD in terms of grammar etc. Clean it up, and you'll get more positive reviews.

Reply directly to this thread with any comments or a reply.

- Jai

Wow, i know deep inside this has a good plotline but you really need to work on this and make it clearer, it confused me i know the girl was called Bell, and there was a wolf...was the other guy a vampire i don't know, just keep on working and stuff.

I thought this sounded very interesting, but it could use a lot of work. The number one thing that bothered me were all the grammer mistakes. When you get the time go back and correct all of them.

It was kind of hard to figure out what was going on, and I didn't really understand some of the characters.
I really liked how you used very expressive words and I could tell you liked to write and did it often.

I thought it sounded quite interesting. Just add a little more detail to it and I think it could be a great idea for a story. I hope to read the finished product.

I hate to be a nitpicker, but please fix the spelling and grammar. I found it almost impossible to read.

It sounds like you have a good idea, but there's not much in this excerpt to go on.
And I agree with basically everything seeminglymeaningless said. (Yeah, I know, I'm cheating slightly...)

And please stop saying 'lol'. Save it for txting.