She Used to Sing

first post. feedback would be most appreciated. thanks homies


-----------


she used to sing
sometimes happy
and even flowers turned to listen
and they grew big and tall
but her voice no longer bounces
off these nostalgic walls

her songs splintered through the winter
when she remembered she was alone
singing oceans deep
how she stopped the world
how she made us weep

sometimes she would choke
when her heart got stuck in her throat

our vision a tearful blur
watching her
her neck looking overstrained
desperate
trying to release her pain
no one in the room with a dry eye
as she begged through song, cried "why?"

now
now she works for the man
with a gun in her hand
drinks herself to sleep
smokes 2 packs a day
lies that she's okay
songs and emotions buried
deep inside her shoved
her flowers die
watered but unloved

Hi there, RoxanneDeMonica. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I like this poem. It tells a very good story, and a very sad one at that. But, it relates that sadness to us without beaning us over the head with it. That's something I think other people should pick up as well. Subtlety has a lot of worth in writing, or at least I tend to think so.

Thank you for sharing this with us! It's quite good, in my opinion. If you have any questions, just float me a PM.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Welcome to YWS RoxanneDeMonica! I'm Lauren, and I'll review for you today.

I really enjoyed this poem. As Conrad mentioned, you managed to convey an emotion subtly and that is something not so easy to do well.

Thank you for sharing this lovely poem! Keep writing and bring us some more great work.

-Lauren

RoxanneDeMonica wrote:as she begged through song, cried "why?"

this line is a little long. Try

RoxanneDeMonica wrote:as she begged through song, "why?"

that's only one letter less, but it feels a lot cleaner. Also

RoxanneDeMonica wrote:smokes 2 packs a day

2= two.
Besides that, fantastic job and good rhyme scheme.
Keep up the great work,
Empress

she used to sing
sometimes happy

These lines are too simple. 'Happy' is overused. Try different vocabulary.

and even flowers turned to listen
and they grew big and tall

the double 'ands' are repetitive.

nostalgic

Now THAT'S a word that hooks a reader!

her songs splintered through the winter
when she remembered she was alone

'Through' implies that she remembered over time, 'when' implies in a specific moment. You could change 'through' to 'in'.

singing oceans deep

Nice image, doesn't do much though. How is she singing 'oceans deep' about how she stopped the world (is that even a good thing)?

how she made us weep

makes.

sometimes she would choke
when her heart got stuck in her throat

Spastic rhyming rhythms! Try sticking to a beat. : )

The rest of the poem is about the same critiques, the rhymes are too random and oddly placed.

Keep writing

Hi Roxanne! you have a great poem here! It tells a very sad story without being self-absorbed or whiny, and that's always a good thing. The only suggestion I have is that when you sense a shift in emotion in a stanza, either:

1) Try your best to use the original emotion to the end of that stanza. Then go on to whatever change you wanted to make in the next one.

2) Forget about making every stanza with the same amount of lines and just start another one regardless of how many lines you have.

I would suggest number one, but either way I personally think a poem looks and flows more smoothly when different emotions aren't shoved into the same sandbox, so to speak.

Other than that, good job! Thanks for sharing with us, and keep on writing!