The Cold One (Part 1)

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It all happened on the 9th of December 1992, the air was freezing and frost could be seen on every patch of grass. Jack and I were returning from our date in a taxi, the restaurant's name was "La Moura". We often spent our dinner time there due to the excellency in food and the dining was superb, utterly perfect for a romantic meal for two. It began to snow.

I rested my head against the window as I watched the snow glide down from the clouds and begin to make a white blanket around us. It was beautiful. I turned to Jack who smiled at me with the most love and affection any boyfriend could give. He was to be mine till the day I died. We had been dating since middle school and everything was perfect, too perfect and when things are too perfect they may not last long. I often kept that in mind, just incase something was happen, if I or him were to break up with eachother I needed to find something to stand on. I wasnt going to let my self be to heart broken.

Jack had just asked me to marry him, kneeling down he took my hand and asked me. I didnt refuse, I loved him. I loved everything about him, his looks, his smell, his smile. The snow began to fall heavier and heavier apon the window. A Little frightened I looked at Jack who smiled at me for comfort.

"I love you" I whispered as I rested on his shoulder.
"I love you to" He kissed my forehead. Looking at his chest I saw the steady labouring of his lungs, his chest every now and then began to rise a fall. The snow was very heavy as this point and we both sensed fear in the drivers behaviour. But we chose not to take notice. Jack ignoring this began to speak to me again

"So, What do you think your parents are going to say?" He said as he looked into the front mirror at me.
"I think they will approve" I swallowed.
"Hmm, Yeah dont know about your dad, he's a bit of ass to me" He laughed
"Oi thats my dad your talking about!" I laughed to

Resting his chin on my head stared out into the snowy world around us as I stared at the driver with anticipation. The snow was really bad I was wondering if he was going to stop the car or not. Jack noticed my glare. The driver was now driving quite fast.

"Hey Mister, could you drive a little slower your creaping us out a little. Infact.Why dont you just stop the car and we'll just walk from here" Jack said. Jack was from New York and he tried to hied his accent but it always seemed to come out when he was frightened or angry. This made me smile but I was beginning to become scared, it was like a blizzard out there and the car was moving at atleast 90 mph, not a good speed to be driving when the sky is peeing out rain.

"Excuse me, are you even listening to me?" Jack was getting annoyed for the driver wasnt listening, it seemed he was ignoring him.

"Jack it's fine, please dont." I asked
"No, I need words with this guy. Godsake dude slow down."

The driver was shaking. He looked up at the mirror making eye contact with Jack who stared at him angrily. The driver blood shot eyes proved to us that he had been taking something before he picked us up from "La Moura". Jack covered me with his coat and he moved to the front of the taxi, suprisingly the driver still didnt look at him in the face, he was completely oblivious to the dangerous situation which was occuring outside.

"Right I am going to ask you the last time, slow the damn down or I am calling the police." The driver shook his head. Jack looked back at me with fear, he squinted his eyes at me as I stared at him with fright. This is when my eyes caught something moving across the snow filled road in front of us, it was another car reversing.

"Jack!" I screached

Jack turned and everything went black. All I remember his the car spinning upside down. That was my last memory.




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Gender Female
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This is okay, but there a lots of things you need to work on.
Inkdropsonpaper wrote:It all happened on the 9th of December 1992. The air was freezing and frost could be seen on every patch of grass. Jack and I were returning from our date in a taxi. The restaurant we had been too was called "La Moura". We often spent our dinner time there due to the excellency in food and the superb dining - utterly perfect for a romantic meal for two.

It began to snow and I rested my head against the window as I watched the snowflakes glide down from the clouds and begin to make a white blanket around us. It was beautiful. I turned to Jack who smiled at me with the most love and affection any boyfriend could give. He was to be mine till the day I died.
We had been dating since middle school and everything was perfect, too perfect and when things are too perfect they may not last long. I often kept that in mind, just incase something was happen, if I or him were to break up with eachother I needed to find something to stand on. I wasnt going to let my self be to heart broken.

Jack had just asked me to marry him, kneeling down he took my hand and asked me. I didnt refuse. I loved him. I loved everything about him, his looks, his smell, his smile. The snow began to fall heavier and heavier apon the window. A little frightened I looked at Jack who smiled at me for comfort.

"I love you." I whispered as I rested on his shoulder.
"I love you too." He kissed my forehead. Looking at his chest I saw the steady labouring of his lungs, his chest every now and then began to rise a fall. The snow was very heavy as this point and we both sensed fear in the drivers behaviour. But we chose not to take notice. Jack ignoring this began to speak to me again

"So, what do you think your parents are going to say?" He said as he looked into the front mirror at me.
"I think they will approve," I swallowed.
"Hmm, yeah dont know about your dad, he's a bit of ass to me!" He laughed
"Oi, that's my dad your talking about!" I laughed too.

Resting his chin on my head stared out into the snowy world around us as I stared at the driver with anticipation. The snow was really bad and I was wondering if he was going to stop the car or not. Jack noticed my glare. The driver was now driving quite fast.

"Hey Mister, could you drive a little slower, your creeping us out a little. In fact.Why don't you just stop the car and we'll just walk from here" Jack said. Jack was from New York and he tried to hide his accent, but it always seemed to come out when he was frightened or angry. This made me smile but I was beginning to become scared. It was like a blizzard out there and the car was moving at at least 90 mph, not a good speed to be driving when the sky is peeing out rain. (Rain? I thought it was snowing.)

"Excuse me, are you even listening to me?" Jack was getting annoyed. The driver wasn't listening. It was like he was ignoring Jack.

"Jack it's fine, please don't." I asked
"No, I need words with this guy. Godsake dude slow down."

The driver was shaking. He looked up at the mirror making eye contact with Jack who stared at him angrily. The driver blood shot eyes proved to us that he had been taking something before he picked us up from "La Moura". Jack covered me with his coat and he moved to the front of the taxi. Surprisingly the driver still didn't look at him in the face. He was completely oblivious to the dangerous situation which was occurring outside.

"Right I am going to ask you the last time, slow the damn down or I am calling the police." The driver shook his head. Jack looked back at me with fear. He squinted his eyes at me as I stared at him with fright. This is when my eyes caught something moving across the snow filled road in front of us. It was another car reversing.

"Jack!" I screeched

Jack turned and everything went black. All I remember his the car spinning upside down. That was my last memory.


You need to work on separating your sentences more rather than using lots of commas. Otherwise it doesn't make sense. Also, you need to put more full stops and commas when your people are speaking. You keep putting things like;
"I love you" I said.
Remember to put a full stop or comma!
There was also quite a few spelling mistakes, like where you missed out the apostrophes, and in words like "screeched" and "occurring". There is a spell checker when you post, so you could have used that.

Other than that, quite good. Has potential.
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