A dark hero chapter one

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I thought I’d get the first part up in the small time I could. My Internet is still not working, so I wouldn’t expect anything for a bit. I think things pick up more in the next part to be honest.

All the best


An ear splitting cracking sound filled the room. I groaned, and slowly opened my eyes. Everything was blurred. I could make out blotches of green, blue, red and maybe silver.

“Young dragon are you all right?” the blue blotch asked me; its voice was firm, but it did have some give in it.

“Am I dead?” I asked still disorientated. I blinked several times to clear my vision. I was in a large cave or something similar. Hundreds of huge, grey, stalactites stretched down from the ceiling. Strangely I couldn’t see any stalagmites. The grey, uncomfortable floor was cold, but bearable. Three dragons, and a dragoness stood in front of me. The green one laughed and replied.

“Far from it young one. Are you all right? Can you walk?” He was stout, his wings had gaping holes in them, and he was missing half his left horn. His underside was bone white. His face looked blank of emotion, His eyes were a muddy brown. I wriggled about on the floor for a moment to get all my paws flat on the ground, and then began to push. Surprisingly everything was normal and I stood up with ease.

“Where am I?” I asked.

“You are in the cave system of Takat. Come this place is not safe to linger,” The silver dragoness replied. She was very slender, but not enough for it to be unhealthy. Her wings showed no signs of damage, nether did her body. Her face was beautiful, her eyes were ice blue, and her gaze was soft. Her underside was also silver. All of them turned away and began to leave. As soon as I moved a paw to follow them I fell flat again.

“I can carry you should you require it,” She said.

“Give me a moment,” I replied, standing up again. I got it after a few more tries I was walking along side them in no time. Suddenly I realised that I couldn’t remember anything. “I have some questions. Why can’t I remember anything? Who are you? And what is going on?” I asked.

“We don’t know why. We are the Dragon Council, and we are trying to get you out of harms way,” the blue dragon replied, I got the feeling he wasn’t the talkative type. He was muscular, scars covered his body and small holes riddled his wings. His face was stern. His underside was blue. A long red scar ran over his right eye; his eyes were a piercing yellow.

“Come now Darik he deserves to know,” the dragoness said.

“There will be a time and a place for that but it is not here,” he replied fiercely.

“It is his life we are intervening with he needs to know what is happening,” she argued.

“Shut up Sapis he is right next to us!” he shouted, violently.

“Enough the both of you!” the red ordered, his voice was deep, and full of authority. He was by far the most muscular of the group; he had some light scars on his body and wings but nothing too major. His face was totally serious, and his fiery orange eyes no less serious than his face. he had a ight orange underside too. “Pay no heed to they’re bickering young one. We will explain when we get to safer shores…so to speak,”

Soon enough we were outside on a mall ledge.

The sky was black, chocked with ash. A small, blackened plane was the only thing standing between the only source of light and us, a fiercely erupting volcano. The light from the lava was reflected off the black canvas of ash. I heard a roar.

I looked up. A black dragon was circling us. It came in for a swift landing on the ledge. He had the odd scar here and there, and no damage on his wings. His face was shady, and his eyes hid something, but what I can’t put my paw on.

“It’s going critical we need to escape now!” It shouted, its voice barely audible over the sounds of the eruption. An immense bang almost deafened me. I looked at the volcano. It had blown half of its right side out. Lava and rock was thrown into the as if they were paper, before coming crashing down.

“Its now or never!” the black shouted, it sounded more like the quietest of whispers to my ears.

“Everyone take off and head for Selo city! We can’t risk extracting the others!” Ignas ordered. The ground shook intensely almost throwing me off the ledge.

“Sir!” Disak began “I will find them!”

“No you’ll be killed! They will know they need to get out!” Ignas shouted.

“Sometimes orders are to be broken sir! I will see you at Selo! Make that all three of us will!” Disak shouted before talking off again and heading directly towards the volcano.

“Suicidal fool,” Ignas muttered “Everyone go now!” Everyone spread their wings and was away.

“What about me!” I shouted. Something grabbed me in its claws. I screamed not knowing what had grabbed me.

“You didn’t really thing we’d leave you!” Sapis shouted, before trying to catch up with the others. She was holding me in her hind paws. I just sighed, and looked back at the volcano. It was a terrifyingly beautiful sight, the raw unrestrained power of nature.

“Who are the others?” I asked

“Doolo, and Kalma, they were studying part of the volcano, while we went for you! Disak was keeping an eye on the volcano, so it didn’t go critical with them inside,” she explained.

“What dose go critical mean?” I asked. I was about to be answered.

The volcano suddenly detonated totally. All that was left was an orange hemisphere that was spreading out from where the volcano had been. Red-hot lava was thrown in all directions along with ash, rock and dust. Sapis quickly barrel rolled left missing a boulder, nose-dived to avoid some flying lava, barrel rolled right to avoid more boulders and then finally gained some altitude

”That!” she shouted, trying to increase her speed. A black spec caught my eye.

Disak.

I strained my eyes to see him. He was carrying a yellow and a white dragon, one in each hind paw. The dragons looked to be unconscious, or worse. They defiantly weren’t adult; I think they were at the end of adolescence. They were weighing him down too much.

“He’s not going to make it,” I muttered.

“What?” she asked, looking over her shoulder.

“Disak!” She screamed.

Too late.

The orange hemisphere swallowed him and the others up. But it didn’t stop there. It picked up speed, and was coming uncomfortably close. I could feel the scolding heat, and the force of the explosion still emitting from it. I was estimating the distance in my head.

Twenty meters.

Fifteen; by now the heat was unbearable and the force was pressing hard against me.

Ten.

Five; the force was crushing me and the heat was actually burning me.

“Hold on!” she screamed. She pulled me close, and held me in all four paws.

I blacked out.




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Hi there

I haven't reviewed for a while and I'm very pressed for time so forgive me if this isn't comprehensive.

Let's start with your characterization because that's what struck me as needing the most work. Your main character's persona is quite flat. I'm not feeling any sort of connection to him whatsoever. You need to start by building a relationship between the reader and the character.

Do this by describing emotions rather than events, and keep your description directed to what's essential to the story. This you need to paint far more vividly. This means that you should use descriptive words and attempt to describe what the reader would want to read about.

I've run out of time, but that was the most important stuff :)

Have a great one. :)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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