Written

mademoiselle, her villanelle
scratched into the poster reading
of the lines he donned her yesterday.

the man whose shoes she shines,
and a curtsy to him indeed,
writing that noun a verb for
the battered boots’ mistress spluttering:

undress
undress?

the diver’s mission to reach and plunder
threads, robes,
fresh hems hacked and rained asunder
and the noun no verb
just an adjective sliding down her cheek—
pearls for the lady? no, let her

rattle, rattle on my golden chains.

Hey Blink!

I had trouble understanding this poem, which isn't necessarily unique when it comes to poetry. Still, maybe you'll find something useful in this reaction. I was mostly confused. I was expecting a fair amount of French lingo, or at least French character to the poem, but none really seemed to appear after that first line.

I'm not sure what happened in the second verse, (or is it stanza? I'm so bad with poetry) there is shoes, curtsying, writing, and battered boots that say "Undress, Undress?"

Then suddenly there is a diver whose mission seems very close to that of a tailor and at about that point I started to get too disoriented to continue reading.

I don't have suggestions, but hopefully this reaction will you give you some idea of where I get lost.

Oh em gee what's /this/?

I really hope no one has reviewed this while I've been writing this, I want to have it first. xD Not that I have much to point out, because I sort of liked this a lot, but anyway, yeah. (Edit: Heh, Grif got there first.)

the man whose shoes she shines,
and a curtsy to him indeed,
writing that noun a verb for
the battered boots’ mistress spluttering:

This stanza is a word jumble. The first line is a tough one to pronounce, as you may have noticed – it reminded me of the tongue twister: "She sells sea shells on the sea shore." It doesn't necessarily even look that good. On the second line, the word "indeed" feels like just an extra stuffing, something that you don't really need but have to keep because of the rhythm. It shouldn't feel like that, because it's just annoying. I hope you'll find a decent way to get around it. On the third line, I don't really get the "noun a verb for", but I might just be ignorant, and besides, I like it. Even though I don't get it. Heh. Also, I'm not a big fan of the alliteration on the last line, but eh. It's not the worst thing I've seen.


The rhyme in the last full stanza is quite random. I keep saying how much I dislike rhymes in not rhyming poetry, if you know what I mean. To me it's all or nothing, in that field. But still I couldn't not like it in here. I'm a bit torn about it. I don't know if that's necessarily such a good thing.

I like how the noun verb thingie is repeated. I like the idea, but this line:

just an adjective sliding down her cheek

makes it sound so harsh. Ish. I like the idea again – if only the word adjective wasn't so long and awkward. I'd really like this to be smooth, especially to go with the whole sliding thing, but the adjective ruins it. I'm sure you know it too. Stupid adjective. Because at least at the moment, I can't think of anything that would sound better and still have the same thought to it. :/

pearls for the lady? no, let her

rattle, rattle on my golden chains.

I love this. I love this. Seriously. Boobo approves.

All in all – even if it didn't sound like it much – I liked this a lot. Such a good job. Told you so! Yay!


Demigod.

Hi there, Blink. I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, this was an all right poem by my standards. Your word choices and description were all very good. This was a very beautiful read as far as that goes.

The only problem I have with it is that I cannot understand what is going on in it. This is a common problem I have with poetry, but since Grif pointed it out too I'm going to mention it anyway. I can't seem to grasp just what this poem is about. You may consider trying to clear that up.

Other than that though, your word usage is beautiful, and makes this a pretty good poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. If you have any questions or comments for me, PM me.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Beautiful. So long since I've read a poem that plays with the syntax of words so much! You earn the first gold star of the day but first a few comments and suggestions:

mademoiselle, her villanelle
scratched into the poster reading
of the lines he donned her yesterday.

Have you fallen out with capitals dear? I can't think of anything you might gain by having no capitals at all. If you had capitalised just one or two words then I might be willing to let it pass but if you're not doing it for a purpose, don't write with bad grammar. Also I'm a little confused by some of your meaning. I'll tell yuo how I interpreted it and if that's right you've done well, if not maybe try to be a little clearer. So a woman reading in a poster a villanelle that she wrote, possibly about or influenced by a man from her past. I'm presuming you're using don as in to wear, to put on. So he put the lines on her yesterday? He influenced her lines in the past? Remember pretty words will only frustrate if the reader can't find meaning behind them.

the man whose shoes she shines,
and a curtsy to him indeed, [I actually like the indeed. It's strong and it adds tone of voice but would perhaps do so even more with a comma in front as well as after? That's how I'm reading it, as a little pause and then the word and then a little pause so that it links with both lines and makes the next two more manageable.
writing that noun a verb for
the battered boots’ mistress spluttering:

undress
undress? <<If you're going to make use of that whole no capitals thing here would be the place to do it. I'd suggest a capital for the second undress. That would add a tone almost of indignation which feels as if it should fit?

the diver’s mission to reach and plunder
threads, robes,
fresh hems hacked and rained asunder
and the noun no verb
just an adjective sliding down her cheek—
pearls for the lady? no, let her

I like the metaphor of the diver and the rhyme is very nicely done, perfectly timed. I like this entire stanza actually though I'd suggest fresh hems should be on the line above and the next should start with hacked. So much more powerful, particularly if the line is end-stopped.

rattle, rattle on my golden chains.

I'm so so about the ending. Golden chains? You can do better than that. Why not looms? Or something else to fit in with the clothing theme? Weaving on a loom is much like putting poetry together and there's that rhythm. Clack, clack, clack.

Thank you for the read,

Heather xx

Wow, thanks guys! I really appreciate the advice. I need to make the meaning clearer, definitely, and I'll just have a play around with the word order, heh. As always, if you'd like the favour returned and for reason don't anyway, just let me know. =D

Thank you again!

Hey, Blink! Great work on this one. I liked the story you told here, especially since it's something I would never think of myself. It's very dramatic, and paints a picture of days long past, when certain things were commonplace, yet no less cruel or traumatizing. One part stands out in particular for me:

no, let her

rattle, rattle on my golden chains.

I loved this! It's a great way of saying how the woman may be privileged, probably more so than most, but at the end of the day, she's still a prisoner to the man's will. At least that's how I interpreted it. Great job, anyway, and keep it up!