Angels and Vampires-Part 7

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“I thought I told you to shut up? Must not have, being nice to you for once.” I hit her playfully on the arm, and she just smiled quickly and turned around to tell her story. Again. “Now, as I said, when I looked the age of twelve I was my mother’s little girl. She went out to work every day so she could spoil me with gifts that I had asked for yet I didn’t really need. Of course, she didn’t know I was a vampire at that time because the curse was on my father’s side of the family. Lucky for him he was only a carrier of the curse. Only myself and my brother, Patience, who was born immediately before me had it. But there were a lot times where she nearly found out. One day all of my elder brothers had gone out with girlfriends or ‘mates’, all expect for Patience. He was 2 years older than me, and had a lot more experience in the Vampire trade. Today was the day he had decided to teach me some of the more complex tricks of the trade while our mother was out at work. None of our siblings would be home until nightfall at least. He took his arm to his teeth, pointed and perilously sharp from constant use.
‘There’s going to be a lot of blood, Tay, close your eyes if it’s scary?’ He had asked me just like your older brother would, using the pet name that only he used. It reminded me of the things that he always used to say to me at night, telling me story of Final Night and other beautiful things that I had never visited at that time. Of course, I have now.”
“Tell me, tell me!” I said excitedly, wanting to find out about the thing that Tempest found so beautiful. How amazing it must be to see things through vampire eyes! She tapped her knees twice quickly and I jumped onto them, laying my head against her shoulder. She laid her chin against the top of my head so she was comfortable too. “Am I heavy?” She shook her head, and laughed.
“Heavy? No way. I will tell you that later, if you stay up long enough, that is.” She smiled at me again, I could feel it. I took my head up from her shoulder, and looked straight into her eyes. She looked back, but looked thoroughly puzzled. “Okay. I closed my eyes and held my hands over them, scrunching my face up because I knew what he was going to do. He took his arm to his teeth, pointed and perilously sharp from constant use. Holding it there, a loud ripping noise came from his wrist, and he growled to cover a wince. Blood started to drip onto the carpet, but I can remember that he laid towels out of the carpet now.
‘It’s okay to open your eyes now, Tay.’ He took his left arm and took my hands off my eyes so I could see him. Blood was all over the towels, and I gasped.
‘Cover it at least! Blood is going everywhere!’ I was scared, but I didn’t want to say that because I knew that would make him scared too. He put his left hand on his arm, but blood still kept on coming. He held it up in the air to stop it coming so fast.
‘Right. Today, we are going to practice taking blood. You aren’t very good at that, Tay, and you know it.’ He said increasingly quietly, especially on the last part.
‘On you? But won’t you be thirsty afterwards, Patience?’ I said worriedly. I wasn’t going to do it to my brother.
‘I just hunted; my blood will taste very rich to you. Now, just drink and I’ll tell you what to do and when to stop.’ I pressed my mouth to the wound, then there was the noise of a key turning at the door.
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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"Hi, I will review your post soon. I promise :D!"




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vampires and warewolves are way out dated :thud: time to bring in the angels :mrgreen:
lol :lol:




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Yeah exactly! :D They need to have their say for once.
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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Hi I'm angel23 and I'm going to review your work :smt001
This review is quite long but it should help you out some!

Well firstly I'm gonna start off by saying that the main theme of the story is very catchy!
The whole vampire idea is in fashion now a days!

I thought I told you to shut up? Must not have, being nice to you for once.” I hit her playfully on the arm, and she just smiled quickly and turned around to tell her story. Again. “Now, as I said...

OK this part:[*] Must not have, being nice to you for once.[*]
I get what you mean but its very confusing take the "being nice..." part out.
Replace it with "been nice to you..."

So I assume that the girl is the one telling her story here.
Only myself and my brother, Patience, who was born immediately before me had it. But there were a lot times where she nearly found out.

Okay this confused me at first. I thought you were referring to Patience, but I realized it was to the mother. Tip: don't just refer to the mother as "she" when you haven't talked about her in a while. People are gonna be like: "She? Who's that?" Also myself and my brother? Seems incorrect [*]my brother and me[*] would be better! And you have a typo where it said
were a lot times
fix that by putting a lot of...

Moving on

There’s going to be a lot of blood, Tay, close your eyes if it’s scary?’ He had asked me just like your older brother would, using the pet name that only he used.

He's not really asking her anything here he's just telling her! To make him ask her put an okay at the end so it seems like this [*]Tay, close your eyes if it’s scary OK?[*]

I had never visited at that time. Of course, I have now.”

Put quotation marks at the beginning of " Of course...

but I can remember that he laid towels out of the carpet now.

This quote is confusing you might want to rephrase this :smt001

Okay well hopefully I covered most of the mistakes. One last thing I noticed: you seem to change from the story back to the people telling the story a lot.Do you understand what I mean? Try using some transition words or at least give the reader a clue that your changing scenes!

Over all its a really nice story with a very suspicious ending and remember: "a writer isn't born, a writer is made :elephant: practice!"



There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec