Cry If You Must [Chapter Three]

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Author's Note: So, this is like really short. My only point with this one was introducing a bit of the future drama by bringing a new character in. I know she seems really flat right now, but I'm working on Patricia ^.^ Help will be very much appreciated!

Chapter Three

“Lei!” Aurora called. I was used to hearing her call me like that. I turned to her direction, after waving Eric off. What was he up to, anyway? Wanting to talk to me. My guts heated, and I crossed my arms across my torso.
I smiled at my best friend, who had stopped in front of me, panting. “Isn’t he great?”
She linked our arms, and started walking. I looked sadly at the end of the hall to my left, as we crossed the turn that would lead to the girls’ bathroom. “Who?” I asked, turning back to Aurora.
“Ian!” She exclaimed at me.
“Oh, right. You know, I think you should go and talk to-“ I got cut off as Ju reached us, and linked arms with Aurora, leading her a few steps away from me.
“You know, Steph just wanted to show something to you!” She was smiling widely, as she nodded at Steph, that had just reached us too.
“Yeah! I have it in my locker!” She continued down the hall with Aurora, practically dragging her, as Ju turned to me with begging eyes.
“You don’t want me to tell her,” I stated.
“Yeah. You know, it was a Summer fling, she has no business with it, and she seems to like him. That’s rare, and you know it.”
I sighed. I wasn’t going to tell her if Ju didn’t want to. Or Ian. I gave her a nod, and she hugged me, relieved. She was incredibly attached to Aurora, and I even had a jealous fret about it a year back or so. It just blew away, though. I don’t usually hold onto grudges as I wished I did; to my bad, I’m too forgiving and it has turned on me. People eventually look at me as someone too easy, someone too simple to conquer and I believe sometimes I am.
Aurora returned to me in a minute or something, and waved Ju away.
“What did Steph have to show you?”
“Oh, just some pictures on her phone. And some crazy videos she and Ju made. They were hilarious.”
“So, you were telling me about Ian’s awesomeness and hotness and whatever more,” I told at her.
She smiled widely and held tightly onto my arm. “He’s just awesome. Really. He’s freaking everything! He’s sweet, and polite, and smart, and h-o-t,” she spelled out the letters of the last word.
“Yeah, yeah.” Aurora continued telling me about everything. They hadn’t talked much, but he had looked at her quite a few times and smiled. Of course, she told me about a time when Ian smiled at Ju, and the other girl looked away quickly, as if scared or something, and how she had absolutely no clue what that was all about. I didn’t said a word about it.
We reached the cafeteria far too quickly. If I was seen, I might get trapped with conversations and then I couldn’t run for it and hide in bathroom. And then it would be too late, for the bell would ring and I wouldn’t have managed to stop the cut from bleeding and-
“Lei! Hey!” I just felt a quick hug and hadn’t actually taken a good look at the person since I kept my head low, when thinking. I could feel the strong scent of tobacco around the person and so I knew who she was.
“Hi, Patricia. How you doing?”
“Good. I’m glad to see you,” she smiled at me.
“I’m glad too.” I didn’t know her for that long, but she was very easy going person and would just tell me things in her life. Without me asking anything. But I liked her.
“Be right back!” Aurora said, and moved to a table where Martha and Cat were waving at her.
“You know, I made a new best friend!” She said to me excitedly, and smiled widely. “He was always around, because we live close, and then we just started talking and I really like him. He’s awesome.” She started walking towards the east side of the cafeteria, slowly. “I just wanted to tell you who he was. I’m kind of really thinking only about him, so he might come up a lot. I wanted you to know what I was talking about.”
She was a nice girl. Normally not too talkative, but she was comic, and extremely easy going. She stopped and smiled widely. “Him,” she pointed forwards and I followed her direction. My heart skipped a beat once I saw who it was.
“Eric’s your best friend?” I asked her, pulling my glare away from her.
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Hey Kat!
What's up?

So I don't have much to say now. But I think this piece is lacking a bit of characterization. The piece is short, yeah, but it would be interesting to keep on knowing Leighton, so we don't really get lost in the the story.
As for Patricia, I understand the point, and well you did warn us, but I still think that it would be great if you let us know a little about her looks at least, so we can get an idea of who she is exactly.
And for the part that talked about how she is I felt it was too telly because you threw it at us at once. Don't tell us, show us how she is, how she speaks, how she reacts to things, maybe add a little of expression from her how she moves and acts.
Also, try to watch your pace, try to keep your pace at a rhythm that we can actually follow and not get too lost or confused.
And I'm really waiting to getting to know Eric more. And talking about Eric.

I turned to her direction, after waving Eric off. What was he up to, anyway? Wanting to talk to me. My guts heated, and I crossed my arms across my torso

I feel as if you left this short when this could be expanded and made into a really interesting part of the story. I'd like to know more about how she felt, how confused and intrigued she felt.

And that's all, hoped I helped.

XOXO
Pudin
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Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

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Catarina! Stella here.

I.NITPICKS

I turned to her direction,


in her direction.

“Ian!” She exclaimed at me.


small "s".

“Yeah. You know, it was a Summer fling,


why the capital s?

and I even had a jealous fret about it a year back or so.


Tell us more about it!

to my bad, I’m too forgiving and it has turned on me.


to my bad doesn't sound right. But I can't think of the actual phrase. It's on the tip of my tongue... I'll get back to you on that.

I could feel the strong scent of tobacco around the person and so I knew who she was.


You don't feel a scent, you smell it.

and extremely easy going.


You've already said this.

Okay...

II. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

So you do tackle it a bit here, but I'm aware that it's the third chapter and I still don't have much of an idea who Leighton is. We get some hints here, but it's really not much to go by. I'm not saying it's this particular part that is lacking in it, but in general i feel like I should have more of a feel for who she is than I do at the moment. The same goes for Eric. I know how awesome Eric is because I've discussed him with you, but here he seems as flat and dull as a plank of wood. Maybe because he hasn't had much screen time- but then maybe you should be thinking about giving him more.

As for Patricia, her introduction is fine, and I'm actually getting more of a grasp on her and Aurora than I am on the other two. What worries me is that I can't remember any mention of Patricia in the past, and now suddenly she's Leighton's huggy friend. Does that need to be remedied? I think so. She acts like her and Lei are going to be talking a lot, but they haven't seemed to be yet. We need to have some warning that she's coming.

Also, before I forget, a note on Leighton's characterisation, what's her reaction to Patricia's smell? I know when my friends smell of smoke I tell them straight away "You stink" before we talk about anything else- partly because I disapprove and partly because they wouldn't want to get caught by a teacher with a keen nose. So what does Leighton do? What are her thoughts on it?

I want to see more inside her head, I want to know the person I'm dealing with, I want to know where I can relate to her and where I can't. And I'm just not able to do that right now.

III. OVERALL

You're getting your side plots developed here, and well too. My only advice would be not to abandon your main plot too much, I found myself wondering at the beginning, "Why am I reading this again? It's just teenage girls being teenage girls." Always keep your eye on the prize.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



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