Entry #2 for Hannah's Contest

The painting behind this was "The Mermaid" by John William Waterhouse

She combed her hair with a wistful glance as the waves came in around where she lay. She looked up past the sea cliffs towards the homes that she knew were just a mile or so inland, a small village of simple people. It was there that she desperately wanted to be.

She had been there once. She had been the pride of the summer not a year ago, with her long red hair and wonderful smile. All the boys for miles around had come courting her. Every evening it seemed two or three would be standing in the lawn, awaiting her appearance. The attention was such a delight to her. She had even kissed some of the handsomer ones, and found much pleasure in being who she was.

She was so young then. She still was, but somehow she felt so much older. Perhaps it was because now things that were much older had left their marks upon her.

It had been a day like any other. Her steps had taken her along the pebbly beach without a care in the world. Above, the pale sun had poked a few rays through the mist, and it had brought a smile to her face. For the sun rarely shone in this part of the world, it seemed, what with all the rain and sea fog. When it did decide to reveal itself, it seemed as though things were suddenly a great deal better than they actually were. At least, this was how it seemed to her.

In her innocence she had gone down to the water’s edge, wading through the waves looking for some fancy shell. She had not thought anything of it. Her father had never spoken ill of the sea to her. He talked often of the tricks that the little people would play, but of the sea he had said not one bad thing.

When that fateful wave had come in, a bit bigger than the others, and she found herself entangled in a mass of fish fins and hands, she had been very frightened. Like one possessed she had struggled against them, but it had been no use. They smiled as they dragged her out into deeper water. They laughed with delight as they stripped her naked. And they looked on with love as they made her one of them.

She looked down at the blue fish’s tail she now had in place of her legs and cursed what had happened to her. Whereas before she had been able to enjoy the warmth of her own body on occasion, now she was just as cold as any other sea creature. Slime covered her, and she had to gulp water in order to breath.

Those who had brought her down to their level had smiled at her. They had said she would grow to love this, and in time would wonder why she had ever wanted to go back to the land.

She resisted this. Even when the ships went by the rocks, and she felt the urge to drag herself out and sing to them, she still fought against it. This was not who she was, she told herself even now. She would get back to the life she once had. It did not matter what her sisters said.

She paused. They had never been “her sisters” in her mind before. Yet, she had called them that all the same. It frightened her. Calling them as such had felt too normal. With an uneasy look on her face she dragged herself back into the water. Looking up onto the land brought back too much. Maybe if she spent more time in the sea, maybe that would help.

Just maybe.

Hello Conrad Rice,

So this was a nice little piece of writing. Thanks for posting it. Yes, I enjoyed it, but I think you might have gone a bit deeper. In my opinion, you only scratched the very surface of this mermaid-mutant's tale. I would personally like to hear the other mermaids' perspectives. Why did they convert her, an innocent and perfectly happy human girl? Did they have something against her (perhaps because of her many lovers?) Your characters should be deeper and more intricate. What would you do if you were transformed into a fish? You also might embellish your descriptions a bit. They weren't bad, but the way you wrote made me think that you just looked at the picture and made up a story to pass the time. Your writing wasn't breathingin this piece. I assume you wrote this for some sort of contest, so I don't know what kind of restrictions were placed on submissions. But it was interesting, I think it could really grow into something great. Give it some more life, though.

Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,
S.S. Rose

Hi Conrad! I realize this is somewhat old but it is lacking reviews. And I'm in need of a break. (Let me apologize in advance for the complex sentences and possible murkiness in here. Homework does odd things to my writing)

My main problem with this is the flashback (Before she looks down at her tail) is so thin. The emotional connection to the MC is lacking, and some lines are begging to be expanded upon.

For the emotional connection, you could switch up your language. Right now, you're just describing the way things were, no variance in word-choice than if it were a description of an average part of life. Yes, that part of her life was average, but it's not anymore. Now, it's a time she cherishes and wants to go back to. Tint your word-choice with longing as she talks about the village. For a continuation of what you have going in the rest of the story, make us incredibly curious as to why she can't go back. Since you're hiding her tail from us for now, try to emphasize the inland quality. Or how men are now cut off to her. You hint at this, but the hook wasn't that strong. Had I not been mildly curious, and if I didn't know your writing, I probably wouldn't have continued past paragraph two. The opening sounded like just another pretty girl thinking about who's waiting for her back home. Add in some twist in word-choice, like mentioning she can't go back (directly or indirectly), to give the opening more interest to readers.

As for lines, it's really just this paragraph:

When that fateful wave had come in, a bit bigger than the others, and she found herself entangled in a mass of fish fins and hands, she had been very frightened. Like one possessed she had struggled against them, but it had been no use. They smiled as they dragged her out into deeper water. They laughed with delight as they stripped her naked. And they looked on with love as they made her one of them.

This is your major characterization point in the story; the shift from her innocent self to her older self. But other than mentioning she was frightened when being dragged under and her cursing what happened, there is no emotion in here and in latter paragraphs. I'm not saying to show her emotion, because that would counter the style of the story, but I am saying to add more emotion in. It doesn't have to be in this paragraph— I'm actually fond of the point-blank description of what happened. But using words that make her sound more resentful, maybe adding in some body movement to show she's upset (tears, pounding the ground beside her/pounding her tail) would really help the emotion here.

And the reason I said some lines are begging for expansion is how many questions this paragraph left me with. How long did she stay underwater? Was she able to breathe through some form of magic? How did they make her one of them? How did their hands feel on her (once-human) skin? Was there nothing but darkness and empty water around, or was it some special grove of kelp or coral that seemed to hold magic? How were they able to preform their magic if she was thrashing?

Most, if not all, of those questions can be answered in a rather simple way. You could keep this point-blank description and have her remember the scene with more detail in a paragraph after. You could slip a lot of those details, almost unnoticed, right after "...and cursed what had happened to her." Because she just mentioned what happened, and we don't have much detail, having her think about it (like a horrific or chilling flashback) would be a good way to get some emotion into the event.

I also agree with S.S. Rose in that the mermaid's point of view could be expanded upon. Surly your MC asked why she was picked? If they had been looking at her with love, then there must have been something that attracted them to her. And, if they were looking to ease away her hatred, I'd think they'd tell her what it was.

I also agree that the descriptions could be a little more. You had some right around when she got taken into the water, but that is it. You're rather limited with the current style (which, as I mentioned, I'm fond of) but I think you could add in a little description to give some emotion to the scene. Especially the flashback scene, and when she's cursing her tail. This article goes into a little more detail on the topic.

The last four paragraphs, including the two-line one at the end, I liked. A lot. That's where this telling, omniscient style (and everything that's happened in the story before) add up to give me chills. You know she's going to lose her humanity at one point, no mater how much she fights. That's where the subtle, horror-like qualities add up to make you walk away thinking. You could say what I'm asking you to edit in your beginning is make it more subtly horrific like the end. But not too much; then the horror at the end would lose its punch.

As always, drop me a line if you have any questions! I must say this is one of your better stories I've read recently, despite the shortfall at the beginning. Past the first couple of paragraphs, there's this eery feeling that makes this story grip a reader in a way past an action hook. You just have to find out what's happened.

Nice work!

~Rosey