The Lily caught in the Storm.

Okay, here goes. My first ever post, this is a romantic science fiction novel I've been working on for a few months now. It's not finished, but there are parts I'm proud of. This is the first opening paragraph I wrote, I currently have two. I shall showcase them both and see what you think. Reviews and comments would be much appreciated


And then he kissed me. His grip on my waist was so strong that I couldn’t let go, even if I wanted to. And I didn't. I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, his skin was exceptionally warm; like he was running a fever. But it was always smooth. I breathed in the familiar musky smell I loved. He always smelled like the forest, like freshly cut grass on a Summers day, the fallen pines from a Christmas tree, and wet, damp earth after a rainstorm. I wanted this moment to last forever, right here and right now. This could have been the last opportunity I had to get my boy. To save him and to keep him for always. I traced the initial ‘L’ on the back of his neck, in some sort of desperate attempt to embed it in his heart also. And then it was over. Over before I knew it, over before I could even react to his kiss. I had just sat there, savouring the moment. I started to fight back, grabbing his neck roughly, attempting to pull him back in for more. But he shrugged me off, he had never rejected me like that. With one last longing look. I thought he was going to come back, grab me and never let me go. I thought he was going to tell me he loved me, and embrace me until it grew dark. But it was already growing dark, and he had gone. Leaving me cold and alone. He went back, to her.

*Edited again 12th July 10'

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cookie

Hey =]

Welcome to YWS!

I'm gonna take a shot at reviewing this for you =]

First off - I like the title. It's different =]

And then he kissed me.

It's not that bad a hook as it instantly evokes questions in the reader's mind. Who is he? Why did he kiss her? etc.

His grip was so strong I couldn’t let go.

This doesn't make much sense. You say that he is gripping your MC (main character) so surely she wouldn't be the one to be letting go as she's the one being held on to - if you see what I mean. Maybe try something like;

'His grip on my waist was so strong that I couldn't have backed away, even if I wanted to. And I didn't.'

I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, his skin was exceptionally warm, and soft.

I think you need a comma after the first 'soft' Also, you use the word 'soft' twice in this sentence - maybe swap one of them for another word, e.g. 'smooth' or 'velvety'

I breathed in the familiar musky smell I loved.

This is only a suggestion, but maybe you could describe the 'musky' smell in further detail. It would just help the reader to imagine the scene - evoking more of the reader's senses - and it would help to add a little more background to your characters.

This could have been the last opportunity I had, to get my boy.

You don't need the comma.

could even react to his kiss, I had just sat there

I think it would read better if you split this up by replacing the comma with a full stop.

moment and let him.

Let him what?

I started to fight, I grabbed his neck roughly, attempting to pull him back in for more.

I think it would reader better as;
'I started to fight, grabbing his neck roughly in an attempt to pull him back in for more.'

But he shrugged me off, he gave me one last longing look.

Replace the comma with 'and' and get rid of the second 'he'

He went back, to her.

'He'd gone back to her.'

Nice ending. It leaves me wanting more

I hope you find this review helpful and don't hesitate to PM me if you want me to take a look at the second version of this =]

xDudettex

Hey Girl! I think we've already met. Anyway, Stella here!

Wow, this is really short. Couldn't you have given us more? Here goes!

I. NITPICKS

And then he kissed me.

I'm not sure about starting a novel with "And then." Not sure as in I'm on the fence about whether it's a good idea or not. I'm not going to tell you to change it but... yeah.

I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, his skin was exceptionally warm, and soft.

I think start a new sentence after "hair." And no comma after warm.

to get my boy.

This sounds odd.

Okay, this is too short to have any real specific issues.

II. OVERALL

It's only a paragraph, so I can't say much. It's a strange place to open your book, and I have to say that there's not much plot, but it's not bad. It is a bit drawn out though. I like your ending.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

#1, I loved this! Perfect little snippet of what I think will turn out to be an awesome story! Let me know if you post more

#2, There were a few spots where I thought things could be worded differently. I hate sounding like I'm so obsessed with my own writing that you need to use my phrasing instead of yours, but I did find a few words/phrases awkward and I just wanted to give you examples of what an alternate wording might be. You don't have to use the suggestions at all, and I also encourage you to rephrase things in your own words if you decide to rephrase them at all. You've got a great writing style, it'd be a shame not to use it. That said, if you're really stuck on how to change something, I won't accuse you of plagiarism if you use my wording.

Anyway, here we go:

I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, his skin was exceptionally warm, and soft. I breathed in the familiar musky smell I loved.

If I were writing this, I'd say "I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair. His skin was exceptionally warm and soft and I breathed in the familiar musky smell that I loved." But that is entirely my own personal style. It's really fine the way it is, it's just the way I think it sounds better.

This could have been the last opportunity I had, to get my boy.

I might be wrong about the tense, but I think it should be "This was the last opportunity I had." I also don't think you need the comma. I understand that you did it for stylistic purposes, but it sounds a tad awkward.

I traced the initial ‘L’ on the back of his neck, in some sort of desperate attempt to embed it in his heart also.

This sounds awkward. Maybe something like, "I traced an 'L' on the back of his neck, in a desperate attempt to somehow embed it in his heart." I know what you're trying to say with the embeding part, and my way isn't the best way either because it's doesn't say exactly what you want. Yours actually gets the exact point across but that "also" is awkward.

But he shrugged me off, he gave me one last longing look.

"But he shrugged me off, then gave me one last longing look." Possibly?

He went back, to her.

You should keep the comma because it adds to the "message" of that line, but with that wording it doesn't work well. Perhaps something like "He'd gone back, to her."
~
To wrap things up, I think you have a great start and should definitely continue writing! Your writing style is very expressive, I can't wait to read more of your work!

Francesca

thegirlandthepen wrote:

And then he kissed me. His grip was so strong I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to either. I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, his skin was exceptionally warm, no comma? and soft. I breathed in the familiar musky smell I loved. I wanted this moment to last forever, right here and right now. This could have been the last opportunity I had, get rid of comma? to get my boy. To save him, and to keep him for always. I traced the initial ‘L’ on the back of his neck, in some sort of desperate attempt to embed it in his heart also. And then it was over. Over before I knew it, over before I could even react to his kiss, period instead? I had just sat there, savouring the moment and let him.(let him what?) I started to fight,[color=#F0000](I fought, grabbing his neck...)[/color] I grabbed his neck roughly, attempting to pull him back in for more. But he shrugged me off, and he gave me one last longing look. I thought he was going to come back, grab me and never let me go. I thought he was going to tell me he loved me, and embrace me until it grew dark. But it was already growing dark, and he had gone. Leaving me cold and alone. He went back, to her.

*sniff* Sad. Very sad.

I don't know what to make of that last sentence. (WTF?)
Without that, it sounds like the last time she EVER saw him alive. Like that, it might be better as the last paragraph in the entire story. That last sentence(grr!) changes that interpretation.

Other than that, I like it! Very tragic!

Hey thegirlandthepen!
This is an awesome opening you have here! I hope you plan on expanding what you wrote because I would read it.

Because this is only a paragraph, I really don't have much to comment on.

With one last longing lookcomma I thought he was going to come back, grab me and never let me go. I thought he was going to tell me he loved meno comma and embrace me until it grew dark. But it was already growing dark, and he had gone. Leaving me cold and alone. He went backno comma to her.

The part in the purple sounds awkward. Instead of saying "it was already growing dark" try saying "But the sun was beginning to set..."

Okay well thats all I really have to say! Good luck with your writing and PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox