Silence: Chapter 2

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It’s raining hard when I get into the guy’s car. It would’ve never been this wet in Dallas. Another reason why Dallas rules over Washington.
The guy says something as he starts the car. I can’t hear him because of some stupid techno crap that blared out of the speakers.
“What?” I replied.
He turns down the music, “My name’s Connor,”
“Ayden,” I mutter. Like you should care, right?
“I haven’t seen you around before.”
“And you know everyone at the high school?” I reply.
“Well, I’m supposed to.” Connor shrugs. We’re out of the parking lot, cruising down the street.
“Uh…huh. Turn right.”
Connor does so. Rain flecks the windshield and I watch each raindrop land on the glass until the wipers wipe them away.
“That’s my house there.” I point when I see it appear. Connor turns in the driveway.
“I’m sorry about your shirt,” he says. “I need to make it up to you.”
“No, you don’t. It’s fine.”
“I’d like to. How about Starbucks or something sometime?”
I huff, “Fine.”
I get out and slam the door. As far as I’m concerned, I’m never gonna see Connor again.

-

Dinnertime.
My dad and mom have collaborated in the kitchen. Tonight it’s Mexican food. I like it and my older sister, Kelly, likes it. But tonight it’s more talk than eat. I don’t join the conversation, though. I’ve sunk into a bad mood. My cut hand is stinging and my sister refused to let my shirt enter the laundry pile with my stuff.
I eat three tacos and two servings of tortilla chips. Then I excuse myself.
It’s when I’m checking my cut to see if it’s infected does my mom check up on me.
“How was school for you?” she asks.
“Good.” I reply.
“Really? What happened to your hand?”
“I hurt it.”
“On what?”
I glare, “I tripped.”
“And stained your shirt?”
“That was different.”
“Is this gonna be like freshman year, Den?”
“Stop calling me Den,” I snap. “And no. I’ve made sure it’s not.”
“Okay. I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“I won’t.”
“Good. What happened with the shirt?”
“A guy spilled his drink on me. He drove me home.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
She leaves me alone. I’m close to screaming now and I grab my iPod, listen to my favorite alternative song on full volume.
I end up screaming in my pillow anyways.

-

Tomorrow I show up early. Interpreter June shows up late. My homeroom teacher looks peeved and I know word will get to the redhead.
Lunch I sit by myself again. Several people walk by me, but no weird looks.
I enter Study Hall. And there’s Connor.
June and the redhead aren’t there. There’s only a teacher assistant, two blond girls, me and Connor.
The teacher assistant wants me to sit by Connor. I sit on the right of him. Then I pull out my school agenda and I check my homework. Turns out there’s none. The assistant comes over and I tell her.
“Really?”
“Yes,” I reply.
The assistant looks doubtful, but lets it go with a dramatic lift of her eyebrows.
Interpreter June storms in. She picks up her bag and leaves, but before she does I see—and everyone else sees—that she’s in tears.
The redhead calls me out in the hallway.
“June’s resigned,” she told me. “She can’t stick to the schedule.”
“Great, so I don’t have any way of getting information?”
“You do. I’ll get an assistant in all your classes. That way, you’re able to do all your homework.”
“Why did you fire her?”
The redhead sighs sharply, “Because she was late. And she was sloppy, from what I’ve heard. Socializing with teachers too much. Sloppy signing. She’s young. She’s not used to this.”
“And you fire her after two days?”
“I know what kids want. Whether they admit it or not, they want good education. And that’s why I switched your free period to seventh. Because I got an e-mail from your mother. About freshman year in Dallas.”
I’m starting to detest my mother right now.
My reply comes through my teeth, “And should freshman year matter? I’m a sophomore. It’s all in the past. I don’t care.”
“I know. I’m just taking precautions. I want everything to be okay.”
“Well, it’s okay now. Because it doesn’t matter.”
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




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I like this part more than the last one. No grammar nitpicks as far as I can tell; and I like the way the story's paced; though I'm not quite sure where it's going.
One thing.
Make sure you don't turn his freshman year into the "big something" You know, where all the students ask these weird, prying questions that pertain to IT and summon bad memories of IT and his mom talks to him about IT and tells other people....
Because the more you build it up, the more payoff we expect when we find out what IT is.
And if its not as super as we hoped, it's kind of like this:
Yeah.... so?
Also, don't let secrets make up Ayden's entire personality.

Sorry if that sounded like I didn't enjoy it; I did. Alot. I just don't want to to fall into those traps you set for yourself.
Awaiting the next piece,
***The Universe****
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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I agree with Empress about the secrets thing. You should let us find out more about who Ayden is and maybe a bit more of what he enjoys. Yes, you gave us that when you said he listened to alternative on his iPod but maybe a bit more?

As for the big IT in Ayden's freshman year, I have to agree with Empress again with the buildup. It may just be me, but something big that sounds pretty bad that happened in his freshman year sounds a bit cliche...

This review may be a bit harsh but it's all in love I promise! I love the story so far! Especially with all of your little details!
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity.




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Here are a few nitpicks (with compliments mixed in):

It would’ve never been this wet in Dallas. Another reason why Dallas rules over Washington.


Personal opinion—I think the sentences would flow better if combined into one with a simple dash. (...wet in Dallas—another reason why Dallas...)

I can’t hear him because of some stupid techno crap that blared out of the speakers.


“What?” I replied.


"Stupid techno crap" — HAHAHA. I totally love Ayden's "F this, F that" personality so far. Blared should be blares and replied should be replies. Don't forget to stick with the present tense!

Tonight it’s Mexican food. I like it and my older sister, Kelly, likes it. But tonight it’s more talk than eat. I don’t join the conversation, though.


Again, that part is choppy. Try combining some of it. "Tonight it's Mexican food, cuisine that my older sister Kelly and I like. But tonight it's more talk than eat. I don't join in the conversation though."

Omit the comma after "sister." It's unnecessary. Here's the rule. If you put a noun before a proper noun, then you don't put a comma (ex: sophomore Lucy Smith, my older brother Joe, etc). But if you put a proper noun before a noun, then you put a comma before and after the noun (ex: Stacie, my friend, likes Matt).

I glare, “I tripped.”


The comma should be a period because "glare" is not a dialogue tag. Only put a comma between a verb and the dialogue if the verb is a dialogue tag (ex: said, exclaims, replies, screams).

Tomorrow I show up early. Interpreter June shows up late.


Don't say "tomorrow" because that brings everything to the future tense, which makes things messy because the actions happen in the present. I LOVE that part. The early/late opposites pair works nicely here.

The assistant looks doubtful, but lets it go with a dramatic lift of her eyebrows.


Hahaha, you're hilarious/Ayden's thinking is hilarious. Dramatic lift of her eyebrows? I gotta remember that xD

“I know what kids want. Whether they admit it or not, they want good education. And that’s why I switched your free period to seventh. Because I got an e-mail from your mother. About freshman year in Dallas.”


Too choppy. I'd combine at least two of the last three sentences because choppy talk is Ayden's style. If the TA speaks like that too, then it'll be strange/overdone.

“Well, it’s okay now. Because it doesn’t matter.”


Combine.

My reply comes through my teeth, “And should freshman year matter? I’m a sophomore. It’s all in the past. I don’t care.”


Substitute the comma with either a colon or a period.

Your choppy sentence style in Silence makes Ayden's voice have perks, but don't overdo it or else it's overwhelming.

I'm slightly concerned about how realistic the whole Ayden-getting-a-ride-from-a-random-stranger. After all, most teenagers would never hop into a stranger's car (safety safety safety alert! xD)

The whole convo between Ayden and his mom was hilarious. I love how their talk dwindles down immediately. I don't really understand why Ayden screams in his pillow though.

I also found Ayden's attitude toward the TA about June's resignation to be hilarious. He's all, "Okay, my life already sucks. Congrats for making it worse!"

Goshh. Your writing is too addictive. Sorry for the super long critique.

FAIRY




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Hey, Lee-Anna here!

Great job! I like that you're using present tense. I haven't seen a lot of stories using present tense. I don't really see any nitpicks that no one else has caught. I like Ayden's attitude :D ...it's just kind of like, "My life sucks. This world sucks. STOP TALKING TO ME, KID." Lol, maybe not exactly like that. I know this is a short critique, but I really don't have anything to say that's bad!
Please forgive me if I over-edit anything of yours.



Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire