Angel without her wings part 1 (gory...)

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This story can be gory in parts so good luck stomaching it! Tell me what you think. All comments will be taken to heart and I shall be correcting nightly. I want honest answers! This is the nice bit, the second half will be very, very gory. (I promise:))

“What are you?” They all said this. Foolish mortals, you are all pathetic, what do you do with your simple lives that equals any purpose? At least I fought in wars and survived, all of you are nothing but children in my eyes. “‘What am I?’ I am everything! I am the air you breathe, the sights you see and I am the product of your misuse of the Earth’s atmosphere. I am your salvation and your destroyer. You have nothing and I own all, I am a dark angel.” I pinned him against the wall, he was powerless from that point on. Flesh ripped apart where my hands were and the energy from his soul flooded my brain. His skin turned blue and black, his veins highlighting and eyes dying in the moonlight. His hair fell to the floor and his legs and arms became rooted to the ground. He would become the very thing he destroyed, the Earth. I walked away, his decaying body twitching behind me. I turned around and threw a single red rose on him. It was my form of a... blessing. Smirking, I left the scene and headed for the nearest pub. It was dark and the smoky atmosphere was giving my wings split ends. My long black leather coat blew in the wind and my short black hair spiked down to my shoulders. I hadn’t always been this way; it started years and years ago...

It was world war two, I was new in the neighbourhood here and I was getting to know some of the other teenagers in town. I had noticed a tall dark and all round handsome man with jet black hair working in the fields. His eyes were the lightest green I’d ever seen and he was wearing nothing but some suspended corduroy trousers. There were small droplets of sweat on his forehead and when he turned round he had a strange birthmark on his shoulder, a scar down his spine and speckles of dirt all over him. I strutted over in my town girl dress and high heels. I began to fall as I stepped into the mud. He was there in a flash; ready to catch me. I looked at him in wonder and he smiled sweetly at me. “Silly girl,” he whispered, he picked me up and carried me back onto dry land. “You should know better than to go into the fields after rain fall. A pretty little lass like you could get stuck real easy like.” I laughed and smiled at him. His accent was adorable, cockney obviously. He was perfect and just the sort of friend I needed here.
“Can you take a break; I’d love to get to know my saviour?” My accent had come about, yet I hadn’t been here long enough.
“Sure thing, I was early to work this morning anyways, and miss you best not be calling me your saviour, brings about all sorts of ruddy rumours around ‘ere! Perhaps you should call me by my name.” There was a long pause, was he expecting a reply to that?
“Yes, I suppose I should, what is your name?”
“McGauran, Jessie H. McGauran. What be yours, lass?”
“Sapphire Jenkins, I’m the daughter of the land lord here,”
“I best be nice to you then, I don’t need any extra payments needed on me rent.” I chuckled and held my hand out. I wanted him to shake my hand but what I got surprised me. He pulled my hand to his hip and placed the other on his shoulder. He did the same to me and then danced with me. It was strange to have a man dance with me especially not one so handsome. We used to dance a lot in the town where I used to live but I wasn’t expecting much from here. A few spare people started staring at us but I didn’t care then he grabbed my hand and began to run. He sprinted towards a lake and sat down with me. “So... why did you move here then, Saph?”
“My dad got a bad reputation at home ‘cause of me mother, she conned a lot of people out of their money there.”
“How’d she manage cheating men out of money, if you don’t mind me asking?” ‘He’s polite too! What a good friend he’ll be!’ I thought.
“I don’t mind answering but... it’s a little... racy.” He rolled on top of me, laughing.
“If you don’t mind miss, I think I have a way of getting stuff out of ye.” He chortled and I was purely shocked. I thought about this for a second then smiled and rolled on top of him.
“I think I know too,” he rolled over not seeing the small hill we were on. We began tumbling down the side and we flicked off the edge and into the water. I felt his hands on my hips as he pulled us to the surface. He was laughing so hard that I had to be mean. I went under the water and sucked up some of the lake; I sprung up again and spat the water at him. I laughed then suddenly I was splashed with droplets of pure salty water. I gasped and grabbed hold of shoulder. I pulled him towards dry land and flopped onto the surface drenched and laughing. My summertime dress from my old town was ruined and his corduroys definitely were. The creamy colour they had once been had turned into a dark mud and his black hair was glinting in the sunlight. Then suddenly a worker from the field appeared at our heads and said firmly, “The boss wants you back, you have work to do Jess.” He got up still laughing.

“I think I better take the lass home, it’s near dark and she’s wet as a mop. I don’t want her ill,” I was still laughing so; Jessie picked me up and slung me over his shoulder like a cave man and his wife. “She needs to get home quickly and as you know I am very fast,” he winked at the man whilst listening to me saying, “Put me down, put me down!” he replied, “Not a chance, lass you’re coming home with me!” He left the man standing there and ran towards a small cottage further up stream. He put me down and helped me cross the small pebbles to get to it.
“These are usually flooded; Saph, but you know where I am now so you can always find me if I’m not working on the fields, I’m always here except on a Tuesday but I won’t go into that now.” I hopped across the pebbles and stood by his door. “Now then, lass, I’m going open this here door and a little barking mutt might run out at you, he’s not mine, I don’t even like dogs that much but he keeps stealing from me garbage so I am holding ‘im hostage until I find the owner. Oh and I have to run down to the fields quickly, won’t be long. Feel free to look around my home whilst I’m gone. Just don’t go into the basement, bats y’know?” He unlocked the door and a dog started barking at me. He wasn’t vicious but he was definitely a Labrador, too excitable for me. “There you go lass, go in and make yourself at home, I’ll be back soon. Use the phone to phone your pa if you want.” I went inside his house and waved goodbye to him. “I won’t be long, lass, might have to pick up some food though that’ll take about 15 minutes so get ready for a big shock when I burst through the door.” He shut the door and I went around his house. The first place I went was the living room, it was coloured in dark floor boarding and it had a light wall paper with flowers on it. There was a huge mahogany bookcase filled with books of study, fiction and some rather large vocabulary books. I took one out it read on the first page:

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE LANGUAGE VOL. 1
Donated to Jessie by the University of Dorset Graduated 1947

“But... he’s working in a field... he should be writing novels and teaching children to read and write and the year is 1951... You have to be 20 to get into university! My lord there’s 6 years difference between us!” I opened the next page and a picture fell out. It was a sketch of hedgehog with a small paragraph beside it reading, ‘The hedgehog is prickly, his spine is like mine, his face is sweet and his eyes always shine, there is life and death for this poor soul and my love for you will never grow old.’ “He’s poetic as well?” I whispered to myself I laid the book on the table below the bookcase and headed towards some records by the fireplace. There was a record machine and some jazz records on top of it, on the table beside it were an even bigger pile of records all of which were classical and I marvelled at his priceless collection. On the side of a large brown sofa was a black leather covered book that had sheets of white page in. All of which were music sheets and contained music I’d never heard of, I hummed a few in my head and smiled. “He writes music...” I took the book and opened it to the page I was reading then placed it on top of the grand piano on the over side of the room. I took the sheet out of the binder and placed it on the stand ready to play. I slowly moved my hands on the keys it told me to and smiled at how beautiful it sounded. As the piece of music ended I headed over to his fireplace again, there was a bible on top of it and a wooden cross on top. “Religious too,” I stated flicking to the page he was on. He was on genesis act three; I read the words aloud then placed the bible back. I then left the room to go into the kitchen.

The dog was lying on the floor next to his bowl looking sad. “What’s your name then boy?” The dog barked and put his head by his bowl again. I stroked the back of his furry neck and read the collar on the front, the dog barking happily. “Well then Ruff, let’s try and find you some food.” I looked around the counters and found a note on the side. It read, ‘Feed the dogs scraps and don’t feed him at the dinner table’. It was signed with his name at the bottom then I had an idea. I went over to his cupboards and found a small pot with scraps written on it. I poured some into the dogs bowl and then continued to search the house. I went outside and saw the lake and there was a small bomb shelter fit for only a few people in the back. This was accompanied by some small plants and a few vegetables. It was easy to see how hard working he was and this made me happy to see. I had made a hardworking, decent, honest, kind hearted, learned friend and he was almost perfect. The only issue was age, but that didn’t matter to me, I was happy to have a new friend and even though he is older than me his kind heartedness balanced it out. I went inside again and went into his room. It was small and light containing a double bed, a few paintings, a desk, a wardrobe and huge bag was lying on the bedside table. I went over and looked inside the cabinets of the desk. It contained papers and planning for gardens, rockeries and waterfalls. It contained bed ideas and small dolls fashioned out of bits of wood. It was amazing; his hands crafted such beauty the doll looked like a real girl. It had a tag on it; I looked at it read ‘To Wiltshire Primary School from Jessie McGauran.’ ‘He donates to Primary Schools too? What is he a saint?’ I put the doll back and continued to look around his room. I found few paintings he’d made, they were so beautiful... I couldn’t believe it. ‘So much talent and he’s just working fields?’ I went back into the lounge and sat down sweetly. The door opened suddenly and Jessie came in.


I have a feeling you know how the story is gonna go, but I don't think you'll see some of the turns. Feel free to ruin my fun by posting spoilers.
Iamyoursacrifice xxxxxxx

Spoiler
The gore in this book mainly starts when Jessie and Saph are on a cliff together... here's an extract if you don't believe me:'...soon his body started withering, his veins went black and his eye colour liquefied and fell onto my skin. He soon dropped onto the ground his facial features falling off. He began to regurgitate blood along with his vital organs.' Good luck coping with the nightmares...
Last edited by Iamyoursacrifice on Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Ello, darling!

Wow, I really liked this. A lot. But I have a few concerns.
The notes on the fridge and such, why were they there? Did he know she was coming? Those just put me off a bit.
When they were in the water, why did she pull him out? I would think he would be the one pulling.
“What are you?” They all said this. Foolish mortals, you are all pathetic, what do you do with your simple lives that equals any purpose? At least I fought in wars and survived, all of you are nothing but children in my eyes. “‘What am I?’ I am everything! I am the air you breathe, the sights you see and I am the product of your misuse of the Earth’s atmosphere. I am your salvation and your destroyer. You have nothing and I own all, I am a dark angel.”
Start a new paragraph when she talks.

Another thing: Why did she go to his house if she just met him? Does "Stranger Danger" mean nothing to her? :lol: Okay I get why but I just felt I had to say that. One of my characters did that too.
Her sure call her lass a lot. It's quite funny actually. If he's six years older than her, well, how old is she? I went through this whole story thinking she was sixteen. I hope you don't mind. Oh, here comes another nitpick.
The dog was lying on the floor next to his bowl looking sad. “What’s your name then, boy?”

Also, it would be easier if you put her thoughts in italics. It's easier for the reader, well, it's easier for me. Also, how does a person sit down sweetly? It just sounds funny.
I love the way you write, everything really flows well. Altogether I really loved this piece. You can bet money that I'll be back for part two. :smt003

Love, life, writing. XOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night
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Hello Sacrifice.


There were small droplets of sweat on his forehead and when he turned round he had a strange birthmark on his shoulder


You can scratch the word "small", as the "droplet" already indicates the small size. Also, you need to reword the last part of the quote – he always has the birthmark, you see, not only when he turns around. Try something like "when he turned around, I saw a strange birthmark on his shoulder".


Many of your paragraphs are really long. This is a turn-off for a lot of readers, including me, because it looks like difficult to read (even though it wasn't that in reality!). You can easily divide these into smaller paragraphs and make it nicer for the eye, plus less info-dump like.

Also, the very first paragraph was a bit difficult for me to understand. I think you need to read through it once more and make sure everything is as it should be.

I like the dialogue parts, well, mostly what the man says. His lines seems realistic and smooth, which is great, although you could pay more attention to the punctuation.

Some things that confused me were the ones that Loveless also pointed out. First, she doesn't even think about how she's going to a total stranger's house, which seemed a bit funny to me. Second, how could there be instructions to feed the dog, if he didn't know she was coming? Or has he written them for someone else? If so, she should at least be surprised about it.

I'm not going to go in all the tiniest nit-picks this time. :) I hope I could help, even a little!


Demeter
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Hello Sacrifice! I don't usually read fantasy but bare with me - I might take to it! Well, here are my thoughts, and suggestions: (In red! :) )

Iamyoursacrifice wrote:
“What are you?” Perhaps start new paragraph so it's structured with the dialogue on it's own, that way there is a greater conveyed meaning. It also helps me read this better. They all said this. Foolish mortals, you are all pathetic, what do you do with your simple lives that equals any purpose? At least I fought in wars and survived, all of you are nothing but children in my eyes. I love how you are adressing the reader directly here, it pulls them in and makes them part of your conflict. Be wary though as some people lose readers if this isn't done right. “‘What am I?’ I am everything! I am the air you breathe, the sights you see and I am the product of your misuse of the Earth’s atmosphere. I am your salvation and your destroyer. You have nothing and I own all, I am a dark angel.” Good character development through dialogue, I'm getting to know your character without losing the atmosphere. Start a new line... I pinned him against the wall, he was powerless from that point on. Flesh ripped apart where my hands were and the energy from his soul flooded my brain. His skin turned blue and black, his veins highlighting and eyes dying in the moonlight Very mysterious and engaging, revise the bit that reads, "...ripped apart where my hands were..." - where are your hands?. His hair fell to the floor and his legs and arms became rooted to the ground. He would become the very thing he destroyed,(replace comma with colon) the Earth. I walked away, replace comma with 'with', I find this reads better his decaying body twitching behind me. I turned around and threw a single red rose on him. Character development through actions - love it! It was my form of a... blessing This reads exceptionally. Smirking, I left the scene and headed for the nearest pub. It was dark and the smoky atmosphere was giving my wings split ends. My long black leather coat blew in the wind and my short black hair spiked down to my shoulders. Description with first person is difficult to use and make it sound right, however by combining the setting - as you have done - you've made it work brilliantly and stay controlled. I hadn’t always been this way; it started years and years ago...

It was world war two, replace comma with 'and' I was new in the neighbourhood here and I was getting to know some of the other teenagers in town. I had noticed a tall dark and all round handsome man with jet black hair working in the fields like this. His eyes were the lightest green I’d ever seen and he was wearing nothing but some suspended corduroy trousers vivid picture created here. There were small droplets of sweat on his forehead and when he turned round he had a strange birthmark on his shoulder, a scar down his spine and speckles of dirt all over him. Well described and very creative. Start a new line here - I strutted over in my town girl dress and high heels. I began to fall as I stepped into the mud. He was there in a flash; ready to catch me. I looked at him in wonder and he smiled sweetly at me. “Silly girl,” he whispered, he picked me up and carried me back onto dry land. “You should know better than to go into the fields after rain fall. A pretty little lass like you could get stuck real easy like.” Very good use of language to stimulate character into your dialogue. I laughed and smiled at him. His accent was adorable, cockney obviously. He was perfect and just the sort of friend I needed here.
“Can you take a break; I’d love to get to know my saviour?” My accent had come about, yet I hadn’t been here long enough. This is good, but act out your dialogues and be careful they don't come across as wooden - this could damage the quality of the read and turn away readers.
“Sure thing, I was early to work this morning anyways, and miss, you best not be calling me your saviour, brings about all sorts of ruddy rumours around ‘ere! Perhaps you should call me by my name.” There was a long pause, was he expecting a reply to that?
“Yes, I suppose I should, what is your name?”
“McGauran, Jessie H. McGauran. What be yours, lass?”
“Sapphire Jenkins, I’m the daughter of the land lord here,”
“I best be nice to you then, I don’t need any extra payments needed repeat of the word 'need' in 'needed' should be changed - perhaps 'added'? on me rent.” I chuckled and held my hand out. I wanted him to shake (my hand) - don't repeat, use 'it'. but what I got surprised me. He pulled my hand to his hip and placed the other on his shoulder. He did the same to me and then danced with me. It was strange to have a man dance with me especially not one so handsome revise - make sure this reads correctly and fluently. We used to dance a lot in the town where I used to live but I wasn’t expecting much from here. A few spare people started staring at us but I didn’t care then (do you me when? If not, revise this) he grabbed my hand and began to run. He sprinted towards a lake and sat down with me. “So... why did you move here then, Saph?” Good plot development and underlying tale - use of romanticism always goes down well.
“My dad got a bad reputation at home ‘cause of me mother, she conned a lot of people out of their money there.”
“How’d she manage cheating men out of money, if you don’t mind me asking?” ‘He’s polite too! What a good friend he’ll be!’ I thought take this out of apostrophes and place in italics - this is more easily recognised as thought.
“I don’t mind answering but... it’s a little... racy.” He rolled on top of me, laughing.
“If you don’t mind miss, I think I have a way of getting stuff out of ye.” He chortled and I was purely shocked. I thought about this for a second then smiled and rolled on top of him. Interesting - it's a little perfect of a relationship though do you not think?
“I think I know too,” he rolled over not seeing the small hill we were on. We began tumbling down the side and we flicked off the edge and into the water. I felt his hands on my hips as he pulled us to the surface. He was laughing so hard that I had to be mean. I went under the water and sucked up some of the lake; I sprung up again and spat the water at him. Good show of action, helps the reader interpret plot and atmosphere more clearly. I laughed then suddenly I was splashed with droplets of pure, salty water. I gasped and grabbed hold of his shoulder. I pulled him towards dry land and flopped onto the surface drenched and laughing. This is a happy and enjoyable plot to read! :) My summertime dress from my old town was ruined and his corduroys definitely were 'definately' is a little formal. Replace with a 'more-so' or an alternative? It's up to you. The creamy colour they had once been had turned into a dark muddy brown (just a suggestion) and his black hair was glinting in the sunlight. Then suddenly a worker from the field appeared at our heads and said firmly, “The boss wants you back, you have work to do Jess.” He got up still laughing. New line for dialogue especially when introducing a new character, it not only makes it more understandable but it flows better and conveys stronger meaning.

“I think I better take the lass home, it’s near dark and she’s wet as a mop. I don’t want her ill,” I was still laughing so; Jessie picked me up and slung me over his shoulder like a cave man and his wife. “She needs to get home quickly and as you know I am very fast,Make full stopNew line, capitalize 'He'he winked at the man, whilst listening to me saying, “Put me down, put me down!” again, new line for a new person speaking, capitalize 'He' he replied, “Not a chance, lass you’re coming home with me!” He left the man standing there and ran towards a small cottage further up stream. He put me down and helped me cross the small pebbles to get to it. I haven't once lost where the setting is - which I love!
“These are usually flooded; Saph, but you know where I am now so you can always find me if I’m not working on the fields, I’m always here, except on a Tuesday, but I won’t go into that now.” New line I hopped across the pebbles and stood by his door. “Now then, lass, I’m going open this here door and a little barking mutt might run out at you, he’s not mine, I don’t even like dogs that much but he keeps stealing from me garbage so I am holding ‘im hostage until I find the owner. Oh and I have to run down to the fields quickly, won’t be long. Feel free to look around my home whilst I’m gone. Just don’t go into the basement, bats y’know?” He unlocked the door and a dog started barking at me. He wasn’t vicious but he was definitely a Labrador, too excitable for me. Good we're getting more characteristics here. “There you go lass, go in and make yourself at home, I’ll be back soon. Use the phone to phone your pa if you want.” Brilliant dialogue structuring. New line here... I went inside his house and waved goodbye to him. Again. New line. “I won’t be long, lass, might have to pick up some food though that’ll take about 15 spell out numbers. 'fifteen' not '15' minutes so get ready for a big shock when I burst through the door.” New line. He shut the door and I went around his house. The first place I went was the living room, it was coloured in dark floor boarding and it had a light wall paper with flowers on it. There was a huge mahogany bookcase filled with books of study, fiction and some rather large vocabulary books. We can see the character's curiousity here - beautifully written. I took one out it read on the first page:

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE LANGUAGE VOL. 1
Donated to Jessie by the University of Dorset Graduated 1947

“But... he’s working in a field... he should be writing novels and teaching children to read and write and the year is 1951... Did you not say this was now WWII? (1939-1945) Revise this? You have to be 20 twenty, spell out to get into university! My lord there’s 6 six years difference between us!” I opened the next page and a picture fell out. It was a sketch of hedgehog with a small paragraph beside it reading, ‘The hedgehog is prickly, his spine is like mine, his face is sweet and his eyes always shine, there is life and death for this poor soul and my love for you will never grow old.’ Did you make this up? Fabulous stuff! New line here... “He’s poetic as well?” I whispered to myself I laid the book on the table below the bookcase and headed towards some records by the fireplace. There was a record machine and some jazz records on top of it, on the table beside it were an even bigger pile of records all of which were classical and I marvelled at his priceless collection - again, beautiful portrayal of character curiousity. On the side of a large brown sofa was a black leather covered book that had sheets of white page in. All of which were music sheets and contained music I’d never heard of, I hummed a few in my head and smiled. Brilliant. “He writes music...” I took the book and opened it to the page I was reading then placed it on top of the grand piano on the over side of the room. I took the sheet out of the binder and placed it on the stand ready to play. I slowly moved my hands on the keys it told me to and smiled at how beautiful it sounded. smiled is a very good emotion to use to convey character personality, development and characteristics but don't over use it. If you can find alternatives. As the piece of music ended I headed over to his fireplace again, there was a bible on top of it and a wooden cross on top. “Religious too,” I stated flicking to the page he was on. He was on genesis act three; I read the words aloud then placed the bible back. I then left the room to go into the kitchen. Nice, the reader's with you every way. Not lost and thus gripped.

The dog was lying on the floor next to his bowl looking sad. “What’s your name then boy?” The dog barked and put his head by his bowl again. I stroked the back of his furry neck and read the collar on the front, the dog barking happily. “Well then Ruff, let’s try and find you some food.” I like how you've installed some humour in calling him 'ruff' - made me smile! I looked around the counters and found a note on the side. It read, ‘Feed the dogs scraps and don’t feed him at the dinner table’. It was signed with his name at the bottom then I had an idea.Replace with colon, not full stop. I went over to his cupboards and found a small pot with scraps written on it. comma here, not full stop. I poured some into the dogs bowl and then continued to search the house. I went outside and saw the lake and there was a small bomb shelter fit for only a few people in the back. This was accompanied by some small plants and a few vegetables. It was easy to see how hard working he was and this made me happy to see. I had made a hardworking, decent, honest, kind hearted, learned friend and he was almost perfect. The only issue was age, but that didn’t matter to me, I was happy to have a new friend and even though he is older than me his kind heartedness balanced it out. I went inside again and went into his room. It was small and light containing a double bed, a few paintings, a desk, a wardrobe and huge bag was lying on the bedside table. I went over and looked inside the cabinets of the desk. It contained papers and planning for gardens, rockeries and waterfalls. It contained bed ideas and small dolls fashioned out of bits of wood. It was amazing; his hands crafted such beauty the doll looked like a real girl. It had a tag on it; I looked at it read ‘To Wiltshire Primary School from Jessie McGauran.’ ‘He donates to Primary Schools too? What is he a saint?’ I put the doll back and continued to look around his room. We share mystery and curiousity with your character which is fantastic and the setting doesn't once falter! Brilliant description and control! I found few paintings he’d made, they were so beautiful... I couldn’t believe it. ‘So much talent and he’s just working fields?’ I went back into the lounge and sat down sweetly. The door opened suddenly and Jessie came in. Nice round off ending

Brilliant work! Just take in the few points about structure and indent the paragraphs and this'll be close to flawless - keep up the fab work and I can't wait for more!





If fortis was here, we could have a teal party
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