Seven Petals -Prologue-

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Most people don't believe me when I say I have six sisters. Most people also don't believe me when I introduce them to my sisters. When we go out to the mall, or out to eat, or even to the post office, people ask my mom how she can chauffeur her daughter's friend's around like that. My mom smiles and says, "These are all my girls."
Now, you have to understand people's initial shock and why they are so puzzled. You would be too, trust me.
My name is Kailey Orlando-Thomas. I have blond hair and brown eyes, and a couple scattered freckles. I bare the name of my real father, who I have never known, and my step-father who I lived with in California until I was four. He and my mother's marriage ended, my yellow lab Sandy died, and my father moved to England. My mother and I headed to Ohio.
Later that year, my mother's world was rocked again when her best friend from college died in a plane crash with his wife, leaving behind their three year old daughter Marisol Benjamin. My mother was her godmother and took her in. Marisol is of Hispanic descent, with milk chocolate hair and the same shade of eyes.
Jess Taylor came to live with us next. My mother once babysat Jess's father, whose wife and he decided they were unable to care for their child, and had to place their daughter up for adoption. My mother took her in a month later, filing for adoption. Jess has light russet skin and ink black hair, her deep brown eyes nearly the same color. During this time, my mother had become engaged to a kind man who she planned on spending her life with. Together they bought a large house and had begun to plan the wedding, when a chance for his sing-star dreams to become a reality rose. He had a choice, and he chose to become a celebrity rather than stay with my mother. Nicki Roberts was born on Christmas that year. She has brown curls and blue eyes, and also a hundred freckles.
My mother recovered, figuring a man like him was out of her reach from the beginning, and reconnected with one of her old high school boyfriends. They couldn't make their relationship work, but something "good" came of it; Mia James. She has her father's orange hair and green eyes, and a thousand freckles.
Five children should've been enough for anyone. Not my mother. When her childhood friend became unable to keep his daughter safe and healthy, my mother stepped in as godmother and began to raise Chrissa Daniels as another of her children. Chrissa has blue eyes and dark brown hair like her dad.
My father came for a visit that Christmas. He and my mother remarried not long after, and not long after that, Lanie Thomas was born. She has green eyes and blond hair.
We all live together in a huge house, where each of us has a bedroom, and we have pets. A dog for me, cats for Marisol and Nicki, a rabbit for Lanie, and a llama for Chrissa. We go to a fantastic arts school with all our friends, each of us liking different art styles. I like acting, Marisol is into modern dance, Jess likes photography, Nicki likes guitar, Mia likes ballet, Chrissa is into visual art, and Lanie... Well, she dabbles in everything.
Lanie and I are the only ones who look like our parents. People do stare as we pass them by. Each of us are best friends, closer to one sister than another. Nicki and I are very close, where as Mia and Jess are always together. Chrissa and Lanie are attached at the hip, and Marisol tends to keep close to Jess and Mia. We fight, we laugh, we love, and we are like any other family, just very big. Seven sisters, together.
Last edited by kiybrandon2011 on Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Best Friends: The people who know all about you, but love you more than anything."
"Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios."
"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."
"If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?"




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This prologue sounds like it would create a very interesting story, with a range of paths it could follow. The description of each of the characters is nice, I especially like this sentence:

Jess has light russet skin and ink black hair, her deep brown eyes nearly the same color


One point is that many of your sentences are quite short or end too abruptly - perhaps you should consider using some more conjunctions, besides 'and'. Another thing you could fix is info dump. There is quite a lot happening in this prologue, the introduction of so many characters at once. It would be better if you could slowly introduce the characters during the story. Even though it’s an introduction of all sisters, for a prologue, there are too many bits and pieces.

Looking forward to seeing how it goes!
Last edited by angeli118 on Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.




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same shade for eyes.


I can't help thinking that this should be "same shade of eyes".

whose wife and he both decided


I think this should be "they decided".

Apart from that it was an excellent piece of writing, there weren't any grammar errors or anything like that and it made an absolutely excellent read. I can't wait to reas the rest of the story so keep writing and post it quick :D !
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Hey =]

Welcome to YWS!

I think you have an interesting idea for a story here and I'm intrigued to read on =]

You mananged to describe each girl with just enough detail to enable the reader to picture her, yet without making it boring enough that we find ourselves skipping sentences.

The story of how each girl came to live with your MC and her Mum seem very thought out and, as I've already said at the start of this review, I'm interested to see where you take this story =]

I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes, so well done there, and your writing seemed to flow.

Thanks for the great read, and I'll be looking for future posts from you!

xDudettex
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Im not really sure what to say in terms of grammer and storyline, but I do have something to say about the character developement.

This is a very short, but still informative prologue. Which of course is good, especially since you have handed the reader a good amount of information in a few paragraphs without it seeming like overkill. So far the story doesnt have a true plot to me, but I'm completely unsure of where it is going so this makes me want to read any future chapters.

The character descriptions were short, but yet informative and for that we readers thank you. It helps hold our attention.

Basically great job.

~DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"




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Hey Brandon! New to YWS? Welcome!You can call me Stella, and I will be your reviewer today...

I. NITPICKS

Most people don't believe me when I say I have seven sisters.


Six, doesn't she?

chauffeur her daughters friend's around like that.


daughter's friends. Apostrophe with possessive, not plural. Confused on apostrophes? Here's an article from the YWS KB! topic35798.html

My name is Kailey Orlando-Thomas.


Awesome last last name ;)

when a chance for his dreams to become reality arose.


What were his dreams?

Five children should've been enough for anyone.


I'm only counting four at this point.

II. INFODUMP

So. I'm trying to do a rewrite of the Twelve Dancing Princesses and my own MC Charlotte has eleven sisters. I feel your pain. However, though I know the temptation to make the introductions here, it's a pretty boring infodump of a read for us. There's no story in your prologue, and the prologue is where we're going to decide whether we're going to continue or not.

My original beginning of Twelve was just like this, it told us what each sister looked like and what her passion was. It was a mistake! It's much better to try and do this in a natural way, and not with quite so much information. An infodump is not a good way to begin a story. Why not try having all the sisters come in and describing them each individually but in person? Space the stories of their past out throughout the text? There are lots of ways to avoiod infodump, but the bottom line is that avoid it you must.

III. REALITY?

Isn't the adoption process ridiculously difficult to get through? Wouldn't they wonder when she has so many children? Social services would be checking up on the new adoptees anyway, and they might wonder when the mother seems to be having all these different relationships and picking up random godchildren along the way. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but it isn't plausible. I need you to make me believe it! Again, I think spending more time on the story of their past might help. You can put in details and such along the way.

The thing is, with seven girls, did she work as well? Otherwise how did she get the money to send them to a fancy-pants arts school? All eventualities should be thought about.

IV. OVERALL

It certainly seems like it's going to be a very interesting story!

Hope I helped and if you have any questions about YWS, the review or anything at all, feel free to drop me a PM!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thanks to everyone who has read this so far, I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thanks also for catching the mistakes. I apologize if you feel this is an "infodump", but as a theatre major, I've been taught it's good to establish your characters before getting into the thick juicy details. Besides, this could just double as a descriptions page to assist in your imagaining of the sisters.
To answer some questions, Kailey, Nicki, Mia, and Lanie are all hers by birth. She is the respective godmother of Marisol and Chrissa who are 3 years apart and is their legal guardian. Jess is the only one she actually had to file paperwork for.
Also, yes, she is a wedding planner/novelist, and her husband is a lawyer/movie producer. The arts school is a public charter school, costing nothing.
The plot will become evident soon, I promise. :)
~Kiy
"Best Friends: The people who know all about you, but love you more than anything."
"Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios."
"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."
"If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?"



I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney