Shay's Blu (Prologue)

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*This is more of a short beginning than a prologue... Enjoy.*

"Why no Blu, I should think not."
"Shay, who are you talking to."
"Why Cora, I think you'd of heard me say..."
"Blu... your pig?"
"But of course dear... speaking of, he tells me something absolutely ridiculous..... Like you believe he doesn't exist. Tell me this isn't true dear sister?"
"Shay... I'm five years older than you, don't call me dear. And I can't see Blu, so I'm not sure if he's real or not."
"He tells me you think he's... a figment of my imagination."
"Shay..."
"Cora, you cannot see God, yet you are so sure he exists. Is he not a figment of your imagination?"
"Shay... don't get preachy with me, you're nine..." Cora chose her words carefully," and... and we're atheists, okay?"
"Blu, let's go, we're obviously not welcome here."
"I didn't say anything!"
"Sometimes it's not how you say something, it's how you... convey something." With that, Shay Bennet walked, nose in air, out of the kitchen, dragging a limp dog leash behind him.


Having a absurdly formal brother who was somewhat of a prodigy, but was also five years younger than you was insanely difficult to handle. Add a hallucinated pet pig, and you've got a bizarre situation that Cora had not yet learned to deal with. Cora Bennet lived pretty much alone with Shay, she attended the local high-school, and had a part time waitressing job as well. Her mother, she had one, came and went as she pleased, and her absence was adapted to. Shay and Cora had a reasonably fine life... Shay's forged signatures paid their bills, and money from the checking account always seemed to be there. Nobody knew the children in 4A were alone, and somehow nobody found out.

Blu and Shay were having a "Casual Business Tea" with a doll tea set when Cora walked in. (She hoped to ask Shay about her homework.)

"As you see, Blu, Plan A would save not nearly as much money, resources and time as Plan C... Oh Cora...," Shay twirled around in his black leather office chair, "we were discussing plans... would you mind waiting outside until we're done?" Shay spun back around and pointed to a chart with a ruler. He took a nonchalant sip out of his "Ladybug Tea" cup. A pink plastic high-chair was set in front of a round craft table in the centre of the boy's room. "Blu, notice the trend that exists throughout..." Cora rolled her eyes and left the room. Shay was always involved in his "Company Meetings," "Board Meetings," and "Teas," with Blu.

"Can I come in now Shay?" Cora asked sweetly.
"Blu, can Cora enter our facility?"
The door swung open.
"What do you want Cora, I only have a five minute break." Shay said curtly.
"Nothing if that's how you're going to be." Cora stalked out of his room again, and slammed the door behind her, exasperated.
"Cora, I don't think we have enough funds to cover the purchase of a new door." Shay called out.
"Goodbye Shay," Cora yelled back. Heavy footsteps ran down the stairs.

Shay sighed and swung the door back open letting a bright blue pig with iredescent white butterfly wings trot after her.

*I know this needs a ton of editing and revising but I just want to know what you think about the beginning.*
Last edited by Threnody on Sun Jan 03, 2010 8:47 pm, edited 3 times in total.
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes”
~ The Little Prince~




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This is intriguing, and I find I like it so far. You characterized Shay very well, though Cora is still somewhat vague to me. I am anxious to see what this will be about.

Just some grammar stuff...
In the beginning, the dialogue without tags was a bit confusing, and it was hard to determine who was speaking. You may want to put a few "Shay said"s or "Cora said"s in there just to clarify, though every line doesn't need a tag.

"Why no, Blu, I should think not."


A question mark after "to" in the second line. You have a couple other sentences that are questions that need a question marks as well.

Having a absurdly formal brother who was somewhat of a prodigy, but was also 5 years younger than you was insanely difficult to handle. Add a hallucinated pet pig, and you've got a bizarre situation that Cora had not yet learned to deal with.

I like this.

attended the local high school

High school is two words.

Forged has one g.

Blu and Shay were having a "Casual Business Tea" with a doll tea set when Cora walked in, hoping to ask Shay about her homework.


Duscussing should be discussing.

"What do you want Cora? I only have a 5 minute break." Shay said curtly.


It also ends a bit abruptly, so maybe you want to have the prologue end on more of a concluding note. It confused me a little.

But overall, I like it. Keep writing. :D
Ryllie
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Hi there Forever. I'm Conrad Rice, and I shall be your reviewer for today.

So, it looks to me like there are some minor grammar and spelling errors scattered throughout this piece. I would recommend you run it through a spell check and pay close attention to your grammar in order to fix these problems.

As for your actual story, I find that to be very well done. You've characterized Cora and Shay very well, and I am already finding myself caring about what happens to them next. Which is how it ought to be. Your description is good, and your narrative makes this flow along rather well.

So, all in all, this is good. You just need to tidy up those spelling and grammar errors. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hey =]

The interesting title drew me in straight away, so props for that!

As for the story, it seems pretty interesting at the moment; two siblings living a life with a Mum who shows up when she feels like it. The youngest being a 'prodigy' of some sort and the eldest is left to make sure they get through life.

I did find a few mistakes;

Is he not a figment of your imagination."

'Is he not a figment of your imagination?'

and we're atheists okay?"

I'd maybe add in a comma after 'atheists'

With that, Shay Bennet walked, nose in air, out of the kitchen, dragging a limp dog leash behind him.

I loved this sentence - it made me smile =]

also 5 years younger

'5' should be 'five'

"As you see, Blu, Plan A would save not nearly as much money, resources and time as Plan C... Oh Cora... we were discussing plans...

I would suggest adding in some more detail here. Maybe describe Shay looking up to see his sister enter the room. For example;
'"...and time as plan C." Shay, upon hearing the door open, looked over at his sister and let a frown crease his forehead in annoyance.' - Just a suggestion =]

"Blue, notice

I think you mean 'Blu'

I only have a 5 minute break

'5' should be 'five'

Cora stalked out of his room again.

Maybe describe how she's feeling here. Is she irritated by her brother behaviour? Frustrated?

white butterfly wings trotted after her.

I'm a bit confused here. By 'her' do you mean Cora or is it a typo and you mean it to be 'him' as Blu is following after Shay?

Overall, I loved the way you characterised Shay!

Thanks for the great read and I hope my review has helped =]

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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This is cool I think your a great writer and really hope to see more of your stories really soo n can't wait and hope you have a geat day your fellow writer for Jesus...........


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