My Last Story

3/6/1995.

You can’t see it, but I can.
As I write this I’m staring at the woman of my dreams. Her long golden hair billows serenely in the wind of the small table fan. She has the most unbelievable face you could ever imagine. Something that deserves recognition an award-something.
But alas I shall never have her. For she is happily engaged at 22 and I am but a lowly, poor 15 year old. Its just a crush, I know it. But the day I first met her I just couldn’t help but just stare into those big blue eyes that looked like the sky, and think, I love her.
Now you may think why I am writing this.
My life has been hard and tiring and I know that I may sound whiny but I insure that is not the case. .

My family is a well, dysfunctional, my dad and mother are both drunks and both take illegal substances or so I tend to believe. I have a brother but he is in “the lock up” as my dad puts it.
My Father has no time for me. The only words he says to me is hey
“Mike get me another beer” in a slurred tone that I have heard on so many occasions.
My mothers sole contribution to my life is to give me bruises on my behind (my dad helps me with that a lot as well)
I’ve never been to school. Never had any presents given to me. Never been properly loved by anyone.

I had to thumb a ride even to get here. I ended up walking the entire way here any how.
I see the expressions on their faces as they flash past in their sporty cars, fully equipped with boom boxes and electric sliding windows.
They see a raggedy boy with clothes on that looked like they deserve to be on a scarecrow. I suppose even the crows wouldn’t want to be my friend. I
I don’t blame the people that pass me by. If our positions were to be reversed I wouldn’t want to stop for a guy that looked like he could pull a switch blade from the tattered waste band of his pants, ordering the poor fellow out of his car and onto the cold asphalt of the road.

But again they shouldn’t judge a book by its cover so to speak.

I look up from what a I’m writing (a letter to you really) you give me a small kind smile something that is rarity in my life. You don’t know it but at that instant my heart melts for you. Also you have been kind to me.
You didn’t cringe away when I offered you a grubby piece of paper out of a note book that I had found on the side of the road. I was so elated at my discovery I know that sounds poor. But words couldn’t describe how I felt when I found this pad that I’m writing in now actually. The last page in it. For that’s all I need now..
But I am diverting. You fully well know my passion for writing by now.
Can you remember?
The day I first met you? You were at your computer typing away. (Something that I will always envy) You looked down at me not with horror or revulsion rather in interest. I remember walking up towards the door of the Daily News offices and reception area. Almost in tears because I knew that they would take one look at me and tell me to leave. But it didn’t happen.
My grubby paper which had my story enclosed in it was taken by you and when I returned the next week. You gave me the greatest news of my life. That my story had been accepted and here was my 10 dollars publication fee. I nearly burst like a balloon at the site of my money.
In an instant my mind had filled with images of hot dogs and ice cream pancakes with straw berries and cream with generous helpings of maple syrup.
I nearly leapt over that table and kissed you. But of course that would have been in appropriate. You smile your smile sweet smile and went back to your computer.


From then on I had come to your office and given you a story and then the next week you would give me money. I loved my trips down town. Now I walk all the way here.I skip like a small agile doe through the plains of Africa. My belly filled with glorious hot food from the corner store. I kept the money I saved under my bed in an old chipped cookie jar, it didn’t have a lid because my dad had threw at me in one of his numerous drunken rages. I still have the scar from where it had struck on my lower back.

Ah, I don’t think I ever told you how I became to be able to read and write for a I never went to school.
At the library they had these free teaching lessons. I went to every one. There was only 3 kids that went to it. Eventually the old lady that had run had passed away in her sleep. I was dreadfully sad, I cried more than a St Bernard’s eye when it has rheumatic disease.
One of the librarians had given me a dictionary stating that Mrs Beasley wanted me to have it. That was her dying wish to me. So that I could achieve my full potential as an academic citizen.

Well there so you have it. The clock has struck one and my little letter be at an end. This will be the last grubby piece of paper you will receive from but you will not know it. Until you get to HERE.

Remember when you asked me about my first story about how the teen boy kills his parents. I had replied that it was just an act of fiction and nothing more. Well I lied, I’m sorry. I know you thought better of me. I wanted to act it out so to speak. I never dis-closed to you that I wanted to be an actor as well.

Bye.
Mike



P.S- Please forgive me for what I have done. You will know sure enough of my past actions soon enough possibly it will even printed in this very newspaper tomorrow. It will be the last story by Mike Hewitt in this News Paper.

Exert from Daily News

‘Three dead in double homicide, suicide. The mother was found deceased on her bed, her throat was cut with an old cookie jar container sharpened at one end. Father found deceased on couch possible suffocation by pieces of paper crammed down his throat. Paper with stories in a child’s neat script. Boy found, hanged in garage”

Your story's got a lot of emotion in it, and the first sentence is captivating. Good work there.
There are some technical errors, though. (unnecessary articles, word choice: 'insure' should be 'ensure' in Para. 5, etc. Also, after (a letter to you really) add 'and'. And take off the 'a' earlier in the sentence.) You'll be able to pick out these errors as you rewrite your story
It's sad how the boy turns out in the end, but I guess tragedy's the theme of the story? Again, nice job on the plotline.

Er... I'm hoping this is fiction? XD
Anyways, I'm in an editing mood, so I'll edit this for you if you don't mind. comments at the end, my comments throughout in bold.

You can’t see it, but I can.Love this.
Something that deserves recognition an award-something.Change the award-something bit. Just make it award.
But alas I shall never have her.Why not make this a comma and continue the sentence? Also, the bit of older English makes this jump out too much. Take out the Old English "shall" and "alas" - replace them. For she is happily engaged at 22 and I am but a lowly, poor 15 year old. ItsYou forgot the apostrophe - it's. just a crush, I know it. But the day I first met her I just couldn’t help but just You don't need this "just". It's too much. stare into those big blue eyes that looked Don't switch between past and present tense - make this present like the rest of it (look, not looked)like the sky, and think, I love her.
Now you may think why I am writing this. Ask why you are writing this sounds better.
My life has been hard and tiring and I know that I may sound whiny but I insureInsure has to do with money - I think you mean assure that is not the case. .Typo with the double-period?
My family is a Take out the "a". Makes no sense with the rest of the sentence. well, dysfunctional,Period and a new sentence would sound better my dad and mother are both drunks and both take illegal substances or so I tend to believe. Take out the "tend to believe" bit; it takes away from the feeling I have a brother but he is in “the lock up” as my dad puts it.
My Father has no time for me. The only words he says to me is hey What's with this huge space? Condense it, and put the quotation mark in front of the "hey" (capitalize "hey" when you do this) and make that what he says.
“Mike get me another beer”comma before the quotation marks in a slurred tone that I have heard on so many occasions.
My mothersMother's sole contribution to my life is to give me bruises on my behind (my dad helps me with that a lot as well) Don't use brackets; and your dad would help her with that, not you.
I ended up walking the entire way here any how. Anyhow is one word.
They see a raggedy boy with clothes on that looked look, not looked like they deserve to be on a scarecrow. I suppose even the crows wouldn’t want to be my friend. I random I?
If our positions were to be reversed I wouldn’t want to stop for a guy that looked like he could pull a switch blade from the tattered waste band of his pants, ordering the poor fellow You're supposed to be talking as though you are a driver, so this should be "me out of my car... etc." out of his car and onto the cold asphalt of the road.
But again they shouldn’t judge a book by its covercomma so to speak.
I look up from what a I’m writing (a letter to you really) instead of brackets, why doesn't it go, "I look up from writing this letter, which I know I will soon address to you, and... you give me a small kind smilecomma something that is rarity in my life. You don’t know it but at that instant my heart melts for you. Also you have been kind to me. You don't need the last sentence. It's too... out of it. Jumpy.
You didn’t cringe away when I offered you a grubby piece of paper out of a note book one word that I had found on the side of the road. I was so elated at my discovery I know that sounds poor. But words couldn’t describe how I felt when I found this pad that I’m writing in now actually Don't need the actually.. The last page in it. For that’s all I need now.. Random period, again.
But I am diverting Um... what? You mean you are being distracted? Having your attention diverted from it's original course?.
(Something that I will always envy)The brackets actually work nicely here, though I don't recommend you use them often. You looked down at me not with horror or revulsion rather in interest ... not with horror or revulsion, but with interest. I remember walking up towards the door of the Daily News offices and reception area. Comma, not a period Almost in tears because I knew that they would take one look at me and tell me to leave.
My grubby paper which had my story enclosed in it was taken by you and when I returned the next week. You gave me the greatest news of my life.colon, not a period, and remove the "that" after this comment That my story had been accepted and here was my 10 dollars publication fee a fee means YOU would be paying it - look over this
In an instant my mind had filled with images of hot dogs and ice cream comma pancakes with straw berries one word and cream with a generous helpings singular of maple syrup.
You smile your smile sweet smile You smiled that sweet smile - tone it down and went back to your computer.
From then on I had come came, not had come to your office and given gave you a story and then the next week you would give me money. I loved my trips down town. Now I walk all the way here. I skip like a small agile doe gazelle through the plains of Africa African savannahs. comma, not period My belly filled with glorious hot food from the corner store. I kept the money I saved under my bed in an old chipped cookie jar, it didn’t have a lid because my dad had threw at me in one of his numerous drunken rages. I still have the scar from where it had struck on remove the "on" my lower back.
Ah, I don’t think I ever told you how I became to be able to read and write for a I never went to school. Change this. Maybe, "I don't think I ever told you how I learned to read and write, seeing as I have never gone to school."
At the library they had these free teaching lessons. I went to every one. There was were only 3 kids that went to it. Eventually the old lady that had run ran it, not had run had passed away in her sleep. I was dreadfully sad, I cried more than a St Bernard’s St. Bernard dog's eye when it has rheumatic disease.
Well there comma so you have it. The clock has struck one and my little letter be is, not be at an end. This will be is, not will be the last grubby piece of paper you will receive from me. Don't include the rest of this paragraph, it's pointless but you will not know it. Until you get to HERE. Yeah, delete that last bit
I never dis-closed "I never told you that I wanted to be... sounds better to you that I wanted to be an actor as well.
It will be the last story by Mike Hewitt in this News Paper newspaper is one word.
Exert Excerpt, not exert. Exert is like, you exert yourself during exercise. Excerpt is what you want. from Daily News colon

Fairly good, emotional story. Needs quite a bit of fixing up, but it's a good short read.
Continue with your writing and take all advice to heart, and you could make a wonderful writer some day

Hi! This story was... confusing. I got the gist of it, but lots of things left me going "What?" There's also some grammar problems, but I'm not going to find all of those.

The first sentence was very good, and it made me want to keep reading. The problem? I have no idea how it relates to the story. Then the next two paragraphs are equally confusing. The rest of the story describes his relationship with a reporter(?) who publishes his stories, and he writes this letter or suicide note to her. So is she the woman he is describing at the beginning? I don't get it, please explain.

Also, I felt like the abuse was just overblown. It's a pet peeve of mine that every time a character has abusive parents, they are automatically the devil incarnate, and that's the largest description they get. I feel like these people who have had such a huge impact on Mike's life and his mental state get nothing more than the cardboard role of villain. I guess what I'm trying to say is: expand on the relationship between him and his parents, and give his parents personality. They're still people, even if they're bad people, and they are still multi-dimensional.

Also, I don't have any idea of where the setting is. None whatsoever. Where is he writing this letter? In news office? Outside his crush's house? Somewhere he can see her... I think.

And I think he'd have to go to school. There are truancy laws, you know. I'm pretty sure there are homeschooling regulations, too.

Two more things: Why didn't this woman ever suspect this boy was being abused, because he'd probably have bruises, and his clothes are so bad. If she did, why didn't she tell authorities? I'm willing to bet someone would at least come to his house if she alerted Social Services. Second, I don't think the local newspaper publishes fiction. Mine certainly doesn't.

Overall, I feel like this was very cluttered. You jumped from place to place and it led to a sense of confusion. Streamline it. No one cares how he learned to read, and I'd rather hear more about his relationship with the newswoman, and his parents.
However, it has promise, and it was very sad. Keep writing.

~Karma

Hi, thanks to all who commented thus far. Yes, it may feel cluttered and a bit under done. I just wrote it on impulse, for i had this dream involving something like this. I wrote it to make me happy. (Although i wasn't happy with it)
Any way. Yes i need to keep an eye out for grammatically errors.

Hey there . I'm The.Dreamwalker, here with a review for you!

Kay so, the outline to my reviews is pretty simple. First theres the nit-pick section which relays most of the small details in which you might have forgotten such as grammar issues, confused sentences, misspellings and what not. Then I go into explanations of grammar and punctuation, plot, character developement, and than my overall.

So lets get this show on the road!

Nit-Picks

You can’t see it, but I can.

Interesting first line. A little pushy, maybe, seeing as you are trying to explain as of late what the narrator is seeing. Stirring which can be good or bad.

Her long golden hair billows serenely in the wind of the small table fan.

Change 'in' to 'from'. The sentence sounded awkward.

Something that deserves recognition an award-something.

This sentence doesn't seem to make too much sense. Try rewording it for I think you're are trying to say that her beauty deserved some kind of award? I'm not quite sure.

But alas I shall never have her. For she is happily engaged at 22 and I am but a lowly, poor 15 year old.

Alas, the life of us all, wanting something we can't have. A nice opening to get into that . Try not starting off a sentence though with words like 'for' 'and' or 'but'. Use a comma maybe? Sometimes its acceptable to surpass this rule but try not doing as such.

Also, switch lowly and poor. It would give it more flow.

Its just a crush, I know it.

Take 'it' off the end.

But the day I first met her I just couldn’t help but just stare into those big blue eyes that looked like the sky, and think, I love her.

You use the word 'just' a few times in this sentence which creates redundancy in which we try and avoid. Take the second 'just' out.

My life has been hard and tiring and I know that I may sound whiny but I insure that is not the case. .

Usually, by stating that you're not trying to be melodramatic, you end up being as such, or in this case your character. Try not to state things before everything is explained because, after all, the whole point of a story is to show us something. If you state it before you start showing it, kind of takes the whole point out of it. So, instead of stating it, show us that he is not whiny by making his character development a humble one or a carefree one, maybe.

My family is a well, dysfunctional, my dad and mother are both drunks and both take illegal substances or so I tend to believe.

First off, props for the proper spelling of dysfunctional! I know, its not an extremely unknown word, just has some silly way of spelling it. Now, onto other business.

Period after dysfunctional. Capitalize 'my'. You don't need the second 'both'.

My Father has no time for me. The only words he says to me is hey
“Mike get me another beer” in a slurred tone that I have heard on so many occasions.

Your grammar is a little screwed up here. Heres an example of how this sentence should probably look:

My father ad no time for me. The only words he ever says to me are “Hey, Mike! Get me another beer,” in a slurred tone that I have heard on many occasions.

Hopefully that will help .

My mothers sole contribution to my life is to give me bruises on my behind (my dad helps me with that a lot as well)

By this you do mean 'spankings' right? XD just a clarification. Other than that, seeing as this is a first person piece, you should try and stay away from using brackets. I'm far from a fan of brackets in contemporary literature seeing as it is unneeded for this is all his thoughts anyways, correct? Just a little food for thought.

I had to thumb a ride even to get here. I ended up walking the entire way here any how.

I believe the correct phrase is 'bum a ride'? And also, if he bummed a ride off of someone why would he have to walk the entire way there?

I see the expressions on their faces as they flash past in their sporty cars, fully equipped with boom boxes and electric sliding windows.

Those crazy kids and their flyin' machines xD. Sorry... had to.

I suppose even the crows wouldn’t want to be my friend.

Although nicely put after the line before it, it seems that this story is becoming more and more melodramatic. Try and trim down on the 'I hate everything' clause.

But again they shouldn’t judge a book by its cover so to speak.

Not to be rude or offending but.... your characters a hypocrite?

Also you have been kind to me.

Seemed like an odd add on. Try not throwing things in like that.

You smile your smile sweet smile and went back to your computer.

This sentence is completely off. Take the second 'smile' out. Also, pluralize the first smile and the sentence should be manageable.

I kept the money I saved under my bed in an old chipped cookie jar, it didn’t have a lid because my dad had threw at me in one of his numerous drunken rages.

This sentence is too long. Period instead of comma after jar. Also, threw should be 'thrown'.

At the library they had these free teaching lessons.

Take 'teaching' out of this sentence. It's quite implied.

Until you get to HERE.

Please refrain from using all caps. It's very frustrating to read.

Remember when you asked me about my first story about how the teen boy kills his parents. I had replied that it was just an act of fiction and nothing more. Well I lied, I’m sorry. I know you thought better of me. I wanted to act it out so to speak. I never dis-closed to you that I wanted to be an actor as well.

O_o

Grammar and Punctuation

You have quite a few different areas where you need a little bit of work. Some of your sentences jump from past to present tense within them, as well as some bad usages of periods and commas. Nothing that cant be fixed with a little practice. Also, many of your sentences are very short and fragmented. It happened almost like a relaying of events instead of a fiction story in which it is. It might have been more impacting on the whole if you had gone into more descriptions on the things in which conspired in his life and try to give us a different outlook on this character. Theres gothic and than there is the emotional sess pool of teenage angst. I'm not quite sure if that was where this was going or not due to the lack of emotion in your character for it was a short story.

Plot

This story definitely had an interesting idea put forth in which was exciting and refreshing. Definitly a thumbs up in this area.

Character development

This area could use a bit of work. I had a hard time trying to connect with your narrator. Because it seemed more like a relaying of events instead of an actual story, it was hard to connect on an emotional level which made him very hard to either hate or sympathize. It's like watching the news when you see someone who died and you read an article on it. You feel bad and say oh well but it doesn't hurt you in any sort of way. The greatest writers can conquer this and make it so that you personally feel like they just took apart of you when a character dies. The greatest of writers can do so in the same amount of words in which you piece was. Don't fear emotion for fear of being melodramatic. Fear not enough emotion for you story to be distant and unreachable.

Overall

This piece has a lot of work that needs to be done to perfect it, per say, but as a story it has quite a bit of potential as being a very well written piece with a great idea.

So keep it up, fix up some of the said mistakes and I'm sure, within no time, you'll have a wonderful gem of a story .

Is Walking in Death
~The.Dreamwalker