Forever dead

hey

this is an excerpt from my novel. I have already posted this scene but this version is a vast change to the other. Please tell me what you think. Thanks

Blackness.
It consumed everything; my thoughts, my soul, me. If I did exist. I felt like I was drifting; my soul was flitting in and out of a world I didn’t want to belong in. I was dead.
My soul burned with sadness as I realised I was alone. I didn’t understand how I could think when I didn’t even have a body. Only numbness.
I was dead.
Death. It was as black and cold as people knew it to be. So so cold. If I had a heart it would be pumping fiercely, fear would be running through me. This was my new life if life was the correct term.
I wanted the darkness to form into something that would help me, guide my soul to a place that would be my destined future forever. But nothing came. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. The black hole that consumed me was as dead as I was.
How could I see this hell if I had no eyes? How could I feel this pain if I had no body? And how could I experience this loneliness, this sorrow if I had no heart? If it was possible to shed a tear when dead then I would shed one for everything I was losing. Everything I had lost. If I could do that then maybe the darkness would turn into a sea. A sea of memories and wishes that I would never have again.
I was dead.
It was so dark. It was so cold. I wanted arms so I could reach out and feel for something that would stop this pain that filled my nonexistent self. My soul was burning, burning for the life I had just left.
Blackness.
Where were the angels calling my name? Where was the soul of my father guiding me to the light? Was I forever bound to this silent land? Was this my hell?
I was made for so much more.
Dying was never a beautiful thing.
If I could feel shock I would have been filled with it as I felt something. But how could something touch me if I had no body? Again. Again. An impulse that electrocuted my soul and exploded through the darkness. Millions of electrical impulses whirled through me and I felt my soul falling, the invisible blanket that had kept my soul drifting had gone and I was crashing. So fast.
Pain.
An explosion of pain and I wasn’t sure if screaming out of pain or joy would have been the best response.
I had a body. And it was on fire.
The numbness that had been such a prominent aspect of my hell had now disappeared and in its place was a scorching heat that burned the inside of my body and travelled through my blood. White flashes of pain coloured my black canvas that had coveted me.
My soul hit rock bottom and I felt my eyes – which I thought I had lost – snap open but I saw nothing. My back arched as convulsions shook every nerve inside of me.
Was I really alive?
“Lexie!”
The name I used to be known as. I wanted to be that girl again. My arms that I had missed so much started to flail around as my legs thrashed, painfully connecting with something hard.
“Lexie!”
I wanted to speak. I wanted to ask if this was heaven or if – I dared to dream – I was alive.
Gasping, my open eyes started to see. Shadows that danced in front of my crazed pupils as my chest heaved, dragging in precious air.
“Lexie!”
I squinted, trying to focus as the burning pain filled me. I saw a beautiful face, fuzzy at first but as I tried to concentrate I saw silver eyes, alight with sadness and passion. For me.
I breathed.
“Alistair.” Then I fainted.

Hey there Sophia!

I really liked this! It was interesting and kept me hooked in. It has me wanting to know what happened before/after this excerpt.

I liked how you kept repeating "I was dead". It worked, and sort of kept up the intensity of the situation. I liked her thoughts on the whole being dead thing too, very interesting.

I don't really have much else to comment on, as it was only an excerpt and not very long. All the grammatical stuff seemed to be in order (though I'm not a very nit-picky person). If you ever decide to post more of this story, I'd love to take a look at it.

-Lauren

Hi
This was actually really good!
I was just browzing around and I found this. It is really good, it really hooked me in.
I really liked how you described being dead, he seemed so real.
I agree with Lauren2010 - if you post more, I will definitely read it.
Well, goodbye for now!

~Rachel

Interesting, I was hooked on till the last word. You managed to keep the story flowing smoothly without using much dialogue. Your words were also very descriptive

I spotted this mistake

I wanted to ask if this was heaven or if – I dared to dream – I was alive.

There shouldn't be a need for the - between the 'if' and 'I'.

That's all for now, Adios!

Hey thanks guys, u really made me feel good

yeah, this was one of the few parts i was fully happy with but im sure u'll see when i post more.

thanks again u rock

x

Okay, I'm just going to say it even though it seems like an extremely vast understatement: I loved it! I think this is the best death sequence I have ever read. Most death scenes do have that light and the angels calling the person's name, just as you mentioned, but I really loved how this was different. You didn't opt to go for cliche and you described the utter blackness so incredibly well, I felt like I was experiencing it myself. My favorite line had to be "How can I see this hell if I have no eyes?" For some reason, that line really struck a chord with me. And your writing had a fantastic flow to it that really made the excerpt more enjoyable!

The only grammar(ish) mistakes I found weren't really mistakes, just me being my knit-picky self (i.e. there could have been a comma placed here, that word could have been italicized, etc.). Basically only the finally tweakings that I like to play around with when editing a story. There was definitely not anything major that distracted me from the story.

Once again, I absolutely loved it and would definitely read the rest of your novel should you decide to post it!

Great start and I would say I loved it, but I think that understatement has already been repeated too many times. The scene of death being nothing, but a black empty crevasse was gripping. Now I am going to be brutally honest here, because your work is so good and I can't say any criticism without sounding, even to myself, mean.
When I read this through it seemed to me generic, this maybe because I wrote a scene like this some time ago, but was never put on this website. When I wrote my piece and read that through I felt that somehow, that there was no edge to it. It was missing a quirkiness, like Terry Pratchett’s death character.
Now I know I was being harsh on myself there and it's going to sound extremely harsh here. I feel that maybe if you were going to expand on the death idea (maybe you don't want, I don't know, but if you do) there needs to be some feature that’s original, like Pratchett’s Death. That’s all I have to say and if there’s any more of this I would love to read.

P.S
I really did love it, my comment may have been harsh, but it was because it seemed to me the only critical feedback I could give.

Thanks guys and don't worry about sounding harsh, i really need critical feedback to make it better

thanks all and anyone else who reads it please feel free to tell me more things i can improve on!

x

I liked it, it was written very well. Like a few posters have said I would like to read more than this little excerpt.The things that through my mind is what was the MC before her death. Does she has she known Alastair for a long time or has she just met him?

For some reason this little piece reminds me of that show Dead Like Me, that is a compliment. I guess maybe they both deal with the MC's death that why it reminds me of that show! . I will say I really really hope this isn't yet another vampire story. I can not tell how much I hate vampires. But if it is vampires please come up with an original twist to them and also don't turn it into another Twilight rehash!

Again I really did like it, keep up the good work!

gee thanks guys, all these compliments, i don't know what to do with myself

I'm not saying anything yet but if there are vamps i promise that if there is something unoriginal about them then i will try to justify it through my own made up idea - that's what fantasy is about after all. Making up your own world

Thanks again, and whoever else reads, don't be afraid to comment. Critism is really helpful so i would very much appreciate it.

x