First Chapter - (temp. title) The Road Ahead

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1
"Farah, no!"

Heat engulfed the shadow of a woman, her blonde curls blending with the dancing flames. A sheet of grey smoke separated mother from daughter, growing denser each second. Farah raced towards the shadow, but was held back by a strong hand despite her struggling, and dragged to safety. The silhouette behind the screen shrieked and slowed, deforming into a pile of ashes. Farah screamed -

"Farah Loughton." She blinked. Ms. Gorges was glaring behind her thick-framed glasses. "Stand up. What is tangent 2pi?" Crap. She had no idea.

"Zero, Farah!" Luckily, Sally was paying attention as usual. "Zero," she replied. Ms. Gorges motioned for her to sit down, though with slight resentment.

"Thanks, Sal," Farah whispered. Her neighbor smiled and shook her head.

"It's nothing, but you should learn to pay attention." At today's rate? Never. "Were you dreaming about your parents again?" She sighed.

"Yeah. It's getting worse - I think of them every day now." Farah's parents had perished in a fire seven years ago. Since then, she had become a long-term guest at Sal’s. Honestly, she could never thank them enough.

“You coming to the game tonight?”

“Sorry, can’t. Got to pick up a gift for a special someone.” Sally’s eyes twinkled.

“Sal! You know I hate it when you get all mysterious. Please?” But Sally shook her head.

“It’s a secret,” she whispered. “But you’ll know tomorrow.”

2
“And it’s the break before the last 30 seconds, North Islanders leading 85-84. Again, thank you for watching this year’s school basketball championship…” The speakers blasted with Emcee Jordan’s voice as the team got together to hear Coach Eunice’s comments on their performance.
“…STOP CELEBRATING Johnson! We haven’t won yet and we can’t lose, it’s the finals and this is the closest we’ve ever got…” Farah twirled her fingers around her hair. Yeah, this is amateur stuff. Easy going, North Islanders. We’ve got this match nailed.

The whistle sounded. “Will the East Mountains catch up, or is the championship North Island’s? It all depends on the next 30 seconds. So let’s begin!”

“Okay, Farah. This is it.”

Farah took her stance, calm amid the wild cheering of both schools. Blurred images of people jumping up and down entered the corners of her vision as she put her eyes on the ball. The bouncing figures soon transfigured to wavering smoke, the ball slowly evolving into a face…no, concentrate! The ball came back, and the thumping reiterated that reality into her mind. An instant later, the ball was flying to her, she took it, dribbled, aimed and shot - the basket was no longer a basket but a window, filled with black smoke, curtains flying and going out in flames. There was sizzling everywhere, a thousand individual flames rising from the elevating slope, a sudden burst of noise, the firemen raised her into the air, people were screaming her name…and everything went black.
3
“Farah! Farah!”

She opened her eyes. It was Coach Eunice, her eyes bulging out of their tiny sockets. At the sight of the conscious Farah, she gave a weak smile.

“You okay there, hun?” Farah nodded. “Must’ve been too nervous with that shot. But you know, we won! By three!” She grinned. “By three! And the team’s off to Emerald’s to celebrate, coming?” Farah shook her head.

“I’m tired, Coach,” she mumbled. “Thanks for the game.” Surprised, Coach Eunice watched Farah as she stumbled home.

“Funny Farah we’ve got today,” she thought.
4
Why?
She didn’t like the idea of revisiting the event at all, not to mention a couple times a day. And during such important moments, too! Perhaps she should see a doctor. But that wouldn’t come cheap, and she didn’t want to bother Sally any longer. A part-time job? That mightn’t work…what if she had a ‘vision’ during job hours and made a mess? What if she ended up owing instead of earning? She plopped herself on a long bench, lost and despaired. It was only nine, yet the streets seemed lonely and abandoned, and the sky unusually dark. Farah lifted her gaze in hope of seeing a shooting star, but couldn’t even spot a star, or even the moon. A thin layer of mist glided down from above, followed by persistent raindrops. “Can’t I even sit out here in peace?” Farah grumbled, dragging her soaked rucksack along the muddy path. She could wash that later, anyhow.

After swamps of rain and mud, Farah finally arrived at her 7-year home. The familiar door sported a ‘welcome-home’ feel as she turned in the keyhole. No one seemed to be in.

“Mr. DeBourgh? Mrs. DeBourgh? Sally?” Still no one. Oh well. She turned on the telly.

“We’re here with an urgent report of a car crash in the Northern Islands, Giorgias Street. Two adults and a teenage girl, their daughter, were killed in a fatal crash with a drunken driver this evening…” What? Farah put her eyes a few centimeters from the screen. That was the DeBourgh’s SUV. And…That was Sally and her parents.

NOTE: Please judge critically - I appreciate all feedback. :) Many thanks for taking the time to read and (if you will) comment!
haha. this isn't funny.
hahahahahahahahaha.
perhaps it is? or is it? or...




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jessicayung wrote:1
"Farah, no!"

Heat engulfed the shadow of a woman, her blonde curls blending with the dancing flames. A sheet of grey smoke separated mother from daughter, growing denser each second. Farah raced towards the shadow, but was held back by a strong hand despite her struggling, and dragged to safety. The silhouette behind the screen shrieked and slowed, deforming into a pile of ashes. Farah screamed - Where are Farah and her mother? Where is her father?

"Farah Loughton." She blinked. Ms. Gorges was glaring behind her thick-framed glasses. "Stand up. What is tangent 2pi?"For the benefit of the reader, you might want to insert something about the flourescent lighting cutting through her grief-fuelled sleep or something. it's a hard-to-follow transition. Crap. She had no idea.

"Zero, Farah!" Luckily, Sally was paying attention as usual. "Zero," she replied. Ms. Gorges motioned for her to sit down, though with slight resentment.

"Thanks, Sal," Farah whispered. Her neighbor smiled and shook her head. We know they're neighbors, but we don't know how close the girls are. Also, if you're going to kill Sally off, it's better if the reader forms a connection.

"It's nothing, but you should learn to pay attention." At today's rate? Never. "Were you dreaming about your parents again?" She sighed.Who sighed?

"Yeah. It's getting worse - I think of them every day now." No kidding. My mom's parents have been dead for twenty years and she thinks of them every day. Of course Farah does.Farah's parents had perished in a fire seven years ago. Since then, she had become a long-term guest at Sal’s. Honestly, she could never thank them enough. Maybe you want to show a scene of Farah at home with Sally's family, a nice quiet dinner, to show rather than tell.

“You coming to the game tonight?” Um, are they having a conversation in the middle of math class? No one seems to care very much.

“Sorry, can’t. Got to pick up a gift for a special someone.” Sally’s eyes twinkled. You're going to kill Sally off soon. Is this necessary?

“Sal! You know I hate it when you get all mysterious. Please?” But Sally shook her head.

“It’s a secret,” she whispered. “But you’ll know tomorrow.”

2
“And it’s the break before the last 30 seconds, North Islanders leading 85-84. Again, thank you for watching this year’s school basketball championship…” The speakers blasted with Emcee Jordan’s voice as the team got together to hear Coach Eunice’s comments on their performance. How are they doing? Sweating? Guzzling water? Are they high-fiving? Is Farah joining in or standing off to the side?
“…STOP CELEBRATING Johnson! Who is Johnson?We haven’t won yet and we can’t lose, it’s the finals and this is the closest we’ve ever got…” Farah twirled her fingers around her hair. Yeah, this is amateur stuff. Easy going, North Islanders. We’ve got this match nailed.

The whistle sounded. “Will the East Mountains catch up, or is the championship North Island’s? It all depends on the next 30 seconds. So let’s begin!”

“Okay, Farah. This is it.” Who is speaking here?

Farah took her stance, calm amid the wild cheering of both schools. Blurred images of people jumping up and down entered the corners of her vision as she put her eyes on the ball. The bouncing figures soon transfigured to wavering smoke, the ball slowly evolving into a face…no, concentrate! The ball came back, and the thumping reiterated that reality into her mind. An instant later, the ball was flying to her, she took it, dribbled, aimed and shot - the basket was no longer a basket but a window, filled with black smoke, curtains flying and going out in flames. There was sizzling everywhere, a thousand individual flames rising from the elevating slope, a sudden burst of noise, the firemen raised her into the air, people were screaming her name…and everything went black.
3
“Farah! Farah!”

She opened her eyes. It was Coach Eunice, her eyes bulging out of their tiny sockets. At the sight of the conscious Farah, she gave a weak smile.

“You okay there, hun?” Farah nodded. “Must’ve been too nervous with that shot. But you know, we won! By three!” She grinned. “By three! And the team’s off to Emerald’s to celebrate, coming?” Farah shook her head.

“I’m tired, Coach,” she mumbled. “Thanks for the game.” Surprised, Coach Eunice watched Farah as she stumbled home. Stumbled off the court. Surely Eunice couldn't see all the way there?

“Funny Farah we’ve got today,” she thought. Huh?
4
Why? Why what?
She didn’t like the idea of revisiting the event at all, not to mention a couple times a day. And during such important moments, too! Perhaps she should see a doctor. But that wouldn’t come cheap, and she didn’t want to bother Sally any longer. A part-time job? That mightn’t work…what if she had a ‘vision’ during job hours and made a mess? What if she ended up owing instead of earning? She plopped herself on a long bench, lost and despaired. It was only nine, yet the streets seemed lonely and abandoned, and the sky unusually dark. Farah lifted her gaze in hope of seeing a shooting star, but couldn’t even spot a star, or even the moon. A thin layer of mist glided down from above, followed by persistent raindrops. “Can’t I even sit out here in peace?” Farah grumbled, dragging her soaked rucksack along the muddy path. She could wash that later, anyhow.

After swamps of rain and mud, Farah finally arrived at her 7-year home. The familiar door sported a ‘welcome-home’ feel as she turned in the keyhole. No one seemed to be in.

“Mr. DeBourgh? Mrs. DeBourgh? Sally?” Still no one. Oh well. She turned on the telly.

“We’re here with an urgent report of a car crash in the Northern Islands, Giorgias Street. Two adults and a teenage girl, their daughter, were killed in a fatal crash with a drunken driver this evening…” What? Farah put her eyes a few centimeters from the screen. That was the DeBourgh’s SUV. And…That was Sally and her parents.Okay, well, we never met the DeBourgh's, and Sally was sort of a flat character, so it's hard for the reader to really feel anything.


So this isn't bad. Is someone hunting down the people with whom Farah is living? Because if they just happen to die off, then I'm sorry but that's too much coincidence and you might as well just have her parents die at her current age and leave out the DeBourghs. I'd like to see more emotion and more personality from Farah, and more life in the minor characters. Eunice is a real person, too! I'm definitely interested in where you go with this. PM me with any questions.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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Hey =]

So, I liked this as a start to a story, but I definitely agree with everything that the above reviewer has mentioned. At the moment, the reader doesn't really care that Sally died, because they knew nothing about her, only that she's Farah's friend and your MC lives with her and her family.

"It's nothing, but you should learn to pay attention." At today's rate? Never. "Were you dreaming about your parents again?" She sighed.

Also, you tend to leave directions out of place. For example, at the end of the quoted sentences above, you say that someone sighs, but it's unsure whether it's Sally or Farah doing the sighing.

No one seemed to be in.

How does she know that no-one's in? Is it dark inside? Unusually silent? A little more description helps to set the scene =]

“Mr. DeBourgh? Mrs. DeBourgh? Sally?” Still no one. Oh well. She turned on the telly.

"Mr. DeBourgh? Mrs. DeBourgh? Sally?" Farah frowned to herself when no-one replied. Leaving her sopping wet bag next to the front door, she walked to the living room. Shivering from her wet clothes, she took a seat on the sofa and turned on the TV.
-It's only a quick example on how you can add in some more description =]

I'd also like to see more of Farah's emotion, and you describing more facial expressions and descriptions as to how your characters are speaking. This will help to make your characters seem more realistic and human.

I hope this review has helped you and, as always, my suggestions are just that. I'll be keeping an eye out for your next post =]

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

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Thank you carelessaussie13 and xDudettex! I'll improve on it and post the second draft soon. :)
haha. this isn't funny.
hahahahahahahahaha.
perhaps it is? or is it? or...




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I think it's great so far, but it would be helpful if there was more description.

"Farah Loughton." She blinked. Ms. Gorges was glaring behind her thick-framed glasses. "Stand up. What is tangent 2pi?" Crap. She had no idea.

This says nothing about her surroundings at all. You have to guess that she's at school (I might feel this more because I'm home-educated).
Perhaps something like:
"Farah Loughton." she blinked. Suddenly she was back at school, and Ms. Gorges was glaring behind her thick-framed glasses. "Stand up. What is tangent 2pi?" Crap. She had no idea, and now the whole class was looking at her.
That tells you the setting, so you have a better idea of whats going on.
“Farah! Farah!”



She opened her eyes. It was Coach Eunice, her eyes bulging out of their tiny sockets. At the sight of the conscious Farah, she gave a weak smile.

Huh? Where are they? Are they still at the court? Where is everyone else? How long has she been unconscious?
After swamps of rain and mud, Farah finally arrived at her 7-year home. The familiar door sported a ‘welcome-home’ feel as she turned in the keyhole. No one seemed to be in

Turned what in the key hole?

Just a few things, because the other have pointed a lot out, but it has the makings to be great - write more! :D
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