Diary Entry 1 *rough draft*

I am but the remaining pulp of a beaten, abused, abandoned, starving girl.

This house is dark and it smells of dust and dogs. The amber, square inch tiles are cold on my legs. I’m sitting on the floor, near a hard wood staircase with a rickety old banister that leads up to my bedroom. The happy purple bedroom. Mommy and I painted it. We swirled clouds onto its ceiling, and used sponges to add dark pink angels around the top of its walls. I helped mommy paint its purple and pink dresser and vanity to match.

I don’t deserve any of those nice things, I’m such a bad little girl, I remind myself. So I sit, in late December, on the cold foyer floor while the draft coming from underneath the front door gives me goose flesh.

The Christmas tree is still up, and all the ornaments are still hanging. The presents are opened, but no one is playing with all the new toys. Where is my younger brother? The thought flickers through my numb mind. He’s probably somewhere mourning quietly by himself. Our father is in the living room sitting on the old sectional corner sofa. In the dark. He’s staring at the TV, even though its screen is blank, tears stream gently down his face. Our old, friendly dachshund is resting her head on his lap.

There’s a ripping pain through my chest. The pain has long fingers that reach for my heart and it leaves me winded so that I can’t even cry. I don’t want it to, but my mind is wandering to yesterday morning.


‘Mommy, please stay here with us, we’ll have a party for you!’ I’m begging

‘Dakota! Quit pouting, you’ll upset your brother. It’s only a week. I deserve a
week away with friends for the New Year.’ The lie is in her eyes, and I can tell
by their fights this week that she’s not really coming back.

‘Look at him, Mommy! He’s already upset, and it’s not me. I’m not upsetting him,
you are. We don’t want you to leave.’ I’m pleading, but she doesn’t look at
him before she turns her back and walks away from us.


I bury my face in the golden rod sleeping bag that’s wrapped in my arms. It smells like basements, and without thinking I release a violent, shaking, bright red scream. It’s the only noise in this house, and the echo it leaves behind sounds lonely. A matted white poodle sprints to my lap, pushing and burrowing into the sleeping bag looking for my hands. While I’m reaching for him, I hear my brother’s footsteps in the stairwell. Finally, the tears begin to flow, burning my large brown eyes and warming my young red cheeks. As the tears fall, my body shudders with my sobbing, and my hands grope for the comfort of the white puppy in my lap. My brother is turning the door knob so that he can join me in the foyer while my father approaches, leaving his perch on the couch to sit next to me on the floor. The man picks me up and pulls me into his lap, embracing me with his arms and with his comfort.

“Come here,” He whispers with tears in his eyes. He reaches an arm out for my brother, inviting him to join us. “It’s going to be okay.”

The small warm body joins me between my father’s knees. His eyes are red like mine, and his checks are stained with tears. The blond hair on his head is untamed, and the cloths he’s wearing are too small and wrinkled. We curl together and cry for our loss, rejection, abandonment, and neglect as our family of four unites to become a broken family of three.

RedSmiles wrote:I am but the remaining pulp of a beaten, abused, abandoned, starving little girl.

This house is dark and it smells of dust and dogs. The dark Maybe 'dirty'. Dark was used in the last sentence. yellow, square inch tiles are cold on my legs. I’m sitting on the floor near a hard wood staircase, and its rickety old banister, I'd change to 'Hard wood staircase with a rickety old banister' that leads up to my bedroom. The happy purple bedroom. Mommy and I painted it, End sentence here, and begin the next with 'We' swirled Not a big deal, but maybe change this word to something stronger clouds onto its ceiling, and used sponges to add dark pink angels around the top of its walls. I helped mommy paint it’s pretty purple and pink dresser and vanity to match Rearrange. 'I helped mommy paint the dresser and vanity a pretty purple and pink to match'. I don’t deserve any of it. So I sit, in late December, on the cold foyer floor while the draft coming from underneath the front door gives me goose flesh. 'Maybe goosebumps? Goose flesh works fine, though.
The Christmas tree is still up, and all the ornaments are still hanging I'd change to 'ornaments and all' or something to that effect, or change to avoid repetition on 'still'. The presents are opened, but no one is playing with all the new toys. Where is my younger brother? The thought is fleeting from my mind Awkward phrasing., Put a period. These can be two separate sentences he’s probably somewhere mourning quietly to himself. Our father is sitting on the old sectional corner sofa. In the dark. I know this is a sentence by itself for emphasis, but maybe adding it to the previous sentence and saying 'alone in the dark'. He’s staring at the TV though 'even though' it’s screen is blank, and our old, friends Change. Omit comma, unless 'friends' should be 'friendly' dachshund is resting her head on his lap. Tears quietly stream down his face. If this is going to be a sentence by itself, change to, 'Tears stream quietly down his face', or even 'are streaming'
There’s a ripping pain through my chest to the core of my soul. 'The pain ripping through my chest reaches the core of my soul' sounds better. Awkwardly phrased as-is The air is sucked from my lungs so I can’t even cry Give an emotional reaction. Does her inability to cry make her angry? . I burry one 'r' ;] my face in the golden rod sleeping bag that’s wrapped in my arms, End sentence here, start anew. it smells like basements, and without thinking I release a violent scream, End sentence, then add 'A' to beginning of next shaking, bright red scream. It’s the only noise in this house, comma! and the echo it leaves behind is eerie. A matted white poodle sprints to my lap, comma! pushing and burrowing at the sleeping bag as he seeks my hands. Awkwardly phrased. 'Pushing away the sleeping bag as he seeks my hands' or something to that effect. While I’m reaching for him, comma! I hear my brother’s foot falls in the stairwell. Footsteps works much better Finally, comma! the tears erupt, burning my large brown eyes 'Making my large brown eyes burn' and warming my young red cheeks. As the tears fall, comma! my body shutters with the force of my sobbing, comma! and my hands grope for the comfort of the white puppy in my lap. My brother is turning the door knob so that he may enter the foyer while my father approaches, leaving his perch maybe change to 'position' or 'seat' on the couch to sit next to me on the floor. The man You've already introduced the father. 'He' would work fine. picks me up and pulls me into his lap. Embraces me.
“Come here.comma instead” He whispers with eliminate & replace with comma? tears in his eyes, as he reaches an arm out for my brother, inviting him to join us. “It’s going to be okay. comma instead” He murmurs as the small warm body joins me between my father’s knees. We cry together for our loss, rejection, abandonment and neglect as our family of four unites to become a broken family of three.

Characters
I feel like the characters could have used more response. A more 'active' role in the whole piece. Show more sensations and emotion, other than just crying. You have it at some points, but for instance, when her father embraces her, how does it make her feel? Does his attempt at comforting her work? Give a little more of the characters own voice.

Setting
Semi-clear. I know she's in a foyer, but what about her dad? He's on a couch, but you should say 'in the other room' so we don't think it's in the middle of the foyer. Generally, there isn't a couch and TV in the foyer- that would be the living room. Just clarify the setting a little bit, and maybe add some sensory description.

Overall
I think this was really powerful. I could feel the loss, but even with that I couldn't completely lose myself in the story. What's really lacking is sensory detail and some sort of response elicited from actions and surroundings. Other than that, I liked the way you could feel the emotional tension in the room.

Wow! thank you for all of your input. I appreciate your criticism.

" 'The man' You've already introduced the father. 'He' would work fine." In your opinion, might it be confusing who is picking her up since the brother and father are approaching her simultaneously?

I knew the punctuation was rough in this draft and you pointing out the need for the changes will help me when I get to that point.

I love some of your sentence structure suggestion, I toyed with a few of those ideas when writing.

THANK YOU!

RedSmiles wrote:I am but the remaining pulp of a beaten, abused, abandoned, starving little girl. Nice beginning.

This house is dark and it smells of dust and dogs. The dark yellow, square inch tiles are cold on my legs. I’m sitting on the floor near a hard comma wood staircase, and its rickety old banister, No comma needed. that leads up to my bedroom. The happy purple bedroom. Mommy and I painted it, swirled clouds onto its ceiling, and used sponges to add dark pink angels around the top of its walls. I helped mommy paint it’s pretty purple and pink dresser and vanity to match. I don’t deserve any of it. So I sit, in late December, on the cold foyer floor while the draft from under the front door gives me goose flesh.
The Christmas tree is still up, and all the ornaments are still hanging. The presents are opened, but no one is playing with all the new toys. Where is my younger brother? The thought is fleeting from my mind, he’s probably somewhere mourning quietly to himself. This sentence seems unbalanced. You don't mourn 'to' yourself. You just mourn. 'He's probably off on his own, mourning quietly somewhere.' or something along those lines. Our father is sitting on the old sectional corner sofa. In the dark. He’s staring at the TV comma though it’s screen is blank, and our old, friends dachshund 'old friend's dachshund' is the entire correction - I can't describe it properly. is resting her head on his lap. Tears quietly stream down his face. You've already used 'quietly' as a description, maybe you could try something else?
There’s a ripping pain through my chest to the core of my soul. The air is sucked from my lungs so I can’t even cry. I burry The spelling is 'bury' my face in the golden rod sleeping bag that’s wrapped in my arms, Divide his into two sentences. 'wrapped in my arms. It smells...' it smells like basements, and without thinking I release a violent scream Did you mean to have this 'scream' here? The sentence doesn't really make any sense with it. , shaking, bright red scream. It’s the only noise in this house and the echo it leaves behind is eerie. A matted white poodle sprints to my lap pushing and burrowing at the sleeping bag as he seeks my hands. While I’m reaching for him I hear my brother’s foot falls in the stairwell. Finally the tears erupt, burning my large brown eyes and warming my young red cheeks. As the tears fall my body shutters Do you mean shudders? with my sobbing and my hands grope for the comfort of the white puppy in my lap. My brother is turning the door knob so that he may enter the foyer while my father approaches, leaving his perch on the couch to sit next to me on the floor. The man picks me up and pulls me into his lap. Embraces me.
“Come here.” He whispers with tears in his eyes, as he reaches an arm out for my brother, inviting him to join us. “It’s going to be okay.” He murmurs as the small warm body joins me between my father’s knees. We cry together for our loss, rejection, abandonment and neglect as our family of four unites to become a broken family of three.

So sad!!! I really like this piece even though it had so little within it. I liked the way you left everything unsure and, even at the end, you leave the readers to make what they can out of it. I can feel her pain and her sadness and the whole thing is really emotionally touching. I love this very much.

~Ash~

I made some of the changes suggested and corrected a lot of punctuation. I already see more areas that need some adjusting, though. What does everyone think? I feel like the amendments helped!

The amendments are already done so I can't really comment on the improvements its made other than looking at what has been suggested. The suggestions I've briefly scanned look excellent and I'm pleased that you've taken them on board

The piece flows well and I love its eerie nature. The speech, although brief, is very emotive and is just enough to convey the feeling appropriately. It's very well done. Is this a piece you are thinking of expanding? I would hope so

This was intereting, I'm not gunna bore you with a full analysis, it seems you other critics have extacted about as much nitpicks and errors as is possible. I am however, going to advise you to avoid one line, or two words rather.

tears erupted

This is a little tired and cliche. It seems everything erupts. "A torrent of hate erupted from my lips," "A loud howl erupted," "Tears erupted." Its a poor unoriginal way to paint the image and isn't exactly clear, you may aswell say "I suddenly started to cry." I understand you want it emotive and sharp. But a volcano erupts, tears: pour, stream, flood, burn, overwhelm, wash, drip, sting, slip, spill, fill, blur, hurt, roll down cheeks, come on like a fever. You see?

Another way you could pull in the reader a little more is to use simple language. The narrator is a little girl and would hardly use complex metaphors and flashy adverbs (not saying you over use these things!) but if you really want to sell the character make her more real, make her naration and dialogue (both internal and external) real and true to the nature of a little girl.

Other than that, well done!

-Oh, one more thing. Make it clear it is the father and not the daschund who is crying, this fell a little awkwardly and I had to reread it and figure out that it was the father and not the dog.

Oh, I do see what you mean! Both about the 'erupting' and the 'weeping dog'. I made some adjustments to the language as well. I completely agree with you about using younger language. Thanks a ton!

This story is nicely written, good job. I liked the imagery you created when describing the setting, it makes sense that an old house would have a wooden staircase and smell of dogs, dust and basements. It kind of reminds me of one of the settings in "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer", where Finn and Sawyer were hiding from the thieves in an ancient house with every wooden piece - the staircase, the floor, the walls - falling apart. I also like the new additions you’ve made, they clarify the piece.

I had a question about the characters. In the beginning of your story, you said that the little girl didn't deserve her room being painted with such lovely colors. Did you mean that this girl by nature didn't deserve to be abandoned by her mother at this young age? Or, rather, she didn’t deserve her room being painted with the lovely colors? This is a little confusing. =)

Hmmm, I was trying to portray that she didn't feel as if she deserved nice things. Abandonment leaves young ones with a lower sense of self worth. I'll try to find a different way to word that so it's more clear to the reader. Thank you!

I am writing other short stories about the same character, hopefully one day they'll all connect to be a novel. I'd really love to have your opinions on the new one I just posted as well!

I am but the remaining pulp of a beaten, abused, abandoned, starving girl.

Forgive me for being harsh, but I don't like it. Your first sentence sounds like the start of a lousy, stereotypical "emo" poem or story. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Show, don't tell," in reference to writing? Instead of just saying, "She's a beaten, abused girl," show the reader this. Describe her bruises if she's beaten, her emaciation if she's starving. Describe the fear left over from her abuse, the distrust and loneliness of abandonment. Doing this will make the reader sympathize and care for your character, instead of just pass this over for something we've already seen.

He’s staring at the TV, even though its screen is blank, tears stream gently down his face.

It should either be, "tears streaming gently down his face," or "as tears stream gently down his face." Either way makes it grammatically correct.

‘Mommy, please stay here with us, we’ll have a party for you!’ I’m begging

There's a period missing on the end of this sentence. Also, shouldn't these be quotation marks? I get that you want to make it clear that it's a memory/flashback, but the indentation works nicely on its own.

I bury my face in the golden rod sleeping bag that’s wrapped in my arms.

goldenrod=one word. Two words makes it a rod that's golden.

I love the description where you say it smells like basements. That's so unusual and fresh.

A matted white poodle sprints to my lap, pushing and burrowing into the sleeping bag looking for my hands.

Please explain this poodle! If it's the family dog, make it, "Fido (or whatever) the matted white poodle." Otherwise it sounds a bit random.

the cloths he’s wearing

Clothes. Cloths=more than one cloth, clothes=clothing.

Something I really like is your use of color for description. It's obviously something that matters a lot to the narrator character. That's really cool, and it makes this unique. If you want to play it up even more, start doing this at the very first sentence-- it will add even more power to your story.

Thank you for posting this! I'm excited to read and review the other sections you've posted. Let me know if you've got any questions about what I wrote here. I'm honestly not trying to be mean, I think you're a great writer and I'm just trying to help.

--Jenna

Hi Jennafina!

If I was afraid of negative feedback I shouldn't post my stories to be reviewed. You're not mean, you're honest about how you feel, and I appreciate that. Thank you!

RedSmiles

OK, I will do a quick content review.

The length of this chapter was quite short, but it seemed once again filled with the emotion to become something much longer. The plot was expressed a little bit in this short chapter which I really liked. Just the small fact that her mother leaves gives us something to hold onto so I give you props on the plot front.

Ah, and now we have the section I've been waiting for about the emotions and descriptions. Firstly I enjoyed the slight insight into the house. Using this description of the house allowed you to fuel more into the emotional fire by talking about her mother. The locations and descriptions that you used for the characters add more to the sadness and sorrow that the reader has.

Overall I think that you did a wonderful job of expressing the mood of your characters, introducing them, and adding plot to the story

Thank you for the review!

I was wondering though, I posted part three of this series two days ago and it hasn't been reviewed at all, yet. Could somebody please look it over, when you have the time? It's just 'My Bright Red Scream 3' and it's also in 'Other Fiction'

I would so much appreciate it!

Thanks,
RedSmiles

Hey Redsmiles,
I love your writing it is awesome! I love it and I hope to see alot more of your writing it is so pretty and easy to read! I can't wait until your next post! Hope to see you in the chat room really soon! did I mention your a awesome writer? your fellow writer for Jesus...



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