A Dark Hero: Blurb and Prologue

Ok this is my idea for what I will write when I finish off the last two or three chapters of Dragon Market. All comments welcome.


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Blurb
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Marika wakes up after an unknown event with intense amnesia. His only possession is a strange crystal on a Black Adamantine chain. Quickly befriended by the revered Dragon Council, he is thrown into a world of darkness and war. Slowly he attempts to piece his identity back together, and discover his family’s heritage. Something however seems devoted to stopping him.

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Prologue
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Semiko gazed upon the beautiful, ice blue crystal that served as the young dragon’s prison. Everything else around her and it was an endless black void.

“Ancestors, give me strength,” She whispered.

“You will be this dragon’s gift and his curse. You must steer him away from his desire, and keep him from learning the truth. Protect him from himself, and from the evil that seeks him. Fear not; you have our blessing,” a heavenly voice replied; it seemed to come from both nowhere and everywhere, it also seemed to be echoing of her and the crystal.

“And if I fail?” She asked the voice.

“Then…we would need…a hero,” The voice answered.

“Forgive me, your greatness, but I do not understand,” She said.

“The time will come…the time…will come” The voice replied before fading to nothing. Semiko clenched the crystal of her necklace in her front right paw. Slowly she pulled her paw away, keeping it curled, tightly in a fist. With it came an exact duplicate of the necklace. With a single, powerful beat of her wings she was propelled to the crystal prison. She pressed the duplicate against the crystal, and watched as it was sucked from her hand.

“Forever we will remain linked. Everything you do; I see everything you think; I hear. Everything you see; I see,” Semiko whispered. “Forever…a long time,”

The crystal began to emit a low, humming sound.

“I pray I can stop you. I pray…one day…we can meet as friends and not enemies…” Semiko said, before retreating into the darkness.

I think your idea is really good and well worth writing!

Your prologue is a really nice start and i like how you described things, you really have an imaginative way of making the reader feel as if they are touching or looking at the crystal. Also, from the first paragraph you let us know who they are, where they are and whats going on aka the crystal and the prison.

Now some comments on certain lines:

a heavenly voice replied, it seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere echoing of everything.
I think it should either be fullstop after replied and a new sentence or you could write, 'a heavenly voice replied, seeming to come...'
Also the last part is a bit confusing. Maybe you could rephrase it?

“Then…we would need…a hero,” The voice said.
You have a few 'saids' and i have learnt from others that when you can it is always best to change them for instance you could write 'the voice whispered'.

Semiko clenched the crystal of her necklace in her front right paw. Slowly she pulled her paw away, keeping it clenching in a fist.
I'm afraid i'm being nit picky but maybe change the second 'clenched' for something else like 'keeping it curled in a fist'.

With a single, powerful beat of her wings she was propelled to the crystal prison.
I like this sentence. It's as powerful as the beat of her wings you want to describe

She pressed the duplicate against the crystal. It was sucked from her hand.
There is nothing wrong with the sentences themselves but i think they would flow better if you joined them into one. Eg 'She pressed the duplicate against the crystal and watched in awe as it was sucked from her hand'. Just as idea.

Overall i think you have a good idea on your hands and with a couple things twinged your prologue will make your story unputdownable. I dont think thats even a word oh well

keep writing

x

Stealth_Slicer wrote:
Heya, I'm Ash, I'll be your critiquer today! My corrections are in red and, where it's possible, I'll underline the bit of your writing that I'm marking. 'Kay? It better be.

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Blurb
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Marika wakes up after an unknown event with intense amnesia. His only possession is a strange crystal on a Black Adamantine chain. Quickly befriended by the revered Dragon Council, he is thrown into a world of darkness and war. Slowly he attempts to piece his identity back together, and discover his family’s heritage. Something however seems devoted to stopping him. Sounds cool! I'm up for it!

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Prologue
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Semiko gazed upon the beautiful, opaque, ice blue crystal Wow, way too many adjectives! Cut it down to something much cleaner than this. 'beatiful, ice-blue crystal' there you go, done it for you. that served as the young dragon’s prison. Everything else was an endless black void. Hang on a sec, I'm confused. A dragon is in this stone? And what 'else' was black? The whole landscape surrounding Semiko and her stone, or... I don't know, I don't understand. I think you could make this slightly clearer for the reader.

“Ancestors comma give me strength,” She whispered.

“You will be this dragon’s gift and his curse. You must steer him away from his desire, and keep him from learning the truth. Protect him from himself, and from the evil that seeks him. Fear not semicolon you have our blessing,” a heavenly voice replied, it seemed to come from add 'both' here. nowhere and everywhere echoing of everything. Huh?

“And if I fail?” She asked the voice.

“Then…we would need…a hero,” The voice said.

“Forgive me your greatness but I do not understand,” She said.

“The time will come… the time… will come” The voice replied before fading to nothing. Semiko clenched the crystal of her necklace in her front right paw. Slowly she pulled her paw away, keeping it clenching 'clenched' in a fist. With it came an exact duplicate of the necklace. With You've started with 'With' before and it's repetitive. a single, powerful beat of her wings she was propelled to the crystal prison. She pressed the duplicate against the crystal. It was sucked from her hand.

“Forever we will remain linked. Everything you do semicolon I see Make this one sentence. everything you think semicolon I hear. Everything you see semicolon I see” Semiko whispered. “Forever… a long time”

The crystal began to emit a low, humming sound.

“I pray I can stop you. I pray… one day… we can meet as friends and not enemies…” Semiko said, before retreating into the darkness.

Right, I didn't get this at all. With a piece as short as this I could nitpick and pull things out of it that I could never do with a longer work. However, this didn't go for me, it didn't even make sense, but I guess that might just be my sluggish brain not processing fast enough. I don't know though, the blurb sounds interesting; a story that I would buy at a shop, but I'm sorry to say that your execution didn't work.

~Ash~

Ok I have gone through and edited out what has been pointed out. Unfortunately my internet is down so I properly won’t be able to upload anything, for at least a week (That includes this and all my other works)

All the best.

I thought it was very well written- just caught one line I didn't see mentioned above.

“Forgive me your greatness but I do not understand,” She said.

There's no pauses in here, like there would be if someone was speaking. Maybe add some commas like

“Forgive me, your greatness, but I do not understand,” she said.