Distant Voice of Saron Rinii

~
"Distant Voice of Saron Rinii"
~

They move to disturb me --
The Unreachables of form.
In this darkness I cannot see,
My sanity I shall mourn.
~
Why so Wicked?
Why so Calm?
In this Dead,
I haven't a qualm...
~
Touch the face of monstrosity,
Beneath the veil hides glory.
And if not for you, for pity
That shall be upon your dowry.
~
I need a becon of Souls,
Of Light and Hope -- I beg.
In the night I cannot wake -- Ghouls
Feverishly shivering in enigmae-gae!
~
In this I hoped for Awakening
To the power that was Unreachable.
All vials of Vidrio in Domino-sing --
For they once contained everlasting Fable.
~
The clock can no longer turn,
Imagine the time it has been -- The place!
So many lives turned time -- Then burn
For the secrets that the heart simply waste.

Hey Jon! I'll be your revewier for today!

I didn't see anything wrong with this poem, and truly, that made me mad! Anyways, great job. I really liked this. I could feel the emotion in your words and it really struck me. I turned off my music just so I could read it in pure quietness, it was really great. Especially when the full moon is shining out my window. anyways, this was really awesome! Great job!

My dear Jon, you seem to have fallen prey to a trap that has caught so many wonderful writers: RHYME. It's addictive. Once you even begin to think about writing that delicious poem in rhyme scheme, you erase thousands of possible way to express yourself. The trap will make you chose rhyming words over words that better serve your meaning. So unless you really feel that you've said what you want to say using this rhyme scheme, I suggest that you go back and rewrite without the rhyme. Just get the words on paper and see what happens. You never know, right?

Hi Jon!

Okay, straight to business.

I liked it. You have some good ideas, and the flow isn't bad at all.

Some of your rhyming seemed a little forced. If you forget the rhyming bit altogether, it might work a lot better.

You have a lot of random words capitalised, which seems to take from it a bit. And the dashes break it up quite a lot, which doesn't work so well as it might.

The words themselves are really effective, it's just the presentation and the rhyming that could be better.

But I loved this, especially the ending is fantastic.

Hope that helped
~Grin

Jon--

The main problem I am having with this poem is trying to fit my head around why you chose the wording you're working with here. I don't see the benefit in keeping standard English language with staggered organization, if that makes sense?

See, what you're starting with here has potential, dear. I think what you need to do is find your poetic voice again; you once discovered it, but for some reason, you don't use it so much anymore? I think! this means you don't write enough, and legasp, youuu have to fix that.


I won't do a line-by-line, because I'd be horribly merciless and might just sound terribly mean, but I'll tell you what you need to do:

Personification - Add it. Give these things you're using here life, because I feel like there's some greater power calling, but it seems dead-- and the capitalizing of some things just doesn't help.

Imagery - Find it, and use it. You're a rough key in this one, Jonnie boy, and you need to smooth that out. You have words and narratives, and you need to make them smoother than air and make your audience beg for your autographs. Make an impression on them that we'll remember forever.

June

This poem was not told conventionally like it generally is ,i.e. story form,which by the way,is perfectly is fine.

I think the broken description is because of the tremendous fear in the speaker's mind and heart.The poem has very eerie feeling to it and that is because of how well you wrote it.

Well done