Why the French? It would make just as much sense in English, and more people would understand it. Although, once you take out the French parts, you're not saying much. So take a step back. What are you trying to say here? What imagery can you use to convey that emotion, theme, idea, whatever? Then go back, rewrite, and PM me because I'd love to read it. Good luck!
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
Well, I know no French, but I think it works, to some degree. It gives a little bit of character, but it shouldn't be used as frequently as it is. Like, here it would be okay if those are the drivelling words.
TheUnknownPoet wrote:Those drivelling words qui coule de tes levres Were no longer insufferable
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
Hi, I think that the french is unnecessary. There is nothing obvious in the poem which makes its use meaningful or relevant except for the romantic element, which may be more powerful in french. But if so i think you should write the whole poem in the language because the conflict between two languages is confusing.
I'm sorry, but missing the french in with the English was kind of unnecessary. You should wait until you know that whole poem in french and write it like that. But the mix makes it kind of confusing and hard to follow!
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss
Shoot me, I like the french, it gives it character. "Were no longer insufferable or evoking sickness in me" --too long "But then, still whilst walking along" --'whilst' is unnecessary and makes it sound painful
