The Last Storm (1)

Woah, okay, first attempt at writing in present tense. The entire story will not be like this, but can you guys help me out! I'm struggling. There's no way to write this without it in present tense. Thanks!


The Last Storm


Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch. I walk over to my door and open it. Two tall men stand before me, wearing black suits with classy shoes. I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

“Mrs. Peirce?” The two men walk into my house without and invite. I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch, trying not to care that they are staring at my pictures and books spread across the small home I’m forced to live in.

“We called earlier.” The young man with dark brown hair says as if I am too dumb to know who he is.

“Yes,” I say in my cold, raspy voice, “I know.” I pick up the shoes and begin to sew a small teddy bear on to each one.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

“Mr. Colton, that is your name, yes?” The darker man nods, probably a bit stunned. He didn’t expect me to remember his name. “I am not stupid. I may look old, and I may not have much energy left, but I have been through worse things than you can ever imagine. Now, do you want your story or not?”

“Yes, I do.” His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light blue couch next to him. They pull out note pads and prepare to write.

I cough, clearing my throat, and begin my story.

Hello Classy. First thing first congratulations on trying present tense, but I have to tell you you have to add a bit more description. Example:

captain.classy wrote:I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch. I walk over to my door and open it.

The knock, knock, knock caught my attention but the first paragraph it was a little...boring. (I never thought I would say that to you, I feel a bit evil) All it needs is a little spark. Also, I think it would make more sense if you put the baby shoes down before standing up. And- just a question- isn't baby shoes supposed to be knitted? I don't know anything about that stuff so forgive me if I'm wrong.
Overall I'm really interested what's coming up next! This is supposed to be an action/adventure genre so I'm waiting to see!

Hello, JP here, hope this helps!

captain.classy wrote:Woah, okay, first attempt at writing in present tense. The entire story will not be like this, but can you guys help me out! I'm struggling. There's no way to write this without it in present tense. Thanks!


The Last Storm


Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing (knitting?) on my couch. I walk over to the door and open it. Two tall men stand before me, wearing black suits with classy shoes. I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

is this last line needed? It gives us some bearing on the narrators age but is a little distracting.

“Mrs. Peirce?” The two men walk into my house without an invite (or 'without invitation'). I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch, trying not to care that they are staring at my pictures and books spread across the small home I’m forced to live in.

Is the MC really that indifferant to a couple of strangers looking at her private possesions? are her cheeks no growing warm, does she not fidget nervously with irritation? does she not calmly sit down and mask her her anoyance with a long sip from her tea?

“Yes,” I say in my cold (would she refer to her voice as cold and raspy? perhaps say "Yes," I respond with a deliberate scowl' or something of the like), raspy voice, “I know.” I pick up the shoes and begin to stich a small teddy bear on to each one.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

Good paragraph. I just took out some tautology and tidied it up a little.

“Mr. Colton, that is your name, yes?” The darker man nods, probably a bit stunned. He didn’t expect me to remember his name. “I am not stupid. I may look old, and I may not have much energy left, but I have been through worse things than you can ever imagine. Now, do you want your story or not?”

“Yes, I do.” His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light(find a better word) blue couch next to him. They pull out note pads and prepare to write.

I cough, clearing my throat, and begin my story.

You have done well with the tense, if there is any relapses to past tense I missed them. Well done concise and interesting.

Best,

Hey Cap'n!

Well, I'm not going into the grammatical things.
I just wanted to point out that if the MC had a little more description- the way she felt about those two men, the way she responds to them entering- would be better. Without that, it seems slightly not personal. Hope you get what I mean.

~Lava

Nick- You're not evil, You are right! Thanks! They are knitted. lol, silly Classy. I do agree with you, the first paragraph is a little bit boring. Maybe I'll move some stuff at the end up to the top.

joshuapaul- you are very right. I do need more description in here. But, she really is not afraid of those two men. Maybe I need to explain that further. And yes! They are kitted, oops! Thanks for the review. I thought reading over this five times would help the mistakes. Obviously not!

Lava- I suppose it isn't very personal, not to give anything away, but she doesn't like to open up to people or show them her emotions. You'll learn more about it in the second chapter.

Thanks you guys! Your really helped. Next chapter will be up soon!

Hi Classy,

As a frame, I rather like this. I'm pleased that the narrator is a grumpy elderly woman, subverting the unfortunate tendency for female characters to be (a) weak and (b) young and beautiful.

The writing needs a bit of a polish - you have a lot of misspellings, incorrect dialogue punctuation, etc. In addition, I thought that the language was quite simplistic at times. The sentence structure is simple and the vocabulary seems more appropriate to a child. Description is limited to short, simple adjective-noun phrases, like "cold, raspy voice" and "dark skin". There's no imagery, no metaphors, no simile. No themes. No parallels. No complexity.

You also missed some great opportunities to build character. For example, one of the quickest ways to illustrate a character is to describe their house. But all we learn about the narrator's house is that it's "small" and she has "pictures and books". You can pack a lot of information into a short space here. Where has she chosen to live, and why? If she's "forced" to live here, why does she have to be "forced", and what has she done to cover up the things she doesn't like? What kind of "books" does she have - are we talking novels, classics, romances, are they new and unread or battered and well-loved? Is the place clean, or does she let it get dusty and crowded? What elements of the narrator's character can you bring out here?

Overall, I think this is a good start which needs a little polish and a lot more complexity and characterisation.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten

Hmm, this is probably the first time I'm reviewing a present tense story. I think I'll give a shot at it.

Mistakes

Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, stand up and place the pair of baby shoes I’m sewing on my couch.

The sentence seems monotonous to me. Mainly because you seem to trying to indicate too many things in a single sentence. Although you are writing in present tense, its not a rule to completely cut off every single description you can give. It's about making the reader feel that he/she is moving along with the action of the characters.

And also, connect the present continuous to the sentences also, to make it seem a little more realistic. In that case, you can change this to,

"Knock, knock, knock. I shake my head, muttering under my breath. After standing up and placing the pair of baby shoes I'm knitting on my couch, I walk over to the door and open it."

It's your choice. What do you think?

The two men walk into my house without and invite.

Should be 'walks' and it should be 'an invite'

I close the door and lowly place myself back on the couch

'slowly'

They do

Shouldn't this be, "They all do"?

His partner, Mr. Bick, sits down on my light blue couch next to him.

This is not a mistake, but I think it's rather better to have a different couch colour, maybe dark brown or something similar. Because, the house I imagine an old lady to be would not have any furniture with that sort of bright colours. Sorry, it's just my taste.

Characters

Unless this is the prologue, I'm sorry to say, I found the characters to be very dull and blank. They weren't developed in any way. You gave very brief descriptions of the two men that came to visit the old lady, but I found those few words to be highly inadequate to make me even imagine their faces.

Even in present tense, you can add descriptive sentences without ruining the story. One thing, it keeps the reader entertained. Another is that it makes the story interest when it's full of imaginable characters than faceless ones.

One thing you can do is reconstruct the start of the story a bit. Without starting the story with the arrival of the two men, you can begin by a description of the house or of the old lady or the history of the old lady, although I think it will ruin the plot of the story, if dwell into the past.

Think about this.

Descriptions

As were the descriptions of the characters, the descriptions of the surrounding, setting, background, etc wasn't given in place. Characters against a black background doesn't actually suit a story, and particularly at beginning. It makes the story boring. Simply approaching the plot is not the way to write stories. You must make sure the reader has his/her fullest attention towards the story.

And in order to do that, you must explain the background a bit. Drop hints here and there, and make small descriptions, and that will be enough to make 3d image of the scenery depicted in the story.

Overall

You did pretty well on the count that this is your first story written in present tense. Although, I think you could have made this chapter a lot bigger than its current size. If added good descriptions of both the scenery and the characters, you could have had a decent size chapter, and would get a quality, eye-catching one too.

Well, that's all I've got to say about this.

Good luck.

Interesting. It kind of reminded me of the first chapter of Interview with the Vampire. If you've never read it, it's an awesome book. I like how you introduce the character at old age, because that hardly ever happens anymore. I can't wait to read the rest of the story:))
~mollytate

P.S. Everytime I read what you put below your user name I laugh really hard.

“So, you know what we are here for then?” Asks the other man with the dark skin, deep black hair and cold eyes. A wide smile spreads across his face, but I ignore it. I know he’s just putting on an act for me. They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left. So, if the new generations want any stories of historical events, I will have to tell them.

Why must you use the word "left" twice in a single paragraph, and right after another? Oh and I do hope by the (1) you do not consider this an entire chapter. I'm not even sure if that would even be an entire page double spaced. Moving on.

First off, if you did take the advice of the previous reviewers, why didn't you update this post? Never assume that someone insane won't decide to review it. Looking at this I can tell how much you've grown in your writing.

I remember you mentioning this as one of your novels through a PM. I'm referring to the time when you proposed that we play twenty questions. Since I am very much into apocalyptic scenarios I thought I'd give this a look.

I must be honest, I am disappointed by this beginning. Maybe you could have described how the protagonist saw the characters. Besides their physical appearances however. Are they imposing figures? Does she know where they come from? Who they work for? What motives they have? Does she view them as particularly sinister antagonists? I do however, have a faint idea that she doesn't. Since she knows that she is the last one of her kind left. What that kind is, I do not know at this point. You didn't even give me as the reader any clues as to what identity that may be.

Details, details, as tedious as they may be at times, they really can make a work bloom with brilliance. But as a rule, do not over do it. Too much description can bring down a stories pace. Hehe, I have precisely that problem. I can drone on and on just describing the leaves on a tree or the ominous blue flowers on a rose bush with platinum thorns.

Like I said before, this intro to an apocalyptic world had me yearning for more. Not in a good kind of way. I mean a desire for more interesting things. So far it just gives a, "Yeah, this is the beginning of the story, it's supposed to be generic." Hopefully that feeling will be alleviated once I read the second part.

-

Hello, Cap'n! I'm going to review now. :3

I think about the last time I saw a suit, sixty years ago, and my fathers.

You should change the last bit to "my father's" or "... sixty years ago- my father's."

The two men walk into my house without and invite.

Do you mean AN invite?

They do. After all, need me. I am the only one left. There are no others like me left.

It would be better as: They do, after all, need me. And you should take the "left" off of the last sentence; you've already mentioned that you're the only one left, no need to repeat the word.

Other than that, I liked it. It's slightly intriguing. Keep it up!