Thorns & Roses [4]

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Oh goodness, such a sad, sad story. Here I go:

Plot
I know where you are going, I just don't know how you are going to end, and that makes me happy. Your writing has left me thirsting for more. Now for the specifics:
Vince
I was utterly surprised and disappointed when all you ended up doing was talk about their past relationship. I mean, you didn't even let me know why he actually wanted to be alone with her, you know? Surely not to just give her a ride home. Also, you jump straight to him embarrassing her and crushing her love for him, but you never said specifically if they or how long they were dating before the fight. I would like to know this.
Kevin
I don't know if they are going to end up together, but I would like them to. If you are, I would suggest more touching and loving at this sick scene, I mean, it's a perfect opportunity for you to introduce their attraction to each other, but, of course, only if that is where you intend to go.
Nick
Nick is still somewhat of a mystery to me. I really hope you won't make him 'fall in love with her,' that would make me really mad. I like how this isn't all romance and more about fighting, but you still have a bit of attractions and broken hearts to keep me interested.
Good job, I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
~Classy

Unlike Captain Classy up there, I think they could both like her. Cliche does not bug me, I like seeing the different ways they turn up. Anyways, I'm getting really into this story. Maybe like she said, put somemore Vince in, I think it would be cool if they fought, or if Nick walked up all nonchalantly. Again, its your choice, don't let me influence you or anything, this is just where my mind is going.
Haha, I really do love this story. Please write more!
~Shaard

HI,
I’ve read your past chapters and I have to admit I love it. It’s so girl power . And I’m a big fan. But I think classy was right about you rushing straight in to the end of Vince and Victoria’s relationship. And I see Kevin as adorable and sweet. But I think this might be going towards the ‘I’m not in love with you I only see you as a friend cliché’ if not try and make it a little more obvious. And nick. Please tell me she gets to kick his butt in the next chapter.
Bye
Lil-mizzkitty1

Hi! Thanks for the opinions guys, really!
I think I ended Vince and Vick's conversation quickly on purpose. I have something else planned for them. I just wanted this history out of my way so I took this opportunity to do just that.
And I'm not so sure which guy is going to get Vicks, Kevin or Nick, so I think that's why I haven't put in too much interaction. Once I have my mind set, you'll see more between the characters but as of now, I'm confused.
Thanks again!

~Pink

Hello! I'm Kat *waves* and even though I haven't made a review on this serie of chapters yet, I have been following it and clicking that 'star' thingy button

So, let's take a look at grammar things!

Freshman year I met him, thought he was the ‘one’.

This line right here bugs me a little. My only suggestion is to re-organize the sequence of the words. My best suggestion would be something like this: "I met him in Freshman year, and I thought he was the one." Remember, these are only suggestions. The thing is the comma and the fact that there is no 'I' on the second part of the sentence gives it a weird ring. So, just re-read it and think about it ^.^

And after that unforgettable night, I thought it was going to be just another beginning

It would sound better if the 'just' was after the 'it was'.

Vince’s words swept across the school like a wild fire. “I tamed that horse.”

Take out the first period and put a colon in.

Two year later, no one noticed me,

Tow years.

I would’ve kicked his butt if it was possible

A 'that' would sound better than an 'it'.

“Oh yes, he’s upstairs in his room. Go on ahead, I’ll be there in a minute,” She replied, letting me in.

The 'she' should not be capitalized.

I looked at the bruise that I gave him from that punch a while ago…

No need for the ellipses, a period would do just fine.

Secondly, He never got himself into dangerous fights, unlike me.

'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

So, there are a few things I wanted to point out!
This feels very real to me, very realistic, so it's one good point I really wanted to point out. Sometimes, these things can turn into a direction they shouldn't go, and I'm very happy that you managed to keep it going good.
Now, I've seen on the above reviews the discussion about Vince and stuff. By this time, I'm already disliking Victoria a bit, I think she's being very unthoughtful towards Kevin, like it's his fault he caught something, and I would even dislike her more if she let herself be persuaded by Vince, so let him keep the hell away xD Anyway, avoiding clichés is a must, if you want your story to fresh and original, so a love triangle would just be... cliché, unless you bring something new onto it. So, this is a simple warning, because I haven't got a clear opinion of where you're taking this
I think you're characters are good, but I still can't really say much since I haven't got to really know them to a point where I'd certainly say what they'd do in a certain situation. One thing that keeps bugging me is the fact that Victoria is surrounded by guys (Kevin, Nick, Vince...). I realized how you described what happened with Vince ruined her relationships, but there should be one good soul in the immensity of that school, and so I'd like to see her reaction to a female companion. Just a suggestion, though. I think it would give your MC a bit more ground.

Okay, so that's it! Hope I've helped and drop me a PM if you need anything.
- Kat

Pink! Everyone else got here before me! Crap! LOL. Everything that needed to be said was said, as per my opinion. I loved this chapter, they are getting better every time. Can't wait to find out more about Nick and Kevin and about why he is the only one who stood by her. Possibly love? Or he's just a loyal puppy dog.

Please PM me for the next one !!!

Tanya

...why does everyone think that Kevin and Victoria would fall in love? It may just be me, but I don't see that happening. He's like her brother. Love shouldn't be a part of the picture. But then again, that may just be me.
I love Nick. Is is the ultimate bad boy that I crave in reading. Their personalities collide because they are both very strong and independent and share one thing in common, fighting. Oh! Does he help her train? oops, getting ahead of myself there.
I don't understand Vince. Besides the fact that both your MC and Vince's name start with V's (eep stray from that) as of right now, I don't see a need for that certain conflict. Maybe something happens between them later down the line where nick proves his irreversible, undying love for Victoria and swoops in and saves her from a predicament with the evil Vince....again, getting ahead of myself.
Anyways...
I loved these chapters, although they were a little short for my taste. Keep going!!!

-Jayleigh

Jayleigh: aww, I hope you get well soon!
Thanks so much, I thought I was the only one who was thinking the same thing!
well, you're pretty good a plotting, I'll leave off with that...

writewatiwant: I think you're right about Vicks needing a 'girl friend' that is an interesting idea, wonder why I didn't think of that. I'll be adding someone in the next chapter maybe. Thanks again for your review and stars!

And thanks again to everyone who has been reading/reviewing my chapters!
It means a lot! You guys keep me going!

~Pink

You're a featured work! Eep! What, for like the hundredth time? I hate you for being a great writer!

Pink! I'm finally here. I'm so, so sorry that this took so long. )= I've been such a horrible procrastinator.

But I was Victoria Mason, the girl everyone thought as half a man and that I would not drench myself in feminine ways. Vince wanted to prove them wrong.

The first sentence is worded strangely, especially the bold part. I would consider changing it, if I were you.

My ups and downs, only he was there.

"through my ups and downs"?

“Vicks? What are you doing here?” he asked, in a scratchy accent,

Accent? Maybe it would be better just as 'voice'.

Ok, that's all I've got for nitpicks right now!

Characters: I wasn't so keen on Victoria in this chapter. I still loved your story, your writing is great as always, but I was so annoyed that she didn't pull herself together and kick Vince's butt! She was sort of jumping around here, a little. First she went pretty wimpy with Vince (although I guess it's great that she has a weakness) and then she got all hardcore with Kevin (I feel sorry for the poor lad). It's not too much of a problem, though, because it is believable. It just bugs me a tiny bit.

Plot: Coming on nicely! But do meds really take a week to kick in? Phwoar. Oh, one thing. I have to say that one thing I don't find very believable is Victoria's lack of friends simply because of what happened between her and Vince. Thing is, if this happened then I do believe that people would feel more sorry for her then is implied. Of course, a lot of people would laugh, but you will get those rare, caring types who'd stick closer to Victoria because of this. What might be better is if she says that she perhaps pushed them away over the years that followed, due to embarrassment or perhaps not wanting to be hurt again? If she refuted their attempts to help her, then she would lose her friends.
Oh, and I like the idea of her having a girlfriend. Maybe not one interested in fighting as such, but that's all up to you!
I am, however, debating between Nick and Kevin. I like the way that you're keeping it open at the moment, gives you so much more options later on.

Well, that's all I'll do for now! Can't wait for the next chapter!

~Amy

Hey!

I was wondering what was up with Kevin and Victoria? Are they going to end up with eachother because if they are you should have seriously added more touchy-feely in the sick scene. And what about Vince? Why would he want to be alone with her? I was a bit surprised by that bit but really that's all.



Keep it up!
-Charlotte Grace