Portrait of His Funeral (reviews please?)

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Gender Female
Points 2016
Reviews 81
a soft slice of a shovel piercing the earth,
and the hollow thud as it falls
mercilessly
onto the colorless, joyless wooden box.
.
the wind, strong and capricious,
wrapping coats tighter
across shoulders,
throwing every color and length of hair
like willow leaves,
weeping sans tears.
.
unseen clouds, for all that care,
shade a cold world in an instant,
the next breaking, radiating
light and heat,
swimming through the cemetery,
and back beneath the clouds once again.
.
past the hum of the wind,
the soft monotony of human voice,
mumbling some symphony
of incoherent words, spilling sad farewells.
.
the final whisper of metal in earth
beckons the gathered
for one last longing glance,
ending with a listless turn away,
the silent sound of dress shoes
.
treading upon the vibrant, living grass,
plodding amongst the stone and marble
monuments of the dead.
Last edited by lilchoma on Thu Dec 24, 2009 4:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." ~ the catcher in the rye




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Points 2840
Reviews 36
I enjoyed your poem the use of words were beautiful. But your last two stanza were confusing make it clear.
Gift are to those who appreciate it, use yours wisely




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Gender Male
Points 1747
Reviews 9
Your imagery is great.

I like your ending; I understand what you were saying.

I don't know why but this poem just feels kind of dull to me, but it's still good...

3/5




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Gender Female
Points 31764
Reviews 84
For some reason, the poem is quite...apathetic? dull? I don't know, to be honest with you. It's like I'm seeing the scenes that you wrote though a murky looking-glass, and I just can't see it clearly.

Overall, your poem is quite good! Keep it up! :D

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Points 1579
Reviews 36
absolutely gorgeous! concise and dreamy and melancholy. I especially liked this bit:
"ending with a listless turn away,
the silent sound of dress shoes
.
treading upon the vibrant, living grass,"

I really liked the touch of adding the specificity of 'dress shoes' for some reason. I think I might have one minor critique about this bit:

"throwing every color and length of hair
like willow leaves,"

I might have just left it as 'every length of hair' as this way feels a little too defined. But at the same time it's a really lovely simile.
Also, with the first line I really could hear that soft, damp earthly slice of the shovel.
I suppose, to sum up, it's all the sensory details that make this poem, clear without being over-wordy or too pointed. very nice job!



Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday