His Majesty in His Abode

I went on a trip,
To a place where beauty was unmatched,
To a place where everybody had a fear deep,
To a place where everybody’s heart would be attached.
I went to meet His Majesty in His abode.

The few friends I had were fearless and brave,
For adventures and excitement did they crave.
We started off and in despair never lost heart.
We feared none as we were true friends and would never part
To meet His Majesty in His abode.

On our trip we faced extreme temperatures,
We saw many weird and unknown creatures.
During the trip we enjoyed a lot,
We had great happiness to do something for the food pot
As were near to meet His Majesty in His abode.

After a long and a hard journey,
With experiences and memories as sweet as honey,
We at last saw His Majesty in His abode,
So affected were we by his presence,
That we decided to stay forevermore with His Majesty in His abode.

Inspired by a trip to Asiatic Lion sanctuary in Gujarat,India,

I like your poem, it almost has a fanciful side to it- like a dream. Nicely done

I went on a trip removed the comma
To a place where the beauty was unmatched, the 'the' makes it flow a bit better
To a place where everybody had a deep fear, Fear of what? You might want to clarify
To a place where everybody's heart would be attached;
I went to meet His Majesty in his abode.
I'm going to jump around now, so stay with me!

For adventure and excitement they did crave. just my personal opinion that you should switch them around.
We started off, and in despair, we never lost heart.

Going to meet His Majesty in his abode. Remember, I'm jumping!

We had great happiness doing something for the food pot,
As we drew near to meet His Majesty in his abode.

We at last saw His Majesty in his abode.

Please forgive if I sound harsh at all, I really don't mean to

Loved your poem!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks so much for liking my poem and i will try to do my best next time by improving upon it.

Your work is a nice one i enjoy your use of word it was nice but the fluence of it been a poem was not the too much description and out of point remarks, for next time use few world to make ur point stand out.
Does the poem mean you are dead? Cause its the only way to be with his majesty forever.
Keep up the good work

Inspired by a trip to Asiatic Lion sanctuary in Gujarat,India,[/quote]

To a place where everybody had a fear deep,

Do you mean deep fear?

We feared none as we were true friends and would never part
To meet His Majesty in His abode.

You didn't connect it too well. Or at all.

The other places you used it, worked. Nice job.
No other complaints.
Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

Hullo, Oza! June here, to review this for you.

I really like how you wrote about a place that you went to. I like poems about experiences, because they give us a first hand recount of what it's like from a writers perspective. It's always more interesting that way.

In the beginning, the repeating of the phrase "I went to a place" becomes laborious. I would cut back on it a little, dear, because it's a bit too much of a dragging point for us, when I'd honestly love to see you utilize your wordspace in a manner that propels the poem forward.

I enjoy how you carry us through the experience of the trip. I would say not to concern with pulling rhyme, because, in honesty, it's not an important device, and sometimes it's better to leave it off, or write a dry scratch of a poem and add the rhyme on later, so that you have the space and the room and the time to make the rhyme accomodate your poem rather than the other way around.

Good job, and thank you for sharing! If you have any questions, or any comments, my inbox is always open.

June

Okay, so what I feel you need to improve on is instead of telling me things I want you to show me, it's always way more fun reading poems where there's little examples of things...I know that doesn't make much sense, but I don't know any other way to put it sorry.

When you're doing rhyming poetry, just remember to keep it loose. It doesn't always have to rhyme, and if it works better without the rhyme...then just don't worry about it. A lot of the time it's better to not have it rhyme then to try and force it, because when you force it the reader can normally tell.

When I read it at first I though of a fairy tale, haha keep writing.