Pack Cords

Hi guys! I'm posting another story. Yay!
so this was my NaNo. I only made it to nine thousand words, (fail) but I tried! So around the end you may or may not be able to guess what it's about. I don't want to spoil it, but many of you will probably run screaming because of what it's about DUN DUN DAA! Anywho, here. Read. enjoy. Comment. And other neat shtuff!

“Ginger, I don't think you should go to the dance with him,” my mom said. She was probably right.
It was the middle of January, a few weeks after winter break. I lived in a small town, one of many that make up the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Every year my high school has a big dance. I hadn't really gone to a dance before, but that year I was stupid enough to go with Mark.
Mark was a football player, and he was also a jerk. He had asked me two days before the dance, and for some stupid reason I accepted. So, there I was, waiting for him to pick me up.
“I know mom,” I said, “but I already told him I'd go. I'll be careful. I promise.”
I had a dark green dress on, and my red hair was braided.
I looked out the window to see a car pull into the driveway.
Here goes nothing, I thought.
I heard a horn honk. Jerk, I thought. I waited for him to come to the door.
He eventually came to the door and knocked. I rolled my eyes and walked to the door to open it, grabbing my coat on the way.
“Mom, Mark is here,” I called, the opened the door.
“Hi Mark,” I said to him.
“Hey,” he replied. “I honked to horn, didn't you hear?”
“Oh, no, I didn't. I have terrible hearing.” It was a horrible lie. I had really good hearing, probably better than Mark's.
My mom came to the door. She looked at me, then at Mark.
“Mom, this is Mark,” I said.
“Hello Mark.”
“Hi,” he replied.
“Be careful, alright?” my mom told us.
“Okay mom,” I said. Mark just looked at me.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess.”
I followed him out the door, then stopped and looked back at my mom. She mouthed “Good luck,” then Mark took my hand.
“Come on,” he said, “You don't want to be late, do you?”
“No,” I said, thinking again how stupid I probably was. Maybe I can ditch him at some point, I thought.
When we got to the dance, it was about what I had expected it would be. There was loud music, and a lot of people all dressed up. I still couldn't believe I had said yes.
“Hey, Come on,” Mark said, “let's go inside. Or did you want to stay out here all night?”
“Oh yeah,” I replied. “Okay.”
We went into the school. As we got closer to the gym, the music got even louder. When Mark opened the door, it was deafening.
The lights were dimmed down, and there were streamers and balloons everywhere. People were scattered in random places and groups, except on the dance floor, which was packed with people.
Mark and I stood around for a while, until a slow song came on.
“You want to dance, Ginger?” Mark asked.
“Sure,” I answered, “It beats standing around.”
I had never danced before, so Mark had to show me. Once we stared dancing, I didn't really get why people even danced. We just sort of wandered around the dance floor together.
All of the sudden someone tapped on Mark's shoulder to cut in.
Who would want to dance with me? I thought. Then I realized it was Luke.
Luke has been my best friend since we were five. He's always been taller than me by about a foot. He has blond hair and hazel eyes, which are usually slightly yellowish gold.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi. Did you come here with someone?”
“No, I'm on my own. I was going to ask this one girl, but when we were talking about it at one point, she said she didn't want to go,”
“Oh, that was me, wasn't it?”
Luke laughed. “Yes.”
“Sorry. You were going to ask me?”
“Yeah, but you said you didn't want to go. So what are you doing here with Mark?”
“He asked me and I said yes. I don't know why, but I couldn't go back on what I said, could I?”
“You could've said you were sick or something,” he laughed.
“But then if I went with you, he would've seen me here and gotten mad.”
“But you didn't want to go in the first place, so why didn't you just stay home?”
“Because I wanted to go with you!”
“Really?”
“Yes! I never said I didn't want to go. I said I was waiting for someone to ask me. Not that anyone else but Mark would've asked me anyway. Who would want to go with me?”
“Me,” Luke laughed.
“Well, yes, you. I was just thinking out loud, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Luke, are you mad at me?”
“No, I'm fine.”
The music had changed, and Luke took me off the dance floor. We were talking for a long time, and I was starting to have fun. Then out of nowhere Mark appeared. He bumped into Luke hard enough that he bumped into me.
“Ow!” I yelled, “Mark, what was that for?”
He ignored me, of course.
“Luke, I think you stole me date,” he said.
“What?” Luke yelled, “I stole your date? I was dancing with her and you disappeared!”
“You cut in. That's rude.”
“Relax guys,” I said, “We were just dancing. And if either of you think you can get away with arguing about me like a toy, then you're really stupid.”
Luke heard me. He knew how much I hated being treated like that, so he tried to stop.
“Yeah, Mark,” he said, “Ginger's a girl, not property. Just drop it. You can 'have her back'. But only if she wants to.”
“Actually, Mark, I'd like to stay with Luke,” I tried to say politely.
“Luke, you geek, if you want to fight, we can,” Mark said.
“Alright, fine. If you're going to be immature about this, let's go outside.”
“Fine!”
They started walking away. I got really mad at Luke, but it was Mark that I wanted to punch.
“Mark, relax,” I said, “You guys don't need to fight,”
“Don't worry, I won't hurt Luke too much.”
“It's not him I'm worried about,” I muttered. I turned to Luke.
“Luke, you said Mark was being immature, and now you guys are going to fight? Do you not get it?”
“You're my best friend, my only friend, and I don't need anyone talking about you like property. I'm just going to teach him a lesson.”
Neither of them was going to listen to me.
“Alright, just be nice to him,” I said.
“Yes, Ginger,” he laughed.
When we got outside, I realized the wind had come up. None of us had our coats on, and I was freezing. We got out onto the football field, and Mark randomly hit Luke.
“Oh, that was nice!” Luke yelled. “Not even a 'go'?”
“Nope!” Mark yelled over the wind. Luke tackled Mark. I felt really helpless. I sat down on the edge of the field tensely and waited for them to finish fighting.
They dodged each others' blows for a while, then Mark kicked Luke in the stomach. Luke fell back a few steps, then punched, hitting Mark straight in the mouth. They hit each other a few more times, then Mark's fist slammed into Luke's nose and I heard a crack. I knew his nose had broken. He hit Mark again in the face.
“Okay, Luke!” I yelled, “I think you've taught him a lesson now!”
Luke and Mark both had a bloody nose, and I knew I'd hear Luke complain about bruises the next day.
Neither of them seemed to get tired or weak, but Mark hit Luke in the stomach and he fell over. Then Mark started kicking Luke in the stomach.
“Mark!” I yelled, jumping onto my feet “Stop it now!”
I ran over to Mark and tried to pull him away from Luke. He hit me in the stomach with his elbow and kept beating Luke up.
“Mark, you're going to kill him! STOP!” I tried pulling him away again, but he pushed me onto the ground and said,
“He deserves it! Now get out of my way you stupid girl!”
I got up and punched Mark in the face as hard as I could. He toppled over next to Luke with a yell.
“You vicious animal!” He said.
“I'm an animal?” I yelled, “You wouldn't stop kicking him! Now get out of here!”
Mark got up and laughed.
“No thanks,” and he walked back to Luke.
I started shaking. It wasn't because I was cold. I actually felt like I had a fever. I couldn't see straight. The last thing I saw before I hit the ground was the moon. I realized for the first time that night that it was full.


Oh no! What's gonna happen next!?!? So yeah. If you haven't guessed yet, it's about

Spoiler

werewolves!!!

Okay, bye!

Okay, so, I'll give this a go and be the first one, Yay! But, um, I just have to say that I have a unique critiquing style. My corrections will be in red, sorry if this annoys you. Um... Well, here goes... (nice username, by the way)
[quote="Wolfie2"]

“Ginger, I don't think you should go to the dance with him,” my mom said. She was probably right. Well, this isn't a very exciting beginning if you ask me. But, then again, I'm useless at beginnings so I can't give you any suggestions as to how to improve it.
It was the middle of January, a few weeks after winter break. I lived in a small town, one of many that make up the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Every year my high school has a big dance. I hadn't really gone to a dance before, but that year I was stupid enough to go with Mark.
Mark was a football player, and he was also a jerk. He had asked me two days before the dance, and for some stupid reason I accepted. So, there I was, waiting for him to pick me up. Right now, it seems like a pretty dull story. I know that it is hard to begin a story and whatnot, I have trouble with it all the time. It's just, well, for me, I don't like this kind of reality writing, and I wouldn't continue... but of course, that's my opinion.
“I know mom,” I said, “but I already told him I'd go. I'll be careful. I promise.”
I had a dark green dress on, and my red hair was braided. This snippet of description seems random. Put it someplace else, somewhere that doesn't make this sound as if you just remembered that you had to tell us what she looked like.
I looked out the window to see a car pull into the driveway.
Here goes nothing, I thought.
I heard a horn honk. Jerk, I thought.You've said 'I thought' two times in a row and it's repetitive. Try something different. I waited for him to come to the door.
He eventually came to the door Repetition of 'came to the door'. It annoys me and I'm sure other readers wouldn't like it either. and knocked. I rolled my eyes and walked to the door to open it, grabbing my coat on the way.
“Mom, Mark is here,” I called, the Do you mean 'he opened the door' ? Well, right now, this sentence doesn't make sense. Revise it and you'll see. I think it's just a typo. opened the door.
“Hi Mark,” I said to him.
“Hey,” he replied. “I honked to the horn, didn't you hear?”
“Oh, no, I didn't. I have terrible hearing.” It was a horrible lie. I had really good hearing, probably better than Mark's. We know that she lied, you wrote about the horn beeping, so this is just treating us like idiots. I would just say, after the speech, 'I explained, hoping he couldn't read the lie on my face'. Or something like that.
My mom came to the door. She looked at me, then at Mark.
“Mom, this is Mark,” I said.
“Hello Mark.”
“Hi,” he replied.
“Be careful, alright?” my mom told us.
“Okay mom,” I said. Mark just looked at me.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess.”
I followed him out the door, then stopped and looked back at my mom. She mouthed “Good luck,” then Repetition of 'then'. Don't know how to fix it though.Mark took my hand.
“Come on,” he said, “You don't want to be late, do you?”
“No,” I said Too many 'said's. Replace it with something else. , thinking again how stupid I probably Take out 'probably' it breaks the flow of the otherwise well-written sentence. was. Maybe I can ditch him at some point, I thought. I like this. Completely random but true.
When we got to the dance, it was about what I had expected it would be. There was loud music, and a lot of people all dressed up. I still couldn't believe I had said yes.Okay, I understand she regrets accepting. Leave it out now.
“Hey, Come on,” Mark said, “let's go inside. Or did you want to stay out here all night?”
“Oh yeah,” I replied. “Okay.”
We went into the school. As we got closer to the gym, the music got even louder. When Mark opened the door, it was deafening.
The lights were dimmed down, and there were streamers and balloons everywhere. People were scattered in random places and groups, except on the dance floor, which was packed with people.
Mark and I stood around for a while, until a slow song came on.
“You want to dance, Ginger?” Mark asked.
“Sure,” I answered, “It beats standing around.”
I had never danced before, so Mark had to show me. Once we stared dancing, I didn't really get why people even danced. We just sort of wandered around the dance floor together. All of this was pretty boring because you've been giving me inconsequential details that are all 'told' not 'shown'. You know the tip Show not Tell, well I think you should take it more into consideration. I'm also kind of lost on the story; what's happening, I don't get it?
All of the 'All of a sudden'sudden someone tapped on Mark's shoulder to cut in.
Who would want to dance with me? I thought. Then I realized it was Luke.
Luke has been my best friend since we were five. He's always been taller than me by about a foot. He has blond hair and hazel eyes, which are usually slightly yellowish gold.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi. Did you come here with someone?”
“No, I'm on my own. I was going to ask this one girl, but when we were talking about it at one point,Rephrase it to, 'when we were talking about it, she...' she said she didn't want to go,”
“Oh, that was me, wasn't it?”
Luke laughed. “Yes.”
“Sorry. You were going to ask me?”
“Yeah, but you said you didn't want to go. So what are you doing here with Mark?”
“He asked me and I said yes. I don't know why, but I couldn't go back on what I said, could I?”
“You could've said you were sick or something,” he laughed.
“But then if I went with you, he would've seen me here and gotten mad.”
“But you didn't want to go in the first place, so why didn't you just stay home?”
“Because I wanted to go with you!”
“Really?”
“Yes! I never said I didn't want to go. I said I was waiting for someone to ask me. Not that anyone else but Mark would've asked me anyway. Who would want to go with me?”
“Me,” Luke laughed.
“Well, yes, you. I was just thinking out loud, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Luke, are you mad at me?”
“No, I'm fine.”
The music had changed, and Luke took me off the dance floor. We were talking for a long time, and I was starting to have fun. Then out of nowhere Mark appeared. He bumped into Luke hard enough that he bumped into me. Repetition of 'bumped'.
“Ow!” I yelled, “Mark, what was that for?”
He ignored me, of course.
“Luke, I think you stole me my date,” he said.
“What?” Luke yelled, “I stole your date? I was dancing with her and you disappeared!”
“You cut in. That's rude.”
“Relax guys,” I said, “We were just dancing. And if either of you think you can get away with arguing about me like a toy, then you're really stupid.”
Luke heard me. He knew how much I hated being treated like that, so he tried to stop.
“Yeah, Mark,” he said, “Ginger's a girl, not property. Just drop it. You can 'have her back'. But only if she wants to.”
“Actually, Mark, I'd like to stay with Luke,” I tried to say politely.
“Luke, you geek, if you want to fight, we can,” Mark said.
“Alright, fine. If you're going to be immature about this, let's go outside.”
“Fine!”
They started walking away. I got really mad at Luke, but it was Mark that I wanted to punch.
“Mark, relax,” I said, “You guys don't need to fight,”
“Don't worry, I won't hurt Luke too much.”
“It's not him I'm worried about,” I muttered. I turned to Luke.
“Luke, you said Mark was being immature, and now you guys are going to fight? Do you not get it?”
“You're my best friend, my only friend, and I don't need anyone talking about you like property. I'm just going to teach him a lesson.”
Neither of them was going to listen to me.
“Alright, just be nice to him,” I said.
“Yes, Ginger,” he laughed.
When we got outside, I realized the wind had come up. None of us had our coats on, and I was freezing. We got out onto the football field, and Mark randomly hit Luke.
“Oh, that was nice!” Luke yelled. “Not even a 'go'?”
“Nope!” Mark yelled over the wind. Luke tackled Mark. I felt really helpless. I sat down on the edge of the field tensely and waited for them to finish fighting.
They dodged each others' blows for a while, then Mark kicked Luke in the stomach. Luke fell back a few steps, then punched, hitting Mark straight in the mouth. They hit each other a few more times, then Mark's fist slammed into Luke's nose and I heard a crack. I knew his nose had broken. He hit Mark again in the face.
“Okay, Luke!” I yelled, “I think you've taught him a lesson now!”
Luke and Mark both had a bloody nose, and I knew I'd hear Luke complain about bruises the next day.
Neither of them seemed to get tired or weak, but Mark hit Luke in the stomach and he fell over. Then Mark started kicking Luke in the stomach.
“Mark!” I yelled, jumping onto Makes more sense if you say, 'jumping to my feet'. my feet “Stop it now!”
I ran over to Mark and tried to pull him away from Luke. He hit me in the stomach with his elbow and kept beating Luke up.
“Mark, you're going to kill him! STOP!” I tried pulling him away again, but he pushed me onto the ground and said,
“He deserves it! Now get out of my way you stupid girl!”
I got up and punched Mark in the face as hard as I could. He toppled over next to Luke with a yell.
“You vicious animal!” He said.
“I'm an animal?” I yelled, “You wouldn't stop kicking him! Now get out of here!”
Mark got up and laughed.
“No thanks,” and he walked back to Luke.
I started shaking. It wasn't because I was cold. I actually felt like I had a fever. I couldn't see straight. The last thing I saw before I hit the ground was the moon. I realized for the first time that night that it was full. This very last paragraph is good, makes me wonder and builds suspense. I like it.
quote]

Well, it's a kind of interesting story, not exactly the pick of the bunch though. I think the idea is good - if what I think is happening, is right - but the way you execute it is pretty poor. There is a lot of repetition all the way through, especially with 'then' you use that almost every sentence. Your work is listed, completely rigid with the only description you give being the unnecessary details. I would redo this, perhaps build better characters (I don't feel anything for Luke when he's getting beat, which is a bad sign.) and over all spice it up a bit. I think this is a good first draft, it outlines the story, gives you a basic idea of what happens when, but now you need to flesh it out; add some seasoning. Make sure to keep to the things that matter, but, all in all, I think it is a good story in the making, and would, if you corrected and whatnot, read it over again or read the next part of the story. I love werewolves too!!!

Good job so far,

~Ash~

Hi Ash, thank you for the review. And the red isn't really annoying.
Obviously I'm not very good at beginnings either. Well, I was doing pretty well with starting two of my other stories, but this one was like "uhh..hmm..I'll write this!" Fail. Many of the other things that you critiqued were things I wasn't sure were good or not, so thanks for answering those questions!
ummm...DANCING ELEPHANT!

Hey Wolfie, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I lived in a small town, one of many that make up the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Every year my high school has a big dance. I hadn't really gone to a dance before, but that year I was stupid enough to go with Mark.

The information itself is fine, but I wouldn't put it after your first line, maybe the second.

“I know mom,” I said,

"I know, Mom," I said...

I waited for him to come to the door.
He eventually came to the door and knocked.

Repetition can be easily avoided

“Hi Mark,” I said to him.

"Hi, Mark," I said to him. Remember, commas before names.

He's always been taller than me by about a foot. He has blond hair and hazel eyes, which are usually slightly yellowish gold.

Usually? Not always? And if they're hazel, how are they also yellowish gold?

“Luke, I think you stole me date,” he said.

me date? Is he from the West of Ireland, or is this a typo?

Okay...

II. LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE

Okay, I want you to imagine you're at a school dance. You're going with someone you don't even like. Your best friend comes over. Are they really going to start fighting over you? To be honest, I find guys fighting over girls in literature just plain ridiculous- it's more likely to be the other way around (trust me, I've seen it happen). At some points, Ginger seems like a rational, level-headed being, so isn't she going to say, "You do realise this is ridiculous?" And if they don't listen to her, maybe she's going to take the sensible and probably more teenage-ish approach of "Okay, fine, go fight. Come back in and tell me when you're done."

People don't just go outside to fight. And especially not over girls- a girl who Mark doesn't even seem interested in?

You might have a reason behind this other than you're just trying to get them outside. But say, if they're both werewolf cubs het up on testosterone, it might be more likely that they start fighting inside.

I'd just like you to chew on this- taking the fight outside is such a cliché, it's tired, it's dull and it's even a little cringe-worthy. Come on. I know you can do better!

III. DIALOGUE

Me? I love writing dialogue, more than anything else. But I also think it's very important that you look over your dialogue, say it out loud, act out the parts even! Is it as great as you thought it sounded? Maybe it rolls well, but does it sound like something that twenty-first century teenagers would be saying to each other? If you listen to your friends talking, they rarely ever get straight to the point- although doing so in literature does have its merits.

Read over what you've written and try to imagine them saying it in real life. The bones of what they're saying is fine, but if there's details, if real people would say "like" right there, or phrase something differently, then change it! Dialogue is all about sounding natural.

IV. OVERALL

It really wasn't as bad as I've probably made it sound Work on your dialogue- often character comes with that. I hope you get it further than 9k!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Thanks for the review, Stella. Actually, the night after I got the first review from Ash, I was falling asleep thinking about it. I randomly shot up in bed and said "Gasp! That's perfect!!!" Looking back on it, it might be a bit cliche, but not. so I do have a bit of a rewrite I'm working on but sort of not right now. They do end up fighting inside in the rewrite.
You think the boys are werewolves?!?! GAH! Must change!
I do have trouble describing things, so I end up with a lot of dialogue. Must work on that. Any suggestions? And acting out the words sounds like a good idea.
Well, that's all I have. Umm... DANCING ELEPHANT! (we really need to get more random smiley things...)