Fantasyium, T.1.: Angel, Chapter 1

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I've been reading and reading and also reviewing. Now I am showing what I'm made of.

____

(The prologue is not really necessary, but if you want to read it:

Prologue

Fact, a myriel is a fantastic creature.
Fact, a myriel is a monster in a human shell.
Fact, a myriel and a human should never become friends, unless they don’t want to die.

A myriel is a creature that looks like a human but is not. To know if someone is a myriel, a myriel has unatural color highlights that grow normally in their hair, has two-colour eyes and can control an element. A myriel has tendency to love the dark and dirty work like stealing, assassinating and dealing. More importantly, myriels dislike humans, calling them the inferior race.)

----------------------------------------Chapter 1 + Angel----------------------------------------

September 21st

It was the beginning of autumn. The leaves were already falling and had taken beautiful colors: bloody red, orange, golden yellow, wine red. Angelia Grahams was walking to the Ebony Forest High School. Suddenly, watching her watch, she started running, because she was late and also, it was her first day. She arrived at Ebony Forest late at night, since she had to live at her aunt’s house. When she, finally, arrived, exhausted at the school, she was relieved and, then, stressed. She tried to find her way to the secretary in the gloomy hallways. If she had been their earlier, she would have found help. While she was walking down a hallway, she found a student and ran to him.

ʺExcuse me, I’ll like to know where the secretary is, ʺ she asked to the student.

He looked at her and then pointed down the hallway. After that, he, simply, vanished.

ʺThanks for the help, ʺ she said even if the person wasn’t there anymore.

She walked down and stop to a door. She read the word secretary and knocked at the door. No one answered. She knocked again and again, but no one answered. She opened the door and fell face to face with an elderly woman that didn’t looked quite happy.

ʺI’ve knocked,ʺ Angelia said automatically.

ʺI’ve heard and answered, young lady. Kids these days…Are you Angelia Grahams? ʺ the old lady said with a twitch of anger.

ʺYes, madam, ʺ Angelia answered scared.

ʺWe have been waiting for you, since thirty minutes. You are late. I don’t need any justification. Here you go a school’s plan, a schedule, an agenda, a calendar and papers that have to be signed for tomorrow, ʺ the woman said marking the important words angrily.

ʺYes madam, ʺ answered Angelia still scared.

Angelia was scared that old woman jumped on her. The old lady had red eyes, maybe due by allergies, long nails and pointy teeths like cats. She ran out the secretary like if she had seen a fiend. That woman had freaked her out. She took her schedule and saw that her next course was chemistry. There was only ten minutes left. She wouldn’t go in the class for few minutes. She started walking and thinking of what happened before she arrived in Ebony Forest.

It was the 3rd of August; Angelia was out with some friends to a party. When she came back to her house, the police was surrounding it. A police officer ran to her asking if she was the daughter of Holly and Thomas Grahams and if she could identify the two bodies. She fell on her knees and burst in tears, when she identified her parents. She remembers herself that she was screaming hysterically their names. She asked what happened and the officer answered that it was supposed to be a robbery, but it ended with a murder. She remembered the way her family and friends were placid at the funerals. The only noises, beside the priest, were cries. Her parents were both implicated in the community of Silent Hills. They were known by all and all knew that they could trust them for anything at anytime. Afterward, her aunt became her guardian and she had to move to Ebony Forest.

The bell rang and Angelia woke up from her memories. She looked at her plan and walked to his chemistry room. At her arrival, all eyes looked at her. She looks down on the floor shyly. At the back of her, the teacher arrived and everyone went back to their conversation. The bell rang again and everyone sat down, Angelia found a place, but the teacher didn’t let her sit down.

ʺYou are a new student? You can’t sit down before presenting yourself, ʺ said the teacher.

Angelia stood up and looks at the class. Everyone was looking at her, she was freaking out, and even the teacher was looking at her.

ʺMy name is Angelia Grahams and I’ve just arrived to Ebony Forest. I come from Silent Hills up north, ʺ she said briefly.

She sat back faster than she stood up. The teacher looked at her and started his course. Hopefully, she understood what the course was about and had learned it at her late school before she moved. After a while, the teacher asked his class to team up. Few of them gathered to Angelia, but the majority teamed up with their friends. A blond girl came to Angelia and she accepted. She didn’t know who to choose anyway. They started working. The blond girl is named Christie von Helsen and she is very charismatic, however she talked a little bit too much.

While they were walking, a student appeared. He had is hoodie over is head and long dark hair with blue highlights. He looked dark and evil. Angelia checked the guy a little more, to recognize the guy that helped her earlier.

ʺMister Isaac Nox, you know that my course started forty-six minutes ago, ʺ said the teacher furiously.

The guy, Isaac Nox, didn’t even bother to look to the teacher and went to his usual seat. Christie looked at him and they went back to me.

ʺHe is Isaac Nox, one of the ten members of the popular clique. He is, however, a delinquent in all the terms, ʺ Christie said to Angelia.

Angelia didn’t need the justification of Christie to know that he was a delinquent. The way he acted toward the teacher was enough. The bell rang four minutes after the appearance of the mysterious Isaac Nox. Christie and Angelia came out together. Even if she talks a lot, Angelia liked her charisma and smile. They walked and talked together to the English class. It was with surprise that Angelia saw Isaac Nox already in class. Two of Christie’s friend joined them. One of them was Gabrielle De Montigny, she was a brunette, a proud one and she wore her glasses to show that she was intelligent not because she need them. Angelia didn’t like her, but didn’t show it to. The other one was Lydia Jackson. She was black and nice girl. She, also, had attitude and respect. Angelia kind of liked her. Them four were talking together, when a girl with brown hair and light blue and pink highlights arrived and went to see Isaac Nox.

ʺShe is Lyorê Obscure, another member of the clique, ʺ informed Christie.

ʺI wished I get to be accepted in the clique, ʺ dropped Gabrielle.

ʺAngelia, one thing you have to know, don’t get in their way. Never. Bad things happen to people that goes in their way, ʺ said Lydia.
The English teacher arrived brusquely in the class at the same time that the bell rang. He started his class without even bothering to wait for his students to prepare themselves for the class. Angelia tried to understand what the teacher was saying, but he was talking so fast like if he had to race against the clock that it made comprehension impossible. She looked around and saw that it was pretty much the same for everyone. Isaac and Lyorê stood up and started walking to the door, when the teacher stopped them.

ʺYou are not allowed to skip my class when you like mister Nox and Miss Obscure, ʺ said the teacher calmly.

ʺWhy should we stay in your class, if we don’t even understand what you say Mister Foster, ʺ said Isaac annoyed.

They got out and shut the door after them. The teacher continued like if nothing happened. At the end of his race, there was fifthteen minutes left. Christie told Angelia that it was normal and that those fifthteen minutes were nicknamed the Question Time. A minute before the class ended Isaac and Lyorê came back. The teacher wasn’t happy about that. The bell rang and it was lunchtime.
Last edited by MissyLilEma on Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:09 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Hi MissyLil, welcome to YWS
I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this piece for you today.

Nitpicks
Fact, a myriel and a human should never become friends, if they don’t want to die.

Alright, just a suggestion but I think "if they don't want to die" can be replaced with "unless they want to die."
To know if someone is a myriel, a myriel has unnatural color highlights that grow normally in their hair, has two-colour eyes and can control an element.

I think this sounds a little off. I know the tone of voice you're trying to create but the sentence seems a little choppy.
It was the beginning of autumn. The leaves were already falling and had taken beautiful colors: bloody red, orange, golden yellow, wine red. Angelia Grahams was walking to the Ebony Forest High School. She was running[,] because she was late and also[,] it was her first day. She arrived at Ebony Forest late at night[,] since she had to live at her aunt’s house. When she[,] finally[,] arrived,(put a comma here) exhausted at the school, she was at first(I think you should take this out) relieved and[,] then[,] stressed. She tried to find her way to the secretary in the gloomy hallways. If she had been there earlier, she would have found help. While she was walking down a hallway, she found a student and ran to him.


okay so right here we have a weak introduction. I want you to pull us into your story, and starting with "It was the beginning of autumn," it just doesn't really cut it. Try spicing up your introduction a little. Also, you used too many commas and it was difficult to read. Honestly, it sounded like there were too many pauses and as if a machine was talking.
I put brackets around the commas I think you should take out.

ʺI’ve knocked ʺ Angelia said automatically.

comma after knocked.
Here you go a school’s plan, a schedule, an agenda, a calendar and papers that have to be signed for tomorrow, ʺ the woman said marking the important words angrily.

I thought this sentence sounded a bit weird. Maybe it's just me though :)
Angelia was scared that old woman jumped on her. She ran out the secretary like if she had seen a fiend.

But I have no idea what was so scary about her? I mean sure I've met some pretty rude and scary people, but none that I'd think were a fiend and I'd have to run away from them. Try explaining exactly what was so scary about her.
It was the 3rd of August; Angelia was out with some friends to a party. When she came back to her house, the police were surrounding her house.

repetition of 'house', try using something else.
She remembers herself that she was screaming hysterically their names.

Tense. Remembers=present and remembered=past
Keep the same tense throughout your story, please. :)
The bell rang and Angelia woke up from her memories. She looked at her plan and walked to her chemistry room. At her arrival, all eyes looked at her. She looked down on the floor shyly. At the back of her, the teacher arrived and everyone went back to their conversation. The bell rang again and everyone sat down, Angelia found a place, but the teacher didn’t let her sit down.

Okay, this was weird. Why did everyone look at her? The bell hadn't rang yet? I already thought everyone was in their designed seat.
Bad things happens to people that goes in their way, ʺ said Lydia.
[/quote][/quote]
I think you mean 'happen' to people...

__________________________________
Overall

Alright, there are more mistakes in there but I don't feel like going back and doing an entire line to line review so I'll stop with this. I notice your sentences lack flow and at times, they're difficult to understand. You use commas in places that don't need commas so I suggest you brush up on some comma rules. Also, double check your tenses, it's very important that you keep your tense the same throughout your entire story.
You character isn't very deep and you seem to jump around a lot and explain things that don't need explaining. Work on her emotions because while I was reading this, I felt no connection to your character.
You also don't provide enough descriptions. Very little things were explained
Your writing is off-beat and it sounds like we're being told what's happening through a computer or something. Um...if you know what I mean.
This chapter didn't have anything very interesting about it, and the character development needs work. You introduced us to some of the other girls but honestly, there was no action to show what personalities they have.
But on the bright side, I like the prologue and what you've come up with. The school's atmosphere is very dark and creepy and it's cool.
Well that's all, sorry if I sounded harsh. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

~Pink
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Firstly, I agree with everything PinkShearwater said. I'll trust her to point out your grammatical mistakes, since I'm not particularly keen on picking those up. What I will comment on is the plot.
Not a lot is happening here, common of most beginnings. I feel like the whole new-kid-going-to-new-school process kind of outdated. I've never transfered in the middle of a semester like that, but I remember watching Grease the movie and that was everything Sandra Dee went through. Surely they've updated that?
Also, your descriptions of Angelia's classmates were dull. The readers don't need a little tag classifying 'this girl is popular' or 'this girl is a snob'. In fact, since this is the beginning I'm pretty sure a lot of readers wouldn't object to knowing very little about the other girls, you can reveal their personalities through their actions later.
ʺAngelia, one thing you have to know, don’t get in their way. Never. Bad things happens to people that goes in their way, ʺ said Lydia.
Super-super-obvious foreshadowing. Try an anecdote, like 'Remember the last new kid, Suzy? She joined the popular clique right away, and she overdosed two months later' or something like that. You've managed to stay away from most of the reality-bending mistakes that some beginning fantasy writers fall prey to, with these exceptions:
1) Myriels have pink and blue highlighted hair? It would be perfectly acceptable if your justified it later in the story, like they have weird highlights because their hair is where the glamour that makes them appear human is weakest, and bits of their true color come through.
2) Giving people outrageous names. Lyorê Obscure? If I were a fantastic creature bent on wrecking havoc, I'd give myself a plain name so I would be less suspicious.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was allergic to peanuts. He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the side of the mountain, and a rock fell on him and he died.
Moral of the story: Expect the unexpected.
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Hey Missy! What's up? Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella or, well, anything you like, and I will be your reviewer today :)

I. NITPICKS

To know if someone is a myriel, a myriel has unnatural color highlights that grow normally in their hair,


This sounds like too modern a defining feature to put in there. Maybe say that they often have unusual colouring or something? With the two colour eyes, I assume you mean that their left eye is different from their right, which is a common feature of faeries and changeling children over different mythologies, so I like that :)

bloody red, orange, golden yellow, wine red.


you give each other colour a description, why not orange?

Angelia Grahams was walking to the Ebony Forest High School. She was running,


But you just said she was walking ;)

ʺExcuse me, I’ll like to know where is the secretary, ʺ she asked to the student.


Where the secretary is, maybe?

After that, he, simply, vanished.


The only comma you need here is the one after "that."

ʺWe have been waiting for you, since thirty minutes.


For thirty minutes.

She ran out the secretary like if she had seen a fiend.


as if, maybe, not like if?

When she came back to her house, the police was surrounding her house.


No need to repeat house, you could just say "it"...

She remembers the way her family and friends


remembered.

his chemistry room.


Whose?

is named Christie von Helsen


was.

fifthteen minutes left.


fifteen.

Okay...

II. TENSE

Just a note to make sure you keep an eye on your tenses. Sometimes you're in past tense, sometimes you're in present, and it looks messy. Choose one and stick to it- both have their merits, and often it's just a simple matter of deciding which suits your story better.

III. PASSIVITY

I don't even know if that's a word, what I'm talking about is being passive.

Look at this:

"After about ten minutes the train came and all the passengers got on. There was only one seat left but Ben got there before everyone else, much to the despair of Mandy and Ellie, who thought he should be chivalrous and give it to them."

And this:

"The three of them stood in the cold for a whole ten minutes until finally the train pulled to a stop. Ben pushed his way through the press of people and his eyes lighted on the only seat left. He darted for it and sat down, pleased with himself. Mandy rolled her eyes to Ellie, but held her tongue on the lecture about chivalry Ben was expecting."

The second one involves the characters much more and is more interesting. Don't be afraid to use dialogue as well to do this. For instance, you said:

"A blond girl came to Angelia and she accepted. She didn’t know who to choose anyway. They started working. The blond girl is named Christie von Helsen and she is very charismatic, however she talked a little bit too much."

You could make this so much more interesting! Try something along these lines:

"'Do you have a partner?' asked a voice and Angelia looked up to see a blonde girl smiling hopefully at her. She shook her head and moved her things so she could sit down. It was probably the best offer she was going to get.
'It's Angelia, right?" the girl asked and Angelia nodded. 'That's a cool name! I'm Christie, Christie von Helsen.' Then she went off on a spiel about how much she hated Chemistry, and it appeared that Angelia didn't need to contribute much to the conversation."

Well, not that exactly, but do you see what I'm getting at? Involve your characters, show us what's happening rather than telling us that it did happen.

IV. OVERALL

You have a pretty strong base here, fix the presentation a little and it'll be really good!

I hope I helped, and if you need anything at all feel free to PM me!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hi, thanks for the reviews. I'll need to check my mistakes... :(

Pink: The first chapter is explanation of the background of the character (Angelia), the action really starts in the second chapter. :D

Eurobeat:

Angelia, one thing you have to know, don’t get in their way. Never. Bad things happens to people that goes in their way

This line wasn't foreshadowing, when I foreshadow an event it's better that this. :lol:

Thanks again for the review, I'm going to go and correct my mistakes! :D
No Rain No Rainbow...
...No Smile No Laughter

Have you heard of the Fantasyium?



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