My Place

Yeah, this is quite soon after my last post, but I wanted to get a review on it. I hope you enjoy

------
There’s nothing here but nothing
Four walls, a roof and the floor
This box is crushing me, changing my very soul
There’s no loophole, not even a door

The silence is deafening me
My thoughts cry a tacit moan
There’s no-one to hear, no-one to listen
Whatever hushed pitch or whatever endless tone

My eyes see only stillness
The dark brightening of light
It spreads numbness, it consumes the spark
So nothing do my eyes see in sight

It’s colder, colder than known
The warmth has long escaped
There’s an endless finish, a bare beginning
I can’t see a path, or what the cold has shaped

My arms have failed to move
Suppressed against my weak will
I can’t get out, can’t leave this place behind
I’ve been emptied, with no strength to fill

Even if the door appeared
The roof and walls and floor were gone
Had the darkness brightened, the light dimmed
The sparks returned with the numbness drawn

If the cries had forever ceased
Had the contour of solace
Been broken and shattered, like the depths
My will had broke even, strengthened with furnace

This is my place
This is my home
No matter the time, cold or darkness
I would have never enough strength, no veins of chrome
To leave
And not return.

Hi there! My name's Sam, and I'll be reviewing today.

This poem was very well written. It was very hard for me to find nit-picks. The poem was almost simply written, but I love it. It's like this lonliness is the narriator's addiction.

Very good job!
*gold star*

Sam

This is a very good poem! I like the word choices, not overly fancy while not being overly simple either. It has a good flow to it and you create very vivid images/thoughts/concepts, which I think is the most important part of poetry. Keep up the good work, I'd like to see more of your work.

Thanks for the reviews! I didn't want to make it too intricate so I kept the simplicity of it and occasionally used a bit more ornate wording I'll post some more work up soon

This is quite lovely! As you said, you've made some it simplistic, which nonetheless adds to the feeling of nothingness that is so tangible throughout your poem. It's really good, actually. Your rhyming doesn't seem too forced and you've kept a nice steady beat through every stanza. In occasions I caught a glimpse of some forced rhymes, but it's great overall so don't worry yourself about it.

~Amy

Hi. Nice work here, to start. It has very nice flow, and the simplicity of it all adds to the nothingness feeling as Amy pointed out. I like that! Also, it's very well written, so good job with that, too. The rhyming doesn't seem too forced, which really adds to the flow. I'm glad I read this. It's a great poem. Write more, post more!
Tata!
-Mizzle

AnnaMamaLama wrote:There’s nothing here but nothing
Four walls, a roof and the floor
This box is crushing me, changing my very soul
There’s no loophole, not even a door.

I love the piece. The rhyme especially, but the beginning is my favorite. That is, I want it to be. The first line, second line, and the last two lines are seperated into 3 very diverse topics. It draws you in, but it seems very unrelated, and it seems wierd that you only mention youself in the last two lines. The stanza just bugs me a bit.

That's pretty much all I have to say. I really suck at examples, so I'm sorry that I can't try and rewrite this myself. Basically, I love this piece, and I really want to love the first stanza. Keep it up, and have a nice day!