Sadness(Title Help?)-2/4

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Here's the link to the first part! Enjoy!

topic55564.html

Hours later, Seth is grabbed around the ankle, thrown onto another hard ground, and is kicked in the stomach repeatedly. He groans, feeling pain everywhere. Inside and out. His tears refuse to fall as he silently cries for his Father to come and save him.
The evil candy man whispers in Seth’s ear, “Do you still want the candy?” Seth keeps his mouth shut. He calls for his Father to help him, yet the young boy is starting realize maybe his Father won’t be coming.

“Speak to me, boy!” The evil candy man shouts, kicking Seth in his back this time. All that escapes Seth’s little mouth is a blood curdling scream. He wonders what hurts the most. The physical pain, or the thought that maybe his Father can’t hear him. He is captured by the ankle again, and is dragged across the ground. He could feel rocks and dirt scarping his arms and elbows, but he didn’t care anymore. Seth tries to comprehend why his Father wasn’t coming to save him. His Father had always told him that he would never be hurt as long as he was around. Suddenly, Seth hears other voices. He listens carefully, wondering if one of the other men was his Father.

“Where‘d you get this one?” A deep voice asked.

“In the same alley way,” the evil candy man said. Much to Seth’s surprise, his eyes did indeed make more tears. They came harder than ever as he came to the conclusion that neither of the men was his Father.

“Well, put him in the chamber for observation. The other one didn’t last very long. I am coming to a very interesting theory.”

“Alrighty then,” the evil candy man said. Seth could hear the crunch of rocks under the weight of the other man, but didn’t pay attention any longer when his arms were yanked upward. He let out another scream, this time not so much in pain, but in hope that someone would help him. He didn’t know what to do. Seth could tell that he was being carried off somewhere. He didn’t dare open his eyes, because he knew that all he would see would be the thin strands of black yarn from the bag tied around his head.
A few moments later, after brutal bumps against walls, and sudden squeezes around the neck, Seth cringed when he felt the man untangling himself to thrown Seth down another time. He was indeed thrown, but this time he landed in water. Seth’s baby teeth started to chatter as soon as his smooth skin touched the ice cold liquid. His feet searched for a bottom that would keep his head above the water. His arms failed, searching for something to grab onto. In a panic, Seth shouted, “Please, help me! I don’t know how to swim! My Daddy never taught me!”

“Oh, shut up you little brat! It’s not even four feet deep.” The evil candy man said.

“I can’t see!” Seth shouted, his voice barely audible over his wails of fear. Seth’s breath caught as the same rough hands slid around his neck. This time, they weren’t restricting his breathing. The man wrenched off the black bag.

“There!” Seth blinked his eyes furiously, trying to adjust to the lighting. A bright light shown from behind the man, blinding Seth. Although, Seth could see that he was in a round hole, apparently under the ground. Finally, his tears stopped the moment he came to the face of the candy man; not from reassurance, no, but from shock. Seth hadn’t noticed this before, but half of the mans face was burned. His skin was wrinkled and pink along the left side. Where there should be ear, there was a black whole. Seth’s stomach couldn’t take anymore. He vomited, causing the evil candy man to laugh menacingly. Although, the laughter stopped when Seth began to scream from the pain, the fear of not knowing what to do, the ever pressing thought of where his Father was, his hunger; all love was lost from little Seth’s point of view. Seth’s back had a heartbeat now, and his nose felt like it was on fire.

“What?” The man shouted, splashing the brown, ice cold water at Seth. “You don’t look so great yourself. Didn’t your Daddy teach you how to be a gentleman?”

Seth didn’t reply. His eyes were focused on the evil candy man. Seth just stood there, suddenly more empty than he had been before. Young, little Seth was coming to the conclusion that his Father wasn’t going to save him like he had always promised. His Father was going to let him die in this black whole, right next to the evil candy man.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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No grammar corrections, just a few things to point out.


“In the same alley way,” the evil candy man said.

So, the underlined: alleyway is one word. And the bolded. You keep repeating 'evil candy man,' and I must say, I hate it. It sounds like a song from Willy Wonka when they sing "the candy man can!" You should give him a more menacing name.


Seth keeps his mouth shut. He calls for his Father to help him, yet the young boy is starting realize maybe his Father won’t be coming.

So these sentences are like big oxymoron's. (I love that word, don't you!) You say that he keeps his mouth shut, and then he calls for his father. Which one is he doing?!


Seth hadn’t noticed this before, but half of the mans face was burned.

So, don't you think his face being burnt is a bit cliche for an evil man? Just saying.


Such a sad story! Eep!
So, this is good. There's only one more thing I have to say. You seem to change tenses a lot. In the begining its the present tense, and towards the end you drift back to past. I hope you can pick out what's wrong. If you can't, PM me and I'll help you out.
Oh! One more thing. I know it is told in third person, but sometimes you speak like Seth is an adult. You calling him the candy man bugs me, but it does work. I think you should change some of your words so that they sound more like a little kid is saying it!
~Classy




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Thank you!
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Kate! I love your story! This needs to be published greatly! When I read it it brings old memories of my dad back! I love how you can make me remember those sad things. When the crazy dude said didn't your father teach you to be a gentleman? That made me cry like a baby! My father taught me nothing. :( But its all good. Keep writing please! :elephant:



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus