Torn Down..A Story I'm Currently Writing

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Okay here it is :elephant:

I was breathing heavy running towards the light blue house that i noticed to be my best friend Sandra's. I was coughing my brain hurting from having to deal with the situation. "Ally You cant run from me..." Said the male voice that frightened me the most in my dreams. "Leave me alone...!" I said in a series of coughs. I ran more but knew i should slowly give up.

"Yes Ally be a smart girl. Save me the hassle" Said the voice. I was still running forcing myself not to scream or stop. "Never why do you want me!" I screamed. The figure stopped moving as to give up. "I need you..." It said. I opened my eyes to find myself in my room.

This guy needed me? What the heck! Usually you read stories or novels that start with a dream but in reality it never happens. Ha what now Vampires?! "Ally is that you? I heard some one talking and rustling in bed." Anna my older sister said quietly. I nodded in the darkness but i knew she saw.

She nodded to. "Come down stairs and eat I'm just going to work its 5 am. You be careful okay." She said quietly almost hard to hear. I nodded again and got out of bed. How many more dreams. How many? "Take a shower, Get dressed, and Come down." She said slowly then turned and walked away. I quickly flicked on my light.

The room was filled with a bright glow from the light. I quickly grabbed my clothes and my robe then made my way to the bathroom. The hallway had a familiar glow like usual it was dark but wasn't completely light. I quickly shut the bathroom door and flicked the light switch.

The water was hotter then usual so it wasn't really comforting. When i was done i wrapped my robe around me and dried my hair. When i was about dry i threw on brown caprees, blue converses, and a blue tank top. I threw my robe on the towel rack. I opened the door and gasped. It was my sister Alex. "You took up all the hot water! and don't say no because i see the steam!" She gasped.

I laughed but just walked past her. I saw her roll her eyes. I ran down the stairs and trippd on the last step. Anna caught me a shook her head. I smiled cheesy and darted for the kitchen. It smelled like apple oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies. I pasted the oat meal and grabbed a giant cookie. Anna fetched it away from me. "Seriously Ally oat meal first then desert." She said frowning.

I frowned at her but she walked away cookies in her hand. I grabbed a bowl of oat meal and Whirled my spoon around in it. I finally took a big bite and placed it on the floor next to me. "Biscuit time to eat." I whispered. The big yellow golden retriever trotted in grabbed the bowl in his jaws and carried it to his dog house.

I gasped as i saw a hand on my shoulder.

I quickly turned and saw my 7 year old psychic brother. "He doesn't want you Ally. He needs you. He's here you can't hide. If you deny you and his life will be in grave danger and your souls will never settle." He said in a trance. I had a panic attack he was alway right when he said something.

I quickly got up and grabbed my skateboard. "Thanks Johnny!" I yelled back to him. I ran to the side walked and jumped on my skate board. I was 5 blocks away when i hit a stick. I soared of my skate board. Clutching my leg i just sat there. Holding in the tears.

"Are you okay?" Said a very familiar voice. I looked up it was a boy about my age. He had tousled brown hair and blue eyes.."Yes, I'm fine Jane Patterson always puts up obsticals and today i totally forgot." I said looking and my badly banged up leg.

His stare burned my back. "Oh...So sorry I'm Danny Derez" He said quietly quickly shaking his head. "Ally Cherim nice to meet you." I said back not very polite. He held out his hand. I stared for a minute but grabbed it. He yanked me up. "Huh thanks cya later i guess?" I murmured then winced in the pain from my leg.

I still jumped on the skateboard and gave the ground a good kick. I was going pretty fast still avoiding the obsticals. I got to school in about 10 minutes. I was lucky i wasn't late. "O.m.g your so lucky you weren't late." My sister Alex said. I nodded she gasped. "Your leg Oh My Gosh your a idiot you fell! Look at that!" She said pointing to my leg. "I'm okay just another trick." I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Hey did you see the new boy." She asked. I atomaticly new who it was. "Um...Err...Danny Derez Brown Hair Blue eyes. Yep saw him he met me well i fell." I said with a smile. She stared at me. "Good first impression." She said under her breath.

I suddenly got hit in the arm. I turned around. "Hey...!" I froze. He stared at me not noticing his books on the floor. "Danny...Sorry about the books" I said kneeling down to gather his books. I got up and gave them to him. "Thanks...Ally right?" He said back. I nodded.

The bell rung. I waved and ran off. Danny went to the opposite door. "You and the new boy. Aww...." Alex said looking at me. I felt my cheeks getting red for the first time. I looked forward another new boy. He had pitch black hair violet eyes and a very quirky smile. I strangely knew this kid to and the words "'I need you'" Came to my mind.



The new boy turned his head and at the sight of me froze. I froze too. He stared a little and darted off into the door. Alex pushed me in the door with a come-on-wear-going-t o-be-late look. "Hey Ally i heard you tripped." The other Ally or Allison said. She stuck out her foot and i tripped. I landed just not on the floor. I stumbled backwards. "OH my gosh sorry!" I said looking into the familiar violet eyes. I blushed and ran down the hallway tears collecting in my eyes.

I ran to the off limits stair case. It was under construction but i didn't care. I slid down under a step with a hole. I sat there looking at the sun sense the stairs had no roof. I heard the stairs door slam. "Ally? Ally Cherim?" Said a husky male voice. I tucked my head between my legs. I heard as the person slid through the hole.

I froze. "Go away I'm serious this is off limits." I murmured. I heard him laugh. "Then why are you down here. And my name is Kyle." He said back. I just stared at the sky. "You already know who i am. I guess. I'm sorry about the hallway." I said. He froze. But made his way over to sit next to me. "How did you know it was me?" He asked curiously rubbing his thumb along the bottom of my eye probably getting the tears off.

"When i heard the name Kyle i immediantly thought about you. I'm sorry if i scared you i scare lot of people ever since I've had these strange dream." I murmured. He froze again his muscles tightening. The second bell rang and i stood up. "I got to go." I said quietly. I darted out sliding through the whole and sneakily opened the door.

"Ally there you are! I was worried you would get in trouble." Alex yelled giving me a Oh-i'm-gonna-tell look. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to our first period class.

I realized Danny is in my Gym class and Art class. And Kyle is in my social studies and math class. Uh what am i going to do. Two boys Two twins Haha One vampire. I just can't take it! I grabbed my sweatshirt from my locker and slid it on. I hid my eyes under the large hood.

I heard foot steps behind me.

I spun around. "Doctor Leuf?" I said confused. He wasn't James Leuf. He was different in a evil way. "James!" I heard a voice from the hallway. I looked up Danny? It was Danny. He froze when he saw me. His eyes were wide. "Maybe you should go. I really don't think its nessasary for you to be here at such a late hour..." He dragged on. I laughed. "Ditto." I managed to say. He frowned but i could tell he was serious. I rounded the hallway but stayed pressed to the wall.

I peered around the corner. Danny pinned down James Leuf. I walked out from hiding. "Hey you can't do that!" I said. He shot James with this weird gun and stood up dropping the gun. "A...Ally. I thought you left." He stuttered. "I saw it to." I looked up. It was Alex. "What you wished we left so you could slater the teacher? Nice timing Alex" I complimented. He slowly sat down his hands covering his facial expression. "Well is he dead?" Alex slowly said checking the teachers pulse. "Of course he's not I'm not evil." Danny said. He looked for a second.

I realized he was crying. I walked over to him. "What happened." He still sat there frozen. "I need you..." He whispered then it was silent. My head was filled with pain i grabbed my head and screamed. "Ally!" Alex screamed suddenly grasping her head. I looked at Danny he was knocked out. It was all quiet. My head raging. I heard a distant laughter then Danny was gone followed by Alex i was surrounded by smoke.

I heard a clicking and the same evil laughter. "Alyssa!" The voice boomed with a pause for laughter. "Come with me! You will be my bride and we will rule!" He added. Still laughing. His bride I'm freak in sixteen! Way to weird!

"Never!" I yelled. I saw a figure come from the smoke. It was a boy he had blonde hair. "If you wish the life of your sister you will." The boy said I could feel the warm liquid forming in my eyes. I nodded. Then the boy vanished the smoke cleared and i saw the hallway. Alex was gone. Danny was still next to me. I could tell he was in pain. "Danny!" I said shaking him. He quickly looked up at me his eyes beaming and glittering from the light.

"So your saying he told you to marry him!" Danny's eyes were wide with astonishment. I nodded. His face turned red and i immediantly saw the jeoulousy build up. "But i won't except." I quickly said. He nodded and cooled down.



"Okay we gotta find Alex." Danny said determined. I shook my head "No". He stared at me. "But..."He started. "But nothing Alex can handle herself if the worst comes i'll go I can't stay with you my life was normal till you came!" I interrupted him. I swiftly turned and walked away leaving him standing there.

***

"Hi Ally!" Johnny said. I stared at him. "He doesn't need me he's a freak and i want my life normal!" I yelled. He nodded slowly. And i stomped up the stairs. I ran in my room and jumped on Alex's bed. I tucked myself in the covers and sobbed quietly to myself.

****Danny View****

My mind was racing as i walked home. Going slower then usual. "Hey bro whats up!" I knew it was Kyle. "I'm not your brother and i want to stay alone." I said. 'He doesn't know anything about my life.' I thought. I heard the footsteps stop. "Yes i do. I know everything." Kyle said. I froze.

I swiftly turned. "Huh what did you say?" I said. He smirked. "I said...I do know what your going through." He said quickly. I stood there frozen as several minutes pasts. "Humph." I mumbled sitting down. He smiled. "How come I'm stuck with stupid dream surfing when you freak in have mind reading!" I yelled. He smirked again. "I'm also a shape shifter." He said.

My jaw dropped and i buried my head between my legs. 'ah!!' I screamed but it was muffled by my legs. He started laughing i looked up. "Ha but who said i was good." Kyle said with a evil smirk that brought out the devil in him. My eyes got huge. He walked up to me and gripped my neck i screamed and everything went black.

"Ally! You left your mind open!" I said. She slowly nodded but backed away from the direction I was. "Okay i only have two minutes. Because well lets just say you won't see me again oops wasting time! Okay find your sister but don't trust Kyle! I'm serious he's a shape shifter don't trust anyone not even me only in your dreams that is if i would be on this earth. Oops wasting! He also reads minds don't think anything about this dream bye Ally forever." I said.

My dream was cut off. The piercing pain struck my neck. "No more dreams lover boy." I was out my breathing was fading. In minutes I'd be gone.

***Ally's Veiw***

I opened my eyes to find my room. I quickly got out of bed. I realized my clothes were still on. I ran to the hallway and down the stairs. As i was passing my brothers room i heard a 'Yep i told you.' I rolled my eyes and ran out the front door. Instead of yelling Danny i yelled Kyle. "Yes?" I jumped but turned around. He must of saw my puzzled look.

"I um had a strange dream and i thought you needed me." Kyle said. I pushed him and pinned him on the church wall of the scraps from when theory torn down the church. He looked puzzled. "I KNOW!! STOP THE ACT I KNOW EVERYTHING!!" I screamed. His eyes were filled with terror. 'Stupid lover boy got to you!!! Ah i should've killed him faster!!!'"I'd fined out either way!" I yelled back.

He looked puzzled again. "I didn't say that but i thought thats" He said confused. I stared at him 'WHAT!
***Danny's View***

My eyes fluttered open. This is freak in hell! What the freak! 'It makes little hearts happy and big hearts to....' I quickly spun around. "Kid you look like you got stunned by head lights come sit down. When i found you on the street ya looked K.Oed" This old dude said. I just stared at him. "What I'm not freak in dead?! But huh?!? And huh may i ask what your name is. And i rather stand thank you." I replied. He laughed i blinked and he was in front of me but he was my age. "I'm Darren Warras. No your not dead but it took me a while to realize it. I'm a shape shifter and a tele porter." Darren replied. I blinked in a daze. "Wait your immortal! Dammit all! Oh...Uh....Danny Derez it's my immortal name. I'm a um...Stupid Dream surfer." I replied quietly.

***

"Okay Danny heres where i found you." Darren said. I placed my hand on my head. I felt the blood pulsing. My mind was raging her head is shut she's away Kyle!! I opened my eyes. I quickly got up. "Darren i need you to take me to the Torn Down! Its a Torn down church." I yelled. He nodded. "Ew sounds dirty but I'm in." We got there i saw Kyle he was Pinned to the wall? Hmm cool. I ran out. "Danny? You!" Ally said staring right at Darren. Darren screamed. I grabbed his wrist you tele port we'll do this the hard way. "Okay i surrender! Don't hurt me! I don't have her!" Darren yeld. Ally nodded.

"Let me freak in go!!! Dammit all!!" Kyle yelled. Ally screamed and grasped her head. i did the same. Kyle was standing there still pinned. "Miss me?" I knew that voice. "Alex" I asked questionly. She stared at me. I opened my eyes. Her eyes were a smoldering Scarlet.

She moved here hands in incredible ways and i saw chains digging into Kyle skin. He screamed then got silent. I saw as the chains slithered across the floor removing themselfs from Kyle. He fell to the ground bleeding in various places.

"Darren come here." Alex said. He tensed up like her voice was posioing. I ran in front of him as the chains attacked. I could feel my life draining away as i heard her laugh. "Danny!" Ally yelled. She ran and tackled her sister. "'What fools these mortals be.'" Alex said slyly. Than Ally and Alex were gone the chains removed leaving me Darren and The close to dead Kyle.

Ally Veiw
Alex what is this!" I asked coitionly. She laughed "Oh Ally I'm going to kill all of them starting with you." She laughed then it was gone i was back by the Torn Down with them.

I was crying. "Ally!" Danny said coming up and sitting in front of me. His eyes were curios but filled with worry he stared directly in mine. I blinked and we were in front of Sandra's house. "How do you do that?" I asked Danny. He stared at me questionablely. "Oh Dream surfing simple you just gotta focus and the mind has to be clear and open."
Tears built up in my eyes and i blinked them away. Danny grabbed my hand. "Its okay. Everyones alright." Danny said looking into my eye again. There was something different about the way his eyes were they were how do i put this passion it. "nobodys life is worse then this." I said quietly. "Wanna bet?" Danny said i blinked in confusion. "When i was four my parents neglected me i would draw them pictures they'd throw it on the floor I'd try to cheer them up they'd slam the door on me. Same in there dreams. One day they got in a fight. And i watched my father driving away begging and telling myself that he'd come back. He never did."

I stared at him i saw tears building in his eyes. "I moved with my Aunt Becky when i was 12. I went to school at Jefferson. It was good but then my secret got out that i wasn't normal. Two days after my Aunt died. So i moved here at age 14 now I'm 15 and I'm glad i met you. Its a heck of a good start." Danny said. I wrapped my arms around him he did the same. "Thank you for telling me." I whispered.

I leaned my head on his shoulders and started to cry.

We were back i quickly ran up to Kyle no pulse. "Kyle? Kyle speak to me." I whispered. He smiled. "I was never trying to be the bad guy." He said coughing and then dead silence death. Score one for The New Alex. Tears spilled out of my eyes. Danny came and patted me on the back.

"Come on Darren were not gonna kill you." Danny said. Darren stood up and walked over. They were gone. "Sweet invisibility." Darren said then they were back. It was hard to read Danny's expression.

Smoke came again this time i wasn;t alone it was me Danny and A Alex. Alex had a odd gun. And shot the bullet my direction. I screamed but wasn't hurt. "Danny!" I screamed he was dead? No he can't be not two deaths! "Danny don't leave me Danny!" I screamed sobbing. "Death comes to those god choices." He said quietly. "Bye..." Then his eyes shut and it was silent the smoke cleared. I put my head on Danny's chest and stayed like that sobbing all night.

"Come on Ally he's gone really no sign of life." Darren said. Score Two for the New Alex. "Darren you go. I'll save Alex and if i die doing it at least I'll no people in heaven" He hesitated but dissapeared. I rolled my eyes, "Go!" I yelled in a puff of smoke i new he was gone.

I walked home and silently went in and walked to my room. I climbed in Alex's bed. I drifted away. I was still crying. I opened my eyes. "Danny!" I yelled it was in front of the sea at a beach. Tears were in my eyes. "Danny!" I screamed again. Silence I slid down on my knees crying sobbing. "I love you Danny!" I yelled. He's gone life's gone and his life was finally turning bright!

I blinked i was in my room. My pillow was soken from tears. "Ally are you okay?" Anna my oldest sister asked. "No... " I replied. ..witch and she kill some one i think i love..." She looked at me. "I hope you find your way through your a talented women and a death was a reason to get revenge." Anna said she turned and walked down the hallway.

I stood up and started packing i will have my revenge.

I walked out of my house over to the Torn Down. Flowers in my hand. "Rest in Peace." I said quietly places the flowers in the middle. I turned around and was about to walk away but i felt some one holding my wrist. I heard coughing. I turned around. "DANNY!" I yelled. He was coughing. I helped him lean against the wall. "Ally i really can't keep coming back to life for you." Danny said with a laugh.

"Well lets hope this is the last time you'll die." I replied. He stared at his leg. "I feel like I’ve been laying on the floor for a day..." He said. I stared at him and nodded."What?!' He asked. "Nothing..." ; I said. I looked at Kyle and sighed. "Hey everyone!" I knew who it was. "Danny your alive again uh no offense been well will you die?" Darren said. We all started laughing.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow it got dark fast" I said winking at Danny. I ran towards my house. "Wait Ally!" Danny called i froze and turned around. "I'm kinda freak-ed out to be alone mind if i stay with you?" He asked. I hesitate and nodded. He stood up and ran towards me.

"Anna i have a guest doesn't have a house." I yelled. He gave me a look. Which met he did have a house. I dragged him to my room. I opened the closet door and walked in it was another room. "Here!" I said. His eyes got huge. "Thanks." He said. I walked out and shut the door.

Omg...Danny sleeping in my house weird. But freaking awesome! I changed in the bathroom took a shower and climbed in bed. I had a dream the beach again. "Hi Danny..." I said. He smiled. "Hello." He said. He came up and hugged me. "I'm glad your back..." I said. He smiled.

He pulled back so he could look me in the eyes. "You know something...I think i like you." He said quietly. And i immediantly know he met more then like. "You too." I said. He slowly leaned in and kissed me.

I know this was a dream but, we were really here this was really me and that was really him. It was amazing lets put it to that.Than we part both silent. "Sorry....Ally" Danny said after the silents got to him. "Its okay." I said back. He laughed a little "What?" That kiss was amazing thought then a I asked that. He nodded. "I never thought my first kiss would be with you." He said. I thought about a garden. And the scenery changed. "Woah! How's you do that?" Danny asked i smiled. "Your first kiss? You never kissed someone?" I asked. He nodded. "Oh and this is my dream." I said with a laugh. For some reason i hate giggling it sounds really girly.


"Ha Poof! Cool it worked!" It was Darren. We stared at him. "what did i miss?" He asked i rolled my eyes but Danny just nodded. "Hi dudes and girl." It was so familiar that voice. "Alex?!" My eyes where wide. She smiled. "Yep i want my bed back too." Alex said. Danny's eyes grew wide. "Okay Brb." I said. I closed my eyes and was in my room.

"Alex!" I said and i hugged her. I got up and walked to my bed across the room. "Night!" I called. "Welcome back to dream land." Danny greeted us. "Uh guys...Hi?" We all turned our heads and Darren fainted."Woah! K...Kyle?" I stuttered. He smiled.

"Miss me? I woke up on the floor and felt like i was strangled to death." He said. Danny stepped back. I shot him a look and he stopped in mid step. "Be nice or your out." I whispered he nodded and sat down.Kyle left, Then Alex, Then Darren. Danny didn't though. "Danny?" I said sitting in front of him.

He looked up at me. "Kyle...Just... " He started. "Just?" I asked he was quiet. "Forget it..." Danny said I shook my head. "Just what?" I asked again. "He makes me so freak in...jealous'He said the last word muffled as he buried his head in his arms.

I wrapped my arms around him. "Its okay. Good night." I said. And i left leaving him. I opened my eyes again. I was in my room. "Finally you wake up!" Said a voice. I rubbed my eyes. "Danny?" I asked. He nodded. "Alex is gone." Danny said. Huh?

"Gone but she just got back!" I gasped. He nodded i got out of bed. "Get dressed this time will actually save her." I said he nodded again and walked in the spare bedroom. I grabbed my clothes and changed in the bathroom AGAIN. I ran to my room and started packing.

"Done Ally." Danny said as he walked in. I put the last stuff in and turned around. I froze. He was well lets put it as HOT! He had ripped cargo pants a black shirt and brown convers. His hair was to the side almost covering his eyes with a slightly messy look. "Lets go" I said. He nodded. I grabbed a hair tie and made a quick ponytail.

I looked in the mirror before leaving. I had brown caprees a blue shirt and blue converes my hair neatly put in a pony tail. I ran down stairs to join Danny and we walked outside.

"Hey guys!" I jumped and turned around. It was Darren he was actually hotter then Danny. "Darren you gotta stop doing that!" I scowled. His eyes got apoligetic. "Sorry..." He said. His eyes were a dark green i just realized.

***

I laughed Darren was funny. "Yep thats why i don't put pop in the freezer." Darren said we both cracked up. Danny kept draggin behind. I heard him groan and i stopped walking. "Danny if your gonna mope we'll wait for you." I said and rolled my eyes. "Nah..." He replied it seemed like he choked it out.


I heard a gasped. "Danny?" I turned around he was gone. I blinked and i was on a cloud. "Woah cool." I mummbled to myself "AAH!!" I looked up and felt the cloud shake "Danny?" I askede again. He spit out cloud people. " Did you do this Ally?" He asked puzzled. I shook my head and heard the same laugh. "Pop!" I screamed and spun around.

"DARREN!!! DID YOU DO THIS." I yelled he frowned. "I started it. I want to help you well me and my sister." I looked infront of me. Woah. "I'm Chris...And this is Jacqueline." He said. They had blonde hair with what looked like naturaul blonde highlights. "You guys can call me Jacky" The girl said. I nodded.

"Whats another person. Or two." I said. "Oh thanks Chris is 17 and i'm 15 we really don't like the guy thats doing this." Jacky said. "Ya he killed the rest of are family." Chris added. I froze.


It was dark my dreams didn't show up. I stirred and yawn ed. i was awake i think. "D...Danny" ; I whispered i was scared to be alone outside in the night. His eyes fluttered open he stared at me with curios eyes. "Can't get to sleep?" I crawled over to sit next to him. He slowly nodded. "Why arent you asleep?" He asked me. I froze i breathed lightly. "Wake Up!" I screamed. Chris and Jacky Jumped up at once Darren sleepily got up. "What is It?!" Danny yelled grabbing my arm. Its coming Alex is dead it killed her its coming for us. It will kill my friends not me it doesn't dare. It knows there powers it knows there weakness. It can kill me it can kill us all. We'll die. Slowly. One. By. One. Except me he wants me to watch. To experience more pain.

I breathed hard and tears welled in my eyes. I slowly got up brushing Danny's arm off and sprinted in to the forest brush. I heard footsteps. "Leave me alone!" I yelled i ran faster. I stopped at a small opening. There was a amazing view from a high cliff. I new the only way to get away was to go down it.

I swiftly jumped off realizing how much of a idiot i was. I froze in midair. Flying me? I saw a cliff and a small cave. I floated over to it softly landing. I ran in the cave. it was dark. I went out and gathered roots growing on the side of the cliff. i ran back in and put them down lighting a match i started a fire.

It was a small cave no holes. It was probably 7 feet long very small. "Pop!" I screamed and turned around. I sighed. "Again i though i told you to stop!"
I yelled at Darren. He made himself small in the corner avoiding eye contact. I sighed again but let it go. "Danny's scared." He whispered. "Jacky keeps seeing a death. Or more. She can tell how and when its scary." I turned to look at him i knew to but i couldn't tell them.

I rummaged threw my bag and found a bag of chips. I threw them at him. "Go back! Tell them I'm fine i want to be alone." I said he nodded.

I struggled with my mind reading the shielding spell. It worked my mind calmed. I walked out and gasped. A boy was standing there looking of the cliff. He had very light blonde hair. "Your smart." He spoke first. "I'm Joshua." Oh great another boy come on people have to start thinking I'm a slu....bad girl lets stick with that.

"Um..yeah listen i have to many boys on this same subject." I managed to squeak. He laughed. "Oh i can deal with everyone but Danny." He said. I froze. It was him. He swiftly turned. His eyes were a Icy Cold Blue. He had a evil smile on his face."Danny" I squeaked again. He laughed. "Oh yes Danny he has the looks the attitude and the girl but he doesn't have the strength or will power." He smirked

With one long slide he was right in front of me. I ran to the edge of the cliff and swiftly jumped off. I bolted to the bottom. And froze a few feet from the ground and landed nicely. I sprinted of not knowing where. "Ally! Its me Jacky." I turned around. It can change turn you against your friends. I screamed. With one move it was him. He pinned me to what looked like a Cedar Tree.

I kicked him in the gut. He clutched his stomach coughing. "Yep Gymnastics." I smirked and pushed him into a tree. He Laughed. "Kill me I'm done with my work" He said mockingly. I froze. Danny! I backed up and ran. I floated back to are camp. Dead. "Let it go...They wouldn't listen." A hand placed on my shoulder. Jacky the real one her eyes were modest. I turned at Danny's body. Tears in my eyes and then i turned and me and Jacky walked off eyes glistening.

Towards what looked like the sunrise.

Chapter 2 Frozen Tears


I still remembered that day. When i lost Alex, Danny, Darren, Chris, And maybe myself. Jacky moved on went to school hung out with the school 'Royal' I guess i kinda moved on to. Except i got to the cemetery every day after school. But see i did that before they died. By they i mean my parents. "Hello? Ally? I know its hard but its been a long time." I stared at Claire Joneson. She got me when i came back the next year she new something was wrong for the start.

"Yeah i know its just they were nice. And..." I Stepped off of the side walk and on to the grass. It was a short cut. Claire followed she always did. "Um you know i will get over it!" I said and i swiftly turned

Astonishment filled Claire eyes. "Wha..."I stopped her. I grabbed her arm and dragged her away. We walked for a while and Claire stopped. "Stop following us." She whispered and quickly turned around. There stood a boy with light brown hair and blue eyes stared at me in astoniment.

"Huh..I think i know you." He said his voice was mellow. I looked confused. "Oh by the way I'm Darren." He said. Darren where did i hear that before. I don't know. "Oh well there's a party tonight. At Dukes house. You um wanna go Darren you look new." Claire said shyly. He nodded.

After Claire was dropped off and Darren left i ran inside. I gasped. "Hi baby startled you?" It was my boyfriend Joshua. He put his lips on mine and pulled back. He slowly walked out the door. He lips were ice cold like usual.

I was dressed a black shirt and a white skirt. I clipped a butterfly clip in my hair. I quickly got in to the car and my aunt started driving away.

When we got to the party we could here the music pounding. I kissed my aunt good bye and ran to join Claire and the new guy Darren. "Darren says he remembers a death in this areas forest." Claire said. Darren nodded. "I know thats were some of my friends died instead of Jacky." I said strictly.

I felt a arm around me Joshua. Darren froze eyes on Josh, "I um gotta go bye." He stuttered. I grabbed his arm. "No stay it'll be fun." I insisted. He shook his head. "Go! Go quickly use it your power before its late." Claire said quickly he stared at her but nodded.

In a puff of smoke he was gone. "Darren..." ; I whispered. I quickly pushed away from Joshua.

"Hello Baby you okay." That voice it was him. At the cliff. 'You were smart sending him away.' or 'Danny's good looking and funny but not strong in actions and will.' I pushed away from him. "Baby." Josh said holding me close. "Let go of me i remember i need to find Darren.

"Pop." I spun around. "Took you long enough to figure out this guy killed your boyfriend Danny." Darren said leaning against the wall. I ran to and he wrapped his arms around me. "Your alive!" I said. He nodded and smiled. Claire looked at him and grabbed his hand. We were in the forest 'the' were he died.

"Look gone." Darren said pointing at the spot Danny died in. I nodded. "He's alive. Ally. They are. Searching. Searching for you." Claire said her eyes wide. "I'd be like Darren and say pop but i know how much you hate that. Who's you weird friend?" Darren Claire and me turned at once. He laughed.

"D...Danny.&quo t; I stuttered. 'No Ally! Its not him don't follow!' I heard a crack and Danny fell to the ground. "God i hate you Josh." The figure that looked like Danny changed.

"I feel like my head got twisted backwards." I looked up this time it was him eyes senser. He had a knife with him. He slowly back up and ran. Ran away from me.

'See you in your dreams.' i heard in my head.
It's been two weeks since that day. I'm scared i know Danny's changed. I know he's mad. But i can't help to think there may be a way to get him back. Claire ran past me "Hurry up will be late for the bus!" She yelled. Then i could see her figure stop. I walked up next to her.

"Danny?" I asked. He just stared at me. "Danny i know you mad but...." I was interrupted. "You don't know anything." He said calmly. I sighed. "Then tell me." I said re leaved he was finally talking. He just stared. I turned around and walked towards Ricky and Shanes house they'd give me and Claire a ride home.

I froze Danny was right in front of me. "You've changed leave me alone." I said turning again. I just stood there and waited no reply. I could hear him take a couple steps back. "Tsk Tsk. Finally act life yourself Danny the sudden rage of death plumbing threw you." Josh stood next to me he must of survived the blow.

I stared at Josh. "Oh he didn't tell you? Oh wow would you like to tell or me?" Josh asked Danny. Danny just stared, "I will tell. Your Ex killed over 26 over populated city's in 5 days. He's a killing machine. Let me add that won't die." Josh said with that devil like smirk.

Danny was about to talk but quickly shut his mouth. My Danny was gone. "You never told me" I said quietly. "You didn't need to know." He snapped. I realized Darren was standing next to me. "What have you told me Danny! You should leave! Go get away from me! Your not the Danny i know! The Danny i want to talk to! The Danny I trust!!!!" I yelled he flinched.

"Fine! I will leave. I will kill you once and for all Josh Mark it!" Danny snapped again and turned and ran. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Josh was talking with Claire as they walked off. "I'm glad there gone." Darren said different there was evil. In a flash his arm was around my neck and a sharp pain went through my chest.

I blacked out.

"Ally? Ally are you okay?"I opened up my eyes. "Josh? Claire?" I croaked. I felt arm slide under my back and i was lifted in the air. "I thought you want me dead." I said to josh. He laughed. "At first i thought it was a competition to get you. But now there's two more players and its a matter of life and Death. And now the prize is to save or kill you.

Your the prize some want you alive some dead. I say Danny and Darren are the players on the other side." He said. "No not Danny. I believe him." I said then cried out in pain.

The pain was my heart not my wound.

I went to the forest where i first saw Danny back alive. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was freezing the winter air hitting me as i stood there the wind whipping my hair. "I wish it would stop.." I muttered to myself. Everything froze i blinked and it was sunny and hot like a summers day. I could just picture Danny's face.

I laughed to myself. "I wish i could have that power" I turned a guy with light brown hair...and Wings?! The wings dissapeared as he landed on the ground. "Well that power looks pretty cool to..." I said back. He smiled. "I'm Ceaser. This is wear you lost your old friends?" He said. I glared at him. "Alyssa. But you can call me Ally. And yes." I said quietly.

"I lost my friends to they lived but they weren't the same..." Ceaser muttered. Feelings pounded in my head. Mostly sorrow and sadness..A hint of sorriness. "I must go now cya soon" He said the wings appeared and he left.

I was alone again. The pain in my heart came back. A knife flew at me. I dodged it my heart pounding rapidly. A hand grabbed me and another wears over my mouth. I tried to scream. Eighteen knifes flew across the air. The person that grabbed me hesitated. "Hmm..I knew he was coming i should've made a better plan" I recognized that fake humor.

Danny. He ducked down. Then i was gone. Well i was at the school. "Ally..!" It was Clair and Joshua. "Are you okay!" Claire yelled hugging me. I noticed my breathing was heavy. "Yes...Danny..H e saved...M..e"I stuttered everything went black.

I woke up everything was white. "Ally?" My eyes fluttered open. Joshua. "Claire went to get something to eat." He said. "Are you sure Danny saved you?"He added. I nodded."Look&qu ot; He pointed to my shoulder. I gasped a cloth was wrapped around it. Thats were Danny grabbed me.

*Danny's Point*

Darren ran when i sent Ally away. I stared at my hand. A hole was in it was the knife. I just hope it wasn't that bad on Ally. I can't act like myself. I can think just not act. I'm scared to talk to her. It was raining raindrops hitting my head. This rain just makes it worst i thought. I blinked at it was sunny. Welcome. I heard Ally's voice in my head.

I rubbed my eyes. Clear as can be it was sunny. "Your girlfriend has a amazing power..." I turned around. It was Ceaser. "What Girlfriend?" I asked puzzled. "Oh yeah she's falling for some one else." He said.

I tried to stop myself from punching him in the nose. I sat down and put my head in my hands it started raining again.

"You know Darren’s not the one tearing you up Danny...Your tearing yourself up." Ceaser pointed out. I know..."Darren’s just helping." I laughed uncertain. I met Ceaser. He was the one who brought me back. "Ceaser I'm trying to make everything right but...I just can't!" I said.

He smiled. "You can't touch her without hurting her Danny. Thats just as i planned it when you lived." He said smugly then flew off. I glared at the sky jaw dropped. "I HATE YOU!" I screamed. "I KILL YOU!" I kicked a tree and surprisingly it fell. I watched it fall in astonishment. "Cool..." I muttered to myself.

I heard a laugh. I looked around. Darren was standing right in front of me. "Danny pick a side. My side or Ceaser’s and Joshua’s ." He said smugly. I hate smugly tones! "Ceasers not on Joshuas side." I said calmly. He smiled. "Oh...There going to kill Ally when they have the chance. It at least turn her on you." He said. I glared at him.

"You'll kill her too..." I muttered. It hurt me to talk about her. "Yes..I will...But i will do it quick and you can die with her. I won't try to keep her for myself. I wont try to take it from you." He said calmly. I covered my ears.

**Ally's View***


Okay breath breath...Danny wouldn't have hurt me. "No..no Danny wouldn't!" I said determined. Joshua frowned. "But he did he's changed." Josh said calmly. I got out of the hospital bed. "Woah woah you need to sit down" Josh said. I shook my head "I'm fine" I said. He opened his mouth to say something. "Don't tell me what to do" I said before he could start. I sprinted out the door i needed fresh air.

****

Home never felt so good. The beds the family. All that was missing was Alex. Oh Alex. I had to find Danny though. I walked over to the torn down. It was still here. "You can't touch him Ally" I looked up Ceaser was there his wings shown brightly in the light. "What?" I asked confused. He smiled. "You. Can't. Touch. Danny. And its my fault." He said and laughed.

"You wouldn't!" I yelled. He smirked. I closed my eyes and pictured a thunderstorm. I opened my eyes and saw thunder and flashes of lighting. "Leave. Now." I said calmly.

Ceaser slowly backed away. "Go!" He jumped and flew away. "Alyssa?" I looked up Claire was looking at me. "You..did this?" She asked I nodded. She smiled "I have powers to" She said. I looked at her."Make a wish" She said. "I wish i could touch Danny" I said.

***Danny view***

I sighed. "I wish i could touch Ally.."I said to myself. I started coughing like heck. And i fell on my knees.

***Ally view***

I started coughing. Claire was patting my back. "We have to go to the forest the cliff you and Josh first really met" She said. I glared at the torn down. Okay i thought.

Running is hard. Harder then expected.My feet padded across the concrete. I looked at my feet. Trying to concentrate. I stopped running and looked for Claire she wasn't with me. "Claire!" I yelled. No answer. "Who are you?" I jumped. "Whose there!?!?" I mumbled. There was a pause. "Hey i asked you first." It was a boy i could tell. I turned around to face him.

He had a big newly made gash going down the side of his face. His hair was a light brown maybe even blonde. He was wearing all brown. "I'm Ally I'm looking for my friend Danny." I said quietly. "ALLY!!!!!!"I heard Claire yell I heard her feet. Then they stopped. "Jadden?!?" ; She said confused. The boy looked up at her "Claire?" Claire Smiled. "Am i missing something?!?!" I said. Claire and Jadden both shook there head no.

"We ran into each other like last year." Claire went on. Jadden just nodded he was feeling the same pain i was. I stopped walking. Jadden looked back at me and stopped walking to. But Claire kept going talking to herself. "So your name is Jadden?" I asked. He nodded.

"And yours is Ally?" He retorted. I nodded too. "Okay who's Danny?" He added. I tensed up. "He's a friend of mine he's helped me alot. But he left me." I said quietly. Jadden walked up to me and put his arm around me. "If he left is there some reason why you want to go back?" I shook my head. I thought for a minute 'If he left me should i go back?'

"I guess we shouldn't go if he really was a good friend then he would come and get me." I replied. Jadden didn't smile. He wasn't like Josh trying to convince me he was just trying to know me.

"I'm sorry..." Jadden said quietly. I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Thank you Jadden" I whispered.

Standing here with Jadden made me feel something i hadn't felt in a while. It was a slight flutter in my heart something i only felt with Danny. "You know...When i saw you i didn't think we'd actually talk," Jadden almost whispered. I looked up at him. "What do you mean?" I asked.

He smiled. "I mean i thought you would ignore me because I'm not special. I don't have awesome powers like others. Like you." He said. I almost forgot he was normal.

"I don't really care i used to think i was normal and i actually liked it better." I said. I heard Claire yelling for us she finally noticed. "Lets go..." Jadden said. I nodded. "Race ya!" I yelled then darted off.

I heard his feet padding across the ground. I was almost to Claire when a big gust of wind hit me. And i fell backwards. "Oh you okay!?!?" I looked up Jadden was far ahead of me. He saw my puzzled look and smiled. "I said i wasn't special i didn't have a amazing power speed isn't amazing." He yelled.

I frowned. "Oh Ally please i didn't mean it. I was gonna tell you!" Jadden said and in a gust of wind he was next to me. He put his arm and me. I shrugged it off.

"Oh please Ally" I stood up. His hand caught my wrist and he stood up. "Ally! Its just a little thing." I ignored him. I blinked and he was in front of me. He had a tight grip on both my arms. I didn't know what was happening his eyes seemed to hold mine.

He slowly leaned down. His lips met mine. I heard a gasp. I immediately knew it was Claire. We broke about breathing heavily. "I....I'm sorry.." I nodded. I slowly walked towards the way Claire walked.

"Claire!" I yelled. She ran into me and we both fell. "I thought you guys were following me i got scared when i didn't see you. And i saw somebody in the woods." Claire said between shivers. "What?!?!" Me and Jadden yelled at the same time.

"Yeah it was me."

"D...Danny" ; I said as i turned around to face him. His hair was a darker brown almost black. "Yeah nice to see yea too!" He said. He had a smile on my face but i knew he didn't mean it. He was the one who gasped he saw us.

"I'm gonna let you guys catch up." Jadden said. He grabbed Claire’s wrist and sped away. "You saw?" I said as soon as they were gone. Danny expression was hard to read. "Yeah...It doesn't matter though. Your life." Danny said. I shook my head. "Danny stop lying. It does matter to you" I said.

"Yes, it does. But its your life." He said. I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around him. He tensed up. "I'm glad your yourself. I know about Ceaser and i know thats over." I said. He wrapped his arms around me too.

"Your boyfriend is a speeder? And I'm a stupid dream surfer. No wonder he got you." Danny said. I frowned. "Danny. Are you jealous?" I asked. He smiled a bit. "I was always jealous, i always liked you Ally." He said.

"I'm sorry." I said. He smiled which was actually filled with happiness. "Its okay I'm just glad to see you again."

I smiled too. "Thank you." There was a pause. "Just friends?" Danny asked. I looked at him. "For now..." I replied. He winked at me and we both started laughing like heck.

"You trust him?" I sighed again. "Shut up Jadden" I sighed. I rolled my eyes. "I don't like him...How can you trust him?" Jadden went on. "Shut up Jadden" I repeated. "Yeah shut up!" I stopped walking. "You shut up to Danny." I said and started walking again.

"Your boyfriends are annoying Ally" I sighed. And stopped walking. A gust of wind knocked me down. "What can you do?" I looked back and Jadden was in front of Danny. "Dream Surfing...Now leave me alone." Danny replied. "Jadden you knocked me down." I complained.

Jadden was next to me in a flash. "Sorry." He said and helped me up. He was about to run back but i grabbed his wrist. "Leave Danny alone." I said calmly he obeyed and walked straight again.

"Hey guys i see water!...And a girl?!?!" Claire spoke up. "Silva!!" Danny yelled as we got closer. The girl turned. "Danny! Hello!" The girl spoke she walked gracefully up to Danny.

"Who are your friends?" The one named Silva asked. "Claire, Ally, and that guy." Danny said. The last word was more of a his. "That guy?!?" Silva said.

"Jadden." Jadden said to Silva. She smiled and nodded to him. "My names Silva. I have a witch and a human form." She said. I could have swear Danny said 'Stupid Dream Surfing' under his breath.

"Yeah we go way back." Danny said. Jadden stared at Danny. "What happened in your past who have you killed?" Jadden said that calmly. Danny's head shot up.

"nobody..." ; Danny said. "12 towns, 28 hobos...And trees." Jadden said then he fell backward. "Jadden?" I helped him stand. "What happen did your friend push me?" Jadden’s eyes were on Danny.

"No!" Danny and me said together.

"Jadden keep it up and I'm leaving you." I said i was so annoyed. "I'd catch up." Jadden said with his I'm all good act. "I'm stopping here for the night i don't even know where were going!" I said and i walked over to a tree. I sat down and leaned against it.

Danny came over and sat next to me. "Jadden’s annoying you too?" Danny said. I looked at him. "Shut up Danny enough fighting." I said. He looked at him. "Don't trust him!" Jadden yelled at me. Danny rolled his eyes. "Look who's talking."

I frowned. I stood up levitate levitate. I started heading up then stopped in the air. Now weather. Two lighting rays shot out of my hands and gave a jolt to Danny and Jadden. "Ow" They said together.

"Woah woah back up you can levitate?" Danny said. I nodded "And control weather, read minds, and block my mind." I added. Danny was about to say something. "Don't even make fun of your own power." Danny frowned.

"But it sucks." Danny complained. "POOF!" I jumped. "AH!" I screamed. Darren. "Why'd you scream. and why am i alive? and how the heck did i find you guys?"

"I fell face forward but Danny caught me. Darren was gone. "Stay were you are!" I looked up. A girl with pitch black hair was standing there a sword in her hands.

Danny dropped me but it didn't hurt. The girl took her sword and swiped it at Danny it missed his nose by a inch. Danny was calm and just stood there. "Danny i missed you." The girl said slowly. "I am Kairiaz." Danny and me looked at each other. Danny shrugged.

"You don't remember me!" Kairiaz yelled. Danny blinked and tried to focus on her. "Hi Danny." Danny and i spun around. A girl with also black hair was there. It was like Danny had a big? on his head.

"I'm Katomo." The second girl said. Katomo. "Hola Katomo! Nice to see my little ugly again." Katomo's eyes shot up right to Jadden. "You beat me once Jai not again." Katomo said then she leaped toward him. He dodge easily.

"Not again you sure?" Jadden said. She frowned in frustration.Kairiaz jumped towards Danny. Danny flinch as the sword pierced his arm. "Poof..AH!! Girl Fight!" Darren was back he ran and grabbed me and Claire’s shirt. We were gone in a house.

"Stay here." Darren said then disappeared. "Weather, Weather, Weather." I mumbled. If it worked Kair and Kat would be soaked. "Hola I’m Jerry." I jumped as a hand touched my shoulder. "This is Jarred." The girl with blonde hair pointed to a boy sitting on the couch his hair was pitch black.

"Sup." Was all Jarred said. "He doesn't talk much." Jerry said. She smiled a warm smile. "I'm Ally and this is Claire." I said pointing to Claire who wouldn't stop shivering. "I won't hurt you. I'm a neko and he's something." Jerry said pointing to Jarred. Jarred got up and walked over to us.

"I'm half wolf. Nice to meet you." Jarred said holding out his hand. I shook it but Claire was still scared. "Ow, Ow that was freaking girl power." Me and Claire turned around. "Danny? Jadden?" I said. "Yeah your ex got beat up by that weird chick." Jadden said. Danny punched Jadden in the arm.

Jadden didn't dodge it he didn't see it coming.



I stood up. I scanned the room. This was a nice house. "You know you should get to sleep." I jumped and turned around. It was Jarred. "Why aren't you asleep?" I asked suspiciously. He frowned. "I sense danger." He said calmly.

My eyes got big. "Did someone say danger?" I heard a loud crash. I spun around in the direction Jarred was looking at. "Joshua!" I screamed. A piece of wood flew at me. Jarred hit it with his arm. "We have to get out of here. He's here for you." Jarred said. A gust of wind blew me down. "Stop it Jadden!" I yelled his arms were on mine. He pulled me up. "Sorry." Jadden said.

"Lets go!" Jarred yelled. I tried to run towards the rooms. Jarred caught my wrist. "But Danny." I yelled. "Let's go." Jarred said. I gave up. Be careful Danny. Jadden grabbed me and but me on his back. "Meet you there. Jadden." Jarred said. Jadden ran out the door. The cool breeze felt good.

A wolf howled next to us and Jadden tripped. "Oof! Sorry." Jadden said helping me up. We were in a dessert. the wolf stopped next to us and in a blink Jarred replaced the wolf. "Hola Jarred." Jadden said. Jarred waved to him.

"Oh i hope Danny's okay." I mumbled. Jadden rolled his eyes. "Let him go." Jadden said. I looked up. A big dark cloud covered us. "We have company." Jarred said.

Me and Jadden looked ahead. A girl stood there like a ghost in the night. "I'm Serina. The darkness is your foe. Mine as well." The girl said.

Me and Jadden blinked a couple times then focused on the girl. "I'm Ally, Thats Jarred, and Jadden." I said pointing to Jarred and then to Jadden. Serina smiled and nodded. But quickly frowned.

"I'm sorry but, you cannot go back to your friends no ones safe. I can sense good in you so I’m asking for help in defeating the very thing that could kill this world." Serina said with misery. Jarred and Jadden nodded. I hesitated but nodded.

"Then let us go. The darkness is catching up to time." Serina said. We started walking the moon is are only light guided by the stars.

Chapter 3 Shadow Realm



"Oh i hope...." I was interrupted. "Let it go" Jadden said. Whenever i talked about Danny he would always say "Let it go" I stuck out my tongue at him. He smiled. "You guys are acting like 5 year olds" Jarred said as he sat down.

"Maybe we are 5" Jadden challenged Jarred. "if you were actually five, that would answer a lot of questions." Jarred said. Jadden accepted defeat. "I'm 108 years old but my power keeps me young" Serina chimed in. Jadden rolled his.

"That answers plenty of my questions. Why the heck do you talk like your from the eighteen hundreds? Talk so we can un-der-st-an-d y-o-u." Jadden said putting 'understand you into silibles. Serina rolled her eyes back.

"Fine! Take this rocky show off!" Serina yelled a blue mist came from her hands and Jadden fainted. Serina smiled. Jarred put his thumbs up. "Good job piece and quiet." Jarred said. I smiled back at her.

"I'm a spirit user, the spirits of unwanted souls help me. I also know some kick...Um..As..But martial art moves." Serina said. She stopped herself from saying a bad word i realized that much.

"You don't like cursing?" The question slipped out. She smiled a humble and modest smile. "My people and my mom use to worship a god called Myokiay. To worship her we were not aloud to cuss or use innapropriate language. If we didn't then she would guide us throughout opsticals" Serina said.

I heard a cough and Jarred start laughing. "That wasn't nice! You bit..." I interrupted him. "No innapropriate language! When were with her." I said calmly. His jaw dropped. "She still is one." Jadden mumbled and went to sit next to Jarred.

Serina and me smiled at each other.

"Walalala!!” I rolled my eyes. "Shut up Jadden..." I said. He frowned. And stopped walking. I did too. "Whats with you?" Jadden asked. I stared at him. "What do you mean?" I asked. He frowned again. "Ever since that guy came back you treat me like...Cr...you treat me bad. What happy he ditched you!" Jadden yelled.

Jarred walked up. "Its not the time to argue." He said. Jadden pushed Jarred back."This is the time Jarred! It is the time!!" Jadden yelled. Jadden took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry just please" Jadden sat down. "Jadden this year has been the most dramatic. I wanted to live a normal life! But this isn't it. So i think we should all take a break and forget who we are and start over!" I yelled. I backed up. "No...Don't!” He yelled i was gone.

I ran for my life he would catch up. But i had to make my path hard. "ALLY!!" I kept running. Their voices would make me run more.i was losing my mind. "Stop!" I froze. "Where are you going? Are you crazy? Leaving like that." I flinched. "Leave me alone Danny." I backed up.

His eyes widened. "Whats wrong?!?" Danny asked. I shook my head and laughed. "Danny i'm not a baby! I'm not your responsibility!! I'm me! We never had something no spark! Leave me alone!! Or else." I yelled

I took a step forward. "No..." He whispered.

I Ran Towards Him. He Would Die For That Word.



Danny screamed as my fist swung at him. "What the heck!!" He yelled. He flipped back. "Stop showing off this isn't anything." I yelled. I got down and swung my foot. It hit his ankle and he fell back. "No isn't the right answer." I whispered.

He struggled to get up. I jumped up and put my foot on his chest. "No is my answer!" He yelled. He shifted. I stumbled but gained balanced. I swung my leg and hit his head as hard as i could with my foot.

He gasped and grabbed my foot that was on his chest. He pushed on it. I fell backwards. He struggled to get up. Dizzy from the kick. I saw blood from his nose and the side of his head were i kicked him.

"i'm stronger then you! Ally! But i refuse to hurt you!" Danny said. He was on his feet. He stumbled back. Rocks cracked it was the cliff. "Goodbye Danny" I said. I pushed him back and he fell to his death..I laughed. I'm a idiot.

^^^Yo, its Danny's point 'O View^^^

I opened my eyes. What the ..Heck. I opened my eyes. I was in a house..I heard noise. I looked up another girl i'm a lucky guy. Wait i just got pushed off a cliff by a girl. Give me a break.
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I'll have to admit, I stopped reading this halfway because I had no idea what the heck was going on. The best thing you can do right now is learn grammar. I'm pretty sure you could have killed an English teacher with this story. You have no commas, you randomly decide to capitalize things that aren't capitalized and undercase things that are capitalized, you don't start a new paragraph when someone speaks, your style is amazingly confusing, reading this is simply unbearable. I have no clue what is going on. The plot is marching along way too fast, and considering I can't understand half of it, you can imagine why I figuratively threw this down in disgust. The best thing you can do for this piece is have someone like your English teacher or a friend that writes as well that will look over it for you. Believe me, they love to help. Once your aide makes it palatable, you need to slow things down, let the readers get used to your characters before thrusting them into weird situations.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was allergic to peanuts. He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the side of the mountain, and a rock fell on him and he died.
Moral of the story: Expect the unexpected.
Like fried sushi.




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Oh... wow! That is a pretty long chapter. o.o Luckily, that's how I like 'em. ^_^ But I also saw that you posted more than one chapter. You see, that's a tad off-putting for reviewers, so for future reference could you please post one chapter at a time? Thanks! :D

Okay, so I'm going to critique just chapter one tonight because sadly I don't have time for much else. :( But I hope it helps with the rest of your chapters.

I'll pick out a few errors, but I think I see some spelling and capitalization mistakes that I'll point out, as well. You should cover that when you revise this. ^_^ And now to the nitty-gritty...

First off, capitalization! :D I saw a few "i" 's in there, which is a big no-no when writing. You capitalized "said" somewhere, too, after the dialogue. Here's an example of proper dialogue:

‘Your fidelity once again astounds me, and your nerve has yet to be decided upon.’ Anabelle spoke from behind in a hushed tone, for the words were only meant for one. Although, Anabelle may have once wished otherwise. Betrayal, she felt, deserved to be openly voiced, or rather in this case, forewarned.

‘Ah, young Annabelle, I see you now attend my Sunday services,' said Mr. Delson nonchalantly.

‘Indeed,’ she said not too accede for my statement, rather for her own. Her poise resembled none of what Mr. Delson recalled, so the next thing coming from his mouth he deeply regretted.

‘I expected you to have taken to a lad by now,’ Mr. Delson voiced to match the confidence. Jaw set as firmly as his feet, he gave no notice to the loathing emanating through the air; it crackled awaiting cataclysm.

-The One to Rise, The One to Fall

Sorry, it's not edited yet but you get the point. Comma goes there, capitalization here. So I'm expecting proper dialogue and capitalization from you now! :P

Now, on to spelling- my favorite! *cackles*

I saw a few words that should have been put together, like "down stairs" should be 'downstairs'. Also 'to' and 'too' have separate meanings. They're easily confused, though. 'Then' and 'than' are different as well. Deciphering between the two easily comes with practice, and you'll get it eventually.

I think I'm going to wrap my critique up with awkward phrasing and hooking your reader. Let's use your first paragraph as an example:

I was breathing heavy running towards the light blue house that i noticed to be my best friend Sandra's. I was coughing my brain hurting from having to deal with the situation. "Ally You cant run from me..." Said the male voice that frightened me the most in my dreams. "Leave me alone...!" I said in a series of coughs. I ran more but knew i should slowly give up.


Okay, so usually I tell writers to lay off on the commas but you're lacking them. Commas are a wonderful creation, you see. They give your sentences structure and put pauses where they are needed. Let’s see how this looks spruced up and with commas-

I was breathing heavily as I ran towards the light blue house. It was the house I knew well, my best friend Sandra’s. Overtaken by racking coughs, my brain began to hurt from having to deal with with so much. The whole situation was just too overwhelming.

"Ally, you cant run from me," said a frightening male voice. The same voice I knew in my nightmares.

"Leave me alone!" I screamed, followed by a series of coughs. I kept running though I knew the best thing to do was give up.

It's not perfect, but you get a feeling for the natural pauses. Also, if you'd like to make your writing have a nice flow to it look it over again, again, and again! Revision is key, and also differentiates from an okay writer to an excellent one. :D When you start off writing is a shaky hand making sloppy letters, but as you keep trying you'll get to be great and make that flowing cursive. That's why YWS is so amazing, because it helps you grow so much as a writer. So keep at it!

Also, let’s talk about hooks! Here’s an example of a hook, and it’s from your first chapter. :D

"Never why do you want me!" I screamed. The figure stopped moving as to give up. "I need you..." It said. I opened my eyes to find myself in my room.


I personally thought when your antagonist responded to “why do you want me?” “I need you...” was a unique, interesting enough answer. That’s just what a hook is- something interesting and unique. Here’s an example of an opening hook:

I bit into the flesh of the peach and watched its slime ooze between my fingers. It left streaks like a snail’s, only the juice cleaned the grime off rather than left a mess.

Short, sweet, and to the point. Just something eye-catching enough to have a reader want more.

Well, I didn’t critique much on content, but basics are good, too. I can’t wait to see this revised, so PM me when you do go back and check it over! :D

Oh, and welcome to YWS! I’m Selene *shakes hand* and it’s lovely to meet you. ^_^ We have a rule here for reviewing and posting your work. It's called the 3:1 ratio rule and that means you need three reviews for every piece you post. So you better get crackin' on those reviews! :D It must be at least 50 words, or 250 characters long, or it will not count as a review. Try and point out mistakes to other writers to help better their writing, and some will even return the favor!

Also, might I suggest posting in the Welcome forum since you’re new? That way you’ll get Greeters introducing you to the site and showing you the rules.

So I hope I wasn’t too harsh. :/ But I also hope I helped! If you have a question, feel free to PM me.

~Selene
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.



No one achieves anything alone.
— Leslie Knope