Falling in love can be hard Chapter one draft

THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT A PROPER PEICE OF WRITING COMMENTS WELCOME BOTH GODD AND BAD



"Do you have to go", i said as i learned in his arms to kiss him. I heard him sigh under my lips, and i knew that a big part of him hated this as much as i did, he hated leaving me but he had no option. We both knew what we were doing when we fell in love with each other, a long distance relationship like ours was always difficult, but we had no doubts at all about the most important thing. When it came to our feelings for each other they were the only thing we were both in agreement on, we both wanted each other for eternity.
"I wish i didn't have to babe honest", his brown eyes were filled with pain at our imminent parting. I could feel the tears well in my eyes, having held them back all morning since i had awoke, i finally let them trickle freely down my face. I looked away from him, i had never like him seeing me cry. I tried to calm my breathing, which was on the verge of becoming a hypo-ventilation, and quickly brushed the tears away embarrassed that i got like this every time he left.
I felt his hand pull my face back to his, his eyes full of concern, and half smiled. I looked at him through my teary eyes. His brown hair was styled like he usually had it, smothered in hair gel, i remember complaining once that he took longer to do his hair than i did, his eyes were the most amazing chocolate brown colour his most dominant feature. His teeth had a crooked, yet sexy, look about them, also he was self conscious about them the most.
He stood at 6ft 2inches tall, towering above my tiny 5ft 3 inch frame.
"I love you Simon," i sobbed unable to stop myself crying now, my entire frame shook as i did, his arms tightened round me.
"I love you too Sammi ,"he said kissing my forehead, before brushing my cheek free of tears.
"Im sorry," i mumbled.
"What for," Simon's eyebrows creased in confusion.
"For crying," i explained "and for being really selfish at this moment for thinking about not letting you go".Simon rolled his eyes.
"Sammi ,"he couldn't help but laugh once, "of all the things to be sorry about and your sorry for crying", i heard him sigh under his breath " and about feeling selfish about wanting to keep me here, BELIEVE me when i say that there is a huge part of me that would willingly let myself be shackled to your bed and be your prisoner", he kissed me again, "why wouldn't i you beautiful, kind and sexy girl". I rolled my eyes then, having always been self conscious about my looks, from my weight to my facial features i always found a fault that others didn't. Simon however wouldn't let me pick fault at the way i looked, refusing to belive me when i said i looked a mess, which was most days if im honest.
"Beautiful," i scoffed at him,"yeah right."Simon scowled at me.
"When will you believe me,"his tone was exasperated, i knew he was tired of having this conversation with me. I smiled only a little bit in response.
"I dunno,"i said, making it one big joke now, "you MAY have to tell me at least once more."Simon could hear the sarcasm in my voice now and pulled me into a sitting position on my bed.
"You are beautiful," he said kissing me on the lips,"and funny,"he kissed my neck, "and sexy too" he kissed my collarbone," why else would i find it so hard to leave you," he picked up my left hand and kissed the back of that.
Something about the way he kissed me, almost persuasive, made me agree to anything he wanted. I hadn't kicked up a fuss when he decided to take me out on our first proper date, dinner then a movie, even though i had always said i didn't like him paying for everything, he didn't mind like money was no object when it came to my happiness. I also didn't make a fuss when he handed me a tiny box, inside was a tiny white gold heart on a chain which was encrusted with diamonds, an early Christmas present as we wouldn't see each other on the day. Maybe being with him was bringing out a good side of me, a part of me that would accept gifts and treats like a girlfriend should from her boyfriend. I realized i was ok with the idea of being treated, that it made me feel special.
"Ok i guess that i believe you," i finally answered having lost my train of thought the moment his lips had touched mine.
"Thats good then," i could hear him holding back a laughter at my flustered look. He then looked at the silver watch on his right arm, his early Christmas present from me, and sighed.
"I really have to go now," he said, almost unwillingly. My heart in my throat i just nodded unable to do anything else. I held his hand as i pulled him off the bed, watched grumpily as he picked up his bag and put on his coat, the weather was typical for Cumbria, one of the most beautiful environments in the UK but also the rainiest by far, before shrugging into my own coat. He took my hand again as we headed downstairs, i unlocked the door, and out into the rain, more of a fine mist that gets you really soaked. His turquoise Citron Saxo sx1.4 sat just outside the gate of my home. He held the gate open for me before going to pop the boot of his car. After he had put his bag in and locked the boot again he spun to face me, his arms wrapped around my waist. His lips found mine and he kissed my passionately, i sighed knowing that he didn't want to let me go , yet knew he had too. That was the downside to our relationship, the distance, and i knew that he was only staying down in Wolverhampton for college, his 4th year of an Accounting course, then when he was done he would come up here to be with me forever. I understood of course, but it never made it any easier, but i assured him i would wait as long as it took, that i would never leave him as i loved him too much.
"I love you," he said holding my face close to mine as we stood leaned against his car, "i will call you when i get home ok?"
"I love you too,"i said, kissing his cheek again, the sky was darkening and i knew he had to get home before the usual bad weather set in, "you had better go before things get too bad that you cant get home." Part of me loved the idea of that and i could tell part of him loved the idea of not being able to get out of Cumbria. He sighed and opened the drivers side door, climbed in, and closed it behind him. Winding the window down he laughed.
"You would love that wouldn't you," he said "me not being able to go home." I laughed, then shrugged.
"A girl can dream i guess,"i leaned in and kissed him,"i love you babe,"i reminded him.
"Love you too."He stared the car and blew me a kiss, as i had backed away from the car, then, with one last look at me he pulled away from the curb, down the road and out of site.
I could feel the tears brimming again, threatening to overwhelm me again,i didn't want to lose it outside where all the neighbours could see so i ran back inside, shut the door without locking it, then fell to to floor in tears.

First Impressions

To be perfectly frank, the punctuation flaws are a bit distracting from the writing, I really suggest taking a good hard look at basics in punctuation and doing a bit of self editing. Always, always, always put proper capitalization and spelling into your works where it is needed. In certain settings (dialogue in particular) going against the grain is acceptable, even appreciated, if it's adding to the feel of your characters. However, to simply not capitalize your "I's" or the first word in a sentence is lazy, and if you don't care enough about your writing to put in a bit of effort, why as a reader should I care enough to read it?

Content

Punctuation errors aside, the piece lacks a sense of flow, and the characters are a bit flat. While the situation is relatable, the characters themselves feel lacking. She's crying, he's holding her, and that's just about it. What's going on inside of her head? Is she sad? Scared? Is she angry that he is leaving?

In order to give a better feel for your characters, try working on the dialogue, as of right now, it's very dull. I feel as though I have read this story before, and I know I have seen this scene in a dozen other pieces. She's begging him not to go, crying, he's being the strong man, holding her, etc. In order to make a piece stand out, you need to have characters that speak to the reader, and in my opinion, this isn't really cutting it.

On Description

When you think about writing, it's important to try to think of what any person would do in that situation, and then try to describe it in as natural way as possible.

I could feel the tears brimming again, threatening to overwhelm me again,i didn't want to lose it outside where all the neighbours could see so i ran back inside, shut the door without locking it, then fell to to floor in tears.

Here for instance, rather than stating that you don't want the neighbors to see, perhaps show it?

"I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes as I stared at the place where his car had just been, my neighbor Mrs. (enter name) was out in her front lawn, sipping a glass of lemonade. Covering my face in my hands so she couldn't see me, I ran back inside, shutting the door with a loud bang, and fell to the floor, my own hands sopping with tears."

Try to make the sentences flow, rather than having a flat scene "I did this, then this, then this" try to paint the picture. Make the reader feel what that character is feeling. When the character cries, make sure that the reader feels a little teary eyed as well.

Always think of all five senses. In that sense what is the character seeing, feeling, smelling, hearing, etc. Use those senses to bring the character in, so that they can see, feel, smell, and hear exactly what you are. Because once you bring the reader in, you can effect them.


I hope this helps,

Over Easy

I really liked it it was a good description of how people feel when leaving the one they love. It kind of makes me sad too because in like 2 years i will have to do that with my boyfriend since he is a freshman and i'm a sophmore and we are going to different schools. I don't think long distance relationship work . peopkle get lonely and they cheat just to feel close to someone.

'Oh' I love this story...I nearly cried with Sammi...It was sooo cute Are you going to write more??? Please let me know if you do...