Missing Link-Chap. One *Edited*

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My feet tapped along to the punk rock music blasting in my ears. My curly, dark brown hair blew in the wind as my Mother drove down the interstate, swerving in and out of the rush hour traffic. My eyes traveled to the towering buildings we passed. Most of them looked like they were made of glass. I need to get Dad to take me to his office so I can look down on this interstate from the 21rd floor. My Dad had moved us to this city, Hot Springs, two years ago so he could continue his job being a therapist. Not like our old town didn’t haven’t enough wackos. Although, since then my life has been little less than perfect. However, today I was facing a surprising difficulty. I spent my entire weekend scrubbing some old ladies house to get enough money to go to a rock concert tonight. I didn’t think about whether or not my parents would let me, until I told Mom at the grocery store we just finished shopping at. Coming to that thought, it reminded me that I had to keep up my you’re-ruining-my-life attitude. I scowled at Mom, realizing that I look just like her. The same color brown hair, the same gray eyes, and the same tall, lanky stature. I suppressed that thought as she nervously leaned over to grab her phone from under my seat.

“Mom! Why don’t you watch the road?” I snapped, feeling guilty about using that tone of voice with her the moment it was out. Rose, why are you doing this to her?

“Excuse me? I think I know what I’m doing,” she began, then mumbled something unintelligible as she dialed a number on her phone.

Once again, just like every time there is friction between us, which has been a lot lately, she begins to talk on the phone at a hundred miles per hour.

As we pulled into our driveway, my twin brother, Ayden, and my Dad, Jeffery, were both on ladders, attempting, but failing, to put up Christmas lights. Mom and I grabbed the bags out of the trunk and I lagged along behind her, making sure to sigh and groan loud enough for her to hear.

“Rosemary,” she began, changing my name into a threat. “I don’t want to hear anything more about this stupid concert. You’re not going.” Her brown eyes bore into mine as I mentally shouted back at her. Why are you doing this to me? I am not a kid! You would let Ayden go!

“No, I would not!” She yelled. I bit my tongue as I realized I had spoken out loud.

“Yes, you would! You are always letting him do things that you won’t let me do.” I retorted much too loudly. She began to shoving cans into the cupboard.

“Rose, it’s different,” she said, suddenly taking a more calm approach to my rebellion. I roll my eyes because I know one of her parenting book speeches is about to come. “People mature at different rates. And as I am fully aware that you and your brother were born at almost the exact same time-believe me, I know-he has matured faster. He is ready for things right now that you aren’t. Just like you were ready to potty train before him. You’ll get there just like he got there. Be patient. And, in the meantime, you are going to have to trust your father and I.”

I couldn’t take anymore. I threw the grocery bags down and stormed up the stairs into my bedroom. Just as I grabbed the glass doorknob to slam the door, a black boot stopped my rebellious act.

“What’s wrong with you?” Ayden asked, as he strolled over to my bed. His brown hair was wet, probably from the snow, and his nose was a light shade of pink.

“Mom is making me mad. She won’t let me go to the concert tonight!” I complained, plopping down onto the bed beside him.

“Well, you need to chill. You know Mom is only trying to protect you,” he said, nudging my shoulder. I began to pull on a loose string from my pink flowered bed spread. “Besides, I heard they stink anyways.”

“Yeah, right! I have been waiting all year from them to come to Hot Springs and now I can’t even go see them!” I know it’s foolish, but I desperately want to start crying. I don’t think it is because I can’t go to the concert. It’s something else.

“Have you tried asking Mom or Dad to take you? You could probably go then.”

“No. I don’t want them to take me.” I snatched a pillow that was laying on my white carpet and hugged it close to me.

“Well, stop complaining then. You have an option and you don’t want to take it.” Ayden got up and started throwing an old hackey sack into the air.

“Aay, I just got a great idea,” I explain, jumping from the bed. “You could take me! You have your drivers license-they trust you.” I added when he started to shake his head.

“No way, Rose. They won’t let either of us go, and you know it.”

“We don’t have to tell them.” I whispered, grabbing his arm, stopping him from leaving.

“Do you really think that is such a good idea?” He asked, but it wasn’t really a question. He formed it into a accusation.

“Yeah, I do,” I responded. “Please, Aay! You snuck out the just the other night!”

“Did not!” Finally, I got under his skin. He's easier to manipulate if you hold something to him. Aren’t we all?

“I know you did. Now, please, let me have my fun.”

“No, Rose.” At that, he left the room, but somehow I knew that our conversation wasn’t over.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Nice story. I like that you show Rose's inner conflicts through her thoughts. A couple of suggestions:

You should make up a name for the rock band, just to add to the realism.

I need to get Dad to take me to his office so I can look down on this interstate from the 21rd floor.

What does she want to look down at the interstate? It was a bit puzzling.

Looking forward to the adventure that probably lies not far ahead :]




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Hey Kate!

First, I just want to say this is a marvelous improvement from your first draft. There was a much better sense of Rose and her personality, and the dynamics between Rose and her mother were very well done. I'm also curious about the dynamics between Rose and her brother. Great job fleshing out your characters a little more. So, I'm just going to talk about a few things while I nitpick a little, okay?

My feet tapped along to the punk rock music blasting in my ears. My curly, dark brown hair blew in the wind as my Mother drove down the interstate, swerving in and out of the rush hour traffic. My eyes traveled to the towering buildings we passed. Most of them looked like they were made of glass. I need to get Dad to take me to his office so I can look down on this interstate from the 21rd floor. My Dad had moved us to this city, Hot Springs, two years ago so he could continue his job being a therapist. Not like our old town didn’t haven’t enough wackos. Although, since then my life has been little less than perfect.


All right, so Rose's narrator voice has improved. But when writing in first person, it's important to not fall in the trap of letting your character give too much away. For instance here, why is Rose noticing the color of her hair right now? It seems to make more sense that she would bring her hair to attention when she is focusing on her mother's appearance--there really isn't any reason for her to describe herself yet. Second, I think 21rd should be 21st? And third, the line "my life has been little less than perfect" is an example of where you want to be wary of narrator spilling too much information. Coming out and saying that doesn't make me especially curious as to how her life is imperfect--it just makes her sound slightly angsty. So, even though your in first person, don't forget the classic guidelines of showing and not telling. Rose's later thoughts and reactions go to show her life is less than perfect much more effectively than that line. :wink:

“Mom! Why don’t you watch the road?” I snapped, feeling guilty about using that tone of voice with her the moment it was out. Rose, why are you doing this to her?

“Excuse me? I think I know what I’m doing,” she began, then mumbled something unintelligible as she dialed a number on her phone.


Great work with character dynamics here! Thumbs up.

“Rosemary,” she began, changing my name into a threat. “I don’t want to hear anything more about this stupid concert. You’re not going.” Her brown eyes bore into mine as I mentally shouted back at her. Why are you doing this to me? I am not a kid! You would let Ayden go!

“No, I would not!” She yelled. I bit my tongue as I realized I had spoken out loud.


To be honest, this just confused me a little. I would just have her literally shout it rather than have her think it and it come out.

“Yes, you would! You are always letting him do things that you won’t let me do.” I retorted much too loudly. She began to shoving cans into the cupboard.


Cupboard! They're in the kitchen. You might want to mention that they are entering into the kitchen and describe a brief change of setting. The last setting description we got was of getting out of the car, so this seems like a jump.

I couldn’t take anymore. I threw the grocery bags down and stormed up the stairs into my bedroom. Just as I grabbed the glass doorknob to slam the door, a black boot stopped my rebellious act.


Glass doorknob?! Hmmm, why do they have a glass doorknob?

“What’s wrong with you?” Ayden asked, as he strolled over to my bed. His brown hair was wet, probably from the snow, and his nose was a light shade of pink.


Good description!

“Yeah, right! I have been waiting all year from them to come to Hot Springs and now I can’t even go see them!” I know it’s foolish, but I desperately want to start crying. I don’t think it is because I can’t go to the concert. It’s something else.


I think adding some more visceral reaction here to go with her wanting to cry would help. Twould make her internal monologue more believable. :wink:

“No. I don’t want them to take me.” I snatched a pillow that was laying on my white carpet and hugged it close to me.


Lying, not laying

“Did not!” Finally, I got under his skin. He's easier to manipulate if you hold something to him. Aren’t we all?


This is rather tell-y

So, this is really interesting! Much better beginning than your original. Great improvement. I think this could use a once-over for spelling and grammar. I didn't want to pick out that, because I think you can do that yourself. :wink: Also, whenever somebody is being interrupted or you are using dashes to separate phrases from the rest of the sentence, you use a double dash, not a single dash. To use a double dash, type --. So you would go: Patrick smiled--he liked the snow. Rather than Patrick smiled-he liked the snow. The single dash is used in compound words like e-mail. :wink: Very nice job here! Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
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