Gods Of Fate- Prologue

Sudden brain blast, lemme know what you think!
~.~.~

We didn't want this to happen. We do care, despite our reputations. But this was something we did not foresee, we did not see this coming.
When the child was born, his destiny laid before us, we rejoiced, for the end to the pain was near. He would not know that he was the Hero to save them all, he would walk the path, guided by us. We would help if need be, Eran and Mora, Shra and I, we would intervene, we needed the land to be free of the suffocating darkness that crept across it.
And then he betrayed us. He found out about his destiny, his independent side rebelled, and he turned away. He went off to live a life that would never suit him, and let his home-land suffer. The one Hero to help, the last for a hundred years, just walked away, and we were forced to sit back and watch as the years crept slowly by. Anarian, the once proud land, grew cold and icy with the hate in the peoples hearts, the wails of sadness, prayers of vengeance grew more common, and we were nearly drowned in the malice.
Slowly, steadily, the time grew near. We waited silently, we did not walk among them. For though we be the Gods, we cannot bend time.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

It is a spur of the moment thing, so comments and nitpicks welcome. I'm thinking of making this a book, so anything ya'll can offer will be most appreciated.

An interesting prologue. Although You could have made the story better by mentioning the boy's name.
I couln't understand this sentence.
'We waited silently, we did not walk among them.'
Walk among who?

Other than that, this was a pretty good introduction to the story, I hope to see the next part.

Hey, Nutty here.
This is the first work of yours I have read, and from what I can tell from this short peice, I would enjoy reading your writing style. ^^
Your idea is interesting, will the story continue from the perspective of the gods? Or will it switch to a mortal? The first is not as normal as the second, but that could work to your advantage. Either way, this shows potential for a intriguing story.
I like the fact that your hero ditched- the consequences of failure on a "chosen one's" part is an interesting idea to explore. I look forward to seeing how you work with it.
I could see no blaring mistakes in this, and I will have to read more to make a more in depth critique. But I am looking forward to reading it. ^^
Be sure to PM me when you put up the first chapter. ^_^

-Nutty

I really liked this prologue, it's one of the better ones I've read! Although it's a tad short, there's only two things I have a problem with.

For though we be the Gods, we cannot bend time.

Do you mean something like 'For though we are gods, we cannot bend time.' Also, whenever refering to god-like characters like these, god(dess) should be lower-case.

Other than that, I liked it. It's very enticing. Can't wait for more! Keep writing and good luck!
~Addict

But this was something we did not foresee, we did not see this coming. - I didn't really like this sentence, there was a lot of see and we did not. Just quite a bit of repetition that I don't think works that well. So perhaps think of rephrasing this.

That was my only nit pick really. This seems like an interesting idea for a book and I would quite like to see how you continue this story. One thing I would advise you about is cliche. With some of this prologue you are kind of moving towards a cliched fantasy story. A hero who finds out he has powers and saves the land from badness and so on. Cliche story lines can be OK but I'm saying just try to make sure that you make your story different and that it has a different element to it that has it be more original. Speaking as an avid fantasy reader it gets quite tiring when you read the same sort of plot over and over but what makes some fantasy stories stand out from others are the characters and the originality or a fresh look at this sort of plot.

So when you are plotting out the rest of your story, if you do that and I hope that you do, just keep in mind that you don't want it to veer off into cliche.

If you have any questions just PM me

Bex x

Thank you all!
I think it will be cool to write, and Bex, I promise it won't be cliche, no powers here : )
Anyways, I'll get started on it, and thank you for the nit-picky thingies! lol

Hey Tiger!

This is an interesting start to a story. You have some interesting concepts and a few brilliant lines. I just have a few suggestions for when you get to revisions.

You have some great ideas here, and this is coming along, but right now it's feeling slightly info-dumpy. By far, not the worst case of infodumping I have seen. In fact, it's pretty good infodumping. But I think you can make it better. First of all, your narrator voice. This narrator has a voice, and I like it, but I feel like you can use that voice more. It sounds like you are trying to achieve an ominous voice here and you are doing rather well. I just think some of your sentences could use some word-arrangement work to achieve this more. Right now you have a few chillingly ominous lines but this prologue meanders a little. I would urge you to stick to the point and write pointed, progressing sentences to increase that ominous tone.

An example of where you do this well:

For though we be the Gods, we cannot bend time.

Awesome. This is one of those lines that people will read and say "Holy cow, this book sounds cool". It's a line that sticks with people, one of those especially special sentences. Lovely.

Where it could use some work:

Anarian, the once proud land, grew cold and icy with the hate in the peoples hearts, the wails of sadness, prayers of vengeance grew more common, and we were nearly drowned in the malice.

This sentence could be chilling, but I feel like it meanders. This Prologue is short and it's the intro to your story, so it's the place to really think about your sentences. So, let's try making this sound more ominous. How? Some word rearrangement. I would rearrange this something like this:

"Anarian, the once proud land, grew cold and icy with the hate of its people's hearts. Wails of sadness, prayers of vengeance--we were nearly drowned in the malice."

Maybe not how you want it, but do you see how this makes a more ominous feel? Instead of wandering in one sentence, breaking up the sentences and using that dash places emphasis on those chilling phrases you use. No need to smother your genius lines in loads of commas and long sentences. Don't be afraid to break up some stuff for emphasis.

Hope this helped! Try reading this aloud a little bit, playing with sentence structure to make it more ominous. You have an interesting start--I'd like to see where this goes. Nice job and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions

This won't be much of a critism, as you appear to be much more talented at writing than I, but I would like you to know I think this is brilliantly written. The others have pointed out everything I wished to correct. Keep on writing

Thanks guys, It makes me happy to read that people like my writing. : ) I will have the next piece out soon for you all to see! Thank you, once again.
~Shaard

It looks interesting can't wait to see how you'll continue. However...I think you took pretty good challenge, because many books start the same way you wrote your prologue! But personnally, I really do like your prologue and can't wait to see how you continue.

And then he betrayed us.

I don't know if it is good, but I'm think that you can't start a sentence with And...

What ever, I really like your prologue and want to read more!

Hello!

Nitpicks welcome? Okay. From what I saw, first you need to clean up the grammar, so I'm going to make suggestions on a paragraph-by-paragraph basis:

We didn't want this to happen. We do care, despite our reputations. But this was something we did not foresee, we did not see this coming.

Okay. "But this was something we did not forsee..." and "...we did not see this coming" mean exactly the same thing. Therefore, this sentence is really redundant, and it seems that I'm not the only one who thought so. You should take out "...we did not see this coming." The first part of the sentence can stand alone and is a strong enough statement to convey that it took them by surprise without having to repeat that fact.

When the child was born, his destiny laid before us, we rejoiced, for the end to the pain was near. He would not know that he was the Hero to save them all, he would walk the path, guided by us. We would help if need be, Eran and Mora, Shra and I, we would intervene, we needed the land to be free of the suffocating darkness that crept across it.

"...the end to the pain was near." I'm curious as to what pain. "...we needed the land to be free of the suffocating darkness that crept across it." Is that the pain? Then that statement should go with it. My suggestion is something like "...for the end to the suffocating darkness creeping across the land was near."

"He would not know that he was the Hero to save them all [semicolon instead of comma]; he would walk the path, guided by us." Both these statements separated by my invisible-until-now semicolon are independent clauses (basically full sentences.) A comma is too weak to hold together two full sentences. It can hold a full sentence to a sentence fragment, but a semicolon is needed to combine two independent clauses. Don't want to give the semicolon any love? That's all right. Just put "and" after your comma. Conjunctions will hold two sentences together just fine.

"We would help if need be, Eran and Mora, Shra and I, we would intervene, we needed the land..."
"Eran and Mora, Shra and I," should be separated with dashes (--). Also, a semicolon wants to live before "...we needed the land..." I still think you should pair that particular part with the part mentioning the pain. So you would have a sentence that looks like "We would help if need be--Eran and Mora, Shra and I." Come to think of it, "...we would intervene..." is redundant, as you've already mentioned that they would help.

And then he betrayed us. He found out about his destiny, his independent side rebelled, and he turned away. He went off to live a life that would never suit him, and let his home-land suffer. The one Hero to help, the last for a hundred years, just walked away, and we were forced to sit back and watch as the years crept slowly by. Anarian, the once proud land, grew cold and icy with the hate in the peoples hearts, the wails of sadness, prayers of vengeance grew more common, and we were nearly drowned in the malice.

"...prayers of vengeance grew more common, and we were nearly drowned in the malice" seems like it wants to be its own sentence.

Slowly, steadily, the time grew near. We waited silently, we did not walk among them. For though we be the Gods, we cannot bend time.

"We waited silently, we did not walk among them." The comma needs to be a semicolon.

Okay, that should be all my nitpicks.

You didn't really leave us with much of a story; it could be promising, though, if you choose to expand upon it.

The idea is somewhat unique in that normally when someone finds out they're supposed to be a hero, they jump at the chance and do all they can to help. However, this guy decides that he wants no part of it, and I'm curious to see how that works out. Somehow, the gods would have to get him back on their side, right? Or are they just going to find a new hero? It also doesn't explain why it is that the gods can't fix everything. Aren't most gods pretty powerful? Aren't they creators and destroyers and whatnot? I'm interested in why they can't fix this problem themselves. You've got a decent starting point with a lot of loose ends that are open to what could be some pretty wicked plot twists.

That's all I've got for this review.

Keep working and take care!
Vanadis.