Winter, Stones, and Roses chapter 1

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My stories are a little visual and sometimes really violent. That's why Its rated 16 or older, I hope I did the right rating, I'm new to the site. I hope you like it. :)

This story is going to be put into parts, as in chapters, and I may start another story while I'm still working on this one, I get bored with my writing and go back and forth. so far i have very little written because I recently just lost months and years of my work. :(

Winter, Stones, and Roses
Chapter 1
First Snow Fall


"Snow, wait up, it's just the park! You don't have to run so fast."

"Aw, come on what's the fun in that? I like seeing you have a hard time, besides this is the only thing I can beat you at."

This was the sorry truth, Snow was our school's track star and only senior guys could keep up with her. Snow was the fastest female runner in our town because of her broken up family. Her mom died in a car crash when she was eight and shortly after that her dad started drinking. Since her dad was a violent drunk and two of her(this means twice her size), she had to be very careful with what she said, how she acted, and sometimes where and when she slept. After their arguments she would just sneak out and go for a run.

Anyway back to the park scenario. The park was basically Snow's second home, if you were going for a walk at night you would most likely spot her in a tree, sleeping in the slides, or swinging on the swings. The only thing was, she only had one place to go when it turned winter, MY PLACE! I loved it when she came over. My name is Rakeal.

We arrived at the park and she jumped on a swing standing on it instead of sitting. Then she quickly jumped into her seat, nothing out of the ordinary for her, she was almost always full of energy. That is just one thing you can't get used to.

"Hey, Rakeal when do you think first snow fall will be?" she asked.

"I don't know Snow, they say its going to happen soon."

"The weather men are always wrong though. It makes me sad because they always have me hopeful. Winter, in my opinion, is gorgeous.
"I just think its cold, but I believe what the weather men say this year because its freezing out here!"

She giggled at my little comment. Then said, "I like the cold."

"No, you like making me freeze my arse off by forcing me to make snow angels and have snow ball fights."

"Well it makes me happy."

I gave her a slight smile. My eyes were wanting to water underneath my glasses. It hurt me when she brought up her painful life, even when she didnt know it. You could just see it playing in her eyes and painted on her face.

"You know I wish that it would just stop, I want it to end."

I knew exactly what she meant by this, and it really hurt to hear it. Was I not enough reason to stay alive? Did she not care about what she would be doing to me? Did I mean anything to her at all? I really didnt know.

After a couple of minutes, Snow realized that there was something wrong. She just looked at me with pleading eyes, wondering with concern. I flashed her a slight smile, got off the swing, and said "Don't worry about it, its not that important, I'm going home."

"Rakeal! You can't just leave me here by myself. Just tell me whats wrong!"

She sounded as though she was close to a hysterical breakdown. When she sounds like this I am always afraid to look at her. I finally got the nerve to turn around and walk up to her. When I spoke I had to look down to see her.

"Snow, you even said this yourself, you wish everything would just end. You pretty much told me that I'm not enough to keep you fighting, so just do it. Just end it all ready! This is goodbye."

As I turned around and started walking away i heard her give out a cry. a cry of hope, the cry no one wants hear, the cry that showed how vulnerable and frail she really was.

"No... Please tell me you're not leaving. You cant, you're all I have."

I turned around as the first snowflake of the season landed on her cheek. She didn't even look up like she usually did, and I just walked away leaving her there crying.



Listen before you walk, don't make my mistake.
Last edited by mylifemypain on Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:08 pm, edited 5 times in total.
You were my angel, I loved you, you the same. They took you away, and I hate them for it! Now I have to love a grave stone.




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This story is amazing. I can't wait to read more about it.
there arguments

Wouldn't this be "their"?

It makes me sad because they always have me hopeful, I mean I think winter's gorgeous."
I really like the idea of this, but i think it needs to be re-worded, 'cause it's kind of a run-on sentence.

my eyes wanting to water underneath my glasses.

Here, I think you were want to say "My eyes [i]were[i]wanting to water underneath my glasses." But I love the way you are introducing us to the character!

Anyways, those were a few tid-bits I found. I really like this.
Keep writing! :elephant:
"By the time you are 25 years old, you will be great at writing begginings, ok at writing middles, and suckish at writing endings. What does this teach us? FINISH YOUR STORIES."
--Unknown




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Hey there, Life (yes, you should tell me something else I can call you. I'm aware that "Life" is probably a terrible nickname. :P).

This is an interesting piece. It's very short, but you've done something right, because I want to read more of it. Your main problems here are technical, which can probably be fixed by a run through a good grammar checker (admittedly, the one in Word is terrible). I'll show you a couple so you can sort them out, and give you my overall impression afterwards.

"Snow, wait up, its just the park!"


"Aw, come on whats the fun in that?"


These are the fist couple of instances where you've missing apostrophes, in this case, "it's," and "what's," both shortened words. You've been drilled about these since you were five if you're anything like me, so I'll leave the rest to you.

Snow was our schools track star and only senior guys could keep up with her.


Possessive apostrophe missing here, "school's".

Since her dad was a violent drunk and two of her


I feel stupid, but I feel like either I'm missing something or something's been worded strangely with "and two of her." I'm sorry if it's the former. ;)

"Hey Rakeal, when do you think first snow fall will be?" She asked.


Couple of things here. Put a comma before a name, as in, "Hey, Rakeal..." Also, the "She" doesn't need to be capitalised, as the question mark only marks the end of Snow's words, not your sentence. If you need some technical demonstration of this, the YWS Blog actually has a really interesting post on this sort of thing.

She giggled at my little comment. then said, "I like the cold."


Either capitalise "then," or make the previous period a comma.

"No... Please tell me your not leaving. You cant, your all I have."


Change "your" to you're in both instances here.

Well, they're my nitpicks. Sorry for how many of them there were.

It's a really interesting set up to a story, and I'd really like to read more when you post it (send me a PM if you want another review like this, or just a quick opinion). I think it may be too abrupt. A lot of authors set up stories just before the main action begins. Action writers often start exactly as the action does, but often in dramatic stories, we're given time to process the characters' lives before the action truly begins. You could go either way on this one, though.

I like the way you've shown us the characters. You've given them quite a lot of depth in the very first chapter, which gives you a lot to build on. The stuff on Snow might come a bit close to info dumping, though. It should be fine, given that it's first person, but you could try to work some of it into dialogue, perhaps? Either way, you've given yourself a good foundation here, and the relationship dynamic is interesting.

Aside from a few small things to fix up, this is actually a really god first chapter. If you want help with anything, just PM me and I'll help out as much as I can. And I'd be glad to review the following chapters, when you write them.

-Mat




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Okay thanks for helping me with my few mistakes and I'm sorry for my grammar mistakes. That's one thing I'm really bad at when it comes to writing.
You were my angel, I loved you, you the same. They took you away, and I hate them for it! Now I have to love a grave stone.



You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky