L-o-v-e

A/N: Hello! I'm back with my awfully sketchy poetry. This is an improvement of theme for me, since my last poem posted here was all dark and stuff. I tried to make this easy going, and simple with worlds. And tried to avoid clichés xD Anyway, thoughts will be deeply appreciated! The quoted lines are from the song "L-O-V-E" by Natalie Cole. Have fun shredding ^.^

"L is for the way you look at me"

I shudder under your stare;
I wish I could fall into you
without you noticing,
but I shiver instead.

"O is for the only one I see"

the world freezes around me;
yes, excruciatingly cliché,
but I'm afraid
you're the only one in view.

"V is so very, very, extraordinary"

dreaming of your embrace,
I’m not a first timer at this.
but it feels warmer and unique,
and I’m scared.

“E is even more than anyone you can adore”

friends, strangers, does it make a difference
to you? I couldn’t dare to answer
but, in the end, I’m afraid of wondering,
can you think of only me?

i liked your poem alot it shows great potential yet i can help but feel you were forcing

some of the lines instead of writing from heart

my advice is to keep going over your poem in your head until it feels right in your heart

and dont let anything keep you from writing

very good poem but you could make it great

just p.m me if you have any questions and keep writing

I like the idea of using the lyrics from the song to break up your stanzas--it made me feel like someone was singing in the backround while I read your poem. While the stanzas that followed the phrases somewhat related to them (for example you write about someone staring at you for "L is for the way you look at me"), I see the actual song as more of a profession of mutual love in a long-term relationship as opposed to what you're describing. To me, it just seems like the song doesn't match the poem.
The poem itself was great, definitely one that put me in the moment with you and let me feel what you were feeling.

L-o-v-e has a strong emotional feeling to it when I read it. However, some of the word choices- like when saying
"I’m not a first timer at this.but it feels warmer and unique,and I’m scared" I didn't think that it flowed as well as another way to word it.
But even then- it rings true, and it holds a very personal meaning. I can relate to this poem too... I think that many people can, so nicely done!

I agree with Ollie. While this doesn't pertain to the song as much as it could, it felt very true-to-you in some spots. Though in others, it did feel a little forced.

*writewatiwant* wrote:the world freezes around me;
yes, excruciatingly cliché,
but I'm afraid
you're the only one in view.

I don't like this line. Don't tell us that the line is cliche-- that's our job
I think it would be better as.

*writewatiwant* wrote:the world freezes around me;
I try to fix my eyes elsewhere
but I'm afraid
you're the only one in view.

Take that advice and do with it what you will. I hope I've been helpful. If you ahve any questions or concerns pm me.
~Empress