The First Canto (tentative title)

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I tired of the world. It no longer interested me. The things that once consumed me seemed shallow, meaningless. I was lost on a one-way street, choking on the dust of those passing me by. So out of desperation, out of fascination and perhaps out of denial, I left behind that dusty beaten path and followed a skinny trail that twisted deeper and deeper into the unknown territories of my soul.
So dark was it in that place that the devil himself would grope and stumble. So dark was it that every whisper of motion, every tiny crack and barely audible swish seemed an enemy. It was moist there, and hot, and I sensed wet, dark trees with wet, dark leaves. A forest. I had read Dante's Divine Comedy; the symbolism was not lost on me. The forest breathed, breathed jaggedly. Every breath was a crystalline exclamation. I stood still, blind and terrified, until my breathing and the forest's were the same.

Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? The forest in my soul demanded that I consider. Amelia Virginia Dickens. If my name were Elaine, or Andrea, or Francine, would I still be up above, choking my way along that dusty thoroughfare?

I lifted my hand to wipe perspiration from my brow.

As I stood among the invisible trees, sweating, afraid to move, it occurred to me that I was Dante, lost in some strange wood, at the all-important cross-roads in my life called adolescence. I wondered if I, like Dante, would be presented with a guide.

A wisp on my calf. I I stiffened, drew breath, sharply. Panic shot through me; I thought of spiders, creeping, sneaking spiders crawling up my leg in that thick darkness.
But then a different thought came to me.
I bent down and touched. I used my fingers to explore the sillky curl of a flower petal, the wet doughy soil, the pleasingly firm stem of a fern frond. I was no longer afraid of what I had found within myself, because I knew that it could be beautiful.

I realized suddenly that I was more aware of my surroundings than I was of my own body. I had lost track of my familiar measurements: how far was it from the tip of my thumb to the tip of my index finger? A few inches, a few feet? How deep were the wrinkles on my palm? How wide was the bridge of my nose? I found I didn't care. The shape of my face and the length of my hair were as unimportant to me as the hairs on the feet of an elephant.

My guide, I discovered, was to be a cat. I chuckled to myself. Allergies must not matter much here.
Lenuit was a small cat. he enjoyed licking himself, taking long vacations and lapping at warm milk. During his absences he left me no clues as to his whereabouts, and no hints as to when he might come back. He made figure eights around my legs. I leaned into him, hoping to learn from him by osmosis.
Lenuit did not like the moisture of my forest, so he lead me deeper into myself, further away from the waning comforts of the beaten path. Trepidation rose in me like a black tide.
"Wait, Lenuit," I begged. "There must be more for me here."
I heard his padding footsteps coming towards me.Are you the leader, he asked, or am I?


...To be continued...
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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Have you read the Divine Comedy? I have a strong feeling you've read the divine comedy. A very strong feeling. Because, basically, this is the Divine Comedy. It has cantos. Both are self discovery and have some sort of guide. It has a hell reference. It sounds, seriously, a lot like the Divine Comedy should. This is really sort of a problem. By essentially taking the core part of the Divine Comedy and ripping it into your story, the reader is totally lost. The narrator is just some random person on the road to inevitable self discovery, not anyone the reader actually cares about. Your excellent, excellent description is all to moot because there is no reason to care about the character or what happens to her. You need some sort of background. Not just 'random person arrives in weird place somehow'. For example, look at the beginning of Alice in Wonderland.

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the
bank, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the
book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in
it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or
conversations?"

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the
day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of
making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and
picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran
close by her.


In two paragraphs, we actually care about Alice. Will this lazy naive girl learn a lesson? In your story, there is none of this. Just some vast generalizations. You desperately need background, context, and, on another note, to leave the Divine Comedy for a while. Remove the references and get us to care about your characters, because without that this is just a 'coulda been shoulda been' story wasting away in purgatory.

Keep writing,
~Critiq

EDIT: And just a note, just because you're beginning is similar to the Inferno's, it doesn't mean it is as adequate and the Infernos. His actually tells us something, where yours is just 'eh'. You need to read his a few more times, and see how he layers in the character development and exposition. Of course, I feel some actual background would be even better. PM me if you put another part up.
Spoiler
I like people thinking that I have something so scandalous to say that I put it in spoiler tags, and I'm sorry that because of this selfish desire you were roped into reading this for not real lasting value.




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@Critiq: LOL so did you actually read the whole thing before you wrote the review? You asked
Have you read the Divine Comedy? I have a strong feeling you've read the divine comedy. A very strong feeling.


in which carelessaussie already wrote in her story that
I had read Dante's Divine Comedy

===================

hmmm...so you like Dante. I love Dante, but I can't exactly copy the way he writes them. I mean, he wrote it in poetry right?

So is this an effort to try and put Dante's poetry style in paragraph form?

I'm sorry, I just had to ask.

I tired of the world. It no longer interested me.


a little fixing: I'm tired of the world; It no longer interested me.


this intrigued me
Lenuit did not like the moisture of my forest


what is your forest? a body part or your imagination? pardon if it seemed perverted but it blends in after you talked about your body.

I like the ending. A cat that cannot speak can only communicate through thoughts.
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Excellent. That was on of the best pieces I have ever read on this site. I actually haven't read the Divine Comedy, but according to the other reviewers, this is very much like it. If that's good thing, then good for you! I wouldn't really know. Just remember that some parts of the story seem a bit... sketchy. Just look it over, and you'll see what I mean. Good work, and very descriptive!
If you're learning from your mistakes, you shouldn't be making the same ones again.



When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
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