Hatred of an Angel: Prologue and First Encounter (chapter 1)

Prologue
“Hate and love; that is what you will learn in life. That is the reason why our lives ended so quickly. Love all and hate none. The bright ones will find you, but love them as you love yourself,” Dad coughed out his final message. Too bad for me, I was too young to understand him and his secret message. I didn’t even pay attention; the sword in his chest bothered me. I was only four years old when my mom went missing. Dad and I have been each others support until I was five, until I found him lying in the living room with a sword through his heart. That cold night, I sat and stared at the body until my neighbors decided to sing carols for us.
First Encounter
“Aren’t you popular, Lily? That guy over at the table is staring at you! And he’s cute!” my best friend, Chiara, or Chi, whispered in my ear. We were in Kneaders waiting for our lunch. I looked at “the guy” that Chi mentioned. The guy had long auburn hair that had a hairstyle that screamed “PUNK!” He was wearing a tight black sleeveless shirt, jeans, and a black choker. On his right arm, there was a tattoo of a skull with angel wings and a halo. Along with the skull there was a tattoo of a pattern of a chain going all around the arm.
“He looks like bad news. My adopted parents won’t let me near him. He is cute though,” I whispered back.
“Lilith Acwellan. Here are your sandwiches.” The worker put the food on our table. I looked back at the guy and he still stared at me. I blushed and turned my head away.
“Why haven’t you changed your name to your adopted parent’s last name? You’ve lived with them for almost six years!” Chi asked.
“Well,” I paused, trying to find an explanation. “I have always loved my father since I was young and his name has become part of him. I don’t want to lose that. Anyways, my birthday is next week. George and Anna will give me a new car.”
“Why do you call them George and Anna still? Call them mom and dad!” Chi complained.
“They aren’t my real parents,” I muttered. Chi noticed I didn’t want to talk about the subject, so she talked about my birthday.
“Man, sweet sixteen. Because your adopted parents are so rich, and you’re the only child, you’ll have the best presents. Right little sister?”
“Just because you’re older than me doesn’t make you my older sister,” I whined playfully. Chi grinned mischievously. She looked at the guy again then frowned.
“He’s been staring at you this whole time! I’m sure he thinks you’re very pretty.” I looked at him. He turned away with a look of anger. The man then stood up and walked out.
“I don’t think he likes me,” I whispered. “Did you see him glare at me with hatred and anger?”
“It’s not like you’re gonna see him anytime soon. Just forget about him.” I knew Chi was right and didn’t think about him on Saturday or Sunday. I only remembered him when he arrived as the new boy at school.

“Man, sweet sixteen. Because your adopted parents are so rich, and you’re the only child, you’ll have the best presents. Right little sister?”
“Just because you’re older than me doesn’t make you my older sister,” um does this mean they are actually sisters or just kidding? and this has great potential keep it up!

I believe it was implied with:

you’re the only child

That they are just pretend sisters.

the sword in his chest bothered me.

The word 'bothered' does not seem to convey enough meaning to a child seeing their father dead on the floor with a sword in their chest.

until my neighbors decided to sing carols for us.

I think the neighbours would be doing a bit more than singing carols, maybe alerting the authorities?

long auburn hair that had a hairstyle that screamed

'that had' in the middle of this sentence seems like the wrong words to use, try this: "long auburn hair with a hairstyle that screamed"

Lastly crzygrl100, are you a fan of Twilight?

Hey there Crzygrl100.

First off, I like to say that I quite like your prologue. It does a good job in suggesting that the MC and her father hold some secret position of power that the MC isn't fully aware of and that there are people who dislike this position of power. As a result, responsibility is eventually passed down to the unsuspecting MC. This is a good premise, as you have a lot to play with and can lead to interesting characters and story-lines.

With your first chapter, there are a number of areas in which you could expand on to make it more complete and satisfying to read. For example, you could expand more of Chi. I'm interested to know more about her and their relationship, considering the MC is willing to discuss such a private matter with her. I had the impression that she's of Asian descent, so why not expand more on that? Show more of her appearance, her actions, her thoughts/feelings, back-story etc. I'm just curious to know how Asian culture can have an impact on a story like this. It can work very well if done right and can say a lot about your story.

Another area that you could work on is the main character herself. From the little I've seen so far, she seems like part of a powerful and rich family, so why not show that more? If anything, at least show to us more as to how her family operates (the details there are rather vague and leaves more to be desired. And since this is fantasy, I want to know how her family works if it is influenced by fantasy ideas).

I also have a problem with the way that you showed the tattoo guy in this. You are trying to foreshadow an enigmatic character right? Just describing his appearance doesn't make him seem real enough for me. I think using more action would help eg: have him smoking a cigar or something to build on the image that he is a cute yet enigmatic guy. And also, I felt that the end was kind of abrupt, considering most of the piece dealt with the conversation between the MC and Chi. If you are going to rewrite this, then I suggest that you show the MC growing more cautious about the guy while talking to Chi to further enforce the idea that there is something strange about that guy. Have some slight incidents which causes the MC to become more cautious and uncomfortable about the guy. That way, the ending wouldn't be abrupt, not to mention the foreshadowing of the guy would feel a lot enigmatic as a result.

On the whole, this has a lot of potential. I'm keen to find out how the MC will deal with her new found responsibility, how her status has a influence on her relationships with her friends/family and of those that she might not suspect and what conflicts she'll encounter.

Good luck.
Andy.

i loved the prologue. it kept me guessing the whole time. the part where the neighbors "decided to sing carols for us" is kind of confusing. was it around christmas? is so, please explain that in the writing. i love how you show a foreshadowing of the "punk" kid coming back into her life soon. very creative. keep up the good work.

Hey guys! Thanx for the revising can you revise my second chapter too? The second chapter is to this story too. Have fun!