The Four-Slayer Cake Technique
In the wide world, there are those people who tug on the final string keeping your anger in tact. We call them enemies. Everyone has their own plots of revenge but some just can’t seem to create their own method. A simple four-layer cake can suffice, with all the suffering good revenge needs, and the finale it requires. This method can even bring about a quick end for the more merciful plotters.
The first step is deception. Give your apologies and friendship to your nemesis; offer them dinner. Now, any intelligent enemy will be skeptical of accepting food from you; unless their oblivious to your outright hate of their very existence. Once you manage to convince them you mean them no harm (some lying may be required, or you could be very skilled in the arts of deceit and manage to steer away from such a thing) cook them a harmless dinner and put much work into it, adding to the trust you are building in your foe. Sit down, chat, dine. If your nemesis is the observant type and knows of your opposition towards each other, then they will sniff, poke, examine, and finally taste the food. Chuckle and assure them nothing’s wrong. If they’re the inattentive type, this could have been over without wasting your time baking the cake. Dinner is necessary to gain more trust, since the ingredients in the cake will be obvious in taste and texture. It will be too late for your foe by then, of course.
Once your nemesis is finished, wait a few moments, so that they can know you didn’t poison the food. They will probably eat very little, so you can take out your anger for the waste of food during the cake eating.
The cake should be made before the enemy arrives for dinner. The ingredients for one layer include: two eggs, one and a half cup of flour, three-fourths cup of sugar, half a cup of milk, two and a half cups of razor blades, two table spoons of arsenic, four cups of D-Con rat pellets, and Betty Crocker vanilla icing. Preheat the stove to 350 degrees and mix the eggs, flour, sugar, and milk in a large bowl until the contents are well-blended. Add the arsenic, pellets, and blades; make sure you use the proper precautions when dealing with these ingredients, you want to kill the enemy not yourself, and you don’t want to give away your recipe! Pour your mixture into a baking pan and bake for twenty to twenty-four minutes, repeating the cycle for all four layers. When all your layers are done, stack them and coat the structure with the vanilla icing. Let cool over dinner and serve with a smile and warm compliment (not too warm, though; you’ll give away your intent).
Now you can slice off a piece for yourself, deftly missing any razors as you’re slicing. Settle down and prepare to eat, but suddenly remember you forgot to get a glass of milk (or another type of drink; for the lactose intolerant killers). Offer your nemesis a glass and then leave into the kitchen. Open the fridge, and begin to pour the drinks and listen for the telltale sounds. Of course, if you’re sadistic and wish to watch the event of your enemy’s demise, do not offer a drink, take your time putting your napkin in your lap or cleaning a spot from your fork. For the braver, sadist, get a small piece of cake and eat it. I would not suggest swallowing, due to the fact that it does contain arsenic. Once you have made sure the cake has been eaten, you can begin clearing the table and cleaning up.
This recipe does not kill quickly, so brilliant incarceration techniques (found in the previous edition of Foe-Be-Gone: Tactical Torture) would be very useful. Remember that subtlety is an assassin’s best friend! I would do no good to have a nemesis stuck at a dinner table and never eat the food. A culinary killer let’s the food do the work for them. So be sure to study up and practice your subtlety and confinement techniques!
And don’t miss the next installment of Foe-Be-Gone! Mystery Murderer for the old-fashioned killer in you. Learn how to make the game of Clue more realistic, and create your own murder mystery.
