okay, heres the next chapter to "nightwalkers"

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Chapter two

A follower

We got to Zay’s house, both of us having been scared to death,(me because of different reasons) because of some weird noises, and my senses were going crazy, I knew someone was following us. I also knew it was another nightwalker, which had me almost as still as a stone till we got to Zay’s place. Me and Zay, were in the house, breathing hard. Our bikes were in the garage, we had ridden away as fast as we could muster, and me having to go slow in comparison to Zay. I knew it was too late, and that another on of our kind had finally run into me.
“We have to get out of here!” I exclaimed.
“Why?” he asked because of that stalker? Were safe here, he can’t get in, I locked the doors” he said.
“You don’t understand!” I panicked “there is a dangerous creature about to burst through that door any minute!” I said
“Are you serious?” he asked sounding as if he was about to laugh
“Because I don’t know if I believe you” he said
“How long have you known me?” I asked
“Since we were four or five” he answered.
“Have I ever lied to you-except when it was a joke or a surprise birthday party?” I asked knowing what the answer would be.
“No” he answered reluctantly
“Then trust me.” I said.
He took a deep breath, and said “okay bells I believe you” “what do we need to do and where do we need to go?” he asked.
“Vermont” I said. “We need to go to Vermont and go find my mom and dad” I said. “Or my dad really, he will know what’s going on.”
“What is going on?” he asked
“There’s no time for that now, ill explain everything later” I said urgently. I sucked in a breath, I had heard something. Something bad. “Oh no!” I said “they’re already here” I said. “Zay, I can handle this, “I want you to go hide”. I said panicking “I want you to go hide now”. Zay, I want you to stay hidden. I will come and get you when it is safe, if you think you hear me call you, don’t come out.”
He nodded mutely, and went to hide in the tunnel under the basement. The door creaked, it wouldn’t have made any sound to human ears, but the ears of a nightwalker can hear any movement no matter how quiet it is, and no matter how far away it is.
I heard his “silent” footsteps coming towards me, a fair haired nightwalker came into view. He was tall, and gangly, with hair cropped short. His eyes surprised me, for they were not the nightwalker green, they were an alarming violet
“So” he said in a deep bass voice, “You associate with humans?” he asked, sounding as if he were just innocently curious. I knew better.
“Im not answering any of your questions” I spat. "You come into my house, without knocking; follow me home, and now you asking me if I associate with humans!” “Bah!” I said.
“But when you were riding you bike home, you were with someone, not one of our kind, but a human. It puzzled me very much, so I had to follow you, I assure you, I mean no harm to your pet.”
“Are you even one of us?” I asked, changing the subject successfully. Your eyes are not nightwalker green, as they are meant".
“Why, child, has no one explained the complexity of the eyes of our kind?” there is a normal color for nightwalker eyes yes, but neither you nor I, have it. if you had the normal eye color of our kind, you would know, because every nightwalker you saw would have the same color eyes. But if you have a special talent, your eyes are a different color then the rest of our kind, but you see the normal nightwalkers eyes as the color of yours. But if you see another talented nightwalker, then you see the true color of their eyes, and the talent within them.” “As you have seen, my talent is silent speed; I assume you did not hear my approach?”
“I did actually” I said stiffly “I have always had heightened senses, whether it be from young age or not, it has nothing to do with your special talent nonsense” “but yes, I heard you coming from a mile away” I said almost smugly, thinking he had just lied to me.
“Why that is baffling” he said with what sounded like sincere confusion. No one has ever downed my talent, I am surprised, not one person in my 800 years, except for you”. “That’s just irrational!” he said, I knew his nightwalker was getting agitated. “For such a young one, how could you have better control then me?” he said
“Im not giving you any information” I said sternly “now unless you want to fight with his unusual talent, I suggest you find yourself out my door, and back to wherever you came from”.
“I think your in no position to tell me to leave”, he said sounding like he was trying to sound overconfident. "Tell me, where is your human friend?” he asked, “I am a bit low on souls, right now, and I don’t associate with humans unless I’m hunting”, he said smiling a deadly smile. “And let me tell you, this hunger is quite painful, soon my nightwalker will feel the pain also, you wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that would you?”
“I can handle you”. I said smirking “it’s nice to know about the whole special talent thing," and because you were the one who told me, I won’t kill you." I said "but I suggest you be on your way before I change my mind” I said growling deeply.
“I can see im not welcome here” he said
“Not while you’re trying to kill my best friend” I said deciding not to keep up the lame pretense anymore, since he already seemed to know everything. “He’s going to try to find me!” I heard inside my head “it’s me Zay, it looks like we both have some explaining to do, but don’t let him out of your sight!”
“Uhhh, can you hear me?" i asked, wiondering how iw ould sound in his mind if he could hear me
“Bella, I can talk to you with my mind, and you think I can’t hear what you say to mine?”
“Yes”.
“Stall him!!”
“Sorry, but I know these creatures better then you do, he has to be killed, I can take care of this yahoo easily.”
“I think I've changed my mind” I said aloud. I drew my blade, from my hidden pocket in my shirt sleeve.
He gasped as he saw hei yue, the killer of the nightwalker. It was the last thing he ever said.


okay, sorry about the errors and stuff, i had it perfected, bu when i pasted it in, it messed up the capitols and quotation marks and stuff. really sorry please no harsh comments, this website really messed me up.




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oh and i meant to have the thoughts and mind communications be italic so you could tell the difference, but like i said, this website really threw me off




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Hi again!

I'm not sure how the site would have messed up your grammar. Do you type this in Notepad or Microsoft Word? Perhaps another program? I don't see any reason that the site would mess it up. Either way, you know the errors are there, so no need to bring it up, I guess!

Alright, compared to your first part, this didn't seem as exciting to me. We have some sort of bad guy in the house. This scene should be so much more intense, capturing the reader's attention and pulling them along to the very end. Instead (and a lot has to do with the grammar problems, but not all of it), you heavily depend on dialogue to carry your story. Give us lots and lots of description. Describe the scene, how the characters feel, their habits, their actions, etc. Make each character its own individual that we can easily identify with.

Those are the only key points that you should keep an eye on as you continue writing this: description and characters (grammar aside). Take your time when telling the story! Don't assume the reader knows everything, and don't dump information all at once in one dialogue paragraph. It's best to hold suspense and tell the information when the time is right for it.

Keep writing!

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seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
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