The Wolf Pack Ch 1 + part 1-2 of ch 2 edited.

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1544
Reviews 169
This is to go on with the posts I made on Wolf Pack Ch 1 Parts 1-2 and Ch 2 Parts 1-2. This is edited and changed. I accept any and all comments about it. If you have read it before, I would like your opinion on how I changed it.
****
Chapter 1
I watched as a hunting pack left to go into the Lower Ghettos down a dirt path, and felt my mind wander to the day when I would turn eighteen, and be able to join a hunting pack. But for now, I was stuck in class listening to the Third Beta instructor explain to us the proper care our weapons: whetstones and grinding wheels to keep our blades sharp, and oils and swabs to maintaining the cleanliness of our gun barrels. I yawned, having already heard this before from my fighting teachers.
I sat at the far back of the class my seat facing the windows, where I had a full view of one of the many training grounds spread through out the Barracks. I absentmindedly ran my whetstone over my swords. Like everyone else in the Pack, at seventeen I got to choose a set of weapons that I preferred. We had to decide on a sword and a gun. My choice was a pair of short swords and a handgun. Both were small and easy to handle, and quicker than the larger swords and guns.
I winced as I felt a sharp pain across the back of my neck. I was about to turn and tell the person, but I bit my tongue, keeping the retort to myself, when I saw that it was my teacher, Third Beta Gregor. “It seems you are not paying any attention at to what you are doing, Pup,” Gregor said sternly, calling me by the title for all those who had not reached eighteen. He picked the sword I had finished off the table and said, “Look at this, dents so big I can count them with my own eyes.” He handed it back to me and turned to the rest of the class. “This young Pup has demonstrated a fine example why you must pay attention when maintaining your blade. For a good blade . . .”
“. . . is the smart blade,” finished the rest of the class.
“Good, you are dismissed.” I stood up and returned my blades to their scabbards, and just as I was about to leave I felt Gregor grab my shoulder from behind. “Except you. I want you to stay behind today, make sure those blades are nice and sharp.”
I slumped back into my chair, grumbling as I drew my blades out, as well as pulling a whetstone from my pack. I began to, once again, stroke the stone across the length of my sword. I didn’t notice when Gregor took the seat right across from me. He grabbed my other sword, and began to stroke it with a whetstone of his own, his amber eyes paying careful attention to his work.
“What’s the matter, little brother?” he asked after a minute, not looking up. “You seemed more spaced out than usual.”
“Nothing, Gregor,” I replied. “I’m just excited.” And excited I did have a right to be. In two days I will turn eighteen. I will be automatically promoted to the rank of First Beta, making me a full member of the Pack, and being assigned to a hunting pack. I would be one step closer to becoming an Alpha, just like my mother.
“Being excited is fine, just so long as it doesn’t interfere with your work,” Grogor commented. He stopped stroking the blade and held it up to the light, examining the sharp edges. He set the blade down and held out his hand for the blade I was sharpening. He stared at it quietly for several seconds, before setting it down with satisfaction.
“What’s it like being a Beta?” I asked, trying to break the silence.
“You’ll find out when you get there, but for your sake, I hope you never have to,” he replied sullenly.
“Find out what?” I leaned forward on my elbows, staring at Gregor intently, but never looking into his eyes.
“Every Pup grows up believing that the Highers, the Lowers, and the Pack all live equally. When you get out there as a Beta, Lethero, keep your morals close to heart, and don’t let anyone keep you from sticking to them.” He looked away into the distance, as if into a memory from long ago. Then, with a sigh, he stood up and said to me, “Let’s head home, little brother.”
I stood up and followed him out of the classroom, pondering what he told me.

Two Days Later
I stood up straight, keeping my chin up and my eyes pointed down. The High Alpha sat behind the desk in front of me, his cold, blue eyes watching me carefully. The High Alpha was the leader of the Pack and only answered to the Highers. He took personal care to meet every Pup who had reached his eighteenth birthday. He indicated for me to sit down, and then he glanced down at the paper in his callused hands and back up at me, and back down at the paper again.
As he read the paper that, undoubtedly, containing notes about me from my teachers, I took the time to learn what I could about the leader of the Pack. If I wanted to get anywhere in the Pack, I would have to be in his good graces. The High Alpha was only middle aged, by Werewolf standards, at least a hundred years old if the rumors among the Pups were correct, and was said he would serve the Pack, and the Linox Empire, another fifty years. Laugh lines were etched deep into his face, giving him an eternal smile. I remember, long ago, asking my mother about him and she told me that he was an extremely powerful Werewolf. She said that he had challenged the previous High Alpha, and then killed him in single combat. It was said he would gloat about it to anyone who would ask. As far as I knew, no one among the Pack knew about him before he became an Alpha, but he was tolerated because he was extremely fair to everyone. Even to the Omegas, the most shameful members of the Pack who did not deserve the same rights.
“Your teachers have many good things to say about you,” he said, setting the paper aside. “Many have said I should promote you to the rank of Second Beta right away, and there are some who want me to make you a Third Beta. They say you are a intelligent leader, and can get the tasks you are asked to do done. It seems funny, though, that your own brother, Third Beta Gregor, is the only one with anything bad to say about you. He said that you are daydreamer and drift off during class, but he does go on to say that you are also very skilled swordsman and marksman.” He began to tap his finger on the table, producing an annoying noise. I kept quiet as he kept on tapping, my pension building up as the minutes passed by.
Nearly twenty minutes had passed before I could get the nerve to say anything. “So, what are you going to do, sir?” I made sure my eyes were always pointed away from his, and that my head was held down in deference to his authority. When he did not answer straight away I added, “I will be fine with whatever you want, sir. I am always open for your great wisdom, sir.”
The smile on his face deepened as he let out a throaty laugh. “That is another trait your teachers said you possess. If I remember Fourth Beta Ash’s exact words correctly, he said, ‘Always looking to further himself no matter what he has to do to someone, or himself.’” I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks, knowing what he said was true. I have gotten many Pups in trouble in my time at the Academy to make myself look better. As a result I did not have many friends, and the few that I had were afraid of me. It never bothered me not having a lot of friends. All that mattered to me was reaching the top, no matter what.
The High Alpha smiled at my reaction and continued, “Though I am not against furthering yourself, you will only earn much hate towards you from those under you.” He opened a drawer from behind his desk and pulled out a piece of paper. “This will cause me many problems among the other Betas and the Pups will constantly annoy me, but I will follow your teachers’ advice. I will promote you to the rank Second Beta. Only on one condition though,” he said, pointing his pale finger at me.
“What would that be, sir?” I asked, smiling to myself on the inside.
“Promise me that you will give any First Betas under you the respect they deserve. They will oppose you because they will feel like they’ve cheat, being put under someone who is younger and with less combat experience than them.”He emphasized each point by tapping his finger on his desk. “Do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “I will do whatever you command me to, sir.”
“Good.” He pulled a pen from his pocket and signed his initials on the bottom of the paper: I.X. I stored the information away for a later use. He held the paper up to me, waving it in front of my face. “This paper alone indicates that you have achieved the rank of First Beta. Signed on the first line by me or any Alpha promotes you to Second Bata, which I have. Signatures on the second line will promote you to Third Beta, while the third will get you to Fourth Beta. After that, when I see fit, you will be made an Alpha, and given control of another hunting pack, along with another Alpha.” He reached back into the drawer of his desk and pulled out a folder with my name written on the front, and placed the paper inside, hiding it between several other slips of paper, before replacing it back into the drawer.
“Any questions, Lethero?” he asked. I shook my head. “Then stand Second Beta Lethero.” I stood up quickly, nearly knocking over my chair in the process. “I am placing you under the command of Alphas Roger and Pera. They have recently lost a Second Beta to sickness so they are one Second Beta short of a hunting pack. They have the respect of their Betas, so maybe they will be able to teach you a thing or two.”
“I will try my best, sir,” I said, bowing deeply to him. “I also wish to thank you greatly for giving me this position even though I do not deserve it. I will exceed in all the tasks presented to me, and earn the First Betas’ respect.”
“That’s all I ask for.” He settled back into his seat and folded his hands on the desk in front of him. “I have one more request before you leave.” I looked up, still avoiding his eyes. “I want you to look into my eyes.”
My heart skipped a beat. To look into someone’s eyes, especially a superior, was like issuing a challenge, and oppose a leader’s authority. Many Pups had been punished or beaten for looking directly into their teachers’ or parents’ eyes. But I knew that if I was to advance quickly I would have to listen to him. I stared into the High Alphas eyes and got a realization that would get me killed if I ever spoke a word about it. His eyes held something that I could only describe as bright light reflecting off water, but it was enough for me to tell he wasn’t a Werewolf. He was a Wizard of the Higher.
` He smiled at the shock on my face and briefly said, “You are dismissed.” I walked out of the room silently, not responding to whoever I passed on my way home.

Chapter 2
I returned to the house that my mother, brother, and I all shared, still shocked at what I had learned. The High Alpha wasn’t a Werewolf, but a Wizard of the Higher. I knew if I ever spoke out about this I would be killed for saying such a thing. I wondered why the Highers didn’t trust us enough to guard them on our own without them making one of their own our leader. And the biggest question was why did he reveal it to me? I knew if I ever wanted to keep my sanity with this secret I would have to live with, so I turned my mind to what would be in my room when I there.
I walked into my room, and glanced around. All my clothes were thrown across the smooth, wooden floor, making it look like a rumpled black void. There was only a single window in my room, located over the bed, where light seeped in through the blinds, revealing the brown paper parcel on my bed I knew would be there. I tore it open, finding the folded black leather armor of the Betas with two horizontal, white stripes on the right shoulder that would show the other members of the Pack that I was a Second Beta. As I progress through the ranks, I will earn two more stripes until I reach the rank of Alpha, and like my mother, get the leather armor with the blood red paw centered on the chest.
I put on the armor; buckling the greaves over my black pants, followed by the boots, I slipped into the black cuirass, and pulled on the gauntlets last. The armor twisted and bent with my body. It felt as if I wasn’t wearing it at all. There was a leather belt around my waist where I could attach my swords, and a holster for my gun strapped to my calf. There weren’t very many pockets, but the few that there were were easily within reach.
I picked up the torn parcel and was about to take it to the trash can on the other side of my room, when I noticed a thick slip of folded white paper inside. I pulled it out, opening it to reveal a detailed map of the Linux Empire and some of the neighboring lands. I could see the stone walls of the High Castle, whose interior remained blank. Surrounding the castle was the Pack Barracks. Each hunting packs housing unit was marked, as well as the houses where families lived together. On the outside of the barracks, extending for a half a mile before is reached the Plains of Geyt, was the Lower Ghetto, where members of the Lower lived. Unlike the Pack Barracks it did not mark out each housing unit, but showed problem areas where the most crime occurred, most of it being on the very outside.
I looked back at the Barracks and on it I noticed a red dot marking out one of the units, which, I guess, belonged to the hunting pack I was joining. There was an arrow that led to some writing on the side of the page that read:
“Second Beta Lethero,
You are to come to Unit #307 at 0700 hours tomorrow dressed in full uniform. Bring your weapons, and make sure your swords are sharp and you gun barrel is cleaned. I, Alpha Pera, and Alpha Roger will be inspecting them. After that we are going to our assigned area and begin our guard duty. Since you are a new recruit you will be required to stay at the housing unit for a month, and after that it will only be two weeks at a time. You are allowed two hours once a week to clean your clothes, the rest of the time you are expected to be training, sleeping, or patrolling. I expect you to be there by the time stated above. I do not tolerate tardiness.
Signed,
Alpha Pera”
I set the paper down and tossed the empty parcel into the already overflowing trash bin. I flopped onto my bed; feeling the tensions from the day begin to melt away. Sleep enveloped me, taking me to my dreams.

I woke to a knock on my bedroom door. I stood, rubbing the sleep out of my eye, and opened the door. Next thing I knew I was being hugged by my mother. It felt like I was being crushed by stones.
“Mom,” I moaned, trying my best to push her away. “Let me go.”
“Sorry,” she said. She let go of me and stared me at arm length. My mother was tall, almost a full head taller than me. Her hair, like mine was completely white, only falling to the shoulder, and her skin was slightly more tan than mine from hours working under the sun. She wore her Alpha armor, which looked exactly like the new armor I had received except for the blood red paw in the center. Strapped to her back was a claymore that was about as tall as I was, and in a holster resting on her hip was a magnum. She was a feared and respected woman who would give her life for the Pack, Linox Empire, and her family.
She took her hands away and gasped, spotting the two white stripes on my shoulder, and then I was back in her arms getting a hug that would scare most full grown men. She let go and stepped back, examining me in my new armor. “So, they made you a Second Beta. I am so proud, and I know your father would’ve had been proud.”I rolled my eyes. My father was a complete mystery to me, he had left or died before I could remember, my mother would never tell me which. All I knew he had been a powerful Werewolf respected by all, and mother only brought him up to say how he would’ve been proud of me in some way or another.
“Yeah,” I replied. ‘High Alpha saw fit to give me the position.” I did my best to keep my feelings out of my voice about learning the High Alpha’s secret. I don’t know if I had succeeded or not, but I guess I did when my mother did not inquire. “I have been assigned to Alpha Pera and Alpha Roger,” I said proudly. My mother winced.
“Are you sure those are the one’s he said, honey?” she asked. I retrieved the note I had gotten with my armor. Her amber eyes scanned over the words as she read them, her lips moving to form the words. “Dammit, I was hoping you’d get something besides that bitch.” I tried to hold in my surprise at my mother’s sudden use of foul language, she being someone who disciplines the Betas under her for uttering words like that. I kept my mouth shut, and let her continue. “I would suggest you arrive there very early, and shine a polish every weapon you own. From what I’ve seen Pera and Roger are strict disciplinarians and work their Betas tired every night. As for losing their Second Beta to sickness, there are rumors that he actually killed himself.”
I felt a chill down my spine as she described every horrible trait, and all the times they have worked their Betas to near death. They have been known to beat their Betas for simple infractions, but they were only rumors, and the other Alphas could act on it without proof.
My mother saw the fear on my face and quickly said, “I don’t mean to scare you son, just to warn you. Maybe, when you are there, you can find proof that would remove those two from their rank.”
She pulled me into another hug, this one not so rough. “Come on; let’s go get something to eat.”
The rest of the day passed quickly. Mother made a big dinner to celebrate my eighteenth birthday and promotion. Gregor came home just as we were about to sit down qnd eat. I got my first sip of beer, and found out that I despised the taste. Gregor and my mother laughed as I spit it back into the cup. There was much laughter and joy between all of us that night. At the end of it all I found myself too tired to do anything else.
I took off my armor when I returned to my room. I sank into my bed, which felt like I was laying on a cloud. Just as I was drifted of to sleep, someone knocked at my door. “Come in.” I mumbled, annoyed that someone wanted to talk to me this late. I didn’t put in the effort to look up and see who it was, but by the way he moved into my room, I could tell it was my brother.
“Hey Lethero,” he said quietly. “Or should I say Second Beta Lethero.”
“What do you want?” I asked, I sat up and stared at him, barely able to keep my eyes open..
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a picture, and handed it to me. A Werewolf, with hair as white as mine, sat at the table we had downstairs, a wide grin spread across his face. He wore the armor of an Alpha, and dual short swords rested on his hips, as well as a handgun in its holster at his calf. On his shoulder was a young Pup of about one or two years of age. You could tell they were a father and son.
“Why are you showing this to me?” I asked.
“That’s dad,” Gregor said simply, dropping onto the bed next to me. “His name was Geedo and that’s you he’s holding.”
Then I started to notice the similarities between the man in the picture and the person I saw in the mirror every morning when I woke up. We shared the same amber eyes, pointed nose, muscular build, pale skin, and the same messed up hair I get in the morning, but never bother to comb. It surprised me to see that we also had the same preference in weapons.
“He was killed one day when his hunting pack went to do a patrol of the Lower Ghettos.” I watched in the dark as Gregor leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Some group of malcontents who called themselves The Freedom Fighters. They ambushed dad’s group with contraband guns killing him and several of the Betas in the group.” I noticed how his voice grew softer as he talked until it became close to a whisper. “Mother would’ve fallen into a depression if it weren’t for you. You look and act like him so much, it was like he never left.”
He sighed and stood up. “Anyways, I want you to keep it. Let it remind you how much you mean to this family. I don’t want anything to happen to you, little brother.”
I heard the door open and shut, leaving me alone in the darkness. I continued to stare at picture, seeing how much this man reminded me of myself. I fell asleep with my father’s image etched deeply in my mind.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7036
Reviews 53
Hey, Leth! This is brilliant! You definitely fixed all the grammar errors (As far as I can tell). I love how you added Lethero's dad into the story. I can't wait to read about what happens next! Make sure to tell me in chat or PM me when you get chapter three written. Keep up the good work!

Good luck,

Kate :elephant:
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1061
Reviews 2
hey that was great! i really liked it. it was all really detailed, even in the first few sentences. the grammar is great too! i didnt see any mistakes, not that im an expert ;)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Hey there Lethero, you should know me by now since you've seen me so much in chat.

Like everyone else in the Pack, at seventeen I got to choose a set of weapons that I preferred. We had to decide on a sword and a gun. My choice was a pair of short swords and a handgun. Both were small and easy to handle, and quicker than the larger swords and guns.


I don't really understand why the narrator would need the use of weapons. They are werewolves are they not? So couldn't they just pounce on their prey and rip them apart? Also, it seems very unnecessary to even allow schools to give their students weapons. I mean why would they need to be taught how to use them in the first place? It makes no sense. And lastly, you could of have used the weapons as a way to characterize the narrator. Saying that the sword + gun is easy to handle doesn't cut it, I want to know more of the narrator's connection with the weapons eg: Does he like using weapons? Why is it so? What does he think of being given the privilege to use weapons? etc.

“Nothing, Gregor,” I replied. “I’m just excited.” And excited I did have a right to be. In two days I will turn eighteen.


For an eighteen year old, getting excited just because of the opportunity to be able to hunt seems kind of trivial. This idea might work if your narrator was younger, but not for an eighteen year old.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm. I think what's really letting this piece down is how trivial and unrealistic some of the ideas are. Firstly, why would werewolves need a school? The only reason I can see for this is if the school was built to help unite werewolves together since they are considered to be outliers in society by the majority i.e humans. If you had developed this point further, it could help in giving your story more creditability and insight. That I would accept. But really, from what I've seen, they don't really need to have a school. This isn't something like a wizarding school in Harry Potter where it is essential to have (magic in Harry Potter is rather complex and diverse and requires several years of education, hence justifying the use of a magic school in the series). Do you really need a school for something as trivial as hunting? And I've already made my point about the use of weapons.

Secondly, I think that it's rather weak that for an eighteen year old, the narrator is excited about finally being able to go out to hunt. For a coming of age story, I don't think this works rather well (they are only allowed to go hunt when they reach 18? What?)Being able to finally hunt doesn't exactly represent the idea of finally being able to become more independent and moving out into the big world that well... When I think of someone finally turning 18, I think of finally being able to go to university, looking for jobs, being able to finally go to pubs and date + drink, moving on into the big wide world etc. Your "coming of age" idea doesn't work because there's no major ramifications to it at all. So what if the narrator can go hunting when he's 18? What does this say about their society? Think of the bigger picture.

And lastly, you trivialize things even more with the whole "teacher interview" segment. It was too informal (why would a teacher's decision be also influenced by the narrator's older brother? He has no authority whatever-so) and was made unrealistic, because the tone of the narrator contradicts with this so called "leadership" that he's supposed to have that makes him eligible for promotion. I saw no leadership qualities in the narrator throughout chapter one. He really lacks that "knowingness" and maturity that a leader should have.

On the whole, I think this piece would've worked better if the narrator was younger. If you want to keep the ideas in this, then I suggest that you consider what I've said.

Good luck.
Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2145
Reviews 6
Hey Leth,
Sorry I didn't get this review done until now.
This is a really good story, and there aren't many mistakes. This one sentence was really weird though.
"Promise me that you will give any First Betas under you the respect they deserve. They will oppose you because they will feel like they’ve cheat, being put under someone who is younger and with less combat experience than them.”

That's really all I saw wrong, so good work. Bye!
You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's better to let them have their way, then trick them when they aren't looking- Brom



huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
— Mageheart