Astray:part 2 =]

Hi everyone! Ive posted up another astray. Thanks for the helpful advice guys! i'm hoping that this one will satisfy you. i can't say that this one is as well written out, but it really explains certain things from what i previously wrote.So whether you like it or dispise it, read and rate!=]


patience

They always say that patience is a virtue, but at that moment, it was a nightmare. My heart pounded feverishly in my chest as i thought about the events of the night. Delanie clouded my mind over and over and i felt overwhelmed in helplessness every time, knowing that at the moment, i couldn't see her as they put stitches into her many cuts and tested her because of the severe blows she took to the head or be there to comfort her if the anesthesia wore off too early and she woke up in screaming agony... the waiting room was chilly and my surroundings were vague as my mind wondered into the land of if only and every limb i had ached, but i ignored it since my own pain wasn't important to me right now. I looked around; feeling like everything was moving in slow motion, as if life was on mute and everyone walked at a snail pace. I heard my pulse beat potently in my ears and i felt nervous sweat trickle down my forehead as my eyes clouded over and i realized that i was crying.
"Be a man Tony" i whispered to myself, wiping away the tears, but they wouldn't stop. I wanted to collapse to the floor, because i felt so vulnerable, because my constant tears blurred my vision and i was getting impatient. I wanted to be angry at the whole world for my misfortunes. The space around me was closing up and i felt claustrophobic, a feeling i've never felt before. I got up on shaky legs and went out the nearest exit. The sky was empty and i suddenly felt overwhelmed again and before i could control my actions, i slammed my fist into a nearby wall. The scorching pain that vibrated through my body right then was nerve wrecking and my tears fluently flowed out. My legs refused to support me any longer and i descended to the floor, pounding my fists against concrete, fighting myself instead of the world, not caring if anyone was watching me and thought i was mental... I just wanted everything to turn back to how it used to be. I got up, looking at my fist, watching the creases of blood ooze out of my wound and slowly trickle down my hand. I sat down on a bench next to me, burying my face in my hands, crying there for twenty minutes before feeling like i couldn't cry anymore and my face refused to reproduce anymore tears, even though i still bottled up so much anger inside of me. Then, i felt a hand fall lightly on my shoulder and looked up to see Dylan, Delanie's older brother
"How is she?" he asked.
"She has... post traumatic amnesia" i responded as i shook my head and stood up. Dylan hugged me and i could tell that he was trying his hardest to be strong. Dylan has always been like an older brother to me, especialy since i'm an only child. Over the years, whenever he couldn't look out for his little sister, I was always the one to take his place without him asking, as her best friend. Time and time again, i have always followed through and got the job done by protecting her and bringing her back home safely, but this wasn't one of those times...
"Come on, let's go in" he whispered, his eyes just as red as mine, and then we both walked in, not saying another word, suddenly lost in our own agonies... and we were suddenly both desperate to find lives' remote control to press the rewind button and reverse back to the time when we knew the pleasure of happiness.

Hey there Shame, I was browsing and I saw that no one had commented on this for you, so I thought I'd do a review All my grammar corrections are in red and other comments are in the bold below

Delanie clouded my mind over and over. I felt overwhelmed in helplessness every time, knowing that at the moment, i couldn't see her as they put stitches into her many cuts and tested her because of the severe blows she took to the head. I couldn't be there to comfort her if the anesthesia wore off too early and she woke up in screaming agony

This sentence was way too long. I've broken it up in red above. I think it sounds better.

The waiting room was chilly and my surroundings were vague as my mind wondered into the land of if only and every limb i had ached, but i ignored it since my own pain wasn't important to me right now.

Start a new paragraph here.

I looked around, feeling like everything was moving in slow motion; as if life was on mute and everyone walked at a snail pace.

The semicolon here should be a comma and the comma should be a semicolon like I've corrected.
I like this line, by the way

I heard my pulse beat potently in my ears and i felt nervous sweat trickle down my forehead as my eyes clouded over and i realized that i was crying.

This sentence here is a classic case of telling, and not showing. You don't have to tell the reader that Tony feels the sweat or hears his heartbeat. Look how similar this is, but this is showing the reader, and not telling them: My pulse beat potently in my ears and nervous sweat trickle down my forehead as my eyes clouded over. I realized that I was crying.

"Be a man, Tony," i whispered to myself, wiping away the tears, but they wouldn't stop.

I really like this line. The imagery is good and you can feel his emotions.
The only thing wrong with it is that there should be commas where I inserted them in red.

I wanted to be angry at the whole world for my misfortunes.

He wanted to be angry? Do you mean that he actually was, or that he wanted to and couldn't be?

The space around me was closing up and i felt claustrophobic, a feeling i've never felt before

This should be the start of a new paragraph.

The sky was empty and i suddenly felt overwhelmed again and before i could control my actions, i slammed my fist into a nearby wall.

Again, I like the emotion and imagery, but this should be two sentences.
The sky was empty and I suddenly felt overwhelmed again. And before I could control my actions, I'd slammed my fist into a nearby wall.

My legs refused to support me any longer and i descended to the floor, pounding my fists against concrete, fighting myself instead of the world, not caring if anyone was watching me and thought i was mental

Love the emotion again, but there are a few things to be corrected.
The word descended doesn't work here. This word makes it seem like he fell gracefully, and his legs didn't buckle underneath him. Use the word crash instead. It makes it much more powerful.
Also, please lose "and thought I was mental." at the end of this sentence. It ruins the feeling of it, and really isn't necessary at all.
One last thing, the ellipsis after mental isn't applicable here I don't think.

I got up, looking at my fist, watching the creases of blood ooze out of my wound and slowly trickle down my hand.

New paragraph here.

I sat down on a bench next to me, burying my face in my hands, crying there for twenty minutes before feeling like i couldn't cry anymore and my face refused to reproduce any/more tears, even though i still bottled up so much anger inside of me.

Very, very long sentence... Look how I phrase it and go from there: I sat down on a bench next to me, burying my face in my hands, and cried until there were no tears left. My eyes refused to produce any more water, even though I still had so much anger inside me.

"Come on, let's go in" he whispered, his eyes just as red as mine. Then we walked in, not saying another word, both lost in our own agony...

I've corrected this sentence in red above so that is flows easier.

Overall

In a lot of places, you haven't capitalized your I's, but you can easily fix that.
I like this, and I especially like how you can feel Tony's torment and pain. You've done an excellent job with that.
Some of your sentences are very long and could be broken up into two. It's simple to fix this though. A tip I have is to read all your work out loud, with emphasis, like in an audio book. You'll hear which sentences sound too long and don't flow well.
You write well, and I'm excited to see more of your work.

Keep writing,

~^~Xirenia~^~

Short and sweet this time

Your i needs to be I.
In one of the quotes I noticed that you don’t have a wonderful ',' at the end of the said sentence. :p

"She has... post traumatic amnesia"

You don’t have to use ‘...’ there. You could cut off having a; ‘The words caught in my throat. I tried again. “She has-“ Swallow. “-post traumatic amnesia,”...’

"Come on, let's go in" he whispered, his eyes just as red as mine, and then we both walked in, not saying another word, suddenly lost in our own agonies... and we were suddenly both desperate to find lives' remote control to press the rewind button and reverse back to the time when we knew the pleasure of happiness.

End at ‘..just as red as mine.’ You don’t need that continuing sentence so ... O.O long. ‘...and then we both walked in...’ sounds weird. Idea; ‘We each took a door, opening the hospital’s warm inside to the cold, chilling air. We didn’t say..’ . Something like that? ‘life’s’

Changing the POV enhanced the story. It pulled me in to wonder who this person was, though it clicked pretty quickly.
"Sanding makes the wood smoother." Your story is a little rough but has very good potential. Fix a few things and v-ala, magnific-o in our wake.