Sweater of Love.... a short story.

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He told me he was done.
“I’m done Alison! That’s it I’m finished!”
Then he slammed the door.
*SLAM*
I guess it was my fault. I pulled the thread that unraveled the sweater of our love. To be honest our love had been a show anyways. Superficial and skin deep. He never loved me; he was attracted to me and we made sense as a couple. It was a smart match. My parents both told me so. Nathan was great... on paper. I guess I was too. Unfortunately we were both more than our resumes.
We met in university. I bumped into him.
“Oof!”
He was a gentleman.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you alright? Oh here let me get those for you.”
He picked up my books for me.
“I’m Nate.”
He was Nate in college, Nathan when he took over his father’s business. I had gotten out of a long relationship a year before we met, and was looking for something substantial again. Nathan provided me with that. He was a great boyfriend. He never forgot anniversaries or birthdays, he was always thoughtful; bringing me flowers when I’d had a hard day or making me soup when I was sick. For a while I thought that was all I needed to love him and to be happy. Maybe it would have been, but life got in the way. More specifically a bus.
My first love, my soul mate, Matt, was hit by a bus on December fourth, almost four months ago today. I didn’t find out until a week later when his best friend Jason called me.
“Allie... it’s Jason.”
It took me a while to figure out who Jason was, we hadn’t spoken in more than four years.
“It’s about Matt. He... he was hit by a bus last tuesday. He’s in a coma.”
I couldn’t breathe when he told me. I slid to the ground and let a tray of cookies spill on the floor.
“Alison?”
I managed to breathe out a response.
“You should come back to Toronto. He still cared about you, even now.”
I wasn’t sure if I could face Toronto again. I had left it all behind a long time ago, plus I really didn’t think Matt’s family would want me there.
“We want you there, especially Steve.”
Steve was Matt’s other best friend. Steve had been like my brother for so long, even when me and Matt were at eachother’s throats, even the time that I cheat on Matt, Steve would always understand. Of course his loyalties were always to Matt, but Steve had been a great friend to me.
Nathan was of course, very understanding when I told him.
“Sweetheart I am so sorry. Lets go down this weekend. I’ll book us a flight right now.”
I couldn’t let him come with me. Not there. That, he was less understanding about.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean I can’t come?”
I tried to explain it, but to him it just sounded like I still harbored feelings for Matt. He wasn’t wrong.
Going back to Toronto was like finally allowing what had happened to sink in. As the cab took me towards my old neighborhood tears started dripping down my face. Familiar sights blurred by.
My parent’s took me in without a word. They knew how much Matt meant to me. He was my first and my worst. I had never fallen for anyone like I fell for Matt. They promised to take me to the hospital the next day.
Matt’s mother looked older than I remembered, but she was still the sweetest woman I have ever encountered.
“Oh Allie, we’re so glad you could come, Matt would really appreciate it.”
I smiled sadly and gave her a hug. She told me I could go see him.
“You can go in sweetheart. Scott, Steve, and Jason are in there now, Jen and I are going to get some food from the cafeteria downstairs.”
Scott was Matt’s brother and Jen was his sister. They were a very tight knit family.
“Can I pick you up something?”
I thanked her and told her I was fine.
Matt was in room 216. It was sanitizer white. The boys all got up to hug me. It was a horrible occasion for a reunion.
“This is a shitty reunion.”
Steve was always blunt.
“We’re glad you’re here.”
Jason always said the appropriate thing. He was a great people person. The girls loved him when we were younger.
I stayed in Toronto longer than I had intended. Matt always did that to me. I always stayed with him days after I was supposed to. My parents were happy that I stayed. Nathan wasn’t.
“Alison you can’t be serious. You’ve been there more than a week! You’re missing work and class... you have to come home!”
I was very stubborn, especially when it came to my friends, and Nathan was getting frustrated with losing every argument. I had never shown him this part of me, and every day I stayed in Toronto our arguments got worse.
“Alison I’m tired of this. It’s been 10 days. Come home tomorrow or I will come down there and bring you back myself.”
I told him no.
“What do you think you’re doing there? Do you think you’re helping his family? Do they even know that you’ve had a boyfriend for the past three years Alison? Stop being so blind! It is fine that you went down there to pay your respects, but this has gone too far! It is not your responsibility to stay. You are not his girlfriend!”
I responded just as violently. I guess it provoked him, I was being unreasonable, but it didn’t matter, he still never should have said it.
“Alison I refuse to keep waiting for you, I am not going to let you sit there waiting for them to pull the plug while your real life falls apart!”
*Click*
That was the beginning of the end.




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Oh here let me get those for you.”

comma after the "oh"

I had gotten out of a long relationship a year before we met

I think this sentence's too long. try "I got out of a long relationship a year before we met".

bringing me flowers when I’d had a hard


It's "when I had", remove "'d"

those are the only noticeable errors i could see.

@The story:

why not tell us in more detail on what happened after the "beginning of the end"?

i mean, you said the relationship lasted 4 more months after the call right? so what happened in four months? it's a cliff hanger, the ending.

I'm a big fan of "leave it to the reader's imagination" endings but i think this piece should tell what happened in the last 4 months.

you could just say

"we'd constantly fight out of jealousy. I would always reason out and Nate would always have something to say." or something like that, i don't know.

it's like they were fighting for 4 months and it never occurred to Nate to leave her. i find that hard to believe :/

that's why we need the background of what happened or what transpired in the last 4 months.

it would only add beauty to your work :)

as of now: 3.0/5
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Crit ticket. Remind if I haven't come through after two days.
"All I want is to be loved."

This quote isn't from a romance novel or a couple breaking up. It isn't about a girl desperately wanting to find love or a promiscuous boy finally breaking down. No, this is from a much sadder story. It's an eighteen year-old boy crying about his mother.




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I get what you are doing…you are trying to use an ending as a beginning, write about the past and end up the story with connection with the beginning…clever…However

It seemed too long…so many events are taking place that the mood that was put at the first seems to fall in the middle of the story. You could put in some detail in each part but that would make the story almost into a novella…unless that is your intention.
If this is to be a short story, try to capture the middle part in a single event or in a small timeline such as a walk. In which through this, you can put the past through her thoughts, her dialogues, or certain objects that have some connection to the past.
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me



Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena