My Sister and I

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Twin beds in a raggedy old motel lie waiting for someone to occupy them. The sun had decided to sleep hours ago yet the Texas heat is as draughting as ever. The power to our air conditioning had decided to sleep too. Not to mention the windows, which were stuck at useless heights. Making the the hot air stay inside the car, and the outside air stay unbearably out.
Traffic had slammed to a halt about 30 mins. Outside of Houston when a cattle carrier overturned, spilling disoriented livestock across I-45. Local police stopped traffic in both directions while Texas Rangers on horseback worked with local volunteers to round up the frightened cows. The 250 miles between us and our destination in North Dallas stretched temptingly northward, but with no way to get there, Cara and I sat in the car most of the day with the sun pounding down on the roof, from the limitless, empty Texas sky. The motel room was a little better as I slid between the graying, frayed sheets, trying to find a cool spot on my pillow and wondering why the room had no ceiling fan.

“Katie? Where is the cooler?” She said, her voice muffled by the pillow.

“Over by the armchair.”

Three bottles lay on their sides, half submerged in the cloudy, lukewarm mystery liquid at the bottom of the cooler, floating among the remains of Popsicles, lunch meat
sandwiches, and sodas.

“Sure Cara, but we’ll have to get some more tomorrow, and ice this thing up again before
we leave. I’ve never seen anyone drink so much water.”

“Gotta stay hydrated. Got any straws?”

“Just drink it from the bottle”

“But...there is dirt on it still.”

“You’ll be fine. Just rinse it off. We’re going to sleep. We have a big day ahead of us.”

“Katie?”

“Yes?”

“Today, it reminded me of an episode-”

“Go to sleep, Cara.”

“Good-night, Katie.”

“Night, Cara.”

The sun had awoken the sisters once more. The thinly populated sky, losing it’s blue to the heat, was melting overhead and Cara would clamour for a drink, focused on getting
her proper amount of water. Yet suddenly, Katie felt a jolt run through her leg, and a
voice that she knew only belong to one person.

“Katie! Get up. You have to get ready for school. Mom wants you downstairs.”
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Once again, I am sorry about the layout. It must be my computer. I will try to fix it soon.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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you set the scene really well. i mean i could really feel this western heat. it's great. i am surprised no one has said anything about this yet. i'm not sure what to say, but clean it up a little bit. it comes off as messy (partly the lay out's fault i guess). just sort of trim it and make it seem a little cleaner, but other than that you've got something great here... something which i'm guessing is only one part of a much larger piece, since there is no real ending to speak of yet.




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Firstly, what are you trying to tell in this story?? Are you trying to tell of a story about two sisters who moved to a hotel? As well…what age are they?? When you mentioned Mom at the end…then they must be teenagers but when you mentioned motel…it seems that they are adults. What’s going on???

PLOT: Okay…what is the story trying to show us? The first paragraph…you show us the surrounding of the motel room and the second paragraph, you are trying to give us the traffic and the third, you are setting up before the sleep and the last is the next day. Here is the problem: too many things are happening at a very fast pace. Try giving time and put more things to happen. I may suggest to you that try to expand more the third and maybe the second part because this is where we are introduce to the characters which in turn give us a hint on what is happening in this story. On the dialogue, try to expand by expanding the talk. Give more details like what will happen tomorrow or if the luggages are fix or if this was a good decision.
For the second paragraph, try to expand again. When the cows escaped, what do they feel? Are they in a hurry to go to the motel or not? If they are…try to point out through ‘the characters thoughts’ why? Let them argue or asked something…

Basically…this story needs help with the plot. If you fix this…please PM me so that I can help you.

PS
sorry if its too harsh but i'm trying to be frank
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me



A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka