Being Me in a World Where 'Me' is Not Accepted

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This is something that just popped in my head and may cause me to take a short break from Breena. Sad, I know. What do you think so far? Is it too Bridget Jones's diary?


I’m sitting here at my cheap desk that is falling apart under the extreme weight of my computer, school books, and whatever filth is covering the surface. Now that it has come to my attention, I fear trying to clean it. Who knows what monsters are hidden beneath the papers, candy wrappers, and soda cans. It shows a lot of who I am. Clearly, I’m a mess.
‘Mess’ does not even begin to describe my situation. More like catastrophe, bedlam, or simply utter failure.
Take for instance just the last year or so of my life. I think I should have written these select memories down as they were happening, because maybe there wouldn’t be as many gaps in my story where my thoughts fear to travel then there should be.
Because of who I am, the complete wreckage of a young woman, I will just cut to the chase here and skip all that mumbo jumbo introduction thing that I’ve read in so many novels. It makes me just want to puke, honestly. Who would want to read about me being a high school senior with no boyfriend, no friends, and living in a broken home? It is a snooze fest just waiting to happen I tell you!
And due to the fact that all that was just skipped, I’ll start my story in an apartment building where I once lived with my mother, brother, sister, sister’s boyfriend, and sister’s baby, a little over a year ago.
It was a two bedroom apartment and the ugly beige carpets were never tacked to the floor. The owner of the building tried his hardest to renovate the place before we moved in. Someone should have never let him pick up a hammer. The moldings around the windows and shelves were crooked and were never painted. The doors were rather difficult to close properly and the bathroom door never closed at all. The lead paint was pealing. The glass in the windows shook every time an eighteen wheeler drove by.
Oh yeah, we lived right next to the busy highway.
Awesome apartment, in my opinion.
It started out with just my mother and I, back before my brother got out of jail and my sister got knocked up. I liked it when it was just the two of us. But, of course Henry was let out on parole and Jessica started dating Baron.
Well, since this story is in fact about me, I’m going to skip a year or so and move straight on to where we are getting ready to move out.
My brother slept on the couch while my sister’s little family had their own room. I shared a room with my mother. How awkward is that? My mother had a hard time paying rent. It was unbelievably expensive to live on our own, so a little kissing up was done and my father took us back.
Granted, I lived with him too while all this was going on. I went back and forth every other day. Sometimes when I woke up, I didn’t even know which bed I was in, which home I was in, along with what I was going to wear to school that day.
We began getting excited about leaving, but I was sad to leave the place. There would be things I would miss, small experiences that changed my life.
Take for instance, that night I was sitting on our back step, watching our two small dogs as they sniffed around the grass and bushes. It was a cool summer night and the stars were shining and the moon was bright even though it was only a quarter moon. I hugged myself tightly and closed my eyes, wishing I didn’t have to be alone.
That is the thing about me, I’m always alone, even when I’m with someone, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself here.
There was a small window at the top of our building, my guess was that it was to an attic or the guy on the third floor’s bedroom. I couldn’t really tell from where I sat. But I had a feeling that someone was looking down on me from that window at that exact time. It was somehow thrilling.
My imagination began to build on this. I imagined that it was a young man, about twenty. Except he wasn’t exactly a man, more like an immortal vampire who wished to spend eternity with a chaotic young lady such as myself.
Typical teenager, I know!
Every night, when I’d take my dogs out for one last stroll around the yard, I’d glance up at that window. It felt as if he was real, that he wanted to come down from his attic prison and sweep me off my feet.
But, sadly, that was just my imagination talking there. Only, my fantasy of such a creature existing didn’t stop there. It haunted me throughout the experiences that followed.
Last edited by jayleighsmith on Mon Nov 30, 2009 9:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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*Phew* I made it!
Alright, just one nitpick...
and whatever filth covering the surface.

I think you should put 'is' after filth.
_____________
I love this, jayleigh, I really do.
Firstly, I think it has a lot of emotions and somehow I see it relating to you (Of what I've heard, just a little bit)
It has a bit a humor, and I think it's interesting.
Hmmm, I'm not sure what else to say besides maybe you could expand this so it's like a short story or something.
yikes, I'm afraid I wasn't that helpful -sorry-

~Pink

P.S. I wasn't that Bridget Jones' diary at all =]
In my point of view anyway.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Thanks Pink!
I'll be adding more laters, I've already doubled this. So check up on it later.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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I really enjoyed this story - and I wouldn't worry about it being too 'Bridget Jones', it's written in a very different style.

It would probably improve with a little rewriting, but the plot captured my attention. It's clear the narrator has a vivid imagination, which is always good, especially in stories like this where things around can become a little mundane. The twist at the end, where she imagines a man looking down at her from the building, was interesting too. I'll look forward to finding out where this story goes.

One change that you could make was in this paragraph, where one of the sentences had a bit of a strange structure.

jayleighsmith wrote: Who would want to read about me being a high school senior with no boyfriend, no friends, and living in a broken home?


I'd rewrite this sentence as "Who would want to read about me being a high school senior, living in a broken home, with no boyfriend or friends?"

Also, the title: 'excepted' is either 'expected' (As in, I expected to see her walk through the door) or 'accepted' (As in, My new friends accepted me for who I was). I'm guessing you probably mean the second one :)

I'll look out for more of this story. x




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Sorry I don't have time for a longer response but I thought the story was great overall! There's one big thing about it though...the title. That's where your spelling and grammar is huge because mistakes might be a turn off for some people and I'm thinking that you meant to say "Accepted" rather than "Excepted"? Just a suggestion, correct me if I'm wrong. But anyways, great job! Have a nice day
-N-Rod :)
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Hey Jayleigh!
Pink here (again)
Yay, you made it longer! This is a great start, the ending was a bit mysterious because I have no idea 'what' she might be seeing in that window and I can't wait to find out.
I don't have many nitpicks here, remember to PM me when you write more.
See you,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hi Jayleigh,

I was going through your portfolio and I found this short story. I do not want to tell you that I LOVED IT because I don't want you to stop writing Breena...But *I loved it!* There, I said it. Crap, can I take it back?

LOL. It's interesting, I can't wait to find out what the plot and genre are...Please Pm me with the next chapter?

Tanya




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I like sad but I found this a little on the depressing side, and I'm not sure if this belongs with romantic fiction. This character seems hopeless and like nothing or no one could make her feel better;every story or poem or any kind of writing should make people in that kind of situation see a light at the end of the tunnel. This would just make them more depressed. The character should have at least one friend there to go through it with her. Good effort though.
Giving in is easy,fighting for what you believe in is the hard part.




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Where do we start? You have a good first person viewpoint here. It sounds like a teenage girl should without becoming unlikeable, and flowed well enough that I didn't find myself skipping over stuff just to get to the meat of the story. I also am glad you already grammar and spell checked the whole thing. That doesn't seem to happen to much here on YWS for some reason.

I'm already getting the feeling by the end that this will be a supernatural romance, and I'm wondering whether the MC's thoughts about a vampire boyfriend are prophetic are just a red herring. If this is a vampire romance, I would personally warn you to be very, very careful it doesn't turn out like Twilight. There are much better things one can write than a wish-fulfillment fantasy.

Now for the two glaring flaws of this prologue: it's got no real point or focus, and it's mostly just telling until the end. For the first point, I'd actually write it so something happens in this chapter. Some kind of event or occurrence. As is it's just the MC sitting around and thinking to herself about how much her life sucks, and then leaving us with a vague hint it's about to get more interesting. Well, show me the interesting part! Don't relegate it to later chapter! Bring that stuff up front and get it going! Kickstart the plot and catch my interest!

And for the second point, almost all of this is the MC telling us what her life is like. There is no describing, no showing, no sense that I'm in the story. I feel like someone is just sitting in front of me and telling me what's happening, which isn't the best way to go for a novel format. I'd suggest rewriting it to be longer, and instead of the MC talking about herself, just have her narrate a day in her life that shows us what she's all about. But please don't forget the aforementioned plot hook!

I do want to see where you take this though. I can sense talent here, I'd just like to see it refined and molded into something fantastic. PM me if you have any questions, or when you get the second chapter up so I can take a look at that as well. I'll be waiting.
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
– Marshal Ferdinand Foch



We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor