That Night

That Night
That night that was filled with pleasure has brought me so much pain.
That minute,that moment,that hour of fun has made me feel so much regret.
The love that I thought we shared you never really felt.
All the lies he told me that I thought was the truth.Just so he could touch me.
Oh the things a boy will do!

Hi Sarah.

I really like this one. But, I think that you should add a litte bit more to it. The beginning needs to be added more upon. The rest is fine, but you need to add more.

That night that was filled with pleasure has brought me so much pain.

I noticed that it changed the tense. When you said "has," shouldn't it be "had"? It's taking place in past tense, or doesthe character still feels the pain?
Add to it. (:
~ Kat.

I felt somewhat lacking, and yeah the tenses problem also made it inconsistent.

I suggest you make this one longer.

Try putting more of how he got you to "do" it, the emotions you felt when you were "doing" it, and the regret you felt.

then this poem will be the ending

i really like this though. i always love reading how a woman sees sex as.

Sarah Pass wrote:That Night
That night that was filled with pleasure has brought me so much pain.
That minute,that moment,that hour of fun has made me feel so much regret.
The love that I thought we shared you never really felt.
All the lies he told me that I thought was the truth.Just so he could touch me.
Oh the things a boy will do!

Hi Sarah, I would like you to add more detail to this. What was the setting like? What brought you pain? Use your senses. What did you smell, see, taste? I think this is a great start to an awesome work. You could really add wonderful imagery and emotion with a little more description.
This is all speculation and you shouldn't have to change a thing. However, what if the end result turned the reader's emotion around, make us feel a bittersweet joy? What if a child was brought into the world?

Keep writing!

I hate to be the weird one and disagree with everyone above me but.. I think the length is fine. It felt like the poem was over and there was nothing else to say, after I finished it.
It also felt a little stale. I think if you were going to add, add some feelings to help it deter from the conventional day after where the person laments about the night before. Maybe some mixture of melancholy with regret, or moments of joy in the pain.

teo wrote:That night that was filled with pleasure has brought me so much pain.

You allude to such here, but you may want to elaborate on this idea so it doesn't feel so regret-ridden.
So I guess I am agreeing with everyone else. Expand it.
hugs and keep cracking away,
Empress

Hey Sarah! How're you doing?

I think that you have a nice idea here, and I actually like the shortness of the poem. Sometimes they drag on, which isn't actually necessary.

But I really think that you need to add more emotion here. You're saying statements, you're telling a slight story, but you aren't giving the reader much to connect with. Maybe work on that?

~Amy

I liked it. I agree that it was long enough to tell the story and short enough to make it so that it doesn't drag. I also agree that it needs more emotion and maybe a tiny bit more explanation. What exactly did the boy to to make the narrator feel he didn't love her? How exactly did the narrator feel?
Other than this, it was quite good. A tough subject made easy to read. Kudos!

I don't think that you need to lengthen this at all, simply rearrange it into smaller lines. The way that you have it now doesn't really create a flow. I would also add spaces after commas, and perhaps omit "that I thought was the truth". It's kind of redundant. Perhaps just change it for something else?
Overall, a good piece. Gets a story across in few words, which can be difficult. Good job. c: