Alastair

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So I found this on an old jumpdrive and I thought you guys might help me clean it up a bit. I fully intend to work on it eventually, but I have a few stories going already and I can't keep focused. If you're young, this may be a little inappropriate. It doesn't have swearing or any sex sense or anything, but if you've read Anne Rice you know how heated emotions can be.

He watched his prey from the shadows, silently following her. When she stopped and nervously looked around he shifted out of her sight. She hurriedly continued home.
The moonlight cast an eerie glow about the girls raven hair and milky skin. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were rosy pink, caressed by the bitter wind. She wrapped her jacket tighter around her, both from the cold and the ghostly aura of her stalker.
He stepped out of the darkness in front of her and smiled. Her chocolate eyes glued themselves to his elongated canines and she froze like a deer in the headlights. A gust of wind blew her sweet scent to the vampire goading him to cock his head so to catch it better. The hunger grew in him. An ancient and powerful hunger that forced his next action.
Seeing the predator disappear before her eyes sent the girl running. She kicked of her shoes and fumbled with her purse, trying to retrieve her cell phone. When it slipped from her hand she squealed and stumbled, falling to the ground. Before she scrambled off, the vampire stood before her.
His senses heightened, he opened himself to the night, letting it all flow in. the cascade of moonlight, the gentle breeze throwing the girl’s essence to him to cherish, the strain of his weak heart next to the human’s thundering beats, her voice pleading with him.
“Please! Please let me go! I have a family! Please!” She screamed to a deaf ear. He had heard it all before. It was always the same plea. But he never really understood it. Did they fear for their families livelihoods after they perished? Were they so egotistical that they would think their families were doomed without them? Or did they beg for themselves? To point out that they have something to live for? And did it ever cross their minds that they were begging a killer not to harm someone’s life. What should he care if their families missed them?
But as he listened to her beg he heard something that stopped him dead. Her body wasn’t normal. Something was off. Was she sick? No, as he concentrated it became clear what was wrong. There, a tiny heart, drowned out by its mother’s racing rhythm.
Alistair stood, frigid with alarm. No matter who he had killed in the past, he couldn’t kill this fragile being, who hadn’t even taken its first breath. He stared at the girl. She was young for a mother, and there was no ring on that left hand. How times had changed…
To the girl’s bewilderment Alistair let himself be carried away by the wind, drifting into a mist. He was in awe that he had missed such an important detail when he had picked the girl and irritated that he hadn’t been able to feed. It would have to wait until the next night. The sky was a dangerous shade of light grey. He would have to hurry to make it to safety.

Alistair woke in agony. His throat was ablaze and his veins felt as if they had been drained. In one violent lurch, he sat up, tasting the air that held no satisfaction for him. He hungered and soon would be wild with the need for blood, but the stinging that buzzed across his skin warned of the sun, sitting just above the horizon waiting to take him.
He dressed slowly, savoring the feel of cloth against his skin. The sweet caresses stirred the hunger further. He laughed, his blood teeth tender, sensitive, his muscles taut and yearning. Finally, the sun sat and the stars called to him. They begged for him to come out, for him to be a king among them. The night offered its glories and pleasures. Yes, the moon would care for him tonight. He would feast.

She was perfect. Sensual and strong, she carried herself with an air he couldn’t refuse. Alistair drifted through the crowd and she became keenly aware of him. Letting the music guide their bodies, they danced. His arms slid around her, feeling her shape and the life flowing through her. She pulled him closer and enjoyed his passion. Music pounded through them, other bodies so close to theirs made them feeling almost spiritual. Alistair bent his head and inhaled the heady aura of her skin. Then, in a moment of pure excitement, his teeth pierced her skin and he immersed himself in the sensation of life. She gasped but was soon overcome with the passion and splendor Alistair felt. When she had given all that she had Alistair whispered into her ear and left her. Her lifeless body crumbled and landed broken on the dance floor. For an instant clubbers backed away, screaming, making a ring around the woman with the rose colored stain and faded eyes, but suddenly, as if on cued, they shot into action. Some called police, a few did what they could to revive her, and some tried to find her killer but he was long gone into the night, drunk on pleasure.
Alistair found two more that night, both young, beautiful women. When he finally made his way to the, he was light hearted and free. Almost human. But that’s what it was to take in another person. You almost become them, and you always take part of them with you after you’re finished. Sometimes, Alistair hated the sensation of living someone else’s life but that night was different. It was as if he had been starving and alone for thousands of years and had stumbled upon a feast and a brothel. He thought that nothing could spoil his mode. But when the doors of the swung open, he new that he had been mistaken
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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By the way, here's the link to the prologue:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post624858.html#p624858
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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A gust of wind blew her sweet scent to the vampire goading him to cock his head so to catch it better.

No joke, my first initial thought after reading this was "No, not another vampire story!" xD.

“Please! Please let me go! I have a family! Please!”

There is an excessive use of exclamation marks here.

It was always the same plea, but he never really understood it.

It'd be best if you were to combine those two sentences into one.

and there was no ring on that left hand.

"Her left hand" would fit much better.

Alistair awoke in agony.


he was light hearted and free, almost human.


He thought that nothing could spoil his mode.

Do you mean "Mood?"

Overall:
This piece is far from bad, though it could use more descriptive details and inner thoughts and emotions of the main character.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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Interesting...
It definitely has potential, when I picked up on the fact that it was a vampire story, I got a little hesitant, but all in all its really interesting.
Keep writing, flesh it out a bit, and it will be marvelous.
~Shaard
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien




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When she stopped and nervously looked around, he shifted out of her sight.


She hurriedly continued home.


This sentence sounds odd to me. Consider revising it.

The moonlight cast an eerie glow about the girl's raven hair and milky skin.


The skin and hair belong to the girl (hopefully) so girl needs to be possessive.

She kicked off her shoes and fumbled with her purse, trying to retrieve her cell phone.


The cascade of moonlight, the gentle breeze throwing the girl’s essence to him to cherish, the strain of his weak heart next to the human’s thundering beats, her voice pleading with him.


Try separating this sentence into two or more sentences.

He thought that nothing could spoil his mood.


But when the doors of the swung open, he new that he had been mistaken.


Doors of what? You forgot to say. Pretty much the same as in the prologue. I don't think I have anything more to add onto what I said in the last review other than "The plot is thickening."

Signed,
Lethero, The Alpha Male
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Excellence In All We Do
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*Lethero*




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Okay, this was good as well!

I see that it is different from the prologue (as it is set many years in the future). Have to admit it kind of made me sad, I'd like to know what happened in between.

Here are my issues with the transition...

1) So I'm asuming Elise turned him into a vampire? Was she a vampire herself or did she know a vampire?

2) Where the heck did Elise go anyways? If she was a vampire, I'm assuming she would still be around somewhere. It'd seem logical to include her in the first chapter if she was sticking around, but maybe there is something I don't know about.

Now there are a few questions I have about this current chapter that should be clarified for the sake of the reader.

His hunger was "ancient and powerful" yet he stopped himself from killing the girl because she was pregnant. Does he have some sort of abnormal control over his thirst?

How did no one notice he killed he girl in the club until he was gone? Just seems a little bit illogical.

But when the doors of the swung open, he new that he had been mistaken


What doors? Where is he going?

Anyways, it's good but it could use some work. Keep working on it, and writing more. I agree with Lethero that "the plot is thickening" :)

-Lauren
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Hey guys, thanks for the reviews!
About Elise and where she went, and the doors, and Alastair's vampire-ness, I address that all in the next segment I just didnt have it with me when I posted.
I don't like straight getting to the point in the begining, but is my writing too "What? What happened here?"?
Oh! and the murder! Nobody really noticed becuase of the way they were dancing and how smooth Alastair is (Ever read 'Night Road'? Its like that.). I'll have to deal with that as I edit more. (When its in your head its so clear and then you realize no one has any idea what you're talking about!)
Anyways, thanks again!
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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I felt at times like you were trying a bit too hard with your descriptions.

"The moonlight cast an eerie glow about the girls raven hair and milky skin. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were rosy pink, caressed by the bitter wind. She wrapped her jacket tighter around her, both from the cold and the ghostly aura of her stalker."

Perhaps it's just personal preference, but that's the kind of description I would give to a more substantial character. Obviously, she could return later on in a more important role, but if her sole purpose is to just demonstrate aspects of Alastair's predatory nature, you might do better to relate her more to prey.

Ex: The girl moved like a mouse through the wind, the fear plain on her face in the pale light of the moon.

Not every woman you write about -no matter what some famous vampire authors might think- needs to be an image of flawless beauty. They can just be humans and honestly your work overall will be stronger if you allow a bit of fear to overshadow the supposed beauty of it all.




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I actually really liked this. I really like the way you write. Every sentence seemed to flow nicely, and I think you described everything in full, with no confusion.
~Classy



Y'know, sometimes a family is a mutant superhuman clown with cartoony powers, a hyperactive shapeshifter created in a lab, the ghost of an artificially created being who only exists for exposition, a cat who is an eldritch god for some reason, and an emo guy who doesn't canonically exist
— GengarIsBestBoy