Young Writers Society

Hi all, this is a little story I just randomly started writing..... Out of procrastination of finishing that last three thousand of my Nanowrimo. Oh well. Back to this one, I don't know what it's going to be about right now, but it starts out really good. Thanks for all reviews![[: Oh, and I know it switches tenses around some parts.. it's all cool I got it no need to correct those xD

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“Come on.” She whines, pulling me with her fragile arm. It makes me laugh how childish she can be, but so cute.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming.” I grin, letting her pull me. The wind blows in my face, causing me to wince with how cold it’s gotten.

Mid-November air is sharp, it always is. It always felt like December was just there to sneak up on November. All of my hatred went towards that cold, wet season. I hated winter. The wind starts up stronger than before, it makes me snap my attention back to Arielle.

“Are you okay?” She frowns, I hate when she does that. She should always smile, no matter what. It made her glow brightly. Like an angel.

“I’m…fine.” The truth? I wasn’t feeling so well. The pang in my stomach ached for no reason at all. My mind very well is blank. We went to the park, and changed our minds quickly. It was that cold. Believe me now?

“Well hurry, it’s cold.” Her cheeks are rosy pink under the comfort of her scarf. The warm metal of my keys ring as I lift them out of my pocket. My car beeps as it unlocks, she climbs in first then I do. Cranking the heat, we sit there waiting for it to get like a steaming sauna in there.

“Are you warm now?” I whisper, taking her small hand in mine. She looks into my eyes and smiles with her own. Perfect. Everything is going perfect. Sort of, anyways.

“Toasty.” Her blonde hair peeks out from under her hat. The one her mother gave her. It’s a brown one that offset her beautiful eyes. They were blue with a hint of sparkle in them. Like when the sun hits a body of water. That kind of sparkle. I lose myself in them sometimes. “Where to, lover boy?” That was her nickname for me. Cute huh?

“Where do you wanna go?” I ask her, still having the car in park.

“Hm,” she places a finger on her temple and taps it softly. I laugh. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me.” To contradict herself, she laughs too. “Let’s go to that Davidson party.”

“Huh?” I would have known if there was a party going on. Which I’m thinking I really should have known. Well, I guess the cheerleaders know everything . A perk. You would think that cheerleaders are dumb and stupid. Arielle isn’t like that. She takes honors classes and always maintains straight A’s. Yupp, the best of both worlds.

“You know… your best friend’s party?” Pulling her knees to her chest, she looks tiny. Her pixie like body was so small, she could fit perfectly at my side.

“He’s not my best friend and you know it, Arielle.” Jack Davidson and I were the best of friends, but one day, it all changed.

One day he decided to become the one everyone loves to hate. Never thing he did had consequences. And after beating up his girlfriend – well, I guess it’s ex-girlfriend now – he’s made a nice little home in juvie. Only, he was released as soon as they put him in there. It disgusted me. How could you beat on a girl? Ever heard of pick on someone your own size?

“Sorry,” she murmurs. The hell with it, putting my car in drive, I make it to his house within five minutes. You couldn’t miss his house. It was the one that was gangly and huge that sat on a hill. See? You can never pass it up. It’s always there.

“Are you sure you want to go in there?” The house’s window’s flash many colors, the music thumping loudly against it. I swear I could see the actual house thumping with every beat.

“Yes,” she beams, grinning at me. Sighing loudly, I open my door. When I look back over to Arielle, she’s bouncing up and down ready to pounce at any moment. Right then and there she reminded me of a puppy. But that was mean, she was naturally always excited.

Taking her hand in mine, she grabs it tightly. “Let’s get this over with,” I sigh loudly again, and we walk toward the flashing house and pulsing music.

When we reach the inside of the house, the music is louder than I thought it would be. Hollywood Undead fills my ears with its rap/rock combination. I stare at Arielle with unfocused eyes. “Let’s dance,” she calls out.

Letting her drag again, she takes me to the dance floor and slowly moves her hips in a rhythmic motion. I know how to dance really good, but I wouldn’t call this dancing. Moving my hips along hers was not dancing. But it feels nice. When the music slows into a slower song, I turn her around to face me. She smiles as I put my hands around her waist. Her head rests on my chest, I breathe in the scent of her shampoo. Apples with citrus, that’s what it smells like. We sway to the beat. “ I love you,” I tell her for the first time.

Her surprised blue eyes look up into my hazel ones. There are tears sliding down her cheek. I’ve made her cry, with three simple words. I don’t blame her, I feel the same way. “I l-love you too.” She stutters a little, but it’s only because she’s crying. It happens all the time. The stuttering when she’s crying, not the crying. Leaning on her tippy toes, she reaches my lips. I close my eyes and welcome hers, sparks fly through me. I wonder if she’s feeling the same thing.

i liked this in itself, it was a really cute, kind of moving, piece about a guy and his girlfriend. i think the scene was set perfectly and that all the information you included fit within the story well, helping to add significance to (instead of detract from) the couple's relationship. the only thing i had a problem with was that the writing seemed to get a little shaky in some places.

but first i want to point out the writing that i liked.

Her cheeks are rosy pink under the comfort of her scarf. The warm metal of my keys ring as I lift them out of my pocket. My car beeps as it unlocks, she climbs in first then I do. Cranking the heat, we sit there waiting for it to get like a steaming sauna in there.

“Are you warm now?” I whisper, taking her small hand in mine. She looks into my eyes and smiles with her own. Perfect. Everything is going perfect. Sort of, anyways.

“Toasty.” Her blonde hair peeks out from under her hat. The one her mother gave her. It’s a brown one that offset her beautiful eyes. They were blue with a hint of sparkle in them. Like when the sun hits a body of water. That kind of sparkle. I lose myself in them sometimes. “Where to, lover boy?”

this was a great description of the cold and the way the narrator feels about the girl. this was probably my favorite part of the whole piece. it was sweet and well written.

afterwards, though, the thread of the story starts to drop off. when you begin to explain about the former best friend the shift into back-story seems abrupt and awkward. so does the arrival at the party and pretty much everything after the line "Let's go to that Davidson party." It's not that i don't like the direction you take it all, it's just that i feel like you didn't spend enough time on it. i think edit it and make it stronger and it'll all be good.

the ending i liked a lot. it was a good way to give meaning to the rest of the piece. so good job!!! i really like this, just strengthen the middle a little.

I loved how this story was very passionate - very beautiful prose when the narrator speaks about his girlfriend. I agree with the earlier point about the narrator's friend; the backstory seemed a little rushed and forced in. Maybe just showing some reluctancy to go to the party would have been better, especially if this is to be a longer novel.

Also, I think the title is supposed to be 'Lives Collide' rather than 'Lifes Collide'. Other than that the spelling/punctuation seemed pretty good