Destroyer of Great Things.

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 36
Here I am
What do you want.
I'm telling you not to
But you don’t care

You’re starting to get stupid
You don’t need this anymore
Give it a rest
Stop questioning your own motives

If you need help
You know where to find it
But if you want to stay in your bubble
Please, by all means sit there and rot

Wait what was that?
You do need help
Its to late
You’ve screwed me over to many times

Get out of my life and stay there
I don’t need you to saturate me with your feeble lies anymore
I hope you like feeling alone
Cause I was all you had

You’re only destroying yourself
I don’t get hurt by this
Now go think about that
You destroyer of great things.
amor, pérdida, y la vida vivimos en medio.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 162
Welcome! Anyway, I commend you for your effort, and thank you for not attempting a rhyming poem as many writers do. My critique may be harsh, but it shall help. I assure you it will. I put my changes in bold.

Here I am.
What do you want?
I'm telling you not to,
But you don't care.

I don't really like it as it doesn't hold much feeling and seems like you are just tossig around words instead of giving them meaning.

You're starting to get stupid.
You don't need this anymore.
Give is a rest;
Stop questioning your own motives.

The last line didn't flow and stupid is not a descriptive enough word. Put emotion and feeling into this.

If you need help,
You know where to find it.
But if you want to stay in your bubble,
(No Please here--it doesn't flow) By all means, sit there and rot.

That stanza was a little better.

Wait, what was that?
You do need help?
It's too late.
You’ve screwed me over too many times.

You just contradicted yourself. The last stanza you said that if the person needs help, they know where to find it. They you say it's too late. It doesn't work. And the term screwed me over is not the right thing here. A writer can expand their vocabulary and make someone feel the pain, not just read the words.

Get out of my life and stay there.
I don't need you to saturate me with your feeble lies anymore.
I hope you like feeling alone,
Cause I was all you had.

I like the word saturate, but not the word feeble. I don't think it fits. Also, I would change that last line to, "Because I was all you've ever had." I think it flows better.

You're destroying only (word switch) yourself.
(watch your tenses) I'm not getting hurt by this.
Now go and think about that,
You destroyer of great things.

I don't think your last like was strong enough. No, scratch that, I don't think the poem was strong. I think you had an idea with potential, but you are tellling us things, not showing them to us. Made us see your rage and feel your anger. That is what a poet, what a writer does. It was a good try. It could improve greatly. PM me when you revise it and I'll help you work on it.

Regards,
Nicole
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."



The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest