Falling Apart Excerpt

This is an idea I had....what do you think of this excerpt?

Chapter 1

"You...you mean it?" I stuttered, being in awe from his amazing blue eyes.
"Of course I do Rachel, I do love you," he placed his comforting hand on my cheek and leaned in. I closed my eyes, prepared for what was to come, a small kiss on the cheek was all though.
I tried not to show the dissapointment on my face, but he seemed to not notice it. "Let's go," he whispered, nuzzling my cheek with his perfect nose. I nodded and we walked out of the shadows of our school yard and back inside.
I felt as if I was on air, I could barely keep my feet on the ground. Everyone stared in amazement as they realized that little, smart, sophomore, Rachel, was holding hands with super sexy, amazing looking, Ryan.
I could hear the gasps of jealousy and I stuck my nose in the air to them. Now they couldn't tease me, they couldn't any more. My life was happy now, at least my social life. It almost seemed good enough to cover up my home life...But not quite.

"Of course I do, Rachel, Should be period I do love you, Another period" he Capital H

a small kiss on the cheek was all though.

I think you could take this out and change it into something with a little more detail. It is too vague and some readers may not fully understand what you are trying to say here.

little, smart, sophomore, Rachel, was holding hands with super sexy, amazing looking, Ryan.

I like your adjectives, I just think there are too many of them. It makes the sentence look...silly. Try taking out sophmore. I don't really think it's needed in this sentence. And super sexy and amazing looking are pretty much the same thing. So only one is needed.

they couldn't any more.

I'd take this out, no sense in repeating what you just said.

My life was happy now,

[/quote]
Using now makes it present tense, but 'seemed' and other past tense works contradicts you. Keep to one tense.


I like this excerpt. It'd definitly be something I'd be interested in reading. Please do continue writing.
If you have any questions about my review, do pm me and ask.
Good luck.

-Jayleigh

Hey forestqueen! Thought I’d drop by the Romantic Fiction thread and I decided to review this. Hope I’m helpful.

I stuttered, being in awe from his amazing blue eyes.

Having the ‘being’ there just makes it sound awkward.

"Of course I do Rachel, I do love you," he placed his comforting hand on my cheek and leaned in. I closed my eyes, prepared for what was to come, a small kiss on the cheek was all though.

Since there’s no a speaker tag, there should be a period at the end of the dialogue and ‘he’ should be capitalized. There should also be a period after ‘come’.

Everyone stared in amazement as they realized that little, smart, sophomore, Rachel, was holding hands with super sexy, amazing looking, Ryan.

I’m not a fan of the adjective-listing here. It’s good to compare the two, but perhaps words that are more pertinent to the two of them would be better. Like, why is it important to know that Rachel is a sophomore? Is Ryan not a sophomore? Why is it that people would be surprised to see a smart girl date him? Or is she more of a bookworm? As for Ryan... ‘super sexy’ and ‘amazing looking’ essentially mean the same thing. They don’t give much of an image besides the fact that he’s attractive. Is he a jock? Class president? The rebel? Even a little word change like that can make a difference.

I could hear the gasps of jealousy and I stuck my nose in the air to them. Now they couldn't tease me, they couldn't any more.

Unnecessary repetition is unnecessary, love

It almost seemed good enough to cover up my home life...But not quite.

Intriguing. I certainly want to know what’s going on in Rachel’s home. I’m not sure if the ‘b’ in ‘but’ should be capitalized, but I get the feeling it shouldn’t be.

Since this is so short, I really can’t say much on plot. But it looks like you’ve got the makings of a good romance. Just remember to avoid the clichés we often see in romance and add your own personal flair to it. Keep up the good work

Best of luck,
octo