The Letter That Started Everything (Excerpt)

Today. A two day. Horrible, horrible two day without him sitting across from me, staring. Algebra was torture without his beautiful face looking into mine. I tried to ignore it, but yeah right! Like I would be able to ever forget him. Anyway, after a grueling period in math, I continued with my, as expected, day as best I could. Finally when I got to fourth period, something was waiting for me at my desk.
A note. A class mate of mine, Jestin, told me it was from him. Jack.
“He wanted to give you this before, but was too scared that…if you didn’t like him as much as he did you.”
“Oh! Thanks.” I said with a smile. I couldn’t wait to read it.
“Hey, Patty!” Oye.
“Oh, hey Victor. What’s up?”
“Nothin’ much. Just hangin’. Haha, so whatcha got there? Huhhh?”
“Oh, oh this. Um, nothing really.” Fake laugh.
“Mh-kay then," he winked at me. "Better take my seat. Class is about to start.”
“Oh, yeah. Me too,” fake smile. I wanted to read it now, but if I did I know I’d be too flattered that I’d laugh, blush, and smile…a lot. Not only would I be extremely happy, but also really embarrassed. Right now the wiggling in my body can’t stop, won’t stop.
“Patty.”
“Mh, yeah?” I said a little distant.
“When you’re done, with the letter, if you write a note back or answer, just give it back to me. I’ll send it back to him.” No response for Jestin. Only wide eyes.
“Mrs. Cottrell, Mrs. Cottrell! Can I please go to the bathroom? I really need to go!” She looked up from her desk,scared by my outburst.
“Yes, yes, Patricia, of course. My-“
Knocking over some desks, saying sorry repeatedly, I ran ferociously to the bathroom.Or answer, Jestin’s words still hanging in the air. Slamming the door open to the bathroom, I rushed into the closest stall I could reach, already half opening the letter.
“Patricia,
Um, well I don’t really know how to start off. Usually when I like a girl I just ‘go for it,’ you know? (Mesmerized at this point) But with you, it’s much different. I used to get really bad stomach aches in class when you were there, I never really paid attention…unless I wanted to impress you with my smartness, which never seemed to work, and I got little sweat on my forehead. I’ve never written a letter to a girl before, that I like. Well, here goes:
Patricia/Patty (It actually said that) I really like you, and I am very sorry that I had to transfer schools, away from you. I wrote a previous letter to you before without that last part so I made this new one. I know this might be a surprise. All I want to know now is if you like me too? And…and if you do then…would you go out sometime...with me?"

Suddenly I felt myself groping the air for something to hold on to.

Heya Creative! I'm Selene and I shall be your happy reviewer for today.

Nit-Picks-

Today. A two day. Horrible, horrible two day without him sitting across from me, staring.

I'd change 'a two day' to just 'two days'. Sounds better, right?

I tried to ignore it, but yeah right!

You'd have the same emphasis and sarcastic tone without the exclamation point.

Anyway, after a grueling period in math, I continued with my, as expected, day as best I could.

Try re-wording this to make it flow better and make sense.

“Nothin’ much. Just hangin’. Haha, so whatcha got there? Huhhh?”

You don't need the extra "h's" at the end.

“Oh, yeah. Me too,” fake smile.

Make the second comma a period and capitalize 'fake'.

I used to get really bad stomach aches in class when you were there, I never really paid attention…

Um, ew? Haha, I've never heard the 'I-get-physically-sick-when-I'm-near-you' compliment before. Maybe you could change that to butterflies in his stomach? I don't think it's very flattering when someone tells me they want to puke when they pass by me, you know?

Originality-

I wanted a twist in here, something a bit more gripping. Yeah, it's a solid story but it's just begging for more. Try to go outside the box and think up something outside the box. You can do anything because it's your story. Your characters can parachute to school for all I care, just make it unique.

Character Development-

You just said the boy in the story is beautiful. Why is he beautiful? Do his eyes sparkle? Does he sleep in class, burp, anything? Let's face it, this boy can't be perfect. Maybe in her eyes he is, but she'll love the good and the bad.

Also, your main character needs to be fleshed out. It's little hints, like habits, descriptions, and the way she views herself that gives the reader something to relate to. Show us that she's ugly, pretty, normal, smart, dumb, or doesn't care. It makes the story much more interesting.

Overall:

It could be spiced up considerably, but other than that you have a nice artist's palette with all the right colors. You just need all the right details to make it spectacular!

I know you can do it, so good luck! And keep up the writing!

~Selene

Bonjour! I'm Kate and I'll be reviewing you today! I liked this pretty well, and I definitely see where it has great potential.

CreativeFreak wrote:Today. A two day. Horrible, horrible two day without him sitting across from me, staring.

Okay, right from the start I was confused and turned off. I didn't have a clue about what "two day" meant. Also, there is no need to state the same word twice back to back. Try to stay away from repeated words.

CreativeFreak wrote:Anyway, after a grueling period in math, I continued with my, as expected, day as best I could.

After reading this sentence twice, I understood what it meant. But that is one time too many. Try re-wording it, like so: After another grueling period in math, I continued my day as best as I could; as to be expected.

CreativeFreak wrote:A note. A class mate of mine, Jestin, told me it was from him. Jack.

You can keep your sentence this way if you like, but having so many chopped up sentences messes up the flow of your story. Also, ask yourself when you're writing, "If I said just this one sentence, would the person know what I am talking about?" If I read only A class mate of mine, Jestin, told me it was from him. I wouldn't know what you were talking about. From who?


Dialogue: I have pretty high standards for dialogue, so keep that in mind while you read my comments.

CreativeFreak wrote:“He wanted to give you this before, but was too scared that…if you didn’t like him as much as he did you.”

I find this sentence awkward and confusing. Try to clarify it more.

Your dialogue is okay. It needs work. When I am having trouble writing the dialogue exactly right, I write down what the characters are suppose to be talking about, then go to a friend and ask them to start a conversation out of what I had just written. Usually, your friend will say something that sparks your imagination for a great dialogue.

CreativeFreak wrote:Knocking over some desks, saying sorry repeatedly, I ran ferociously to the bathroom.Or answer, Jestin’s words still hanging in the air. Slamming the door open to the bathroom, I rushed into the closest stall I could reach, already half opening the letter.

This was very confusing to me. Not only do you have subject verb agreement issues, but you don't explain what exactly is going on. Why in the world did she jump out of class and run to the bathroom?! Was my first thought.

The Letter: The letter was very sweet, but once again, it didn't sound quite believable. As though a real teen aged guy was writing this. Often times, I seek advice from my guy friends when I run into problems like these. And, if you don't feel comfortable talking to your guy friends,(I am lucky enough to have a brother) I am sure there are guys on this site who will help you!

Overall, I think you have a very good imagination, you just need work on clarifying and telling what the MC does in greater depth. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep writing and good luck!

-Kate

this is so sweet! you should add more to it though like what happens if she decided she wants to go out with him maybe you could make this a story. its seem like this could be a good first chapter for a romance book. well unless this happened to you personally but i believe its very good