Quick Meal - Short Story

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Hey. Whilst this is only my second fictional work published online and my first attempt at a epistolary structure of a short story, please be totally honest with your comments. Much appreciated. Thanks.
- Laurence Branson

He ran with a pace that was justified by his fear. The Thing that he believed to be a monster was on his tail and was very close now. It was following his every move, the way a positive magnet relentlessly aims to find its negative counterpart. Except this Thing – whatever it was – didn't just want to attach itself to him. Oh, no. It wanted much more.
As if to prove what the Thing really wanted to do, Drew Johnson began to lose speed – at a horrifying rate. At first, Drew thought the Thing had thrown a tight lasso around his body. He lost his pace in jolts, one after the other as if the lasso was being tugged.
And tugged.
And tugged.
That was the feeling. Drew felt hopeless because there was nothing he could do. No matter how hard he tried to push on, his body reacted pessimistically, as if it wanted to be consumed by the Thing, the Thing that was now closer than ever.

--

From The Body in Motion (p. 41), by Dr. Laurence Branson:

When your scared, your mind focuses on the one task at hand and performance rises dramatically as stress increases. Our ability to perform increases up to a certain level of stress arousal. This is the healthy tension or eustress. But if this stress continues uncontrolled and a fatigue point is reached, any further stress arousal will take the performance level down, ultimately leading to exhaustion, ill-health and, finally breakdown.

--

As Drew took in his final breaths, an observer would have noted that Drew hadn't recalled The Body in Motion to mind because (a) he had never read it, (b) he had completely forgot about reading it or (c) he didn't think it was useful. Whatever the cause, the effect was clear because, following those last breaths, the Thing had done what it was always planning on doing.

Perhaps no one would have known what the Thing really had done. Perhaps... perhaps if it was not for the lacerated intestines, squashed liver, barely discernible kidney and the scratched and broken teeth (that put a nice touch to the three-course meal) that was carelessly left behind.
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Hi there Laurence. I'm Conrad.

So, I'm looking at this, and trying to find a plot in it. I'm not having a lot of success. You don't give us a lot, really, just a man running away from a Thing, with a quote from a book right in the middle of it.

To be fair, you do a good job at this. I'm not seeing any grammar errors and your description is in rather tip-top shape, in my humble opinion.

But, I fail to see where the plot in all of this is. There's just the guy running from the Thing, him failing to go any faster, the quote from the book, and then him being consumed. If you want to stick with this basic idea, I would advise you to draw out the individual lengths. As short as this is, it's doing nothing for me.

There is a lot of potential in this piece. You just need to punch it up a bit. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
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Hi, Laurance. I like your writing style, you are very skilled, but I do not see the purpose ofo the story you've posted. What were you trying to convey to the readers?
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Hey,

Thanks for the comment. The story didn't have any message to it. It was merely something I wrote to pass the time; I didn't intend it to be a serious read, but rather just something quick and easy.
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Laurence Branson wrote:He ran with a pace that was justified by his fear.


Not a great opening line considering the content of the piece, inroducing 'the thing' would be a better start.

As if to prove what the Thing really wanted to do, Drew Johnson began to lose speed – at a horrifying rate.


This is confusing. Read it cold as if you hadn't written it and had no idea what it was about then you may see how it confuses the reader.

At first, Drew thought the Thing had thrown a tight lasso around his body. He lost his pace in jolts, one after the other as if the lasso was being tugged.


Good.

That was the feeling. Drew felt hopeless because there was nothing he could do.


scrap the line 'that was the feeling.' It's not needed, we know it was the feeling and besides the next line explains his feeling it just really doesn't add anything to the story.

No matter how hard he tried to push on, his body reacted pessimistically


Are you sure his body acted pessimistically? I hate to say it, but I detect thesauras abuse...

the Thing that was now closer than ever.


Boring line. Perhps try something like 'he could feel the Things warm breath on his neck.'

--

From The Body in Motion (p. 41), by Dr. Laurence Branson:


'The Body in motion' shouldn't be in italics if the rest is and vice versa.

When your scared, your mind focuses on the one task at hand and performance rises dramatically as stress increases. Our ability to perform increases up to a certain level of stress arousal. This is the healthy tension or eustress. But if this stress continues uncontrolled and a fatigue point is reached, any further stress arousal will take the performance level down, ultimately leading to exhaustion, ill-health and, finally breakdown.


This explanation is a little distracting but quite unique and gives the reader a breath.

I wouldn't say its a great read but it is written well enough to keep the readers attention. The visual devices used created something of an image but you could have painted the picture a little more. I'm not sure what the purpose of the piece was, I mean essentially it is a scene of a monster eating a boy with no real denouement or affective conflict. Anyway hope the review helps.
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Wow. Thank you for that line-by-line analysis, joshuapaul. This story was actually written on the spot, and perhaps that's why the opening line seems a bit funny. I wrote that line randomly and used it as stimulus material for the rest. I guess all of what you said was true enough - you basically said to show more than tell.
That italics error was just caused from this website. I write my stories in a word processor first and then paste it in to upload and, unfortunately, all formatting is lost.
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Well if it was written on the spot why not write it using the formating on the website rather than M.O word or whatever programme you used? Furthermore, to get better use out of this site as a resource why not write, then prof atleast once to save people the time to do the nit picks and proffing I'm sure you are completely capable of. You mention you wanted to do 'something quick and easy' but that's hardly the point of writing for an audience, 'quick and easy' is you're journal or blog, if you intend to have any of your work taken seriously and stimulate a greater response in the reader I suggest you take on all advice rather then excusing the clear errors in your work. My advice, realise good writing is tedious and painstaking rather than 'quick and easy.'
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Well, I wrote it on the spot without intending to put it on this website but then decided later, at the advice of my brother who also read it (and liked it), to put it up and obtain some further opinions about it. To be honest, I missed that italics error. Personally, I don't see any wrong in missing something so simple, and I actually did not "excuse" the error. I thought you would agree too, since your reply has a few errors itself. For example, you spelled "proof" as "prof", a simple and ironic error. Anyway, I don't agree with your comment saying that good writing is tedious and painstaking; many good authors enjoy writing. Also, just to clarify (if it was not clear enough), when I say "quick and easy" I mean to read not to write.
Last edited by Laurence Branson on Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
The worse thing I can be is the same as everybody else.
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True, writers enjoy writing. They enjoy seeing their name on the cover of a classic. They enjoy meeting their characters for the first time, they enjoy writing the first draft, the flood of ideas, the climax. They enjoy the rush of excitement when it all works. Any good writer though, will tell you of the late nights, the countless drafts, the tiresome rejections and harsh critics, the reading, rereading, rereading, rereading. No good writer has not had atleast one moment where they doubt themselves and consider giving up, it is part of the process,for the same reason a novelist enjoys completing a novel the marathon runner enjoys crossing the line. Regarding typos, and not bothering to spell check, I am hardly going to proof read every response I write, it's not my job as a reviewer to be completely accurate and nit pick my own reponse. I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else, the review is to help if it has distracting errors so be it I'm not trying to sell a story to a reader.
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I hardly see a review as helpful when it accuses me of not bothering to proof-read. Of course i proof-read the story. I just missed some errors. Are you telling me all your published stories are free of "nit-pick" errors?
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well, considering it was 'written on the spot' I assumed it was not proof read and my original review had no such accusations. My response to your response may have but that has little to do withe the review. You seemed a little patronising that's all and I guess I was making a point. I felt I had wasted my time doing a detailed review of mistakes you may have seen had you proofed. However it seems ego won't allow you to take a harsh review, so instead of graciously accepting the advice you felt you needed to defend yourself. And of course I'm not claiming to publish pieces free of nit picks, what ever lead you to such a bizzare conclusion?
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I'm sorry if you had felt you had wasted your time with the review. My response to the review was not me defending myself. While I may have blamed a simple error on the way I had published the story on the website, I, in fact, said that all of what you said was true enough. Furthermore, I thanked you for the review, so I don't see how you came to think I didn't "graciously accept the advice". By saying this:
"Furthermore, to get better use out of this site as a resource why not write, then prof atleast once to save people the time to do the nit picks and proffing I'm sure you are completely capable of. "
I was lead to believe your published pieces are free of nit picks...otherwise, why would you give the advice? Unless, of course, you are being hypocritical?
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by saying it was 'written on the spot' you made it appear spontaneous and un proof-read, my 'line by line' analysis dealt with alot of nit picks most of which I felt could have been covered if it were not 'written on the spot.' I think it's obvious I was simply making a point. You have ventured from the point a little and you obviously refuse to concede. For bothering to attempt an explanation mea culpa in extremis
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Let's keep this thread for reviews, guys. If you want to talk this over, take it to private messages.
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Hi Laurence!
For a spontaneous story it's pretty good and also I love the in-text referencing as well as it gives it creditability as it sounds like it actually does come from an expert. Keep practicing on your writing, you really have potential. Start posting work again!
John :D



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